I have been questioning whether to let my daughter go spend a week with my dad and stepmom this summer. In the past, we have gone all through the year and we spend the weekend with them. My dad and husband got into a heated argument over a year ago and my dad asked us to go home. My dad will not talk to my husband at all. My husband tried to apologize to him over the phone and my dad would not even get on the phone to talk to him. We have not been to visit since this happened because my dad does not want to see, talk or be anywhere near my husband. My daughter is upset and asked my dad when is he going to stop fighting with her dad so we can come visit. They are not fighting but in her perception, they are. My dad tells her that he will just not talk to him.
Here are the issues I have: My dad will bad mouth my husband. This is a given. He invited both my daughter and me to come and spend a week with him. I do not want to hear his constant bad mouthing and I do not want my daughter to hear it either.
While we have visited in the past, he watches all kinds of movies: some examples are: graphic sex scenes, lots of cursing, very scary type movies with vampires and werewolves, and the last time we visited was Gangs of New York.
While I am there, I take my daughter in another room and put on a kid movie for her to watch or take her outside. Both my dad and stepmom do not think there is anything wrong with her watching what they watch. She is six years old.
So, now due to this situation, I have mixed feelings whether to let my daughter go visit or not? I do not want to deny her from seeing her grandpa and grandma but I do not care to visit without my husband and definitely do not want to go and listen to hubby bashing the whole time. And, do not care to let her go to watch anything and everything on tv.
Need mommy advice? What would you do?
Sorry but she would not be going. Bad mouthing her dad is horrible and he should know better. The movie thing would not happen. She should not be watching anything like that.
Sadly, I would find something else for my daughter to do for that week that would be just as much (or more) fun for her. I would schedule trips to the pool, to the zoo, to friends' houses, or maybe a couple of days with a better relative. Maybe next year things will be better at Grandpa and Grandma's.
No way now how, I would never allow someone who didnt respect my parenting decisions to watch my child. Think if this was reversed and you inlaws did that to you, would you leave the kids alone with them?
Your Dad is acting like a child....sorry. I don't know what he and your husband fought about, but your Dad is putting his own pride above seeing his granddaughter.
If this was *my* dad, I'd tell him to suck it up if he wants to see his granddaughter. If not, he knows where to find us when he's ready to grow up and act like a man.
Also, your rules and boundaries for your daughter apply EVERYWHERE. If your dad can't wait until she's asleep before watching horror movies, then she doesn't need to be around someone with so little respect for her innocence.
Personally, I wouldn't. I would tell them that he needs to meet you half way in having a relationship with your daughter. That means being civil with her father, and behaving in her presence. If he can't do that, no visits.
I'm sorry, but I have to say no to your daughter going to stay with him. Just because he is the grandfather doesn't give him carte blanche to act this way in front of his granddaughter.
Please just say no and tell him that when he patches his relationship up with his son-in-law, then you'll talk about visiting again. I'd leave out the issue of the TV for now - let that conversation happen after he straightens his head out about his son-in-law. If you all go over there together, one of you can take her out of the room every time something like this is on TV.
I know it's hard to hold your daughter away from her grandfather, but this is a totally dysfunctional scenario you are describing, and you are this child's mother. She needs you to protect her from this kind of trash he is saying about her daddy.
Good luck,
Dawn
.
This isn't a good situation for a 6 year old to be in.
She doesn't need to hear bad things about her dad. This will build anxiety and insecurity.
She doesn't need to see violence or sexually inappropriate things. Once those are in her mind they will never get out.
Your dad and stepmom have told you that they will not respect appropriate boundaries for a 6 year old. Simply tell them that maybe she can come when she's older, but not right now. You can keep up the grandpa relationship in other ways...ways that you can oversee.
No. No. No. Sorry, but your father wrong in all ways in these situations He is immature - he is fighting with your husband and acting like a big, bratty kid. He sees nothing wrong with viewing inappropriate stuff with your child in the room, and the step mom is equally clueless. If they can't respect your family and your wishes, then they don't get to spend time with your daughter alone. Your duty is to your husband and child. Tell them she can visit when dad acts like a grown adult and shows some respect for your husband- at least be polite and cut the bad mouthing-and when they can exercise good judgement on what's appropriate for a child. Its on them to prove themselves.
No, I wouldn't let her go. Do you really want to teach your daughter that it is ok for someone to disrespect her father that way? And they disrespect you as well if they go against your wishes and a) badmouth her dad in front of either of you and b) let her watch inappropriate material on TV.
Your father should be the adult in the situation, not your daughter. You need to tell him that, for the sake of your daughter and you, he needs to find a way to be civil to and about your husband.
what a hard situation :( .............. i'd tell your dad that he is missing out on his granddaughter because of this grudge he's holding against your husband. so sad. to answer your question, sorry to say, but no i would not let my daughter go visit. just with the movies alone i wouldn't let her go visit. Then, add on the bad mouthing her father, no way.
It sounds like your father's way is his way or the highway.
Dawn said it really well.
Make it simple and do not put your daughter in the middle of this mess. Your father sounds like he comes first and foremost. If he wants to see his granddaughter, suggest a short visit, like a park date/picnic sort of thing. And insist that he does not mention your husband at all, or you leave.
It's hard to make ultimatums, but we've done it successfully with my in-laws. My husband made them promise not to make rude and racist remarks before he took our son to visit them-- they did hold true to their word and were aware enough to understand why this was necessary.
I wouldn't send my child at all. If they have an issue tell them that you know that from previous visits and behaviors that your parenting choices will not be respected. You also do NOT allow people to be disrespectful towards my husband in my or my child's presence. You need to be the ADULT you are NOT a child anymore - it is hard but you need to do it
No way I would let my kids go in that situation. If they don't understand that they cannot bad mouth her father and allow her to be exposed to adult content movies, then they are not responsible enough to take care of your child for a week.
If you're able to visit with her for a couple of weekend trips, that sounds reasonable. But until your dad can patch things up with your husband, it's not a good situation to put your daughter in without someone to protect her. And personally, I would put it out there ahead of time that if your husband is bad-mouthed, that you and your daughter will end the trip early.
Sorry you're stuck in the middle. Hope things work out soon between your hubby and dad.
She would not be going in this lifetime!
Wow..what a shame. If it were me, I would have told my father that what he is doing is unacceptable and that I would not be visiting him any longer nor calling him until he apologizes for this behavior. What kind of father doesn't forgive when it involves his daughter and grandaughter. He doesn't have to like your husband but he definately has to respect you and your family. As far as letting your daughter go over there, it doesn't sound to me like he would be a very good example for her. If he doesn't think anything of her watching sex, violence and cursing movies at 6 yrs old..what else is he or step-mom going to be letting her do. No way would me or my daughter be going over there until he learns to accept you and your husband and show some respect!
When my son was little, not even 1 yet I think, my mom started bad mouthing his dad. I asked her to stop, because I didn't want her to start that bad habit, and I told her that if she continued, my son and I would leave. Low and behold, about 30 minutes later, I overheard her bad mouthing him again from the other room. I packed my son up, told my mom I loved her and that she should call me when she felt she could keep her opinions to herself, and I left. We have a great relationship now, and she knows that if she has anything negative to say about my husband, it should only be done when my son is NO WHERE around, because you never know what kids will overhear. So, I would probably tell your dad that because he has proven his immaturity in the past, you're not comfortable having your daughter around him until he can grow up a little bit.
What do you think is more damaging to your 6 yo? Being exposed to negativity and R/X rated things, or not being around grandpa due to perfectly good reasons?
If you know they are going to do things with her that are against your wishes don't let her go by herself. If you want her to spend time with them you may have to suck it up and go without your husband but tell your father hey we will come visit on these conditions and tell him you don't want to hear him bad mouthing your husband. Flat out.
i think grandparent, especially alone grandparent time, is extremely important. there are few reasons i'd prohibit it.
but you've got two excellent ones here.
since your father is not willing to budge in order to spend time with his granddaughter, he's clearly stated where his priorities lie.
are you seriously considering sending your child to stay with someone for whom she isn't a priority?
khairete
S.
Tell dad you love him, but your first allegance is to your husband and child.
I would be curious to know what the fight was about....it had to be serius for your father to ask you and your family to leave.
Hope your family will be able to mend the fence.
Blessings..
Wow! For your daughter being 6 years old I wouldn't let her go until you have a talk with your dad and step-mom. I'm shocked that they don't see anything wrong with them watching movies like that when she is 6 and to bad mouth your husband when you are there as well. I really would talk to them and tell them that it is not appropriate to watch movies like and that you will not tolerate them bad mouthing your husband with your daughter there. Just be honest with them and if they still don't like it or won't try to change then be firm and tell them that this year your going to keep your daughter at home. Personally if my parents were doing that and they didn't want to change I would keep my son at home, he's 6 too, and I would plan a vacation with my son, husband and myself.
Sorry to hear that this is going on and hopefully it'll work out for you all.
You've gotten some great answers. I agree with not having your daughter go at all. I wouldn't even go with just the two of you, for all the previous stated reasons.
Another thing to consider: the underlying emotions that will be felt if just you and your daughter go. I would imagine you would feel stress, like you are waiting for the bomb to drop, or something similar. Your daughter is going to sense that from you, and that can have a negative impact on her as well. She might feel as if it is her fault, or who knows. As we all know, children aren't stupid, but they ARE perceptive.
Best of luck on whatever you decide.
Nope, I would keep her home until they can grow up. Your dad obviously has no respect, considering he says bad things about your husband, probably in front of your daughter. They let her watch movies you'd rather her not see. They really don't seem to have any respect. She is YOUR child. There is no way my daughter would be around that kind of toxic stuff. My first child isn't due until Sept, but I'm already trying to figure out how to explain why he won't spend alone time with my in-laws. MIL is always negative about EVERYTHING, and FIL is an alcoholic racist. There is no way I will let my kid be alone with them.
If your parents don't like it, they can change or not spend alone time with their granddaughter. It's up to them!
No. I would not send my child there alone.
