What to Do About My Ex Husband Letting My Kids Watch Rated R Movies.

He is not going to change. I would ask my oldest what movie(s
) he watched. As a last resort I would the movie or the makings of the movies with my littlest and talk to him about it. I am so sorry that you have to deal with a person with such little reguards for their kids.

Unfortunately, there isn't much control you have over what happens at their dad's house. Yes, you can vent your frustrations and voice your concerns, but unless your ex is willing to listen and do what is best for the boys, then it will fall upon deaf ears and especially if your ex feels like you are telling him what to do.

Yes, it sucks that you are the one that has to deal with the nightmares. I would however, stop asking the 10 year old to police what his younger brother sees on TV. That's A LOT of responsibility for a 10 year. And let's be honest here, it it your ex's responsibility to step up and be the adult and not permit the boys to watch things like that. Uggg, what is he thinking?

I digress. I would continue to "discuss" the situation with your ex-husband, but in a non-judgemental, non-confrontational I'm not telling you what to do kind of way. Take responsibility so that your ex doesn't feel like you are attacking his less than stellar parenting. Use the word, "I" more than "you". It again may take a few more conversations, but it will eventually pay off.

Keep us posted.
E.

Hi T.,

Well I have totally different advice thent he other people have responded.

1st,I have 4 kids and I don't hide anything from them. I don't allow them to watch xxx rated movies or anything but I also don't censor everything. So my advice let your kids know that from now on these are the rules in your house and Dad may have different ones then you but when they are at your house they follow your rules.

2nd, Also let your kids know that you don't approve of these movies and they will not be allowed to watch them at your house.

Get a piece of poster board write your rules down. Let them know there are clear consequences when they don't folloe the rules.

For you, I know you disapprove of the movies he is allowing them to watch. But this is like a tug of war the more you say to not let them watch them the more he is gonna let them watch them. So just lay low for awhile. Don't say anything about it and I bet he will stop doing it. Right now your EX knows you can't control him, what he does in his own house, with his own kids and it pisses you off. He has the upper hand when he sees that these things make you mad. Basically call his bluff.

Well you need to determine how you want to expend your energy. Are you always going to fight with your ex-husband or are you going to show your children how to impower themselves? Frankly, I'd vote on the later as the former seems beyond redemption. Sit down with the kids and ask them what they think about the movies they see at daddy's. If the sound bothers them, then send them with ear plugs so they don't have to listen to the sound. If they aren't interested in watching those movies, they need to take a stand against dad by saying, "Dad, these movies really bother me and I'd rather watch ______, which I brought with me. Can we watch it instead?" If he says no, tell them to go to the other room and send them with games, books, puzzles they can do on their own or give them the option of calling you to come pick them up if they feel that uncomfortable.

Ultimately, they need to learn that they have consequences for their own decisions...if they want to watch these movies, then they are going to have the nightmares...If they don't like the nightmares, they shouldn't watch the movies... If you treat them like little adults and teach them alternate ways to solve the problems they will thank you when they grow up because you have impowered them to make their own decisons! Good luck and keep us posted!

T.,
I agree with Sandy in respect to purchasing another TV for the bedroom, if their dad doesn't have another one. This will allow the boys to watch something else, just make sure to send movies they enjoy watching. I also suggest making the movies be full length movies so dad doesn't feel bothered having to go change a their movie in the middle of his own.
Our children (8 & 10) are allowed to watch most adult movies, including horror movies. If there is A LOT of disturbing violence or sexual content we will not allow it. We have allowed them to watch the same things as we would watch, with the exceptions listed above, since they were very small. One thing we have always made sure to do is discus the movies after they are over, making sure the boys know the blood is fake and it is only TV stuff for entertainment only. Talking about the movies afterward is always helpful. We do not/have not had an issue with the boys acting out what they see on TV or nightmares. We do make sure they cover their eyes when any 'heavy petting' comes on. My husband told me that he would rather the boys watch the movies with us so we could discus the issues with the boys, instead of them seeing such movies at other kids' homes when we are not there to explain what they are watching.
On the other hand, my little sister does not let my niece (8) watch any shows such as the Simpson's (due to 'mouthing') or TMNT (due to 'violence'). This can be an issue when she comes to our house or some of her other friends' house because it is more of the 'norm' and she has to leave the room if they are watching it. Due to the 'over' sheltering she gets nightmares from CSI.
With all that said, probably the easiest thing to do is see if your ex would discus the movies they watch with him. That way he can see what they are getting from the movies. This will give him an idea of what the boys are feeling after these movies are over. It will also give the boys a chance to talk about the movies before going to bed so they don't have the nightmares, or at least not as bad. Also, you may suggest that he let the kids watch a comedy or 'lighter' type of movie after the 'scary' one before going to bed. This helps our boys if one of the movies leaves them a little jumpy.
Sorry this was so long, but truly hope it helps. :)
Keep us posted.

T.,
I think Sandy's advice is great buying the TV and giving it to him with some movies for the kids. Also, I would send over some age appropriate board games with the kids and say something like, "All Bobby could talk about this week is playing this game with his Daddy" Maybe it will get him and the kids focused on more appropriate activities. As for not censoring your children I believe that there comes a point when everyone will need to censor themselves but 8 is a little young to start being the "Buddy" to your kids. Of course that is just one opinion. Good luck.

I hate to say this because i know it's expensive but could this be a matter to take to court? perhaps a judge could send your husband to parenting school or counseling regarding how he is handling. this is definitely a serious matter espec the research showing with boys and violence with visual images.

another option, a minister who will sit down with both of you, preferably one he respects. that speaks about your husbvand's love for them.

or maybe your husband is so tired or maybe he does not know how to entertain the kids on the weekends. I wish there was someone he admires who could help him out with brainstorm, or kids same age so he can learn by observing. I find men change very slowly on this stuff and have to watch the effects of good men parenting around them.

another option if he hates church, a person who does mitigations. or else a friend of his, preferably a man, or uncle or grandfather or someone who completely agrees with your viewpoint.

but again the only thing that has teeth is the expensive option. though sometimes you can pay a lawyer to write a "shot across the bow" letter to his lawyer to warn that this is serious and may be taken to court.

I feel for you. my husband just had news on and it took me two years to convince him videos only and even then we carefully screen them. children do not typically understand fantasy v. reality til age 6-8. lots of folks don't know this.

T., I feel your frustration. I go through the same issues with my boys. I'm a step-mom of two, but my boys see me more as mom than they see their own mom and she does similar things as your husband. Unfortunately the courts have informed my husband and I that we have no control over what she does when they're with her unless it's physically or mentally harming them in a manner we could prove in court to remove her visitations or limit them more. It's very frustrating knowing k, when they come home I have to work on everything all over again to get them back to how we had them prior to going over there. It's sad that the courts wont or can't do more to help the good parents to be able to do more to help their chilren. If anything comes to me or if anything works for me I'll defnitely let you know.

Many states offer a free of cost mediation program through the court system or social services. In Missouri it is called MARCH. I would reccomend that as a first step. They get the two of you together with a volunteer attorney or social worker to address the issue. The issue and the resolution is then filed with your divorce file. Hopefully this solves the problem - but if it doesn't, you have record of making this attempt first before you go any further. There are tons of research, statistics online regarding the harmful effects of your ex's parenting choices.

I do not believe the courts would accept this as appropriate parenting. You could tell your ex that if his inappropriate parenting continues, you will look into getting his rights with his boys limited to "with supervision".

sorry but i cant help you with this. i see no problem in it, i took my 8 year old who LOVES horror movies like i do and CG movies to see the Saw movies.

I'm sure what all can be done legally but you might look into that. If your ex isn't looking out for the best interest of your kids, then that's something you can present to an attorney or social worker. Just because he lets them watch horror movies doesn't mean the state is going to modify his visitation rights, so I think you talking to your 10 year old is the best move right now. He's got to be the one to set the example for his little brother. Explaining to your 4 year old that the movies aren't real might help.

I would speak to a legal professional to see if his weekends could be monitored to insure the best care for your children. Maybe get all the information that you can and then present it to your EX, see if things change if they don't start taking action. I have the same battle with my husband with my 9 year old but I'm around to say change the channel or Landen lets go to another room. What also might work is whenever your children get up because of nighmares call your ex and have him come over or speak to your son.......then he might see how it does have a negative affect on them and he'll stop. Maybe pack approved movies with them and say please watch these first and watch yours later when the kids are in bed.

I'm sorry you are going through this and hopefully it will stop. It's hard not having the control in a situation like this knowing it is hurting your children. I'll be praying for your family.

Good Luck
N.

I have a step son whose mother is very similar to your ex. He is now 11. We have learned that there is nothing you can do in court and definately nothing to be said to his mom about these issues. Just do what you can when you have them and they will see the difference. Kids like rules and boundries. Eventually, they will begin wanting to spend more time with the parent who does the most parenting. In the meantime, just remeber, you're not married to this person anymore and that means you can also run your home as you see fit.

First, I would talk to him about it again, be calm, nice and just tell him they have ratings for a reason and you know he would not want his children scared or upset by a movie. I would send some age appropriate movies with them when they go to his house, or buy some for them to keep there. That is taking the high road. When you speak with him about it, you might mention that you will send some of their favorite movies with the children when they come next time for him to keep. If you do not get results on that approach, #2 if you have contact with his mother or a grandparent, I would mention it to them, that you are concerned, and perhaps for gifts they could buy movies for the children, or movie tickets. If that isn't an option, as a last resort, I would keep a paper trail. Send him notification in writing, asking that he stop allowing the children, of such a tender age to watch inappropriate movies, explain nicely but firmly, you do not believe this is in the best interest of the children, due to fears,nightmares and violence. I would tell him that we can revisit this further when the children reach a more appropriate age. If after providing written notice, this continues, you can file an injunction with the court, where there will be a hearing, asking the court to tell him not to do this. You don't need an attorney to file an injuction. Anyone can file an injuction against anyone for anything, you are just asking the court to tell a person to stop something. Many land owners will do this sort of thing. You would need to file it in family court. Usually there is a parent plan set up through the courts, and this is something that might need to be amended to include age appropriate activities and movies. Generally you would see a parenting plan versus an injuction filed. I am sure he loves his boys, but just isn't thinking this through. Good luck!

T. - Something just can't be fixed. This is what happens when people get divorced with children - you lose control. Maybe an alternative is to ask you ex if you can all go see a movie together; this way you have some say so. Like I said, some things just cannot be fixed.

I would call the court that gave him his custody rights and let them know what he is doing and how his actions are affecting the children. I would also call my attorney and see what his/her thoughts are on the matter. They are his kids, too, but I believe that is why those movies are rated that way - because they are not for children. If they were believed to be for children, they would be rated G or PG.

My husband and I don't let our 11-1/2 year old watch rated R movies and some PG-13 movies. He doesn't watch the news or Cops or anything that talks about violence or sex either. He actually doesn't like to watch that stuff because he has never been able to. If something comes on like that, he asks us to change it. I don't see anything wrong with not letting your children watch things like that. I don't think we are overprotective, either.

I am not sure if the court would take that into consideration or not, but I would not back down on this. What it will do if they are allowed to continue to watch those movies is make them numb to violence. Let them be innocent for as long as you can.

I have a 4 yr old boy when Monster's Inc. came out he liked it,but I knew it would eventually scare him he watched it every now and then,around 3 or so it came on TV he woke up after that crying,wasn't sure why till it happened again it took a few times,till I said no more he can see it when he's a lil older.There is also a book by Seasame street the Monster at the end of this book,he wakes up crying took it away for a yr and just a few weeks ago he wanted me to read it,he woke up crying.These movies are harmful to children there is no value in watching these my husband wanted my son to watch an army show no way I told him there is guns violence killing shooting blood do you want to argue I said or are we done he's not watching these.He was mad at me for that but so what our son's well being is what matters to me. These movies are causing your children to miss behave not only giving them nitemares are you able to seek threapy for them under your exhusband's bill of Insurance? If so I would maybe that will shed some light on an uncooperative ex,I don't know how divorces go only been married for 3 yrs, but can you get a laywer again, get him involved and some how prove that your exhusband is an unfit father?

I would contact the court/your lawyer & see what you can do.

CHILDREN ARE ALWAYS THE FIRST CONCERN TO PROVIDE THEM WITH
PARENT MODELS THAT DEVELOP CHARACTER WITHIN THEM. THIS YOU
ALREADY KNOW. THE ISSUE: HOW DO YOU DO THIS WHEN THE
PARENTS ARE NOT IN AGREEMENT? I AM ASSUMING YOU HAVE TRIED, WITHOUT SUCCESS TO TALK WITH YOUR EX-HUSBAND WHAT IT
IS DOING TO THE BOYS I.E. MODELED BEHAVIOR TO ACT OUT, BUT
IT APPEARS YOUR VALUES ARE DIFFERENT, AND THE BOYS ARE IN
THE MIDDLE AND THE VICTIMS. IS IT POSSIBLE YOU COULD ASK
FOR TOTAL CUSTODY BASED UPON THE MODELED BEHAVIOR DEVELOPING UNDESIRABLE BEHAVIOR PATTERNS IN THE BOYS.
IT SEEMS YOU AND YOUR EX ARE VERY DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES
WITH DIFFERENT VALUES AND THE BOYS ARE VERY CONFUSED WHAT
PATH TO FOLLOW. THERE BEHAVIOR PATTERNS ARE BEING SHAPED
NOW(AS YOU KNOW) AND WILL FOLLOW THEM, THEIR FAMILIES AS
THEY BECOME FULLY GROWN.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT PRAYER? I HAVE DONE MUCH COUNSEL-
ING, AND OFTEN SUGGEST PRAYER (WHERE THEY BELIEVE) FOR
GOD TO WORK A MIRACLE.

HAVE YOU CONSIDERED COUNSELING? I WAS A 'BATTERED' WIFE
AND MY ONLY CHILD WAS ALSO PHYSICALLY AND VERBALLY ABUSED.
I HAVE LIVED THE DAMAGE DONE, AND SAD IT TOOK ME SO LONG
TO REMOVE HIM FROM THAT ENVIRONMENT. I DID NOT KNOW WHAT
I KNOW TODAY, BUT I DID THE BEST I KNEW WITH THE INFO I
HAD. BUT KNOWING WHAT I KNOW TODAY, I WOULD DO EVERY-
THING POSSIBLE TO REMOVE YOU 10 AND 4 YR OLD.......THE
20 YR OLD IS A MORE DIFFICULT SITUATION, AT HIS AGE.

I HEAR YOUR CONCERN, AND I 'CRINGE'. LET ME GIVE YOU
MY E MAIL: ____@____.com; TELE: ###-###-####.
I AM A PRACTICING PSYCHOLOGIST, LIVE IN GRAIN VALLEY,
MO. YOU ARE WELCOME TO CALL OR E MAIL.
GOD BLESS, N. J ANDREW, PhD