Father/Daughter Dance Advice for Daughters Who Recently Lost Dad(with Update)

I agree with Diana F. I'd talk to the girls about using that time to spend some time with Grandpa or an uncle, but doing something else special. I can only imagine it would be too painful to see all their girlfriends with their dads on that night. Good luck, please update us :)

I think their grandpa should call them and ask them himself if they would like to go to the dance with him. He can tell them that he is a willing substitute for the evening.
I think they should go with their grandpa. I think it would be a good bonding experience for the 3 of them and good for you to see that they can do this.
There are other girls who don't have dads for whatever reason - some of them will go with grandpas or uncles or dear friends of the family. They need to see that they aren't the only ones in this type of situation.
Put one foot in front of the other and you and they will get through the day...
YMMV
LBC

I just cannot imagine how terrible this is. I think running away would be appropriate. Going would just be too painful.

I'd ask the girls what they want to do giving them some options. If this were me, I think I might like to just stay home and cry. I think that would be OK.

I'm so sorry, not only for your daughters' loss, but for your own. To have a worry like this added to your own grief over your husband --- that's so stressful. I'm glad you already have a grief counselor on board. That's wise of you and you're handling things well.

I lost my dad suddenly at about the same age as your daughters and I know it's tough for the whole family.

Regarding the dance: Only you know if this would work or would hurt more, but why not ask the girls themselves? This could give them some sense of control, even over a small thing, at a time when they likely feel they have absolutely zero control over life.

Find a time that is calm and quiet, a time when they have not been subjected to hearing about the dance at school. Maybe initiate a conversation about their dad and his care for them (if they can handle that kind of talk dry-eyed yet). And ask them gently if they want to choose whether to go to the dance with grandpa, or stay home, or do something else that night to remember Dad in a positive way -- they could choose to go with you to a movie he was looking forward to seeing, or to do some kind of service project that he would have approved of (helping others is a great way to get outside your own grief a bit). IF you think they can process that kind of decision-making and it would help them, involve them in it. Be sure to have some options to present to them, as well as asking them if they can think of anything themselves. Don't ask for an answer then and there -- give them a day or so to think about what they want to do.

Others said to have them go to the dance as a way to show them "life does not stop," but I disagree. Their dad died just weeks ago, not months or a year ago, so their pain is extremely raw; I would not push them to attend with granddad just to make the point that "life goes on, so you have to go on."

They may surprise you and actually want to go to the dance as a way to honor their dad and his great planning. If they do, encourage them but don't push, and if they back out at the last moment, don't make them go but do distract them -- maybe using that limo and those dresses for a very nice dinner out instead with just family at the last moment. But I'd never force things with them right now.

This is, unfortunately, just the first of your times of dealing with their grief over years to come, but you are smart to think ahead about it and talk to the counselor about it.

I think I would do this -offer for your father to stand in for their dad if they want it. Keep the limo rental, etc. If they don't like this idea, tell them -"You know it's usually not okay to run away from problems and issues that upset us -we need to face them, but in this case -we're going to _______ for the weekend!" Maybe go somewhere where there's a nice restaurant where they could wear their dresses or something. They're having to face the loss of their father and deal with it every day. They're old enough to get that most of the time we can't just run away, but losing (and evidently suddenly) their father at 14 is not the usual scenario. I'm a big believer in facing problems head-on, but I lost my mother at 39, and ALL I wanted to do was go away for awhile! Let them make the choice, and see what the grief counselor says, but right now there's no reason to pour salt in a wound unless they really want to go with grandpa. I really feel for them and for you!

**I just have to say in case there are any administrators or school personnel reading -I have a HUGE problem with all the "father/son or father/daughter" stuff at schools! I don't normally advocate making special allowances or doing away with things for a few people, but in this day and age there are a LOT of fathers who are absentee, living in another area, in the service, etc. At my oldest son's school there are tons of single moms and dad has NEVER been around. Just this year the school has had TWO father/daughter dances, a father/son BBQ and a father/son pumpkin carving contest. They could still have these things but call them "parent/child." I've seen A LOT of upset and uncomfortable kids this year! I know it's an effort to get dads more involved, but if they can't be or they aren't around in the first place -it's an ugly situation for a child.

I lost my dad when I was 12, so I speak from both my experience as a daughter and as a mom of small children who almost lost my husband a couple of years ago. This is only my opinon, but here is goes: No matter where you go, the pain will still be there, and your daughters will look to you to lead them in how to deal with it. Don't make the mistake of sending them the message that distance (or any avoidance) will somehow make them feel better. The only way to help the pain and sadness lessen is to give it a voice and provide whatever comfort is needed when it speaks (and, of course, this applies to you - please make sure you are letting others care for you!). It may be too soon or not even fitting to go to a dance specifically intended for fathers and daughters, but why not take advantage of what is already arranged - let Grandpa take them out, somewhere else - they could probably tolerate that, and I bet their dad would have wanted them to grab any little bit of potential happiness that comes their way - and I'm sure he woudn't want them to feel guilty for doing it. I remember that, when my Dad died, his brother came to stay with us for a couple of weeks, and it made a big difference to me - gave me some hope that things could be better someday - and having someone comfort us who was not our grieving mother was also helpful - he could tolerate and see what my mom had difficulty with, for good reason. Things are different now, but there can still be happiness, and if they are lucky enough to have your father in their lives, take advantage of that. I am so, so sorry for your loss - they will always miss their dad, but there can be a day when they smile at the thought of him more often than cry! The sadness comes back at milestone occassions (marriage, babies, etc...) - In my case, I know he would have wanted me to be happy, and I try to honor him by living a life he would have been proud of. You sound like a strong and loving person - it may feel impossible at times, but I think you will all get through this, together!

I lost my father a few weeks ago, and there's still a lot too painful to do or think about for me. I can no longer go into his shed etc. Ask your girls what they want to do, and be led by what they're ready to do. If it were me, it would be too painful to go. Good luck.

I PM'd you originally about losing my own dad at age 18. Being SO soon after their loss, and seeing all the other girls there with their dads, I think going to the dance with grandpa would be too hard (would have been for me). When I got married four years after my dad died, I was proud to have my brother walk me down the isle; then a few months later a friend of mine got married in the same church with the same pastor, and I had a really hard time going to her wedding and watching her dad walk her down the isle. I pretty much made all kids of excuses, even "this dress isn't right for attending a wedding in" to try not to go - in the end I went, but it was hard, and this was four YEARS after my dad died. I would take them away for the weekend, or go spend time with the grandparents, but don't ask them to "replace" their dad with grandpa for this event... not yet. You could still ask if they would like their grandpa to take them out to a fancy dinner in the limo and all, but even that would probably just trigger feelings of "we were supposed to be doing this with DAD." I guess you need to discuss this with the girls, and make sure they are making the decision for themselves, not for you or their grandpa.

I experienced situations when I was first going through a divorce that were very awkward and painful like this one--certainly not as horrible as losing this special event right along with losing their daddy at a young age--but still personally devastating. It isn't necessarily "running away from their problems" to avoid the dance altogether if it's just too painful. They are certainly facing their grief in many, many other waysm whether or not they attend this dance. They will have future situations when their dad should have been there, and they will find ways of coping. But that may be just too much to expect of themselves right now.

And it WILL be painful, no matter what. Over and over throughout the event they will be reminded that he is not there with them, after all of the anticipation and preparations. There is no good solution. It might be wonderful with their grandfather, but it would have been more wonderful if their grandfather was standing in while Daddy was out of town on an unavoidable business trip or recovering from surgery, or any other reason besides this tragic reason.

The way that I coped during the first few difficult events was to totally check out and pretend it was a regular day and not the holiday that I was missing having with my kids.

I was still dealing with the PROBLEM of being a newly single M. in all of the logisitcally and emotionally necessary ways, but it was not necessary for my recovery from the divorce to have my heart wrenched by attending those first few holiday events alone.

For me, it was easier to stay home from church that first Mother's Day, instead of being alone without my children while they had visitation with their father......and watching other mothers have flowers presented to them by their children during the service (having someone else's child give me a flower would have been nice but completely inadequate for easing the discomfort and grief)......and explaining to people over and over why my children weren't with me. (Really, why subject any mother to THAT!)

I pretended it was just another day in July, and not the 4th of July, while my children went with their dad for our traditional day of a city parade, country club picnic, and fireworks--without me. Going alone or with friends would felt been very awkward for all of us. After several months, this sort of mental escape was not necessary anymore, and traditions were adapted or re-made.

Let your daughters decidewhat to do about the dance--and be prepared for the possibility of them changing their minds at the last minute or even after arriving at the dance. They might not both decide the same thing. Offer a fun alternative as an option to distract them that weekend.

If they decide not to go to the dance, perhaps their dresses can be worn in memory of their father for future special occasions at times when it is possible to feel love and pride in his memory awhile wearing them, and not just pain at the loss. Depending on the fabric of the dresses, perhaps some of the material might be worked into their wedding dresses in his honor.

P.S. I just read S.S.'s answer. Consider her idea and have the three of you have a special girls night out. Discuss how wonderful Daddy was to rent this luxurious limo for them and share stories about him during the night. If you all cry, it will be okay, because no one else will be around, and this could become a wonderful memory of the three of you banding together as a strength for each other.

I lost my mother when I was 13 - not the same, I know, but through high school whenever there were Mother/Daughter activities we attended with other adult women who were in lives - sometimes a friend's mom, our Aunt, a close neighbor. And while the activities always held an aspect of bittersweet we came to value these women who tried to fill the void for us.

I think KansasMom's advice is a good. If their Grandfather is willing to fill in, and the girls are willing to go, then let them. Oh, it will not be easy - the first step to the "new normal" is never easy. Also, K., please be sure you are okay with them going also - I learned years later that it slayed my Father to watch us go off with other "Moms" at first.

Honestly, it may be too early for you all. In that case, plan something to do that evening with just the three of you - take in a "chic flic", go out to dinner - a time for you all to spend together.

My heart aches for you and the girls. I will keep you in my thoughts and prays.

God Bless
and
Happy Mother's Day to you, who I think is a most amazing Mother.

I agree that the girls need to take part in this decision. If they do go to the dance with your dad, it would be nice if someone else came as well, so it would be less like a substitute for their dad and more of a group thing. Also, like someone mentioned, there would be someone there for support for each girl.

However, I do not think they should go to the dance. While having someone stand in for their dad may seem like a great alternative, it will never fill the void. And it's a dance, so there will be all kinds of songs about dads and daughters... I think it's an invitation for more heartache.

My vote is for you all to do something together to honor him on your own, separate from the dance. Use the limo, dress up in the fancy dresses, but create your own special night with them.

You are such a strong and resilient person, and a wonderful mother and role model for your girls. I hope that you are also taking time to grieve the loss of your husband, and that you continue to feel the support and love that surrounds you during these hard times. Happy Mother's Day to you!

I lost my father when I was 20, however, he was never really around for a long time, and even when my parents were married, he didn't have much to do with us. What I would suggest is this. Ask them if they would rather go to the dance with your father, or see if they would like to go out with you. All of you get dressed up, ride in the limo and play putt-putt, go out to dinner. Have a wonderful girls night out. Be goofy, and just try to have the most fun that you can. So sorry to hear about this.

Your father is the perfect escort for them. He's not their father but he is a male relative who really loves them. No one can replace their Dad. They are grieving and will be for a long time.
A dear friend of mine lost her husband. Her daughter was getting married the next summer. The daughter's godfather walked her down the aisle with the mother. It was very fitting. And still she and everyone else all talked about her father missing her big day.

First I think it was so insenitive of the school to make this announcement. Surely they are aware of the death of the girls father. As we all know, life goes on but my gosh his death is still so fresh in your minds and all of your grief is still so raw. As far as the dance, I would ask them what they want to do but I can not imagine it would be an enjoyable night for them. Once again their grief is too raw. Their father would want them to have a good time. Fighting tears all night seeing the other girls with their dads may be just too much right now.
If they say they would prefer not to go, could you still use the limo to do something special where the girls can get dressed up and do something fun. Perhaps not the night of the dance but another night where they could each bring a friend and you could too?
God Bless all of you! You and your daughters continue to be in my prayers. Also, please give yourself time to grieve. You are understandably focused on your daughters but they need you to be strong and to do that you will have to work through your own grief.

Okay, I don't have any personal experience with this, but I'm trying to think about how I would feel if I were their age and I just lost my father less than two weeks ago. If it were me, I would not want to go. It would be way too painful to look around and see all of my friends and classmates with their dads. The pain would be too fresh, and it would be too soon to try and do something like that.

But that's me. I think they are old enough for you to ask them what they want to do. Talk to them about different options they have: they can go to the dance with their grandfather, or they can go out with you and do something special instead, or something else they think might be fun. They've already been through a lot of pain; personally I think having them go to the dance would be more painful than helpful. I wouldn't consider it running away from their problems, because missing a Father/Daughter dance isn't the end of the world. My school didn't even have anything like that when I was in middle school, so I don't think they are missing out on anything. Anyway, I think it's good that you are seeing a grief counselor, and I hope you are able to figure out the best thing to do. I'm so sorry for your loss. Good luck. And Happy Mother's Day.

I would ask the girls if they would like to go with grand-dad and leave it totally up to them, no pressure. Also, have the talk with them. Tell them it's okay to have emotional moments and assure them they are not alone (I'm sure you've done this, but sometimes it helps to repeat). Tell them also people will probably go out of their way to be extra nice and that it's fine and if they feel it's overwhelming, change the subject, do something quirky to lighten the moment. They are 14 and there are a lot of emotional changes on the horizon as well as special events they will have to mentally prepare to cope with while they mourn the loss of their father.

Best to you as well. ONE DAY AT A TIME...truly!

I think you need to let them make this decision. Is Grandpa willing to be a stand in for Dad for the evening? Let them be your guide in this. And if they do decide to go...don't be surprised if the evening ends earlier than expected...it would be a very difficult, emotional time for them.
Maybe there is ANOTHER man that is important to them...an uncle...pastor...close neighbor who could go along to so that there is one adult to deal with each girl if they each need it. And it would be a little LESS like going with Dad if there were two men there. Just a thought.
Good luck to you.. my heart aches for you all..I can only imagine how difficult this is for you.

I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going thru. You are right there is no easy answer for this. If they have a close relationship with your Dad
ask them, maybe ask your Dad to ask them if "he could have the honor" of
taking them. They may just want to leave town for the weekend. Sorry I
cannot offer you more help. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Try
to have a good Mothers Day.

It's too soon to think they can handle going and seeing all the other girls with their Dads, no matter how much Grandpop loves them and is close to them. I'd go away for the weekend. At every milestone he will be missed and they will have to learn to deal with it but this is too soon. There will be other events, graduation etc where it will be great to have extended family.
My niece and nephew went through this when they were about 13 and 15 so I feel for your daughters and you.

I think it's too soon for your daughters to attend the dance even if it's with their loving grandfather. I think it's a wonderful and amazing idea, but I just think it's too soon. A simple announcement about the dance was horrible for them, you know? And school ends in a month.

So here's my take. For this particular event, make an executive decision as their mother that they don't have to attend. Instead, perhaps you can all plan a memorial for their dad and they can wear their dresses and you can take the limo somewhere quiet and special to remember their dad. Maybe a favorite place he used to love before the girls were born or when they were little but hadn't been to in a long time and you can introduce them to it. Go out to dinner with his reservations as part of the memorial "service." But allow them to do this with your private group so that if they get upset, they won't have the entire school watching.

Just a thought. I'm very sorry for your loss. {{{HUG}}}

Either they dont attend the dance or they choose a grandpa or an uncle to escort them. In 2 weeks they may be thinking differently than they are today.
In the meantime figure out what male role model options are available for the dance and make the suggestion. Can a mom go in place of a dad if there isnt one? I'd call the school and ask them what they've seen happen in the past when these things have occured. Sometimes bad divorces make it impossible for a dad to show, whom have other young ladies replaced their dads with for this event?

Obviously you will have to follow thier lead on this one but here are some options. Since they have their dresses and Dad was going all out, I would say they could honor him by still attending knowing he is with them in their hearts. Take a picture of the girls together in their dresses and the day after take a copy to the cemetary as a special gesture. Someone can "stand in" for Dad (you, one or both grandfathers, a special uncle, an older brother (if there is one), or a friend's dad (who isn't already attending). I would suggest you offer these ideas and let them decide what they would prefer.

I would talk to your daughters and ask them which option they would like.
You mentioned a lot of good options. It will be hard no matter what, but if they are close to their grandfather, maybe they would like that.

Dear K.,
Your heart-wrenching story touched me deeply. You have already received many helpful and thoughtful replies. I will add just a thought: it's good and healthy to be flexible and able to change plans when life doesn't cooperate with your plans. Consider changing your perception of doing something other than going to the dance as "to run away from things". This is an opportunity for you to teach your daughters resiliency and independence. If you can re-frame your own thoughts, a lot of the angst your daughters may be feeling coming from you may fade, and could be replaced with anticipation of what fresh, fun event would be more appropriate for your family at this time.

I have no answer, but I completely feel for you. I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going through. It sounds like your girls have a very strong and caring mom to help them get through this. I am sure whatever you decide and how you handle this will be dealt this with the up most love and compassion we as mothers can give.

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and for your two daughter's father. It is a hard thing and time will soften the loss, but never make it go away totally. Focus on the good memories.......... I lost my father 20 years ago.....much too soon.

Anyhow, your question, before I even read the part about your father that is who i was going to suggest . Grandpa take them if they still want to go. It may not be quite the same, but they will have in later in the years to come the fond memory of their Grandpa standing in for their Dad. And let them know their Dad is watching down and glad they made the decision to go!

R.

Talk to them and get Grandpa to stand In. TEACH that life, does go on. They will have memories of Grandad for years to come. I know...I lost my Dad, Step-Dad, Grandma and Grandpa all over the space of a few years. I wasnt 14....but, maybe THEY could and can grasp what I couldnt at that age.

God Bless.

My granddaughter that we are raising has no contact with her dad. He pays child support every week without fail and sends her money at Christmas but has no interest in her as a person. She is just 7 and it makes her feel like something is wrong with her.

My BFF's husband takes his daughter and our granddaughter to the daddy daughter dance and makes it very special for them. He wears a kilt and full dress. They go out to eat afterwards and have a blast. It is really a special time.

I cannot say for your girls but I would ask them what they want to do. It could be a very short evening for them even if they go. I might let them decide if they want to ask someone to take them. A trusted family friend or your father, but maybe even one for each of them. They may also not want to go.

I would go by what they say. If they say no then I would not push it. I might have the persons on call just in case they change their minds at the last moment though. As the time gets closer they may show a lot more stress too.

I'd also skip the dance- I'd even consider letting them stay home the 1st school day after the dance since there may be a lot of talk about it.
So sorry you're all going through this. My best friend lost her Dad to cancer when she was in the 4th grade. Luckily there were no father/daughter dances, but Father's Day was about 2 months after he died, and it was hard- they were very close.
I'll say a prayer for the 3 of you.

I am sorry to hear about your loss and your children's loss. I would ask them if they would like grandpa to take them as their father would like that for them. Or another father role model in the family. Let them go in memory of their father as he wanted them to go.If they don't wish to go that is their choice.
Explain God wanted their father to come home and he is home safe. It doesn't make the pain go away only time does. He is resting not gone. His memories will be there forever. I recently lost my father and it is never easy.
I send you lots of bessings.
N. Marie

I am sorry to hear about your loss. Perhaps you can take your daughters to the dinner and limo and enjoy the dance and share some memories about their father. ~ J.

I think the offer of your dad taking them is a wonderful idea! I'm so sorry for the loss of their dad. Such grief for young girls to bear.

truly sorry to all of you for your loss. be there for your girls. talk with them and see how they feel. Then go from there.

Maybe on the day the father/daughter dance is, you all can go to his site, pay him a visit. Talk with him, and all of you dance together with him. Who said the dance had to be at school???

may seem strange, but what better way to still have him close and in spirit.

xoxoxox

Hi K.,

I think you should give them an option. They can take your father to the dance, knowing he would never replace their father. However, it may be fun for them to be at the dance with their friends as well.

The other option would be to take that night and do something fun, just you girls. I shared with you in your last post that our family was supposed to take a cruise. Our mom gave us the option to cancel or go, just my mom, sister and I. We went and had the BEST time every. I really think this is your chance to have that time together with your girls. I'd go out to dinner, get pedicures, just do some fun stuff together as a family. That way the girls won't have to see all of their friends dancing with their dads.

I think Father's Day could be reserved for going to visit their dad. I guess if you're going to have a fun day on the dance day I would maybe avoid going to visit him as I know that would bring a flood of emotions to me and I'm sure will to your girls as well. I think it's very appropriate to celebrate dad's life on Father's Day.

Hope that helps, still thinking of you and your family. Sending prayers your way.