Son Was Stillborn Almost 2 Years Ago. Having a Hard Time This Evening.

I am so incredibly sorry for your loss... I looked at your website and Taylor was a beautiful, perfect little boy. The pictures were so beautiful but broke my heart, I can't even imagine the pain you and your family went through.

There is nothing in the world like a mother's love for her baby - your love for Taylor will never go away, which also means the pain of his loss will probably always be with you. It's perfectly understandable for you to grieve over his loss, even two years later (or 5, 10 or 20 years!). I'm sure that losing Taylor has made you an even more amazing and grateful mommy to Dylan and JennaLee.

I'm sorry I don't have better advice to give, but I just wanted you to know that your story touched me and that there was another mommy out here thinking of you.

{{Hugs}}

Thank you for sharing your beautiful website and photos with us here on Mamasource. Your grief, though painful, is "normal", so when you feel like curling into a ball and crying, go for it. I see you have done some journaling on the website, and that can be incredibly healing. It also sounds like you have a strong faith; may it guide you through.

I have never suffered the loss of a child (but plenty of other losses), but I have come to realize the importance of grief. Society tends to tell us that we should only grieve for a certain amount of time and then be fine. But I think that is garbage. We carry those losses with us forever and the grief will continue to affect us. And different life events and seasons can trigger stronger feelings. Let yourself continue to grieve, embrace the need to cry at times. It sounds like you have not allowed it to damage your relationship with your other 2 kids which is healthy. So if you want to curl in a ball and cry when they are asleep, then do so. Personally I think it is healthy. I still cry over the loss of my mother, especially when I watch my son growing up and realize how much she would have loved knowing him. And she died almost 14 years ago.

Dianne gives good advice in terms of the winter blues. Just one correction, the winter sun is not strong enough to stimulate vitamin D production in our bodies (it has been shown to not be strong enough from mid-September to April) so supplementation is even more key and/or invest in a full spectrum light.

Trust in that it does get easier to live with the loss but you will still have days when nothing helps. Our son was born too soon at 20 weeks and would be in his first year of college if he were here. I took his death very hard and it took a long time to come to terms with it all. I didn't see his records until I found out I was going to have our daughter three years later. It was so hard to read "still born" in his records since he did live for 15 minutes. Talking really helps but most of all remembering his time with us does. You have a beautiful memorial for Taylor and you have a gift with your photography. I hope you are able to share that with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep in the near future.

Only moms who have been thru what you've experienced can truly understand how you feel. I had 2 miscarriages but they were early in the pregnancy and that's much different than a still born. So I won't pretend to understand how you feel.

However, living in the cold and not getting any sunshine has a lot to do with how we feel. The winter blues are a real thing. We're cooped up in a house or office all day, when we go outside we're so bundled up that we can barely move. The windchill can be so unbearable that your nose hairs freeze on contact. You know what I mean! :)

But what really happens is that we are vitamin D deficient. Check with your doctor and ask them to do a blood test for vitamin D. Low levels of this important vitamin can cause all kinds of issues including some depression. Supplementation can help but I would also recommend 15 minutes a day (all year round) of sun a day. I don't advocate sunburn or sun bathing, but 15 minutes of exposing your skin to the sun so that your body can make this valuable vitamin.

More questions - contact me.

All the best to you,

D.