34 answers

To Mothers That Have Lost a Baby

I am 36 weeks pregnant with a baby that probably will not make it due to posterior urethral valves. He was diagnosed at 20 weeks which by the time we caught it his kidneys had failed and there is no emniotic fluid. I am just wondering how do you deal with everyday life after you loose the baby? He has a 1% chance at making it more then a few minuets out of utero. I am trying very hard to be stong for my almost 4 year old and I believe I am doing well at it. We talk about how he is going to be an angel and help God pour out the rain. I tell him that is how we will always be able to play with him. My biggest fear with this is he has a brother from his biological father and he knows what being a big brother is all about. I am scared this will hurt him even more then it does me because he is always asking when #2 will come out and play with him. I know I am strong and working will help me deal with it. Any good tips from moms who have lost children on how to help the oldest deal with this issue and how you move on yourself. I know I will always iss my little turtle as we call number two but I also know that God has his reasons.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

After 2 neuphrologists 3 seperate high risk doctors and 3 very painful amniosytisis (they had to tap his bladder) there is nothing we can do to salvage his kidneys. Also considering there is no emniotic fluid. His lungs are not developing. I have faiith that God will do what is right for my son. I pray for the best expect the worse. I am going to have to read through the posts again to see who wrote what. I am glad mamapedia is here so I could have you wonderful women to help me through this.

Momma L- I visited the site. It is wonderful. The cost is a little high considering I barely make due now with all of our new expenses but the site is beautiful and I thank you so much for the recomendation.

Cheryl- I am sure I will be in need of a good therapist. Right now I am glad to say that my ob-gyn is taking care of me not only physically but mentally as well. We live in a small community and she is one of those if i need her I just walk to her house.

Debi- We are planning to have a funeral for him. He will be burried with his name ( Liam Douglas) after the two best men I have ever known.

As for my son- He is the only reason I am so strong through all of this. I feel I have to be his rock. He handles this part very well but I just worry what he will do when we cannot bring little turtle home.

I will never give up hope for my little turtle. As long as he is alive there is a chance. And believe me a butt in the ribs really lets me know he is alive.

And believe me I have had my fair share of tears in the bath-tub. I cry when I am alone. Otherwise they are always there I just dont let them fall. Thank you to all of you for the advice. I am fortunate to have a strong support team.

Featured Answers

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. There are a lot of online support groups/message boards at babycenter.com. One group is dedicated especially to mothers whose babies have a condition that is fatal or has a poor prognosis:

http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a6711405/carrying_...

It might be helpful to connect with other mothers in the same situation.

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers

I am so sorry. I lost twin girls who were stillborn, and my daughter had so been looking forward to being their big sister.

First and foremost, take care of you. Your son will feed off how you are doing and handling things.

Remind him that his little brother can look down on him from heaven, and anytime he wants to talk to him he can. Don't be surprised if he becomes his invisible friend. A friend of mine had 3 stillborn children before she delivered her daughter who is now 17. She took pictures of them and has them on the wall so her daughter grew up knowing she had older siblings, so make sure to take pictures of your baby son. She also made each of them small baby albums she has given to her daughter. Also, if you plan a memorial ask your son if there is something he'd like to do for his brother, draw a picture, give him something of his, something that he chooses to do.

If you can find it there's a book, All Shining in the Spring: The Story of a Baby Who Died written by Siobhan Parkinson, with a similar story to yours. In it Matthew is looking forward to the new baby and planning how he will help with looking after his little brother or sister and the games they will play when the baby is older. Then there is sad news. The doctor tells Matthew's parents that the baby is not growing properly inside its mother and will not be able to live after it is born. It was written by the author to help her own son cope with the death of their new baby at birth, and is a child-centred, simply-written book, intended to give a child a clear and sympathetic understanding of the death of a baby, be it a family member or not, and to deal with the feelings and questions which such a death raises.

Praying for God's comfort and strength for you, {{HUGS}}

19 moms found this helpful

I have no advice, I'm sorry to say. I just wanted you to know, I'm saying prayers for your family. I admire your strength and faith. Just from this short question, I can tell you are a wonderful mother and beautiful person.

16 moms found this helpful

I cannot begin to say how sorry i am.

I lost Alexis at 22 weeks without warning.

Nicky's God parents lost their daughter at 40 weeks - she was still born and still to this day (16 years later) they do NOT know why....

You take a deep breath. Let it out slowly. Take one day at a time. One moment at a time. You will cry at the littlest thing. You will laugh and feel bad for laughing. Emotions are all over the place.

Life does go on. You will NEVER forget. EVER. But as time goes by, you learn to pull it out from a drawer in your mind and touch it/feel it...it takes time. You might need to talk to a therapist to learn how to compartmentalize your feelings. This is a devastating loss. Accept shoulders, hugs and help from friends.

I'll be praying for you.

14 moms found this helpful

I am so sorry you are going through this. As a mother who has buried a child all I can tell you is that it is the hardest thing I have ever experienced. My son was 17 days old when he passed away almost 11 years ago and it is still hard. Although I do not believe time heals all wounds, with time you do get better at coping with it. Re: your son... kids are incredibly resilient and he will be fine as long as you are fine. My daughter was a month shy of 3 when her brother died. She actually did quite well although when her sister was born 2 years after his death she was very anxious we would loose her too. She is still very protective of her sister. I will pray for you, your baby and family. God Bless. You sound like an amazingly strong woman.

11 moms found this helpful

I am so sorry about what you are going through and so humbled by your strength.

A friend of mine (I met her shortly after this happened) knew her second baby would not survive outside her womb and carried him to full term, enjoying every minute she had with him while he experienced his only "life" within. Her family and friends were there to support her and her family. They gave him his name, had a proper funeral and burial and honor his birthday/passing each year. She never forgets him and will always have two kids. Her daughter was probably a little older than 3 when it happened and she seems to understand now what happened but not sure about then.

Warm thoughts to you.

9 moms found this helpful

I am so sorry - all of us are.

Please talk to the social workers at the hospital about getting counseling for you and your family. You need to know how best to approach it for your child's sake. And there is nothing wrong with getting help for yourself. I cannot imagine being in your shoes.

D.

7 moms found this helpful

I am so sorry, I have not experienced this and you are handling it so gracefully, with so much tender concern for your son. your family will be i my prayers.

I don't know about explaining a loss of a baby brother, but my boys, the same age as yours. ask about playing with their grandpa, and we have to tell them that they will be able to play with him in heaven when they too go to join him, but that we won't be able to physically see or play with him like we are able to with other friends and families b/c their body is not on this earth, But we say we can always remember him in our hearts and even talk to him if we want too.

Do you have a memento at all? I know this artist makes mini sculptures of angel babies for families with lost children. I have even seen her have special little turtle ones. She custom makes them a lot, she made a figuring of my father when he passed and it was beautiful.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/TheMidnightOrange?ref=seller_info

look through her sold listings to see some of her angel babies and family sculptures:
http://www.etsy.com/shop/TheMidnightOrange/sold

7 moms found this helpful

I'm so so sorry. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family...and will continue to be! Your son sees...and feels...your strength. And it's ok too to not be strong when you can't be. I think it's times like these that you feel calmness and strength that you didn't know you had. Yes..God does have his reasons and will also be with you through all of this. We are sending our love, thoughts and prayers to you & your family ~ always ~

6 moms found this helpful

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