Trouble with MIL

Just try not to take it so personally. After all close relationships with others is important for personal growth. And, be thankful she's so close and that you actually do get along. There are a lot of nightmare MIL stories out there! LOL ;) My own MIL makes me absolutely insane - but she's very helpful and is good to me always. So, I just try to find balance. Good luck.

Just remember it is the rub for having great sitters! If you don't want her to be so close the other option is not using them to baby sit so much. I know my mom wierds me out sometimes saying things like "there is my baby girl" I am like, hey that's MY baby girl. LOL You can't beat having a grandparent sit for you in my opinion. Take it with a grain of salt. : ) They just love them so much sometimes they can't help themselves. Maybe also try to keep in mind that they are living vicariously through you in a way. They will never have kids again. Sad when you look at it that way. No harm no foul. Good luck. : )

When I first ready your posting, I thought of that show "Everybody Loves Raymond."

Okay, but It's really your Hubby that ALSO has to signal to his dear Mommy, that there are 'Boundaries."

There is your "private" life as a family... and "public" in which the relatives/in-laws can or cannot be privy too. You need to decide what and when that is... AND Hubby too.

MIL seems a bit attached in a ball and chain kind of way. I would be irked too. Yes, she's nice and means well... but it is also interfering. Yes?

My Mom lives with us... in the same house. We have finally gotten our boundaries in line. Together. Because, we ALL talked about it... you need to communicate without trying to ex-communicate someone. My Mom used to feel SHE could "decide" whatever and whenever and however the children were handled, since she is the "Grandma" and the "Senior." But, now, she understands that we as the Parents, are the PRIMARY pivot in our childrens lives. She knows when to defer to us... AND, our eldest child "knows" that even if Grandma "allows" her something... that she must FIRST ask US for permission. If out shopping.. .if my Mom is going to buy her something that she's not sure about, my girl will actually tell her Grandma "We have to ask Mommy & Daddy first..." Our girl has learned responsibility at her young age regarding "who" is in charge. We are proud of her. But also, my Mom respects this. We rarely have any conflicts about it anymore. -Perhaps you need to teach your girl, about this as well.

It's a work in progress... your MIL needs to know, that "Parents" are the one's who decide things.

In light of all the things she buys for your child... she really needs to learn how to "ask permission" first. I mean.. do you even lay down "rules" for your child and the family? It seems that MIL controls everything... Your girl seems to defer to her Grandma and what she says... rather than you/Hubby....your daughter at only 22 months old, "tells" you she is going to go to Nana & Poppa's house...and no one asks YOU if this is okay. This is kinda, not good. You don't need to give in to her... there has to be limits....as your girl gets older, you can't just have Grandma buy anything willy nilly without forethought or respect to you as Parents. As your girl gets older, it gets more complicated, and you don't want your girl getting confused or mixed up signals about what is right/wrong, good/bad, allowed/not allowed in life.

Before Grandma and my girl go out shopping for example, My Mom will ask us if it's okay. Then we say "yes, thanks for asking first." Then before they leave, we kindly explain to her and my girl what she can or cannot buy...ie: "no candy,.. or nothing expensive..." for example. You see, we lay down "rules" BEFOREHAND. It clears up the whole picture for everyone. Plus, my girl "learns" that it's not a shopping spree.. and it's "special" and that WE her "Parents" are deciding.

Also, um, it's surely your Hubby that needs also to wise up about this. When a man marries.. it is his WIFE and children that comes first... not his "Mommy" anymore. I think MIL is not cutting the apron strings. It's a handicap... and creates handicaps in others, as you can see... she seems to like having Hubby and your girl dependent on her.

Yes, she is nice, you all get along, she means well, she's caring..... but, she is usurping even YOUR family from enjoying your children and the ability to buy things for them. This is really... monopolizing them. I think. Just my opinion.
Doting Grandparents are a blessing and great....but not if they are given free reign on your own family or children AND Hubby and privacy. I mean, your MIL even "texted" your Hubby and then called just because she heard your girl cryng???? Egad... that's a little too much. Um.... priorities.

take more time in visiting your own family, even if they are 30 minutes away. That's not that far. AND have THEM come over too. Try to create a balance... they need to see you and their grandchildren too. And, your girl/new baby "needs" to "know" them too.

You seem very caring.. and patient and accommodating. There is nothing wrong with that.. .but you wrote here for advice, so it must bother you to some extent about MIL's behavior and it's impact on your girl and Hubby. You appreciate all their loving... but at the same time... there are boundaries, and "rules" which the Parents have over their children and family. Children ALSO need to know this. From a young age... my girl would start to only listen to my Mom/Grandma & my Mom was very overly attached to my eldest girl too... but it was not good... and we taught both my Mom AND our daughter that she needs to ask US, the Parents about things... that WE are the one's who decide. And now, we have a very good dynamic and understanding about it... because we have "rules" of the road so to speak. Children should not be confused about it either.

Sorry if I sounded too blunt. But it's just my own experience and what helped us.
Good luck,
Susan

The best way to "get over it" is to solve it. If there are times that she steps on your toes you need to put your foot down. In the situation last night when she called you could have simply said, "She is upset right now and it isn't a good time, I will have her call you in the morning." If she is buying too many things you can tell your MIL that you want to encourage healthy relationships and her buying the kids so much will cause them to expect gifts all the time. Tell her that you have problems taking them to the store because they want you to buy them something every time they go. Ask that she leave gift buying for special occasions. I would also keep your daughter home and explain to your MIL that you had plans with her and she can come over some other time. If she ever makes plans with your kids without you I would every time come up with an excuse to keep her home. Your MIL should ask you if she can have the kids not the kids. Assert yourself and everything will eventually work itself out. remember that you are the boss and let your husband know that you expect his support.

Hi K., Your mother in law hear your baby crying 5 minutes away? she muct have Grandma Radar. I'm 51 and so waiting to be a grandma. I have heard that grandmas have this unspoken rule that it's their jon to spoil their grandkids, my mom did mine. I don't think you are being hormnal, I could be wrong, but what I think you may be feeling a little like grandma is stepping on your toes as the mom, it shows that you understand how blessed you are, but sometimes as mom's we just want to be moms, with out the interjection of someone else even if it's grandma and grandpa, go ahead let her spoil your kids, if it ever comes down to you feeling like she is stepping in where you need to be, then in a very loving and respectful way let her know how you feel, and if you need to vent, hey you have all us moms out there you can vent too. Hope this helps a little. J. L.

Dear K.:

There's nothing better than wonderful and involved in-laws. Mine have passed away and I miss them terribly.

In your situation, I believe your wonderful MIL HAS crossed the line. As a prior poster mentioned, she invaded your privacy by listening in, texting and then calling to get involved in the solution. Why couldn't she trust the two of you to handle it? That was NOT okay. The same goes for the shopping. She is creating a greedy child without realizing it...not okay.

BUT, your husband needs to handle this, not you, in order to preserve your relationship with your in-laws. First, you need to get on the same page with your husband. Make sure he sees the problem, agrees with the fact that it IS a problem and decides on a game plan. He needs to approach his mother HIMSELF and tell her that he is concerned that she is undermining her OWN future relationship with the child she so loves...that she may not have noticed but the child is going to begin viewing her as a slot machine or ATM and it's affecting the child and the extended family. Then he needs to ask her to abide by the guidelines (whatever you two have pre-decided).

Also, he needs to tell her that the episode with the eavesdropping, texting, calling, and acting like "Superman" was NOT okay and was demeaning to the two of you as parents and that she needs to stop that behavior right away. All this coming from her beloved son, without you present, will make it much easier for her to accept. He especially needs to be sure that it all is said as coming from HIM, not you.

(If YOUR parents ever do anything wierd, YOU can handle that one!)

This is the way my husband and I took care of "issues" with our parents and it worked for thirteen years...beautifully!

Best wishes,

M.

Hi K., My ILs used to live with me and wouldn't hardly say hello to my children. But when their daughters kids came over they would buy them stuff and treat them like family. They treated my kids like they were my kids and not my husbands. That used to really hurt me, but my husband never seemed to notice.

Well, that was years ago and my kids are now 32 and 28 years old with children of their own. I decided to give all the love and attention that I would have liked to get from them for my grandchildren. That was a problem, because my daughter ILs didn't like nor appreciate it. I was accussed of being doteing and spoiling the kids.

I have so much love to give I became a child care provider so that I can assure the emotional health of all the children I care for.

I followed my Mother's lead in Grandparenting, she had 45 grandchilderen and 63 Greats and everyone felt they were the favorite. She didn't have money to spend, but she was rich with love. (I really miss her laugh) :(

I don't know if you feel jealous of your MIL relationship with your child or not, but no one can steal the love from a parent. You are really blessed. Grandparent's participation in a child's life is one of the greatest memories they will ever have. If she seems to go over the top talk to her as a mohter, she will understand. After all she is a mother too. And don't interfer with her and your husband's relationship. He is probably a good guy; he probably is because of her. You and your family are blessed.

Don't return gifts either, just let them know if you feel something is inappropriate or not age appropriate and maybe go and exchange it or save it until your child is old enough for it. If you love your husband, then respect his Mother, her hearts in the right place. It is not a competition, Your family can still give. Only the adults know the difference in things kids only know from us. their is no better gift.

When she says "my baby" she knows she's not her baby, she's her Grandbaby. Allow her to "Granny spoil" them, they will be all the better for it. As long as she doesn't undermine your athority, then, you should do or say something. Talk to your husband now if it still bothers you. The two of you can decide if you need to talk to Mom and if so, he can talk to her. No need causing a strained relationship.

You and everyone else knows that you are the child's mother. She doesn't have to be put in her place. Your husband relationship is not a treat to yours. If someone has a problem with their husband being close with their mother, they are the one with the problem. Don't follow the advice of anyone who is bitter toward their MIL. As for me, I backed off and they came to me with better understanding of my position. If they had talked first no one would of had hurt feelings.

Blessings to you and yours,

Hi K.:
I read your request over a couple times,and i must admit, my first thought was that your mother inlaw was To involved as far as your children were concerned,However,You mentioned more than once in your request,about how fortunate you were to have her in your lives.I tend to agree with you.You see, I've seen first hand,the hurt it creates,when Grandparents take no interest at all in the children.Then i've seen Grandparents who are very involved in their Grandchildren. Many young couples,enjoy the benifits of doting Grandparents.Those that live close,so they can spend quality time with the kids.The ones that don't make plans for the weekend so they can take the kids,and mom and dad can get away.Playing Taxi when they need to get to a friends house, standing in for mom and dad at their soccer game, or holding their hand in the emergency room, because mom can't handle the blood, or the tears.They come in handy, when your broke,and your child needs school clothes,or A birthday fast approaches,and you can't flip for a birthday party.I guess ,what i'm trying to say is When it benifits many of us,to have Grandparents around,we adore them.When they have in some way made us feel the least bit inadequit,they get in our way.I don't think you really mind Grandmas close ties with your daughters,as much as you feel a little hurt,that your daughter didn't think of coming to you first when she was crying.Grandma jumped right in and took care of the situation, before you even knew what was happening.Its not that you aren't a wonderful mother,or that your daughter is choosing her comfort in place of yours.Its as simple as she heard her cry over the phone,and felt the need to comfort her.K., there is (plenty of love to go around.) As long as she is not underminding you,as long as her relationship with your children is a healthy one,You need to learn not to take it as if their Grandmother were trying to replace you.You will always be number one in their eyes.Your their mother.In the not to distant future,when your oldest is a teen,and she has moments when she feels she isn't able to speak openly to anyone,feel elated and comforted,that she will have a Grandmother who adores her,and will be there for her.After all,what we really want,is for our children to be happy,and have a strong shoulder to lean on when they need it..It doesn't have to be ours,for them to make it through the rough times.I wish you and your daughters the very best. J.

Grandparents always treat their grandkids like angels. I felt you are a little envy of the way your kids response to their grandma. Don't think this way, it will just hurt the relation between you and your MIL and this situation always makes your husband feel sad and don't know how to handle cause his loves both ladies. Nearly all kids have more than what they need nowadays. Talk to your daughter
more often and teach her sense of appreciation and don't take things for granted.

Chinese said "try to control the chick and not the eagle"
Relax, we had also been spoiled by our grandparents when we were young and now grown up to be fine parents.

There's nothing wrong with you. It would bother me, too. Hormones just might make you closer to not being able to tolerate it. It's great that she's doting, but to the point where she's interfering with your parenting and your parents' grandparenting isn't right. She might not know she's crossing a boundary, though. I think you and your husband should establish boundaries now. Next time, your hubby should text her back and say that you guys are handling it. If she calls, have him reiterate it. If they're close, then she should respect that.

Lucky girl to have family so close. I wish my Dad was still alive as I alwasy could depend on him. My mother has dementia and can't even take care of herself. My family lives in Texas and I live in California. You have alot of blessings.

Count your blessings. Your children have involved loving grandparents. Things could be so much worse.
Relax and enjoy the benefits of having them so close.
Look at the situation this way. Your husband has a close relationship with his mother. Because he was raised in a close loving family, he will raise his children the same way, and will have a close loving relationship with the girls throughout their lives. A very important thing for girls to have so that they can build healthy relationships in their lives.
As far as the phone. You are on the right path. That is the way she is, she calls a lot. You cant change her, so dont rock the boat trying. - My mother and father in law were the same way. Call the house several times a day. Stop by my husbands place of business on a daily basis to see how business was going. (We were small business owners)
Before we had children and had the ability to sleep in on weekends, the would call at 8am. Never leave a message. Just keep calling until we would eventually pickup. I know! It was annoying. And when we would talk to them about it, they would laugh and denie calling that early. Then, one Tuesday morning, at 8am, we got a knock on the door. It was a police officer. They had been killed in a car accident. The Saturday morning phone calls stopped. What I would give for another Saturday morning phone call, and for my 3 kids to know what great grandparents they had.
I know, I layed it on pretty thick here. So, Just count your Blessings. Things could be worse. Take Care. Heidi

K.,

I can say I feel your pain...in a way. We, me and my 2 year old son, live with my parents and have since, he was 2 months old and due to some sad situations I couldn't go back to work right away. It was a blessing to have my Mom there when I needed a break, and the extra pair of hands helped when I was sick. But, as my son got older he got very connected with my Mom and I noticed that my Mom would say things very similar to your MIL. It killed me that my son might get closer to Grandma than me!!!

So, when he was a year old and I had to go back to work, I sat down with my Mom and expressed my feeling and we had the BEST talk we've ever had in my entire adult life.

I don't think you're being hormonal at all! You have been blessed to have them be so willing to be a part of your little girls' lives, but there are such a thing as limits. When I approached my Mom, I asked her to sit down and have a Mommy's talk with me. She appreciated that I made it about us both being Mommmy's and not me trying to tell her what she was doing wrong. I told her that I loved how much she loved my son, and how much I appreciated ALL her help and so on, and I layed out my concerns and fears. The funny part was she told me she went through the same thing with her Aunt who watched me when I was little, and that was the reason she became a stay at home Mom. LOL. But, we agreed that since, I HAD to go back to work she would emphasize that she is Grandma and I am Mommy, and if we're home together with my son, she always defers to me on things with my son. If it's just them home during the day, I tell him that it's special Grandma time and to have fun.

They are so close, and I know they share a special bond and that is more than I could ask for...

Suggestions:

-Make some Mommy and daughter time with your older one...plan a picnic or tea party that revolves just round her.
-Talk to your husband and make sure he is on the same page before you talk to MIL, as you don't want to creat family discord
-We created a family dinner night, where everyone gets together on Sundays and spends time with my son and gets to have fun time bonding and playing.
-Try to plan family weekend stuff...like museums or public events...my son loves the beach.

good luck!

Hope it works out, and I would make sure to do it sooner rather than later...

Hi K.- I have to say I know exactly where you are coming from. I struggle with the same feelings. For my in-laws it is their first grandchild so they are as involved as they can be and my MIL watches her 2 or 3 days a week (my own mom does the other days). In the beginning I found it annoying that my MIL would want to "provide" for my child in any way possible, eg: going a big family reunion camping vacation, lo and behold Grandma has packed extra blankets and clothes and stuff for the baby. This at first made me feel as if I was not seen as capable of knowing what to pack for my child or bringing enough for her. I had to realize it's not about me, it is about her- she is just a "provider" personality (she is also a nurse) and crazy-thrilled to finally have a grandchild. So that kind of thinking has helped me not to internalize or take personally the behaviors that kind of cross the line.
Last week I went back to work for the school year and after a glorious summer off with my daughter (15 mos) she had to adjust back to the childcare routine of staying at Grandmas. Well that first week she "punished" me everytime I picked her up by crying and clinging to Grandma and acting as if I was tearing her away from her favorite place (either grandma). My MIL kinda played into it b/c while she felt bad for how it must have made me feel, I think it really felt good for her to be "preferred"(for the moment) by her granddaughter. So I know how you feel about the "my baby" comment and her saying she wants to go to Nanna and Poppas... Anyways, after a week things settled and my daughter comes home with me happily. So I guess we gotta let the MIL's enjoy those moments while they can, b/c most of the time they wanna be with us, right? :)
What helps me is telling all the stories about them going overboard to my mom, so my hubby doesn't have to hear any negative stuff coming from me. My 2 older sisters sometimes appreciate the stories too, although one their husbands is estranged from his entire family, and the other husband was very tragically orphaned at a young age, so of course they are jealous of my situation with loving and caring in-laws. Which also helps put it in perspective.
Good luck, I think sometimes we just have to get our frustrations out, and need to make sure we do that with an understanding third party so as not to make issues in the family. That's my only advice, get it out of your system, then move on :)

If I get the gist of what you are saying, you feel as though your MIL is too intrusive. Is that right? If so, I am in a similar situation, but with my mother. My sister, a psychologist, suggested that I ask my mother to help in another way, in other words guide my mother in helping me. If you can think of a way MIL can help, feel needed by her family, and feel connected to her grandchildren without putting you in a position where you feel as though you are being dominated, replaced, usurped, etc., both you and MIL might feel better.

Good luck,
Lynne E

There is nothing worse than meddling inlaws...my father in law is constantly making "jokes" about how "obese" my average size 10 mo old is and how it's so great we had the baby because now he can drop dead...n/c.

anyway, until you and your husband are on the same page it will be hard and although you say it's just what she does, that's no excuse for her and you need to put the kabash(sp?) on her spoiling your babies and undermining your parenting...sorry to be so harsh but you are lucky to have them and they are lucky to have you but you need parameters girl! you have a great attitude...i have often unleashed my comments onto my father in law.
hope this helps...you are not alone!

that would bother me too. Maybe you should just talk to your MIL and tell her how you feel. But make sure to tell her how much you appreciate her. If she calls in the middle of the night like that say no, you can take care of it and thank her for her concern. I would talk to her about all the stuff she buys her also, because it might get out of hand and you don't want your daughter to think she can have everything she wants, all the time. I would definitely talk to her soon or maybe even have your husband talk to her about it if they are that close then i'm sure she would understand.

Wow, you sound like a very loving person. I don't know if you can change your attitude~you already have such a great one. I have such mixed feelings about your mil. I agree that you are indeed blessed. Does your husband also feel the same way about his parents buying your daughter so much? Would he be willing to have a gentle talk with her about backing off on the buying? You know, you both appreciate how much she loves her and takes care of her, and treasure the relationship she is building with her, however....if she takes her g'daughter shopping often, and is always buying her something, she will become very spoiled, and soon will also expect mommy and daddy to buy her something every time you shop with her as well. It does set up a problem situation. Ask her to please limit her buying g'daughter "gifts" while shopping to just once or twice a month, perhaps one very small (like a special barette) and one a bit larger (small toy under $20 or whatever you feel appropriate), or whatever shopping/buying parameters you and hubby agree upon.

If she calls again when something is "going on", whether it be a temper tantrum, nightmare, etc., have hubby tell her very kindly that he knows it's tough for her to hear, but you two are handling it. A few times of that and she'll probably get the message, I'd think!!

As far as your attitude, do you think making a few small changes, putting some limits on her, will help that? If not, or you two can't make the changes, when you feel annoyed, immediately remind yourself of all her wonderful qualities, and talk about them aloud. You know...."Tom, your mom is such a great babysitter, and she's so good with our daughter. We are so lucky." Stuff like that feels stupid, but it's a proven thought changer!!! Good luck and God bless! I hope your MIL knows how lucky SHE is to have you as her DIL, especially after reading some of those posts! Whew!!

P.S. It's pretty easy to ignore a text----there is that route, as well.

I've got to say, that would really drive me nuts. When she says "My baby is crying", that should tell you something -- she's forgetting that she (your daughter) is actually YOUR baby, and when she called and asked to be put on speakerphone, your husband should have politely told her "Thanks, but we're handling it Mom". Yes, it's nice to have caring grandparents, but it's not her place to be your kid's mommy, that's not her role in the family, and she really needs to back off and remember she's the grandma. Her behavior, however well-intentioned, is inappropriate, and if I were you I'd do something about it now before it gets more overbearing and irritating as the kids get older. Nip it in the bud, if you know what I mean. Mothers-in-law can really cause a lot of trouble in a marriage and you need to make clear what the boundaries are and what you are (and are not) comfortable with.

You really are fortunate to have you mil close by. The fact that you get along good with her too is a plus. Enjoy the attention she pays to your little one. There are so many that pay very little or no attention to their grandchildren.

As far as your husband talking every day to his mother. This is not unusual and i wish i could talk to mine more. Since she is not interfering, then i'm sure she just likes to catch up etc and i'm sure her calling to help settle her down was just a sign of love and trying to help.

It sounds like you may be feeling a little jelouse or as you say hormonal, and this is normal too.

Just count your blessings that you have a good mother in law and grandma. When the nest is empty and we have more time on our hands, this just makes us feel better.

Wow. I wish that was my problem! I have no one to help me with my one child. While you have such a new one, I would b thankful to have family who take the time out and splurge on your daughter and helps/allows u to manuever a little better. That's ur child at the end of the day and ur daughter knows that. Let the grandparents be grandparents. Its better too to have a man that has such a close relationship with his mom, imagine if it was the opposite? My ex would talk to his mom about 3 times a day - both calling each other. I used to be like "damn, that's ur mom again"....and he used to tell her EVERYTHING. But then I thought, that must b a tight family, and there is something to say for that in this day and age.

U might be a bit hormonal. Your a new mom....Relax - no one can take ur place!

Hi K.,
I totally understand where youre coming from...This is a pretty touchy sit. but if right now youve got some uncomfortable feeling about having your mil so involved with you daughter, chances are they could escalate down the line.
Youve got to express what youre seeing and feeling to your hubby. When your mil refers to your daughter as "my baby" in my opinion, theres some boundaries that either are being crossed or are about to be crossed. How is it that she heard your daughter at all? Anyways, your feelings of being bugged about this are right on, as moms it feels pretty hurtful when someone else tries to take away any motherly responsibilities on themselves instead of trying to help you to deal with anything that might happen to your family, in your house, etc. I would say as long as you feel that shes allowing you to be mom and supporting you then all you have to do is let her know when something makes you feel uncomfortable. She probobly does things thinking shes helping you because you have a newborn, but sometimes it can be controlling and make you feel left out or also your parents left out. They should go aheahd and purchase things for their grand-daughter, they shouldnt be deprived of seeing joy from something they gave her, they both need those experiences. But also gifts arent everything, maybe they could spend some time with her alone, to the park or something.You are very blessed to have what you do, youre right about that, but please let your feelings be known to your hubby and maybe together you can let your mil know how you want things to be for your kids...that it makes you uncomfortable when shes refering to your daughter as hers, or when shes always buying her gifts. You can come to a comprimise by laying down some rules for buying, whatever makes you feel more comfortable. Its empowering as a parent when you feel like youre more in control of your children then inlaws or moms or friends, because you get to make choises and decisions about their well-being and dicipline. I wish you luck and hope everything turns out ok.
VR

You hubby and MIL need to cut the apron strings. He needs to just not answer when she calles multiple times a day. When she does not get an answer every time, she may be less likely to call so much. With regard to her planning your daughter's next day, tell her you already had plans for her and that next time, you need her to go through you first, before saying anything to your daughter. Your husband should have never put your daughter on the phone with your MIL. It's up to the two of you to comfort her, and is none of your MIL's business. Your husband needs to change his ways. I do not see you doing anything wrong. Good luck!

I feel ya! My inlaws live in my house and their room is across the hall from my 16mo old son. Trust me it could be worse! You are letting your hormones get ahead of you but it sounds to me like you have a pretty level headed approach to things. My MIL buys my son lots of stuff too and I really don't like it either. I always remind myself that every kid deserves to think their grandparents are great because they don't live forever. Also when i was little my grandmother let me eat whatever I wanted. Everytime I went to her house she would let me eat brown sugar out of the box. I would eat A LOT of brown sugar. It was a horrible idea and my mother would have been furious to know I was eating that on a regular basis but I am a normal adult who really loves my mother. It didn't turn me into a diabetic or make me fat. It really didn't have much impact on me as an adult at all. Just think.. will your MIL's goofy behavior make any difference to the adult your child will become or will your girls turn out just fine anyway. good luck to you and don't beat yourself up if she drives you crazy...hang in

You are so fortunate to have any family close by. My closest family is 3000 miles away ( except my niece in Manhattan Beach who is 30, very social and works day and night)For me it's always been dh and I> We're not big on babysitters and would rather hand out with dd anyways! That would be the first thing to be grateful for. Also this might sound strange, but my first thought was that if my daughter has children I'd hope to be a part of their lives including her mate and kids.You ask how to change YOUR attitude. That's very brave and humble of you. It sounds like you have a great idea. How about just making that grateful list to start. Sometime I need to let go of what bothers me about others because it's usually something unresolved about myself. Good Luck. When your attitude changes other people will automatically change theirs.

How do you change your attitude about anything in life? You just do it. You are an adult woman with two children. Only immature people who secretly wish to hang on to resentments and bad attitudes have trouble doing this - because they really don't want to. They would rather stew and complain about the situation for whatever reason. That is not the case with you. Take control of your mind and emotions and resolve to catch yourself whenever your thoughts turn to negative MIL thinking, then change your thought pattern.

HOWEVER!!! You must have boundaries, and your husband has to be on board when it comes to enforcing those boundaries. They are his parents. How did your MIL hear your daughter crying? Do you really live that close? Or was she on the phone with you guys at the time? That part of your post concerned me, and that's what I mean about boundaries. Your husband should have texted back that all was under control and he would call in the morning. The whole speaker-phone thing was your husband's fault. He should have said no to that request, and told her that he couldn't talk because you were both caring for your daughter. That would not have been disrespectful. Boundaries. If you allow someone to cross family boundaries you have no one to be upset with but yourselves. Your husband must guard the family boundaries in a kind but firm way.

It is fantastic that your daughter is so close to her grandma. That will only serve you well, especially in the long run. I am a grandma myself. My granddaughter is "my baby". I can totally relate to that sentiment. We do tend to spoil. But some grandmas will take it as far as they are allowed to, which is why you and your husband have to set the boundaries. You need to speak to your husband about it. You now have a perfect example fresh in his memory. Grandma is grandma, but unless the nightmare happened at her house, it was not her domain. She should not have called, but since she did, your husband should have reassured her that all was well and that you two were handling the situation, and goodbye.

You've heard the phrase "It takes a village to raise a child." Well, not so much in this day and age. But the fact remains that children raised in a loving extended family, with involvement from aunts or uncles, or grandparents, etc, are better off in the long run. The more close bonds the better. As long as those boundaries are in place, and are diligently protected, your child could be in no better situation. :0)

You don't sound at all like you need a change in attitude. You sound loving and understanding, and know what is best for your child. Your MIL shopping seems over the top and may be a little card with words along the lines of how much you appreciate all that she does and that, at this time, you would prefer the same amount of love minus the shopping, as your little girl is showing signs of wanting too many things for someone so little? Also that you are afraid that your parents will take a second place in your daughter's life if ongoing gifts are a part of the relationship? Anyway, you get the idea. If I were you, I would concentrate on your newborn and for now let MIL do all the attention-thing for your daughter. Without it, you would probably have a toddler having a fit over a newborn taking over Mommy's life!! Ali

I don't think you're being hormonal. Actually you are much more lax than I would be. This is YOUR daughter. You need to be the one who calms her. If you don't then your daughter will come to depend and rely on Nana more than you. If you're fine with that great, but I know I wouldn't be. MIL helping is one thing, but you need to set boundaries. If your MIL is babysitting at there house then yes, they are in charge and have their rules, but your home is yours and you and your husband should be the ones in charge. Next time they call because the baby is crying I'd suggest handling it yourself. There's nothing wrong with grandparent love, we have none within less than a 10 hr drive, I wish they were closer, but if any of them tried to step over me to take care of my kids I'd be beyond mad. I don't think you need to change your attitude, I think you need to talk to you husband and MIL.

Don't worry about your MIL buying her whatever she wants, and your parents being hesitant about buying stuff. My kids rarely get things from grandma/grandpa, because of financial reasons, and the other because they live a ways away. Your daughter is very blessed to get things from your MIL. About the texting thing, yes, that's very bothersome. See if your husband can just ignore when she texts about your crying baby, or when you're on the phone with MIL and your baby cries, go to another room so she can't here it. It won't hurt the baby to cry some, then make an excuse to get off the phone so you can tend to baby. Other than that, just try to let things roll off your back. It's hard at first, but you'll get used to it (letting it roll off your back). It's nice to have such an involved MIL, but it can get smothering.

I think you need to set some boundaries with your MIL. You need to take responsibility for parenting your children and not depend on your in-laws to do so. You say that you live five minutes away and that that is a distance perfect for babysitting. You can't allow your in-laws to babysit and then criticize their behavior (example, buying your kids so much). You need to teach your children that they cannot have what they want all the time. You need to sit down first with your husband and let him know that your MIL does not need to call him or send text messages to him after supper, so that you can have family time/couple time/bedtime routine. This is very important. Then he can talk with her 1:1 and let her know that with two small children in the house, it is not convenient for him to receive calls after a certain time. I would sit down with your husband and let him know that your MIL's behavior is making you uncomfortable and maybe set down some ground rules for their contact with your older daughter. You need to break away from your in-laws somewhat and focus on your family. (Yourself, your husband and the two children.) Are your children the only grandchildren that your MIL has? Maybe that is why she spoils them so much. Or maybe she sees herself as helping you out. Talk with both your parents and your MIL at separate times. Let them know that you want to raise your children to focus on interaction with others, not monetary or possessions. This might help also. Good luck in your situation.

<Laughing> My Mum does that! She seriously introduced herself to one of my son's classmate's parents as "his mum"! What I did at the time was laugh (I had to make myself), put my arm around her and say, "Nope, your his Nana, and MY mum!" and give her a kiss. A gentle rebuke, but a rebuke nonetheless.

I will not only defer to what many of the previous posters have said about buying things, I'm going to use it!

What I would say though, is that since you have a good relationship with your MIL, is to talk with her YOURSELF. That way nothing gets garbled or misspoken by your DH, and there is no awkwardness between your MIL and yourself after he's talked with her.

I'll also tell you what I do to combat the jealousy (yep, hiding out of sight with claws and bells on). Whenever I feel a spate of it coming on (esp. when my son wants my mum over me), I tell him "You know kiddo, its so wonderful that you has so many people who love you, and who you love! Mommy, Daddy, Nana, etc.,"...and then if it's appropriate I let him have her. It boosts his self esteem, and reminds me. There are times I don't let him/her talk (if she's crossing boundaries), but most of the time he gets to have his Nana AND his Mum happy about it. How lucky. And BOY do I have to work on it.

I feel safe working on it for all the reasons you're asking for advice. BUT I also have my boundaries set really clearly in my mind & my heart. My son needs to know he can cry in my arms & I'll always be there for him(ummm...what your story about the txt/phone call reminded me about). If Nana is a wonderdrug that takes all sadness away, that lessons OUR relationship, and he never learns how to work through emotions if Nana always distracts him into happiness. There's maybe a million of these little divisions. It's a fine line to walk and a hard one...because, like you, I want my son & my mum to have the benefit of a close relationship with his Nana...but I ALSO want our relationship to be healthy, & fun, sustaining.

My best, and good luck to you!

~Z.

You have a problem, your MIL is a doting grandma and a huge help to you, on the other hand, she is out of line and is taking on the role of mom and not grandma a little too much. You don't want to alienate her, yet, this will escalate on her part and it will not be good for you or your daughter in the future (or now).
"A man shall leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife."(this is what works in a relationship wil IL's) Your MIL is interferring and a little too close and invasive with your husband. If he is ok with that, than ok, however, your husband (and you)NEEDS TO MAKE THE BOUNDARIES CLEAR TO HIS MOTHER THAT YOU ARE THE MOM AND you WILL HANDLE YOUR DAUGHTER WHEN SHE IS AT YOUR HOUSE AND THERE MUST BE RULES AND BOUNDARIES WITH HOW YOUR MIL HANDLES YOUR DAUGHTER WHEN SHE IS AT HER HOUSE. This is a small problem now, but you are setting yourself up for major grief as your children age. Set the boundaries now, and your IL's must abide with your discipline rules and how many clothes to buy, etc..........Now is better than later.
Good luck.

I too have been battling my IL's so I hope I can help. Do you know what is really bothering you: the MIL whose nose is always in your business or more that your husband allows his mother to be in your business without any consideration of you? Clearly explain to your husband what is bothering you and what YOU need from him, and then together make a game plan. He may not agree with you but he needs to support you!

It sounds like grandma needs to be reigned in! Best of luck!!!

Set some boundaries with your MIL, or it will never stop. It will only get worse. Decide what you are comfortable with and then in a kind way let her know what those boundaries are. Then, enforce them! If you make rules and don't enforce them, she'll continue to "see" what she can get away with. Hope all turns out well!

I think you just have to be clear and communicate some of the things you want and don't want when raising your kids. I was really worried my in-laws would go overboard with my first son, but I told them not to and have always been very clear about things with them. We've even given back gifts we didn't feel were appropriate. You're the parent. The first responsibility is to your child, not your in-laws feelings...

-M

I am not sure what you are complaining about. Is it that you think your daughter loves grandma more? Or is it jealousy? I have mixed feelings. I think the situation would bug me. But, how much is she babysitting? That may be the problem.

Your MIL needs to buy for all kids not just one. Grandparents love there grand children. But sometimes they can get carried a way. I would'nt let them buy everything she wants. Because when she gets older she will exspect this from her husband and the way things are now days. A lot of people don't have money to buy them everything. Has she ever asked you to buy her something and you tell her no and she says well grandma will buy it for me. That will happen also. All the children should be treated equal. I did'nt have much when I was a kid because my parents had seven of us but one passed away six days after birth. But when kids don't get everything they want. They appreciate it better. Because when they get everything they want. They have so much stuff. They don't know what to play with or what to wear because they have so much. And then the kids will exspect you to get everything they want also. But that's just my appinion. I am glad when I was a kid that I did'nt get everything I wanted because I appreciated more then some kids I see now days that get everything they want they don't appreciate it. Half the stuff they don't wear or it's on the floor getting walked on or has so much stuff that they don't know where to put it. And they lose stuff, because they have so much stuff. But I think kids appreciate things better when they don't get anything they want. I know your inlaws mean well but it's not good. Some inlaws do that, and it's like having a contest with the other inlaws like who can get the most. I hope you don't think I'm hard but, that's my oppinion.

The time you and your husband spend with your daughter's and your parents is what she will remember most and not what you buy her. Give them more time! They will love you more for it, just go to the park or beach or library or for walks!