Socially Withdrawn 11.9 Year Old - Sudden Change

the first red flag for me is referring to her age as 11.9.
she's not a baby. she's almost a teenager. please don't infantilize her.
it does sound as if something's going on, and like you, i'd be concerned. but rather than forcing anything or taking her to the doctor, i'd practice really really good listening skills. don't interrogate her or hound her, let her be quiet and solitary if she needs that right now, but be available for relaxed, cheerful conversation if she's open to it. not every conversation needs to be deep and probing, but if the atmosphere is right, maybe share some of the struggles you had at her age. they may not be the same struggles, but it may allow her to exhale, and share her worries with you. if nothing else, you can create a safe, warm atmosphere where she can open up if she wants to.
don't hover. and don't try to fix everything.
it may be depression, or some unpleasant event that she's mulling over. if so, it will become apparent. for now, watch and listen, and don't smother.
khairete
S.

Some kids just don't tell their parents things. I remember keeping things from my mom bc to me they were embarrassing. (Everything is embarrassing when you are 12). It sounds to me like her friends were mean to her and at the moment she does not consider them good friends anymore. Do not contact her friend's parents. Get her involved in a couple interesting things away from her friends. Go take a weekend vacation somewhere you can drive to. Take an art class (something amazing like metalsmithing) with her where you make something. Sign up for some volunteer work. Go see some sights. Get her out for some exercise...a hike, a bike ride? Sign her up for some age appropriate activities. Get her out doing something. Talk to her about life and try to get her to open up to you.

I would not think it's depression.
I lost several friends around that age because they were sneaking off to have sex and I wasn't interested in that till I was in college.
I was boring and a virgin, so I wasn't part of the 'in' crowd anymore.
There would be sleep overs at a friends house where a tent was pitched in the side yard and the teens were left to have fun while the parents were inside not interfering.
Then around midnight some older guys would drive by and a girl or two would go off with the guys for several hours and come back by 2 or 3 in the morning.
The parents either never caught on or they didn't care.
After a few over nights like that, where I didn't participate in make out sessions, I was invited to fewer and fewer parties.
Which was fine by me.
Sometimes hanging out with friends just becomes inane and stupid and you just want a break from the idiotic drama.
Took me awhile but I found a new peer group and we got along just great.
So - let it go.
Sometimes friendships run their course and then they are done.
But try to get her involved in some new activities so she can meet other people and make new friends.
Maybe you and she can take a craft class together.
My Mom and I took a sailing class and it was wonderful.

Sorry but you dont KNOW these girls are not experimenting with drugs, sex or alcohol or chatting without parent supervision. Make sure when you discuss things with your daughter you dont have the attitude that you KNOW which classmates are good influences on her. Why should she tell you if she thinks you wont believe her, because you know these girls' parents?

You've mentioned a lot of solutions, but you don't mention actually talking to her. Have you even asked her? Maybe her friends are getting into things that don't interest her - from boys to drugs. She's trying to figure out who she is, and if her friends are going in directions that make her uncomfortable, it'll take her a little time to figure out where she fits. While it could be depression, I think you start small before jumping to that level. Hormones make kids moody - if you're teaching adolescents, you would know that.

Just throwing it out there that you don't actually know if these kids are experimenting with sex, drugs, or alcohol. You aren't there and their parents aren't monitoring them 24/7. Kids are sneaky. It doesn't matter how good of a family you have or how many activities your children are in. They will always have the opportunity to experiment so please don't write off sex, drugs or alcohol so quickly.

Forgive me if I sound blunt, but, have you tried talking to/asking your daughter what is going on?

From your post, it sounds as if something may have occurred at the sleepover that upset her in some way. Did the behavior start after the sleep over, or just become more exacerbated?
Who knows what could be going on? I often hear about how catty and mean girls can be to each other at this age (my daughter just turned 12 also, and is going into 7th grade). Maybe her friend was mean to her. Or maybe something else happened. Maybe her friend teased her into doing something she didn't want to. Maybe drugs. Maybe something mean to someone else. Maybe posting some sort of images online in some way. Maybe something even happened that was even worse. Or maybe her friend is changing her own behavior and your daughter doesn't like the "new" version. Maybe all her friends are doing that.

You have to talk to your daughter to get to the bottom of it. Just inviting her friends over isn't going to be the solution.

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Would you share what the incident was? It might be more related than you realize. My daughter suddenly started crying at night bc she didn't want to go to her pull-out program GT class in 3rd grade. Of course, I discussed it with her teacher and tried to figure out what it was: missing classmates from her "home" school, being teased about being pulled out, issues making friends, (she was new to the school and program), everything you can imagine! Turns out it was something an aid said to her in the drop-off car line at that school, and had ZERO to do with the actual class. You never know... Don't be too quick to discount whatever the incident was at the sleep over.

For now, just keep an eye on it. The tween years bring a lot of change for girls. It's possible that she is not on the same level as her friends anymore, not that the friends are doing anything wrong, but a young girl changes a lot over the next few years and what they once had in common with their friends can suddenly change.

Don't be surprised if this coming school year her and her friends start to find new friends, letting old friendships go. Also, very normal.

You mentioned one small issue at the sleep over, you said it wasn't a big deal, but maybe for your DD it was, maybe for her it didn't sit/feel right. Do you get what I'm saying? As adults we sometimes think something really isn't an issue but to the child it is. Maybe for her she is reevaluating her friendships, and what it is she wants from her friends, and maybe she is just going to be more of a loner/homebody, nothing wrong with that.

On to my next bit of advice, and it's a hard one as a mom......stay out of it. Stay out of her friendships unless you feel they are a danger to her.

At first blush I'm going with hormones. It is a strange thing when young girls go through this. I was talking with a friend who said her daughter would just burst into tears, etc for no reason at random times and it scared her and her daughter, but after they talked about it, all is good (well, better).

I'd ask her. :) If she says "nothing" explain to her why you are asking and don't insinuate something is wrong - like being quiet and reserved is a bad thing, but just that you've noticed a change (list changes) and if there is anything that triggered, etc.

good luck.

You've gotten a lot of good things to think about in many posts. I have a daughter this same age (a bit older -- nearly 12.6 if you want to put it that way) and she also is going into seventh grade in the fall. So I know lots of girls this age and know some pretty well, besides my own kid.

I would add to the other advice:

Do you have her doing any kind of organized class, camp, one-time workshop, sport -- anything like that this summer? You don't mention it. I am a fan of one-on-one time with kids who are already her friends but it sounds as if she could really use something like a focused, organized, directed activity for some of the summer. She would meet new kids who are not already known to her; she would be engaged in an activity (physical like sport or camp, or mental like an age-appropriate kids' class in art, drama, computer graphics, whatever interests her). That would help her get outside her own head and her own emotions; it's hard to stay down and silent if you are doing an activity you like. It is not too late to hunt down some kind of activity -- and be sure to get her to help choose so she WANTS to go. You might have to prompt her a bit but please try. Do not, not, not tell her "this is because you don't want to go anywhere or see your friends"! That will sour her on doing anything. But DO see that she goes every day or every class, and don't let her bail out with "It's too hot, it's not what I expected" etc. -- tell her it's just for the week or just X classes long, not forever. And during the school year, is she in Girl Scouts (not in a troop of all classmates/friends) or sports (not with classmates) or a church youth group or any organization/class where she has friends who have nothing to do with her school or neighborhood friends? It's good for kids to have an outlet where they make other friends who are not part of the school or neighborhood groups.

Definitely do not throw some party for her. Having a bunch of kids over, even kids who were or are her friends, could be overwhelming for her. And it smacks of trying too hard. Unless she, herself, wants to have a party or sleepover, do not push this kind of group interaction right now.

Someone suggested going away with her for a while. I agree with that too (working it in among some kind of activity with others so she doesn't commit to a class or camp then get to bail for vacation with mom). Getting her out of her own house and away from anyone she could run into could help her open up.

One last thing. Is she changing schools for seventh grade? Around here, that is the start of middle school or "junior high" (sixth is still elementary school here) and it means the kid is going to a new school, seeing some old friends go off to different middle schools, worrying about who the new kids at the new school will be, etc. If she has to change schools this fall, she might be very worried -- and not telling you she's worried -- about losing friends, finding new friends, finding her way around school, doing well in class, etc. If school is important to her, that may be a factor here.

It does sound unusual for her to be this withdrawn if she's usually social and the change is sudden. If her past summers tended to be "chill" and she usually does stick around and hang out at home -- then this is a version of that. If in past summers she constantly wanted to see friends, then yes, this is a change and it does merit watching as school begins.

There are multiple things that could be going on. Her friends might be doing things that she knows she shouldn't be doing, they are just growing apart, they could be cliquing up, etc..
When I was in 7th grade a girl in my group of friends tried to turn us all against one girl in our group because she thought that she was "gay" && didn't want us talking to her. Of course that was so wrong so we all just separated ourselves from that one trouble maker.
But that age is a hard age. I wouldn't plan anything with her friends if she says she doesn't want to. That will just upset her && make her push you away. I would just keep trying to talk to her. Maybe hang out with her a little yourself && see if she opens up.

As some said below, I think it's best to keep an open dialogue with your daughter, before assuming depression. You will see a lot of changes in the next few years, and this might be the beginning of them. One friend's daughter went though a lot of withdrawal/depressive-type behavior and social angst during her teens, but at 20 has turned the corner and is really finding herself and becoming a very cool person. They do grow out of a lot of it.

I have to say, for my friend's child, the thing that helped her most and grounded her and got her through it all was having a sport she was passionate about. Get your daughter in a sport she loves.

Don't ignore your gut. Why not do all the above? Be a little concerned. Force things a bit. Call the friends' parent and just chat about your concern. Create some summer rules. She can sit around and rest for a few days, but not the whole summer. Tell her you would like her to volunteer, sign up for a class or something. If you do not see a change for the better....... consider some counseling. It may be hormonal, but depression still should be dealt with. She may just be bored.

First off, is this your only child??? Must be, as no one refers to kids ages in months after about 2 years old. So, she's 12...I'd drop the 11.9, it looks like your over analyzing.

Yes, she sounds lonely and depressed.

I think you need to delve deeper Mama. That one incident at the sleepover, is just the tip of the iceberg. Something else happened in and during that event. She either suddenly realized these girls aren't her true friends, or something else emotionally upsetting happened. You've got to dig to find it with someone wired like her. You can't ever take her first answer as the only, correct answer. Help her find the words and work through what she is struggling with.

And a kid this age, should be active in at least one sport or one musical endeavor. Period. That's our house rule. No exceptions. Be involved. Be engaged. Find something now while you are young to be passionate about. And staying in bed is not one of them. How about learning to cook? Sew? Swim? Babysit? Pet Sit? She needs to get out and experience the world. Now.

It does not seem normal for a girl that age to want to sit in her bed all day, especially if this is new behavior.

You need to sit down with her and say something like "I know you say you don't feel like calling any of your friends, but why not? Why would you rather sit on your bed all day than hang out with friends? Something must be bothering you and if you won't talk to me about it, I'll make an appointment with your doctor or a counselor".

my sons are 9 years apart. We saw a phenomenon like this with both sons. As soon as school let out for the summer, they would go into a "funk"....completely withdraw from friends & activities.

With my older son, we worried about depression because he was also battling a degenerative hip disease (all thru his school years). We thought there was a connection. During our discussions, we kept hearing the same phrase: "I just don't want to be with my friends"....& he simply stayed in his room/our home. The only activities were with us.

When my younger son went thru this phase, I realized it was okay. It was a time needed to reboot, to find Peace, & to simply "chill". My younger son will be 17 next week, & he's refused quite a few nights out with friends. I've learned to sit back & watch...& applaud this need to reboot. When school starts next month, he'll be ready to jump in again!

& we're already seeing signs of it....Band Camp starts in 10 days & he's already spent time with friends in the Band Room....assisting friends & bandmates. & honestly, he pulled a hard class during Summer School, so really he's only in his 3rd full week of real vacation. Not much "down" time this summer!

Wait & see what happens with your daughter. Give her some Peace, but be sure to get her out with you. Find some new interests, paint her room...do something that's non-invasive! & don't forget those dreaded hormones will be rolling in very soon....or may be here already! I know quite a few 10yos already cycling.

If you feel in your gut that its depression I would force the issue. Try going to some therapy or family councling yourself to get some guidelines on how to address her bum attituded. Its not like her and it might be hormones but i am thinking she might not be handeling situations well. Are you members at any churches with activities and learning skills about fogiveness (she might be hurt by what some one said or did to her and not able to get over it )