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14 Year Old Girl- Friend Problems

Hello! My 14 year old daughter is having some friend problems. This is her first year in high school and she has parted way with her three very best friends. Which, isn't really a bad thing; she has told me that they were getting into things that she wasn't comfortable with; hanging out with people that were not in her best interest. She's a good student and wants to stay that way. However, she is having a hard time finding a "good group" to accept her and let her in. As she says, "all the girls all have good friends already". I have tried to work on getting her more involved in things; but again she says that everybody has their friends already. As a mom, my heart is breaking for her. Is this normal for this first year of high school? I am hoping that she will soon find a group of girls that will accept her and that she will fit in. Has anyone elses' daughter been through this "friend circle."?

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My best friend from middle school went to a different high school, so it was rough for me to get in with new friends in high school. I wound up taking it one friend at a time. I became friends with a quiet girl who wasn't really part of a circle of friends and from there we slowly ended up making more friends... but she and I are still friends to this day (well over 20 years). Who does she eat lunch with? Have her invite a friend or 2 over for a sleep over or just to go do something fun together and see where it goes from there.

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Dear C.,
So many different things change in high school and not all of them are bad. My son is 14 and a freshman this year and he's like your daughter, he doesn't hang out with kids that do things he's uncomfortable with or knows could lead to trouble. And it's paid off for him. One day last summer, he and I went on a nice walk and came back to find the police and a whole group of kids from his 8th grade class in front of our house. I was like, "What the HECK is going on?" The whole group of them, girls included, had been going around messing with people's cars and hung bras and panties on police cars then headed to my house to see if my son wanted to "hang out" with them. Thankfully we weren't home, but this is where the cops caught up with them. He's still friendly with these kids at school, he's known them since kindergarten, but he declines invitations to "hang out" with them.
Being part of that crowd can result in the police calling your parents and he wants no part of that.
One good thing about high school is that there are people of all ages to get to know. My son has made many friends with kids that came from other schools and kids in upper grades. I think part of being a freshman is just getting acclimated to how things are different than middle school in the first place. I really think your daughter will hit her stride as she becomes more accustomed to things. I would just reassure her that the great thing about life is that friends come in many forms and varying degrees, and you can never have too many of them. Just because someone has "friends already", doesn't mean there is no room for one more. Some girls can be very clique-ish, but they aren't all that way. And there is nothing at all wrong with having boys who are friends. I wouldn't try to push her about it but be sure to talk to her about who she has in her classes, who she sits by, things like that.
My parents moved me away from all my friends the summer before my freshman year in high school. We moved to a completely unfamiliar place and I didn't know a single person. I was gangly and awkward, the "new girl" with a weird name, none of the "styles" were what I was used to. In some of my classes, we were seated alphabetically so there I was, shaking like a leaf, sitting next to the most popular seniors in high school. You know what? They were really nice to me, which almost made it worse. The first few weeks were a complete blur. I just remember thinking over and over to myself, "Whatever you do, don't get nervous and throw up".
I eventually settled in and ended up being friendly with everyone. I made some very long, lasting and enduring friendships, but even the kids I wouldn't have "hung out" with were part of my experience. Some of them I wasn't going to sneak cigarettes with and things like that, but if we had projects together in class, I accepted them and they accepted me. I didn't have my "best" high school girlfriend until my sophomore year and we were inseparable after that. We both had other friends, got boyfriends, but we really were like sisters.
Your daughter will find her way. Sometimes you just have to jump in and swim. I think she will initiate friendships and relationships as she gets a little more comfortable with high school.

I wish her the best!

I don't have children in high school, but I recently went through this myself at the age of 33. It is hard to break into an established circle of friends. Getting involved as much as possible and with different groups is the best idea. We all know how "girls" are and sometimes if you volunteer for something that gets you in a smaller group or teams you up with someone, they get to know you better. And then you can break in and make your friends.

Good luck to her...if she figures it out now, it will only make life easier later in life, especially, if she goes away to college or relocates.

My son is a freshman and is having a tough time in h.s. as well. So he was on the roller hockey team, which I thought would help expand his circle of friends and didn't. He got along with the boys, but he was the only freshman. He isn't the most confident boy so that doesn't help.

He is trying out for the golf team and I'm hoping this will help him. There is a JV as well as a varsity team so I'm sure he will find more boys his own age.

I don't think his other friends are into things we wouldn't approve of, but being a boy he doesn't share those things with us. Just seems like the boys he hung around with aren't returning calls or coming over. I don't know why. Believe me I've tried everything I can to get him to talk. But his dad is the same way as he is. He is a comedian and maybe the boys don't find his humor funny. Again I don't know. He seems to be doing better in school this 2nd semester but socially, I don't know.

I think for you and me and our children, just to keep encouraging them to join clubs at school that they find interesting. It isn't easy, but with prayer I believe they will be happy.

I don't have much to help with.. I just want you to know that my daughter is going through the same as yours. The only differences is mines been dealing with this same issue since we moved to this area 5 years ago and her one and only friend has befriended her since the beginnign of the year and she is dealing with mean girls and bulling and more. So I wish i ad answers for you But really I am going throught the same and don't have anything to help. I actually am having my daughter seen by a sychologist to help her with self confidence and other issues. But I have to say my daughter's grades haven't so far been effected thank god.

Well, just like adults, if we're not around people, we can't make new friends. I would suggest encouraging her to join a local youth group, 4-H group, maybe try a sport. The idea is to expose her to a variety of kids who want to succeed. Check out your area to see what opportunities are there. Then through trying some of those things, she may build up enough confidence at school to approach those girls she'd like to be friends with. If they are worth being friends with, they will accept her. It could be that she's a little fearful of being rejected again. Just keep encouraging and supporting her. It's a tough age for girls. I would remind her too that she's not the only one going through this. She's not alone! Sometimes girls think they're the only one going through it, and it stops them from reaching out to others. You're doing a good thing by staying involved with her, mom! I hope it all works out for her. I'm a mom of 2 girls. I know exactly how you feel. You're not alone either!

This is normal for ALL the years of high school! Girls their age rotate friends quite often so I wouldn't worry about her not having a "best friend" for very long. They may have a handful they bounce back and forth between as being closest to at different times. My soon to be 16 yr old daughter has 2 close friends that on any given day could be her BFF. You should continue to encourage her to become active in something at school that you think might help her bond with a group. Do you also participate in her school? The high school years are a very important time in your childs life and a lot of parents feel as if they have put in their time volunteering during their childrens younger years. I feel the exact opposite. What better way to get acquainted with the school, the staff and even the students than putting time in at her school now. You may even form a friendship with another parent that has a daughter too that you could introduce her too. Good luck!

This is totally normal. First I commend your daughter for steering clear of the bad influences. It takes a lot, especially at that age to lose your friends and stand up for what you believe in.
Second while a lot of people already have their set group of friends since it's almost the end of the year...that doesn't mean she can't bust her way in. :)

I moved ALOT and sometimes mid year. It was tough, but I almost had to be the big initiator when it came to making new friends. If there were a group of people I thought were my type of people...I would find something that was fun going on that weekend and invite one or two or 4 or whatever. I'd invite people to come over to my house for movie night. Sometimes it wouldn't pan out...but I didn't give up. Don't get me wrong---I didn't hound anyone but just because someone couldn't hang out one weekend didn't mean they couldn't another.

I know mid to late year a lot of the sports or clubs are already going on so it's late to join...but there are places like the YMCA or rec centers that have after school sports or things that may be starting in the spring.

It IS hard to make new friends and it is hard when you're a teenager...but it's possible to make new friends and get in with a new clique. She doesn't have to wait til her sophmore year! Good luck. I hope she meets some new people soon!

My best friend from middle school went to a different high school, so it was rough for me to get in with new friends in high school. I wound up taking it one friend at a time. I became friends with a quiet girl who wasn't really part of a circle of friends and from there we slowly ended up making more friends... but she and I are still friends to this day (well over 20 years). Who does she eat lunch with? Have her invite a friend or 2 over for a sleep over or just to go do something fun together and see where it goes from there.

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