Should Parents Choose Their Kids' Friends?

This is a tough one. You have to make her somehow realize that this girl isn't a friend. You can say don't play with her anymore, but that won't do a whole lot of good if she doesn't know why. Instill in her how a friend really should be and have her realize that this girl is opposite of that. Then maye she'll make the decision for herself. Then next year see if you can get her in a different class.

NO -you do not choose your child's friends! The friends they choose and then choose not to keep will teach them quite a bit about life. You want her to learn those lessons now at 9 with a "friend" who isn't very nice to her instead of at 17 with a "friend" who lets her take the fall for the drugs that mysteriously wind up in her purse or the shoplifting or whatnot. It's imperative to your child's future that she learn to read people and stand up for herself. You should start asking her open-ended questions that really require her to think about the situation. Example, "Why do you keep giving _______your Club Penguin passwords?" If she says she wants to have friends, this is your chance to remind her that real friends cannot be purchased and while it's great to share -a real friend doesn't take it all for herself and leave you nothing. At age 9, your daughter should be able to understand that the passwords aren't reusable. That lesson should now be learned. Let her know (as I'm sure you have) that you think this girl isn't a great friend, but give her a lot of opportunities to think about it. Guide your child, but let her come to the realization that she's being used.

Oye. What a horrible predicament! Are there some activities you can get your daughter in that will boost her confidence and get her exposed to more positive friends? Once kids learn what it feels like to have a GOOD friend they typically don't feel so dependent on the people who make them feel bad.

I don't think you should 'end' the friendship because a) you just can't no matter how hard you try and b) it will make your daughter gravitate that much closer to this girl and that much further away from you...no one wins and the friendship becomes a secret.

If she changed her behavior grade, that's on her and SHE should be consequenced because no matter what her friends do, the expectations you have for her don't change.

So IMHO I think you should consequence her, try really hard to NOT talk poorly of her friend, focus on what you expect from your daughter, and provide her with as many opportunities to participate in activities outside of school that engage her in her talents to build up confidence and expose her to better friends. Who knows, if this happens maybe your daughter will be the one to turn this other girl around?!

I just think the problem here is about your daughters low self confidence more than this bad influence and this might be a good opportunity to work on your daughters confidence before the dreaded teen years hit...when low confidence invites many many many more risky elements.

Good luck:)

Was it your daughter that told you her friend changed the behavior grade? If so, you should be proud of her. It would show she knew it was dishonest.
I don't know what to tell you to do, but I would ask my daughter why she thinks she needs a friend that leaves mean messages and risks getting her in trouble by changing a grade at school. I have no clue what
Club Penguin is, but I'm guessing if it requires a password, it requires your permission.
Now, even though your daughter didn't change the behavior grade, perhaps she can't have Club Penguin for a week and you will change the password.
My daughter had lots of friends so weeding out the bad ones wasn't that hard. And, my daughter was very good about telling me that so and so did this or tried to talk her into that and my daughter got "grounded". So, if the kid called or came over, my daughter would say she was in trouble and couldn't play. She blamed it on me. Both of my kids used the old "I'm grounded" excuse when somebody was trying to talk them into something or they didn't want to go to somebody's house.
I think you need to empower your daughter in some way.
This is the first time she's had a close friend and it's not working out all that great.
Wait til she has her first boyfriend. If he's a jerk, you want her to be able to know it's okay to walk away, don't you?
If this girl really is trouble, your daughter might miss out on good friends because of her association with a naughty meanie.
Like I said, have a discussion with your daughter and tell her that she is grounded from Club Penguin. Not as a punishment so much as it's taking a break from it.
Then, if her "friend" drops her like a hot potato because she can't get the code or prizes or whatever it is, that problem solved itself.
Your daughter's dad might have the right idea. Let things cool off until or if the behaviors change.
It would break my heart more to see my child be desperate for the friendship of someone who takes advantage or is mean as opposed to being hurt for losing their "best" friend.

That's just my opinion.

I wish you the very best.

Hi L.,

My son is now 14 but we went through this same thing when he was in 6th grade and switched into a new school district...new kids to get to know and befriend after 6 years in the same school.

So, he was desperate for friends. The best example I have is the boy who lives next door. Now while I have a nice relationship with the boy's Grandfather, the boy is a nightmare. He is dishonest, a bully, and one of those kids that make the other neighbors cringe. Being new to the neighborhood I did not know all that at time. But my son loved the idea of having a friend next door that he could play with after school and on weekends. As the summer progressed my son (and I) began to see behaviors that we, especially me, were uncomfortable with. I began a dialogue with my son about these behaviors and used the open ended questions to ask my son questions about friendship and friend's behavior

The whole thing came to a head when my son's best friend came into town to stay a week and absolutely hated the neighbor boy...he saw right away what my son had been refusing to accept. That censure from his best friend and peer really helped my son recognize that this neighbor boy was not a true friend much less someone he wanted to hang around with.

So, while I guide my son and help him develop a moral compass I cannot and will not control who he picks as friends....I must teach him the right values and teach him to value himself and his beliefs enough to make the right choices. It is not easy to watch our children struggle in the social waters - we always want to swoop in and "save" them.

Your daughter needs to be exposed to more children and have other venues to meet and establish other friendships. It is harder that this mean girl is in her class so you may need to look into extracurricular activities that will expand her base of potential friends...girl scouts, karate, after school programs - the list is endless. At the same time continue to teach her what friendship is. Use examples from your own childhood, and even adulthood, that tell a story about good friends, how they act and how to act. Encourage her to call the girl out about her bad behavior and stand up for herself.

Just remember that this is a learning process and is sometimes slow going. It took months for my son to admit the truth about the neighbor boy and I truly think if the best friend hadn't visited it would have taken twice as long.

Be strong for your daughter and you will be able to teach her to be strong also.

Hugs.

This girl is not a friend to your daughter! and she will figure it out sometime, but it might be easier if you talk to your daughter about how a friend should be. Someone who takes advantage of you, is rude and lies to you or has you lie to your parents(changing the behavior grade) is not someone you want to hang out with. I had a best friend who sounds very similar. We did everything together, but she was very mean. She was always calling me names and then saying just kidding. She loved to sneak out(we were in jr. high) and I would go with her because I didn't feel right about her alone with a boy at night. I got caught by my parents one night too and I got in terrible trouble- she told me not to tell on her, and being a nice friend- I didnt'- so she never got in trouble. I finally had it when she sat through a whole lunch at school and told everyone that I was pregnant(I was 13 at the time) She never apologized and we never talked again. It was a hard lesson to learn.
I think at 9, you have more of a responsibility as a parent to limit contact with this girl. Let your daughter know why and encourage her to meet other girls. I don't think I would forbid contact- but no more going over to her house. And if you have this girl over at your house, make it clear what your rules are and if this girl is being mean, take her home.
Good luck!
~C.

Think about this, how is she going to react to this other little girl about drugs, skipping school and sex. Maybe not pick her friends but help her understand what this girl is doing to her and how it makes you feel dissapointed in her, etc, and maybe guide her to other girls in her class, speak to her teacher and explain your concerns and maybe she can help break up the little group and get your daughter involved with other kids.

I too have a nine-year-old girl, so I totally understand how girls this age long for a best friend and cling to that relationship and want to be "nice" to everyone, all the time. And I know how the niceness can make them fail to stand up to girls who are bullying and pushy, which her friend is. And oh, how the girls hate it when parents criticize their friends. But this girl is on the road to real trouble, and I think the grade change is the tipping point. I would take that very seriously as the final indicator this is not a friend for your child to have.

You know about the change, and it's fantastic that your daughter told you about what happened, including telling you something about her friend that was negative. So obviously the grade change is something your daughter knew was wrong, and obviously you two have good communications between you because she told you (and that is great!). You don't want to quash her desire to commuicate with you by making her think you're mad at HER, or by seeming to "hate" her best buddy. But you also have to address this.

I agree with the person who posted who said this is a chance for your daughter to learn for herself that not everyone is a true friend or a person she should hang out with. Open-ended questions are good, but I would go further and talk with your daughter -- an opening is the changed grade. "Do you think that was right of her to do that? What would you do if it were a grade on a test that she changed, and not a behavior grade? Did you tell the teacher? Why or why not?" You'll have to ask in the most non-judgmental voice possible so she thinks for herself rather than getting upset that you're "mad" at her.

You also can talk with her generally about what makes a good friend and what makes a not-so-good one, and I'd recommend getting some of the American Girl books about friendship. Not the fictional books but the AG "Girl's Guide to Friendship" and guides like that. They are excellent and give you an opening to guid her to think about her own friendships.

If you eject the friend from her life with a big ultimatum and tears on her part, the friend will become "forbidden fruit" to your child and they'll be even tighter when at school. I liked the idea another person had of getting your daugher into activites (classes, scouts, etc.) with other kids, and I'd add that you're still the one who can schedule play dates, so set up plenty with other kids - you might be surprised to find that your daughter is delighted when you say, "So-and-so is coming home with us today for a play date!" even if the girl isn't the best friend. And don't say that you're doing this because you want her to see someone besides the friend.

And you still control her access to this girl outside school -- find "reasons" why there can't be a play date with her (maybe because your child will be going off to scouts or dance class or whatever); unsubscribe to the Club Penguin account for a while (tell her it ran out and you'll resubscribe later, for her birthday, or at some date a few months away,but again, make clear it's not a punishment for her, and maybe sign her up for something else that doesn't involve codes and prizes); ensure that only you, and not your daughter, picks up all phone messages and call the girl's mom immediately to report any more nasty messages; schedule something else distracting for your daughter at the same time as the friend's birthday party, maybe.

Oh, and if I were the friend's mom I would want to know about the grade changing so I could nip that in the bud immediately.

The girls will still be interacting with each other at school. I think you need to enroll your daughter in a taekwondo class. Besides learning some self defense, she'll learn how to stand up for herself and she'll meet other people. She'll also have less free time to spend with this not so great friend. Don't go out of your way to break up the friendship, but give her opportunities to make better friends. Eventually she'll see this other girl is just using her, and this isn't how really good friends should act.

While we can't pick our childrens friends because we aren't with them at school, we can teach them what friendship is and how if someone says bad things to you and hurts your feelings over and over when they don't get their own way, they aren't friends. We can also invite over girls who are nice to have a day out shopping or doing something fun so our daughters can experience a good friendship. You can put a stop to hanging out with this friend who is leading your child down the wrong path by teaching her to be sneaky and dishonest with the changing the grade and such. Tell your daughter she isn't allowed at her house and she isn't allowed at yours and while you can't stop it at school, you can certainly control it more at home. Make sure you let her know it is because her dishonest ways, the lies and the changing the grades and the bullying are the reasons you do not like this girl. Tell your daughter that you know your daughter knows that these things are wrong and you don't want to give the idea that it is an acceptable behavior by allowing it to continue. Mostly talk to her about what friendships are like and help her find friends who will support that behavior.

I LOVED Julie B's answer and I'm keeping it for future advice for myself!
I have a daughter(who is only 3 right now) but at some point, I am sure I will be in the same predictament. I,too, had a "bad" friend when I was young and my Mom ended the friendship. I didnt understand why my Mom wanted to take my friend away from me and it made things difficult between us as well as caused problems for me at school. There is no way of knowing how it will turn out, but I suggest talking to your daughter and letting her know how you feel about her friend. Help her to learn what a good friend is so that she will realize that maybe her friend isn't so "friendly". ulie B is right and you want your daughter to start learning how to read people. She needs this experience. Eventually,she will come to the conclusion herself to start pulling back from the friendship. But I would not force the end of the friendship. This will happen many more times. There will be friends you will like less than others. You can't end of all them,especially when she gets older. And what about boys? You want her to be able to choose her boyfriends wisely as well and it begins with learning how to choose good friends. Show her to choose her friends wisely by explaining what a good friend is, but don't choose them for her. I also agree with the post below about not forbiding contact but perhaps limiting it so that her friend has come to your house rather than the other way around. That way you can keep an eye on things when they're hanging out away from school. :-)

L. , I am so sorry your family is going through this. My daughter often gets bullied by another girl in her dance class we have talked to the dance teachers and her mother has been spoken to and her response was to come back and blame my daughters attitude for getting picked on. Sadly the apple does not fall far from the tree.
I will suggest you read the book My Secret Bully by Trudy Ludwig. It is a very telling and a great conversation book for you and your daughter. Your daughter should read it also. My daughter is nine and we read the book during her Brownie troop meeting and we asked the girls questions that are in the back of the book. My favorite line in the book is " does it make you feel good , to make me feel so bad". In the end it may be better for your daughter to understand that a true friend would never do things that would get her in more trouble . I would ask your daughter if she feels like she can say to the girl " if you cannot be nice to me then maybe we should not be friends." You would hate for your daughter to turn around and treat others the way this girl treats her.

Good Luck and keep us posted as to how things go.

I think that part of parenting is teaching a kid when someone is bad or wrong or just going to get them in trouble. If the friend changed the grade, that doesn't matter re: the party. Your kid knows your rules and her "friend" can't skirt them.

My sister had a friend who would do things like call from unknown places to skirt the blocked number. I forget now why she was blocked, but there was a big to-do and my mom blocked her and explained to my sister that this girl was not a friend. It was hard for a while since she was my sister's most constant playmate, but she was no friend. Neither is your child's friend. I think that while there are a lot of times when you don't step in, this is one where I would.

I also agree that getting your daughter in an activity where she can meet other girls would be a good way to foster a friendship - be it a team or a scout group or whatever.

You might also talk to the teacher so she has a head's up on what's happening at home.

I wouldn't normally say get involved in the friendship, but your daughter is being taken advantage of. I would get involved and talk to the mother let her know what her daughter is doing. Most likely she will deny it and have issues with you about it, but you can at least let her know. As far as the friendship goes, tell your daughter that she can't be friends. She is not good news and is treating your daughter horrible! Good luck and sorry you are going through this....

M

I think the better lesson to try to teach your daughter is that this girl is not being a friend at all - it's a form a bullying and your daughter's self-esteem is at stake! By all means, end this relationship now.

I don't think it's about picking and choosing your daughter's friends, but more about teaching your daughter who is truly a friend, and who is not, and learning to stick up for herself.

This "friend" of her though sounds like trouble - she is encouraging your daughter to essentially lie and commit "fraud" by changing her grade and taking advantage of her by using the Club Penguin codes. I would start pointing these instances out to your daughter and talking to her about the fact that no real friend would act this way (this does not get your daughter off the hook however - she needs a consequence for this because she needs to learn not to allow someone to talk her into doing the wrong thing). Depending on how comfortable you are, you could consider having a talk with this girl's mother again, because she sounds like she's on the road to becoming a juvenile delinquent. As kids get older and become teenagers, they become even more heavily influenced by their friends, so parents really have to pay more attention to who their children are hanging out with.

It might break your DD's heart, but in the end, she is your daughter, your responsibility, and it's your job to impart on her your morals and values. There will be many more times you will need to take some hard stance and risk being "the bad guy" in order for your daughter to be a better person in the end. I would start getting your daughter involved in activities like Girl Scouts or church groups or sports where she can meet more girls and make new friends. You can also think about enrolling your DD in something like karate, which can teach her self-confidence and help build her self-esteem, making her less prone to be influenced by troublemakers.

I wouldn't call an official "end to friendship" but I would keep talking to your daughter about the fact that this girl's actions are NOT those of a real friend, or a person of good character. It sounds like, by your rules, your daughter did not earn the privilege of attending the girl's birthday party. I would call the girl's mother and tell her your daughter's school behavior scores have caused you to keep her from the birthday party. I don't even know if I would mention the score changing incident. Things will probably naturally cool between them. I would steer her towards other friends (reason, they treat her much nicer) if she wants to invite someone over or out. And not be "available" to get together with this girl in the future.

This friend sounds like bad news, but sadly you cannot choose for them not to be friends. You are not with her at school and have no control over who she plays with, hangs around with, etc. Also, sometimes if parents try to forbid someone from being friends with a certain person it makes that person more interesting and they want to hang around them more. In a way it has an opposite effect, instead of pushing them apart it pushes them together. It can also cause your daughter to be sneaky in order to see that person behind your back as she gets older. You REALLY don't want that. Have an open and honest conversation with your daughter. Find out how good of friends they really are, what your daughter thinks of her/her behavior. Also about any other friends your daighter may have that she can be around, etc. Things may change as they get older and they may get other friends, or it may be a longer lasting friendship. I really don't see anything you can do to stop it though.

Yes. While we still have a strong influence on our children its up to us to help them make the right decsion ( sp wr) however if they are not able to we have to step in since we are the adults and do it for them.
I would cease contact with this girl. Find some nicer friends for her and invite those girls over.

I am a mom who intervenes too much probably. I would try to control the amount of time that she spends with her and put her in some activities as one mom said to distract her and find new friends. I would deal with each issue as it comes and encourage your daughter to find some new people to play with a few times a week, set up playdates and encourage less time with this child.

At a mom's point I think that you should advice you kids away from bad friendships. It's our job as parents to help our kids make the right choices and to see the difference between right and wrong.

But from remembering my childhood... I had a best friend who got me in a lot of trouble, she was nice to me, but just a bad influence. My mom decided to end the friendship and the girl lashed out at me. My mom ended up pulling me out of that school because it got so bad. Rumors, writing on my locker, spilling milk on my books. The last thing she did to me was the teacher assigned her to collect the homework. Then the teacher called my name saying that she didn't get mine. I saw her throw something away and I went to the trash can and she had ripped up a very long essay of mine.

I guess my best advice would be to try to slowly end the friendship. Try keeping your daughter busy with other things. Maybe suggest a sleepover with a different friend. Or take her out somewhere with a different friend. If they just drift apart it shouldn't have any bad effects, but she would still be away from the bad influence.

Updated

At a mom's point I think that you should advice you kids away from bad friendships. It's our job as parents to help our kids make the right choices and to see the difference between right and wrong.

But from remembering my childhood... I had a best friend who got me in a lot of trouble, she was nice to me, but just a bad influence. My mom decided to end the friendship and the girl lashed out at me. My mom ended up pulling me out of that school because it got so bad. Rumors, writing on my locker, spilling milk on my books. The last thing she did to me was the teacher assigned her to collect the homework. Then the teacher called my name saying that she didn't get mine. I saw her throw something away and I went to the trash can and she had ripped up a very long essay of mine.

I guess my best advice would be to try to slowly end the friendship. Try keeping your daughter busy with other things. Maybe suggest a sleepover with a different friend. Or take her out somewhere with a different friend. If they just drift apart it shouldn't have any bad effects, but she would still be away from the bad influence.