Socially Inept 11 Year-old Daughter Is There Hope for Change

Re-read the second part of your statement under "A Little About Me" and apply that to your concerns with your daughter and her new friends. (I think that children have their own little gifts that are waiting to be discovered by them and us. I believe in the good in all persons and cant help but see the potential in all!)

I think your daughter is simply mature for her age. The fact that she has been your only child for all this time may have a great deal to do with it. You may have, unknowningly, have created a BFF relationship between the two of you that will take some time to loosen.

Don't be so up-in-arms about her new friends. She may have something to offer or teach them that they are not getting at home. You be there for her friends, as well. If you don't see her taking on negative behaviors just being friends with two girls that have been dealt a rough hand, don't jump to conclusions.

Make sure the line of communication is always open with the two of you, and let her make her choices.

As mothers, we have to teach, encourage, and then stand back. She's okay!

I am appalled that you would allow a 10 year-old to associate with girls that, at 12 and 13, are obviously being held back in their schooling for a reason. I would have to know a great deal more history about your daughter, where her father is, why you are adopting as a single mother with problems already. There is a plethora of possibilities why your child is reticent to "join in". Perhaps, with your full time job, your impending marriage and the acquisition of 3 more kids, your daughter might need a bit of attention from her mother.

It's hard when one's child isn't like oneself! Hard to understand... she IS very sensitive, as you know, and that is why she simply won't be friends with the "mean girls" (shallow might be a better word.) Sounds like a natural counselor, too. Don't worry about her "fitting in." She's an Indigo/Crystal, and needs to be accepted on her own terms. These are the children who have voluntarily come here to help clean up the messes that the older generation have created: the wars, pollution, starvation, and just plain meanness. Don't try to make them into something outdated!

I have a very introverted personallity myself, and unless the social event you are taking her to are her idea, chances are she's not going to find it easy to break the ice. Try finding extracurricular activities that fit her interests even if they arn't highly social. I had an obsession with horses when I was about 11/12 and my mom got me into a horseback riding program at a local camp. It wasn't horrible expensive, everyone there had the same interest, and it was okay to (in fact expected) that you would spend a portion of each lesson working by yourself. I made a lot of friends and had some great experiences. Other examples of good personal activities are art camps, gymnastics, writing lessons...try to stick with what she likes.

Hi K. I am a mother of 4 which 3 are girls! They are Great adults now and on their own ... My daughter's were very shy but I kept them active! Find her interest ... let her tell you what she would like to do... and remember it is ok to have only one or two friends! BUT you do need to make sure the friends she is with have high hopes and dreams and good values ... that is more important than how many friends.
Try finding something she can do that doesn't require being in the middle of lots of girls... girls can be mean and if she is shy the mean girls will pick up on it and they will pick on her ... Unless you can lead the girls scouts I would find something else for her to do... I was the shy girl in girl scouts and it was not fun!!!! My mom just dropped me off and the other girls moms took turns being at the meetings ... and me not being a social butterfly well it made me feel lonley and not a part of the group... Your daughter may say she likes it to please you?
Pick a time for you and her to talk then listen to your daughter to see what her dreams are and don't worry about how many friends she has she will find one that will work... you don't want her to make friends with the wrong girls just because she knows how important her having friends is to you....
My girls looked forward to our bedtime prayers ... one on one with me time ... that is when they knew they had my attention and if they needed to talk about something it was then... Your daughter is at a good age to start this bedtime habit before she gets much older ... because like it or not a friend will come and be the one to hear her dreams!!

do not push her so much some girls are shy.. and the bigger you make this an issue it will cause her anxiety. she may have these friends that are from a bad home because they can talk to her and she just listens and does not judge from how you explain her she does not seem to be a follower so just keep your eyes open and if her attitude changes be concerned..you seem to have raised so far a great child keep doing what you are doing and be glad you have a good kid even if she is not a social butterfly.. ps congrats on the new marriage and baby good luck with it all

K., I am a very spiritual person also a counsler thru Mercy Ministries for girls, thru my life I have learned many things. Let this be fact with comfort: GOD santifies and sets those aside whom HE has mighty plans for, this being said she will not have a ton of friends GOD want risk his chosen to be tainted, must people whom HE uses mightily are quiet, leaders and loners(this doesn't mean she's a wierdo, it just means shes called for greater things)I have found with me I never had many friends, I was quiet, still, a leader, yet a loner, this allowed GOD more access to minister to me.
You may not even be a spiritual person but remember GOD knew all before the beginning.

You are welcome to contact me at any time via email ____@____.com also you can find many tools for ____@____.com

Good luck if you need to talk I'm here

K., you say she's a great kid and is smart, sweet, etc and that you believe that children have their own gifts to be discovered. Then let her be and don't push her, she is not as social has you were and thats okay, bright sensitive child are okay by themselves or like having very few friends. My child has never been comforatable in group situations and when I have pushed her she is just sad, when I talked to another mom she said her husband was the same way and hated being pushed to do group acitivites and such, he is now a very successful adult. Some children are born older. Let her find her own nich, don't push her to be something she's not. My child is a 9th grader very few friends but happy, she likes individual activities, but they are in a group situation and she is better friends with the older ones in the groups. she in the band, takes karate and loves to read,has a great imagination she is very different from me and that is okay because God made her unique I'm social shes not so what, not every one can be the social butterfly and poplar, why do you want her to be so poplar? lay off the social pressure, celebrate who she is not what you want her to be.

Hi K.,
You didn't mention if you went to church or not. I would suggest checking into the local churches and see what kind of child activities they have. Learning the scriptures can touch a child as no other can. To know that Jesus loves them when it seems as if no one else does can help. It helped my son. Good Luck and God Bless!

I was your daughter. In my oppinion, if she is happy with the way things are for her socially then leave it alone. I didn't start really making friends until I was in middle school and when I went to high school I had even less friends.

I befriended people who were from not so great home environments and honestly (even as a kid) I wanted to help them, which is why I was their friend. I thought if I could b their friend I could help them get through their struggles. Maybe your daughter is the same way. I would keep an eye on her friends because there were plenty of times when mine tried to cooerce me into things I knew were wrong but I never got involved. I'll put it this way - I am 30 years old and still have zero experience with any kind of illegal drug. It was offered to me, even pushed by friends but I NEVER tried it and didn't want to.

Because you are so concerned about your daughter's well being, I assume you ar raising your daughter similar to how my mother raised us (also by your about me) so I don't think you have much to worry about with your daughter. I think she just doesn't have the desire to be social yet. Don't worry - it will come :o) Today I speak in public all the time and I have no problems with making friends. We all bloom in our own time.

C.

Keep telling yourself every flower blooms in its own time. I have a daughter that was and in some respects still is sort of a loner. She had 2 friends the entire time in elementary school,she picked up a couple more in jr high and then has a couple more now that she is in high school.Like your child she could not and can not stand what she termed then as the mean girls and the girls she did befriend where generally the girls that where having a rough time in life. This being her second to last year in high school we talked about it and she decided to try and branch out a bit and joined the student council. It was awful for her because she felt completely left out by the other kids after loads of frustrating tears we agreed and she quit. Instead she turned her attention elsewhere and started a program at her school working with an area grade school to help encourage reading. It's wonderful for her and helps her feel as if shes contributing something. Maybe you could try seeing if there are art workshops or something creative in your community that you daughter would like to try, ie a drama or other such program to give her an outlet. Its hard for a social butterfly to watch and wonder when there own little will get there wings but it will happen in time we just have to be patient.

The wonderful comments you made about her being obedient sensitve caring ect. Are admirable traits and should be celebrated. Socially inept is your perception of how she lives life. Maybe she likes the solitude. Why dont you just ask her what she wants maybe she communes with animals better, if so let her. Shes 11 let her be 11. I really enjoyed climbing on to the back of my great uncles old plow horse and just laying back and going where ever he did.
As long as she has your support and attention she wont become a hermit.
Hope that helps.
A granma

I was like your daughter. And really, I turned out fine, with a few quality friends now. I thought most of my classmates, even as young as first grade, were childish, immature, and "mean" to others. I preferred the company of adults and preferred to read by myself or play with animals. I had a few friends but was always shy, until I became comfortable enough with my friends and I became goofy and outgoing, around them. I'm not sure what you mean by very rough home lives when talking about her new friends, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing. Maybe your daughter could be a good influence on them, if what you mean is they are going down the wrong path. It is possible that your daughter wants to help them. That's how I felt as a kid, I wanted nothing to do with the popular kids who could sometimes be mean, but if there was someone who was being made fun of, or poor, or troubled, etc. I wanted to help them and show them that someone could be nice to them. (I was the same way with homeless animals - does she like animals? Maybe she could volunteer or participate in some program with a local shelter or humane society. When I was a kid I felt like I understood how sad the homeless animals that no one wanted felt, could relate to them, and wanted to feed, pet, and give them attention). Does she like old people? She could volunteer to spend time with residents of a local nursing home, that would make her and the residents feel good. But please don't think your daughter's shyness and lack of friends is a problem, some people are shy, some people are outgoing, some sensitive...trust me, she will eventually find friends like her who she can really connect with and build meaningful relationships with, instead of just being superficial friends with the group at school because she is pushed into it and told she needs to make friends. You could also find a group that does something she is interested in that is not really social-based, and she will eventually meet friends with the same interests. Maybe she could get involved in music at school, or art, creative writing, or whatever she is interested in. (I suggested those because that is what I was involved in). In my experience, kids in those kinds of programs (as opposed to, say, sports) tended to draw the nice, smart, caring, hardworking kids with good values. Sometimes sports can be too competitive for a sensitive person, and they have all the popular cliques who will exclude the shy kid. Hope I've been some help! One more suggestion I forgot to mention earlier...do you think she would be interested in drama, or being in school plays? It may sound strange for a shy girl with few friends, but it can actually be very helpful, unless she has big stage fright then maybe not so much. Going back to the example of myself as a kid, I was very good in drama and at acting, although I was shy in real life. On stage you get to learn about and play another character, not yourself, so no one is judging YOU or your own personality. And the lines are scripted and memorized, not like real life when a shy kid may not have enough self-confidence to seek out and talk to other kids and tell them her own thoughts and ideas, which she may fear will be rejected or laughed at. Also, in a weird way, playing different roles onstage can be like practice for being more social in real life, at least getting used to actually talking more. And, again, if this is something she actually would like to do, then she will be able to make friends with other kids with similar interests.

it may be self esteem, lack of social skills or just plain old intravertedness. but all of this can be cured with an activity invlving animals... so i recommend the best activity ever... horses.... find a local barn that offers beginners lessons and get her into a summer camp program or regular lessons. her self esteem will improve and she will learn great skills for later in life. this is first handed advice from a previous introvert turned socialite.... my friends still laugh when i tell them that i am really an introvert and not the extrovert they think. oh and i still have horses and am raising my children with them. i know they can be costly... so i would only suggest camps, lessons and maybe leasing one... but if you can afford $10k a year... then buy one... oh and if none of this is affordable.. i started by helping a lady clean stalls in exchange for getting to ride her horse. best of luck. -mb
and please do post what happens.

My husband and I went through some of the same issues with my daughter when she was 10, 11, and 12. She was in counseling, and finally went to see a psychiatrist where she was diagnosed as Bi polar and depressed. PLEASE, PLEASE be very careful with her. She got into a group in High School where she dressed all in Black and got in with some very scary people. At one point she even hung out with the Druggies. This was all her way of trying to fit in with anyone that would accept her. Luckily she is now 21, and learning still to like herself. She has learned that if you will be yourself, people will either like you and if they don't then maybe they are not worth wasting you're time on them

There are some very good books out there that talk about raising a child that has a very different personality than you do. I have had these same concerns about my daughter at times (she turned 11 on monday). I got some very good advice from one of my daughters teachers when she was in kindergarten. She suggested we invite one child over to our house at a time. This makes it easier to make a connection when your child is not in a group. It is a lot of work for a working Mom but I think it can be a really good thing. My daughter is doing well, and has finally found a few kids that are more liker her.

K., mine is 12 and I figured it out just last year. My daughter cannot relate to the kids her own age. She is smart, intelligent, pretty, funny, just like yours, just cannot relate with her peers. I finally discovered after talking to her that the things that are important to girls her own age don't interest her. She flatly doesn't like to giggle over boys, clothes, or any of that. She likes animals, arts, music (but not what is 'pop'). I suppose this is mainly my responsibility because I have always been there as her parent, friend, and grandparent. So I have looked at having an older friend for her, she is 12 so it is hard to find someone 14 or 15 with enough maturity and morals to be a decent role model....so until then she is just stuck with me. I allowed her to make friends back in the 3rd and 4th grade with some girls just as you mentioned (bad home lives) this was not a great idea K.. Because she wanted to fit in and ended up learning some hard lessons revolving around smoking, sex, and theft. Just be patient and find her activities to be involved in that include all ages. We found square dancing of all things!!.....older and younger people attended those and she got to dress up. She also really likes to be around older people as she has spent so much time with my mother who is in her 70's. Best of luck to you and your daughter....if you lived nearby???
B.

A group situation is probably very hard for your daughter. I suggest that even though she is very old for playdates that you find a way to encourage one on one activities - for example, studying together with one other student. If she is with a large number she finds it more difficult to approach the groups of than to stay off by herself.

You may find that she will not have more than a friend or two until college age or later but does well otherwise. The lack of friends causes pain but does not indicate a higher chance of following a bad influence - I think it is the kids who are actively trying to join the in groups who have the highest chance of making poor decisions. If she ends up with a group of other social outcasts as long as they are good students, don't do drugs, drink, etc you might as well leave it alone.

Hi K.!
When I was younger, I thought that so many of the kids my age were mean, catty and childish. I would rather be in a room with a bunch of adults than hang around immature kids. The thing is that I didn't have a lot of friends, but the friendships I had were very strong. I have two really good friends, one has been my best friend since we were in high school and we're in our mid 30's now. We have been through graduation, marriage, infertility, motherhood, divorce, EVERYTHING together, and I am so grateful for her. Sometimes we go a couple of months without talking because things get hectic, but then one of us picks up the phone and it's like we just talked the day before. (Then there are times we talk ten times a day!! :) If I ever need her, she will be there for me in a heartbeat. Maybe your daughter is the same way, which could be awesome. She will have many acquaintances, but a couple of very true, loyal friends that will be with her through thick and thin.
It sounds to me like you are doing a great job! You got her help from a counselor and are keeping watch for any signs that these girls might become a bad influence on your daughter. If she is unhappy with her social situation then maybe another counselor or psychiatrist would help, but if she's fine with it, then I would just let her do her thing. I agree with getting her involved in an activity that suits her personality.

K.,
Your daughter is having self value issues. It sounds like it started as maybe shyness or her lack of initiative to make friends. Now that she has made some friends (girls that are outcasts themselves) it shows that your daughter is suffering in some area,these arent friends your daughter picked rather they picked her. As someone who suffered from this myself and who watched her son begin the same pattern,i believe I have the answer. Is your daughter from a split home? Have a dad who is not so attentive? Does she have unhealthy image issues? I have only found one answer and thats Jesus Christ. Through prayer all things are possible. This is a spiritual fight that your daughter is fighting. "We fight not against flesh and blood but against evil spirits". It might sound goofy freaky silly whatever but I have proof that it works. Pray against a spirit of Fear and a spirit of rejection. Its so simple to do and so awesome to see the results. You say your a liberal in most of your beliefs and thats great, so was Jesus. He believed that everyone deserved the same chance to live a full happy life free from all things that cause us pain in our life. P.S Im really not a wierdo:)

Not sure if this will help or not, but how about trying to get her into a confidence building activity. What about martial arts? My son lacked confidence at that age and it really helped him. You could watch a class at a few different studios to see which is a good fit for her, but the kids can earn achievements at different levels and it really is a great confidence builder. My husband did it with my son and daughter for a few years. I think when kids have confidence, it shows and is an attraction to others socially. And, she doesn't have to be a great athlete to do it. Kids at every level can succeed. It will teach her skills like mental strength and physical strength and to keep trying and practicing to keep sharp. If she does really well and enjoys it, she could get into tournaments. I also think it is a good thing for young girls to learn some self defense these days. Maybe if she builds some confidence, she will want to connect more socially. There is always hope for change. At her age, she may need to try a lot of things to find her nitche. Keep trying till she finds something she loves. And whatever it is, learn about it with her. If not martial arts, maybe music or local community plays. Possibly even a local church group has something for girls her age on a weekly basis, although summer is coming up and those things will let up soon. Another idea is swimming. She can learn synchronised swimming. Many cities offer it and if she liked it, could do competitive synchronised swimming. The idea being to bond with a group over a common interest and work together for a common goal. My neice who never wanted to do anything until she found synchronised swimming, fell in love with it and became quite good. Was a great confidence builder for her. Best of luck.

sometimes kids who are a little on the shy side are pegged early on in their school 'careers' as not cool to hang out with. have you considered moving or changing schools to give her a fresh start with new kids?

Perhaps a different counselor could shed more insight. There may be more going on. I was also going to suggest church as a place to meet & interact with others, though you may or may not be interested in that.

hi there K.:

Wow!!!Your daughter, as you tell us, is the exact opposite of your self . Perhaps you are too focused on how you were and not on how things are for your daughter! Yes, be watchful and wary but don"t smother. Be grateful that she a loner. Perhaps she is the lone scientist behind the test tube that cures mankind;'s ill. hugs

K.,

I couldn't tell from your email if she is socially inept because she won't talk to anyone or is she so impulsive that she says things that offends others and they shun her?

The reason I ask is because I am ADD and as a child it was hard to make friends because when you are ADD, you tnd to blurt things out and do things that annoy people. A lot of ADD kids suffer socially and think that no one likes them. That is why I ask.

I hope this helps.

Hey K..
do you belong to any type of church? youth groups do so many fun activities.most are free! and they usually have so many good adults to talk with along with the older teens...did you go through a divorce? maybe shes just a good listener!
keep an eye on her and her new friends be involved keep reashuring her she can talk to you any time any where...
congrats on the new adoption I have 2! they are a hand full
I love it when i hear of other people adopting..just remember to give your 'first love and support they get jelous easy your an awesome mom!!!!! God bless you

Hi. It can be very frustrating to see your child mistreated or left out. I know it makes me feel so helpless. My daughter, myself and my husband all have had similar issues. If your daughter is exceptionally bright, high intelligence can come with an exceptional moral compass. She may not like the way the girls behave and chooses not to associate with them. It can still be painful being alone and feeling different, but it is just difficult to associate with people you don't approve of. Do you know if she is actually unhappy about her limited social life? If she has not been evaluated as far as IQ, you may want to consider it. My daughter went from: "she has a problem with authority and talks back too much" in K & 1st, to: "she has such wonderful ideas and is such a good citizen" in 2nd & 3rd. The difference? Gifted classes. She is with her mental peers that identify with and understand her and has teachers that appreciate feedback rather than looking at it as challenging their authority.

Another possibility is Asperger's Syndrome. This might include an aversion to eye contact and an inability to read social cues from other people which leaves the child clueless as to whether they are being accepted or rejected. The child (or adult, for that matter) is confused about reactions they receive and usually react inappropriately to social situations. If your daughter is able to have good relationships with family members, I suspect the former because Aspergers also affects emotional relationships with family members.

I would suggest an IQ evaluation and perhaps girls a few years older than she for playdates to see how it goes...and even boys her age because boys seem to be so much less catty - at ANY age Heh! If none of this helps, I'd look into the Asperger's end.

I still only have two true friends and have difficulty forging friendships...usually because I discover some moral issue that I can't accept about the person. I still LIKE the person, and I feel like people should be able to live how they want, but I don't necessarily want to be around them or associated with them. The real oxymoron is that I love people.

Good luck!

You've probably gotten all sorts of advice by now but from my experience, having been just like your daughter, she'll probably turn out just fine. I didn't want to be around my peers because of their mouths, their gossipping ways and my being "weird". (Weird to them was tall, thin, red curly hair, wearing a bra at 8, having to wear dresses, being a tomboy, etc.) My mother signed me up for Girl Scouts and it was the worst year of my life. I am still kind of a loner today but I have a loving husband and three children who do not see me as odd. What a wonderful thing it is to be understood by someone.

If my mother had gotten me counseling it wouldn't have helped because the girls at school didn't like me no matter what I did. I couldn't change my personality nor would I have.

K.

Hmm... oh gurl ur bab b will come out of her shell.. jus b patient she's still developing.. u hav so much going on fo all of yawl... maybe she feels burdened to bother you with stuff she wants to do..if shes hanging with older kids its jus to find out wat they've been up to and kinda get a grasp on wat she is suppose to be doing... she may be bored with other people also, she really sounds like a very highly intellegent young lady..

Maybe your daughter's "little gift" is quiet introspection? I was a shy kid, picked on a lot in elementary and middle school, and honestly, I don't think socially awkward children do well if they feel pressured to be social butterflies. Perhaps she just does better with one or two close friends. I started coming out of my shell when I was 14, but I really blossomed in college (Bryn Mawr!) at the age of 20.

As for children with rough family lives, while it's possible they may form a bad influence on your daughter, it is also possible that she may have a good influence on them. They need good friends, too; these friendships can have a lifelong impact for good - to look back and remember that someone thought them worth hanging out with. I came from a very difficult family life, to where I didn't feel comfortable having friends over because I didn't like them to see what things were like. Not that they enjoyed coming over anyway. Most of my friends came from difficult family backgrounds, too, but that didn't determine our futures. My best friend from high school is an environmental engineer and happily married; my other close friend from high school is also happily married, with a son; and I am married to the most wonderful man in the world and we have a darling little boy.

Assuming she's not making friends because she is quietly suffering from some deep, secret trauma, may not be the best thing for her. You may make her feel that you think she's not all right, and that will probably worry her more than anything else. If she's healthy and well-adjusted in all other areas but this one, I'd say you're overreacting. Give her time to discover her own gifts and talents, at her own rate.

Hi there - my daughter had the same problems. We couldn't figure it out and when she was 16 the psychiatrist said she was borderline autistic (Asberger's Syndrome). I don't say this to scare you, merely raise a "red flag" to consider. She is 28 now, going on about 15 socially. She is still awkward with her age group, but relates well to children and older adults outside the family. I wish I had some answers for you but we are still struggling with this. I imagine your daughter has many gifts to offer, it's just that sometimes we have to look a little deeper. Good luck honey - you do have your hands full - sounds like my time raising children (all 9 of them).

My husband's niece had the same social withdrawl and was finally diganoised with Aspburger(not spelled corretly) which is a mild form of austim. You may want to chek into that.

Hey K....

Looking at your request, it seems to me that your daughter is probably introvert (meaning that she gets her energy by being alone). This is not bad, in fact probably my whole family are interverts. I suggest that you read a book called "Raising your spirited Child". In it talks about the differences between introvert and extervert (among other things). If after your research you decide that your daughter is an intervert, perhaps you can find activities that more suit that kind of personality. I should also tell you that introverts do not have a lot of friends, but the friends they do make will be long term friendships (I still have friends from grammer school). I know this sound crazy, but many people in the arts (dancing, drama, music, etc...) are introverts. If you really think about it, you can be part of the crowd but not in the crowd. I hope this helps...

T.

Hello,
It sounds like you have a lovely daughter. I tend to agree that looking into issues like Asperger's or sensory integration issues might be worthwhile (since this has been a pattern for many years, and not just a phase or adjustment). If you feel that something is not quite right, it probably isn't. God graces moms with that instinct. If your daughter does have something other than just shyness, there is help available. In any event, you are blessed with a daughter with so many beautiful qualities, and she with a mom who loves and admires her. Blessings, R.

K. if your daughter is a trouble free child, then just give her a little while to get a idenity of her on some times it take a little longer for a child to develop in those area's.she could be the type of person that likes to get the feel of people before approaching and it really sounds like she just going to be a little shy of grouds. when the time is right she will blossom and start doing her on little things. i think you should give her a little more breathing room to grow in that are. she will be just fine i really don't think you have anything to worry about mom. P..