So-Called" "Friends."...OR Not

I think there are some people who live such drama-filled, needy lives, they tend to go through periods where they seem to bond with someone who is fulfilling many needs at once. For instance, you were providing a place to live, saw her through a soured romance, gave her timely advice, helped with her dog. What kind of support or friendship was she providing for you during this time? Probably not a whole lot, though it felt like it because you unloaded on her emotionally. In her own shallow way, I'm sure she cared about you, but the fact of the matter is that you were part of a period of her life, and you are no longer as useful to her. Therefore, she is gone because she needs to pour her energy into the next "bond" that gets her what she needs. That's why she isn't reaching out to you now and why you will always be the one to reach out to her.

My advice: be grateful that she didn't use you worse than she did. Be grateful that you are able to make a clean break. And be careful who you share your private, emotional information with in the future. Know that there are some friendships that are pretty one-sided, and those friendships are almost always short-lived, no matter how intense they are in the moment.

Sometimes friendships just run their course. I am having to accept this about the relationship I have had with the woman that was once my BFF, we simply grew apart and we both changed too much.

She probably has a lot going on in her personal life. From what you said, she sounded kind of needy. She probably is having a hard time keeping her own head above water...she doesn't have time to nuture others. She was close before because she lived with you.

Sometimes friendships just aren't meant to be long term. If you were friends during a time that was very difficult for her, then she may be trying to completely remake her life and start over. Sometimes that means ending friendships that they had during that time, or that they felt were toxic during that time, or that they associate with the difficult and toxic issues.

If you've extended attempts at communication without response multiple times, then I would back off. You have every right to be disappointed and upset but I would work towards distancing myself at this point. Mourn the friendship and move on. Maybe at some point in the future she'll decide she can return contact, but clearly at this point she can't.

My guess would be either she was hurt or offended by you and decided to cut you out of her life, or if she moved far away perhaps she is just ready to cut ties to the people in her past and move forward. There is also a chance that life is going horribly for her at this point and she just does not have the energy to work on friendships. In any case, if she will not respond to your messages, there is really nothing you can do and I would try to let it go and move forward with other friendships.

Sometimes when people reach out during hard times, and then move on, they feel the need to leave the old life behind because it's painful to think of. It sounds like that's what has happened with this woman. If I were you, I'd let her continue to "find herself" and give her some time.

Look at it this way, at least she's not calling or writing asking for money. THAT kind of person is a user.

Make no assumptions.

She might be going through something about which you have no idea at all. Illness. Family issues (yes, even though her family lives far away.) Depression. Work issues. She may feel that she's not "worthy" or "in a good place" for contacting you. She might fear SHE did something to offend you. She might be scared to contact you despite your messages because she has nothing good or happy to report, especially if she has any of the issues listed above.

Always assume the best -- not the worst. Assume that she remembers you fondly and might have troubles that make her feel "I am not worth anyone talking with right now, because I've got nothing good to report." That is a lonely place to be. Assuming that she's "broken up" with you as a friend is assuming the worst.

Give her the benefit of the doubt. Send a real card in the real mail and tell her that you miss her and whatever's going on her life, you're happy to listen. Tell her that you are worried because you haven't heard from her.

I'd be worried -- not offended -- at someone disappearing like this.

I have been that person, the one who didn't get in touch for ages because I felt I wasn't worth anyone knowing. It snowballs and then the next thing you know, it's been so long that you feel "I can't possibly contact Friend now, she hates me for sure."

Benefit of the doubt. Try again.

I hear ya. I have a 'friend' who moved about 5 hours away 10 yrs ago. To me she was the sister I never had, I loved her and her family. The problem? For the past couple of years she is never there for me. My Mom died she refused to ask off for the funeral. She never answers the phone when I call and if I leave a message she doesn't call back. I finally got it. She's is no longer interested in our friendship. I don't call her anymore, no more emails, no more putting myself out there for her. I moved on to find other friends.

To be clear, her son-in-law was killed in a motorcycle accident in 2007. They had been married 51 weeks when he was killed. His funeral was the day before their first wedding annniversary. My daughter and my friends daughter had been joined at the hip when they lived near us and the girls are still close. My son and my firend's son were best buds for years also. My daughter had just found she was preggers with her first about a week before the accident. Both my daughter and I took off from work, I took my son shopping to get new clothes, this was a full honors Marine funeral, and we drove down booked a motel, went to the viewing and funeral and then back home. We have been there for them but it doesn't come back. So I quit trying I am waiting for her to make a move. It's been months but I will not call her again.

We deserve friends who love and respect us, simple as that.

Friendships are like romantic relationships. Sometimes they end abruptly, but there's no real "break up" the person just moves on.
It hurts, I know, it's happened to me.
I would send her one final message "hey, not sure what's going on, if I did something wrong, but I miss you and hope you're doing well, call me sometime" and then leave it at that. If you don't hear back you'll know that she's done and you can move on.
I've had some good friends come and go over the years, but the true ones never leave, that's how it goes for most of us I think.

Just sending a note to let you know that you have lots of company. I had a wonderful friendship with an entire family. When they moved out-of-state we truly enjoyed our visits. Then one day, no contact. No calls, no returned emails, no Christmas card. No visit when in town. Nothing. I was so hurt. I still don't understand. Please take time to heal and forgive, and move on.

Sometimes the intensity is too much, and they need a break. Sometimes it's easier to live in those relationships when proximity lends to it. Sometimes people get swept up in the flow of it all and find it easier to step away when the tide changes. Sometimes life calls them away to other things, and they can't give you the attention that you're used to. Sometimes they might need space to tend to their personal life goals.

People are different.

It's hard to recover when you connect with and suddenly lose someone. I suggest that you make a point of always meeting people right where they are and limit your expectations of them.

I am sorry you are going through this. It is odd that she doesn't even respond to you.

Sometimes regular people have trouble keeping up with people they don't see anymore. Sometimes it just hurts a little to much. But thats not the case if she won't respond to you.

If she has a certain kind of disorder then it's like, out of sight, out of mind. They have very linear thinking. They can give relationships 110 percent while it benefits them but completely drop it like a rock when it no longer meets a need in their lives. They have very black and white thinking. If this is true for her, then you have been used, I'm sorry to say. It hurts.

Been there. Done that. Left me saying, what the heck?

This sounds like it might be a friend of mine. We were very close at one point; through our marriages and kids. She moved away, but we managed to still stay in touch. Then she remarried and moved a little further away and I only started to hear from her when she was needing a shoulder to cry on our had some other issue that was causing her terrible emotional grief. I got tired of only hearing from her to play counselor. I reached out a few times and she was very brief and didn't seem to want to engage in a real conversation. I immediately stopped calling and she never called to see why and we haven't spoken in about 2 years. That was the end of it. To this day, she will call our mutual friends, and actually tell them that she's going to call me, but she doesn't. I just let it go and as much as you want to know why...............let it go. She might resurface at some point, but don't hold your breath. The season for this friendship has passed.

You can't control other people.

I suggest that you find a way to talk with her in person. Using I statements tell her briefly how you feel. Give her the chance to tell you how she feels. Know that her distance may not have anything to do with how she feels about you and your friendship. Also recognize that its common for friends to be close than not so close. It's called "the dance of intimacy."

I have found that when I and a friend get particularly close that we often need to draw back to get back in touch with ourselves. We talk and let each other know what is going on.

There are all different types of friendships.
Like those of proximity. Kind of like bonding with so robe at jury duty.
It doesn't make what happened less valid. Just over.

It is natural for former roommates, tenants and neighbors to fall out of contact when the living situation changes. Forming a lifelong bond is an unusual circumstance. Most friendships are typically of limited duration.