Friendship- REALLY Need Help on This One (UPDATED)

Personally I'd go ahead and talk to her again and I can't offer anything that Susan (S.H.) didn't already say. It sounds like you really want to contact her again so just go for it and hope for the best.

Good luck!
T.

I would talk to her. She needs a friend right now. Also, try head on telling her that it is just plane rude to stand up someone.

Two things come to mind:

#1: Friends are for a season, a reason or a lifetime. It appears that this friend is a "seaonsal" friend.

#2: Sometimes friends (and family), when they are creating chaos for themselves and making bad decisions, they sometime distance themselves from the people that care about them. Trying to force a friendship with her right now will have the same effect as repeatedly banging your head on the wall. Don't do it. Trust me, it hurts.

Also, and this is a very big thing. . . your friend is a flake. She's proven it over and over with you and other family members. Whatever friendship you had long ago is now history and the woman you knew back then no longer exists. It's time for you to accept that fact, learn to be a bit more discerning with who you would like to nurture a friendship with and widen your circle of friends. The best remedy for this situation is to allow new people, fresh blood into your life right now. To continue pining away for this particular over and done with friendship is like being stuck in a rut. Ruts can be changed.

I do feel for you though. I've been through this situation myself once or twice as well and it's never fun when it happens. I hope that you can find some peace and resolve to move forward and develop some new friendships with other women who really would appreciate having a friend like you.

Blessings.

In January, you didn't say what you wrote "pouring your heart out" about.
Was it about yourself, your friendship, other stuff?

maybe even at that time, she was undergoing tons of 'stuff' in her personal life, having nothing to do with you.
So that is hard to judge.

Obviously, having been living in another country, her life changed too and maybe her outlook or with her own family. Again that is only speculation. No one can really know what she was going through in Mexico, living there, and how it changed her.

Presently.. she has this situation. Which you heard about from acquaintances. You have not heard from her since your January pouring out your heart e-mail to her.
I am sure, if she wanted to, she would contact you.
For whatever reason, she has not.
I would not take it personally... although it does hurt. Because you really do not know her situation/what is in her head/ and what her life is.... or maybe she has just changed. My point being, try not to judge nor to think her "rude."

I guess my point is... try detaching yourself from the 'personal' feelings about it... I am sure, she did not mean to dis' you. But in the least, sure, she could have explained whatever it is... for her distancing, from you. But she did not.
For some reason.
If you don't know the reason... perhaps just think about it in a positive way... meaning, try not 'assuming' noxious reasons for her behavior. Don't take it personally.

I have had a couple of these things happen too. Both of my doing, and of my friend doing it. In the end... it was just a basic growing apart from, each other. For whatever reason... and for me, I had no interest in having a big drawn out deep conversation about it nor picking it apart to see what the reason is, with that friend. It just is. And I had no desire for reconciling.

I guess my point is.... try not to deem her rude or inconsiderate. You know/knew her as a good friend. And no friend is perfect. We all have our bad points. But so this is her current life... and situation. You could just e-mail her/contact her and without obligation, let her know that you hope she is okay and if she needs to she can call you etc. Thereby, not forcing her hand. But at the same time... it lets her know that even if time has passed... that you still have her best interests in mind... and that you trust that she will come to you, if need to. Without her having to feel obligated/pressured/guilty.

There is a local Hawaiian phrase, that goes: "To give from the heart, without expectation of return...."
That is the true element, of grace and graciousness... and of friendship. Whether or not you are in constant contact with each other. Or even if never in contact.
Friendship, is not tit for tat. No matter if it is ended or continues on.

A friend, to me, is NOT defined by how often you see each other or how often you call/write/e-mail/go out.

Respect the friendship for what it was. Friendships always changes. But you can remember it for good or bad.

All the best,
Susan

I would just let it be. If she wants to contact you, she knows you are there. But otherwise, I would just let it go. The fact that you had to hear that she is pregnant and married from some one other than her, kinda shows she (for whatever reason) doesn't want you in her life right now. I know it is hard, because obviously she and the friendship mean a lot to you, but pressuring her may only push her away. I went through a very similar situation with one of my VERY BEST friends. We were super close, but had spirts here and there that we didn't talk as often as before- I also moved away and moved back. Then I got married and had a baby. The last time I talked to him (he was gay and the best girlfriend anyone could ask for!) was the day of my baby shower. He called to say he couldn't make it. Then nothing. I called him, his work, left messages, send emails. I did get through to him one time and he kinda blew me off. After that, I just gave up. It hurts my heart and I still think of him often. His boyfriend (at the time) told me he moved to another state and that was it. If he ever reached out to me, I would take him back 1000 times, but I'm not wasting my energy on it anymore.
You sound like a really good friend, so I am sure you can find a friend that would appreciate it and recipricate it back.

I find myself wondering whether you could redefine your friendship. Letting go of your current expectations about what you "should" be to each other might really increase your happiness, if and when the two of you can get together.

I actually have several friendships like this (which leads me to think I might temperamentally be much like your on-again, off-again friend), when that person is right in front of me and we're sharing our thoughts and interests, it's like we've never been apart. And when we're apart, for me, at least, it seems as though some other relationship or other preoccupation is just as intensely consuming much of my time, attention and energy.

Your inquiry has me wondering whether I leave a trail of disappointed friends, although I do keep dates when I make them. I surely hope that's not the case, because I can't imagine how I'd go about investing more of my care or time in my occasional friendships. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that she is what she is, and it's unlikely that she'll become what you need her to be, if that's something different. And apparently, her other acquaintances bear out that simple truth.

Can you enjoy her as a friend when you bump into each other? If not, then you'd probably be happier cultivating other friendships, and letting this one slide.

I had a very similar best friend situation. It was before I got married, and I swear she was my friend "soul mate". The person I could tell everything to. I honestly thought we would stay that way, even after my upcoming marriage and move. Obviously we wouldn't talk as often but I thought we could stay in touch and my family lived there where I would be able to go visit her.

For a couple years we stayed somewhat in touch, but I realized that with her, if you weren't right in front of her making demands on her attention, you didn't get any. Rarely returning calls or emails, but when I would be visiting back at home we would get together and it was like I'd never left.

After that though, I pretty much stopped hearing from her completely. Then she found me on myspace several years ago and I tried a couple of time to send her a message and still never heard back. Then out of the blue she called me and said she'd be in my neck of the woods and wanted to get together. She'd gone through a devastating ordeal and we talked for a while. I hesitantly agreed to meet her, but then she cancelled due to her having a cold and not wanting to get my newborn sick. She promised to keep in touch, and I havent heard from her since. I saw recently (I guess a year and half or so ago) that she'd had a baby, and I sent her a congratulations email. That was the first contact I'd initiated in years. After still getting no response, I've given up. I haven't felt let down or taken advantage of in years because it really took no effort to say congrats and I didn't have any emotional expectations, but I decided I wasn't even going to bother with that much anymore after no response. I figure she knows where to find me and if she ever wants to make ALL the effort, I'll be around, but that is it.

The very most I'd suggest is that you could do what I did- send a quick message saying congratulations and you are happy for her. If she needs a friend and support, she will respond because you will be giving her an opening. She might be nervous to reach out to you, but if you do that, she will know you are still there. If she doesn't respond, it didn't take much effort on your part and you will know you did your best to be a friend. After that, I'd let it go. She knows where to find you if she needs you. I'm sorry about your situation. It is not easy to grow apart from a friend that way. I always figure everyone can use another friend or support system, but I guess not everyone is willing to make the effort unfortunately.

Listen as much as we love and appreciate certain people in our lives and want despertly to have a relationship with them you have to realize that certain people come into our lives for a reason...to teach us something, to give us the gift of friendship, love, to be there to support us in a time of need, to stay forever, or even a short while. The point is if it is a true friendship she wouldn't treat you the way she has so accept that her chapter in your story is over thank her for whatever it is she brough to your life and move on. Maybe someday when she looks around and realizes that she shouldn't have treated certain people in her life a certain way she may change, she may not. You can't keep waiting for her or you might miss out on another incrediable friendship that may last a lifetime:) Good luck

Call her, write her, communicate with her.

you need to move on.....your idea of her being a "great friend" is odd to me seeing that she is showing no interest in maintaining a friendship with you.

Although it is hurtful i think you need to re-catagorize the friendship status from BFF to CF-Convenient friendship. Seems like in the past when ever you did see her all was well like you weren't ever away from each other but leave it to her and you get no contact. I have a friend like that. When we are together all is perfect, this of course is me initiating the get together , if I don't I don't hear from her. But if I called her right now, and I haven't seen her in 3 months she'd be right over here to hang out. Once I realized what kind of friend she was as CF, then my feelings weren't hurt because I didn't have the expectations one would have for a BFF and I just enjoy the friendship when I see her. Obviously with a change of status I don't pour my deepest feelings into our conversations because she is not a reliable friend. If it bothers you so much, reach out congratulate her then let it go. It's her move at that point. Spend your time looking for a real friend to have in your life.

You have every right to try and reach out to her and let her know exactly how you feel, and see how she is doing. That's all you can do @ this point. If she continues pushing you away then sad to say but maybe its time to end this chapter with her being in your life:(

She knows where you are. Send a card or a brief note / email from time to time and let her know she is in your thoughts, but stop pursuing her. If she wants you, she'll come to you. What ever is going on with her, she apparently does not want to share it with you. She might have other friends (and since she's married - other family) that she is close to right now. She's not forthcoming with a lot of information so you just don't know. Sometimes friendships run their course and it's time to let it go and move on.

It sounds to me like you have been the only one making an attempt at friendship for a VERY LONG time. Her actions should tell you that she is not a "very great friend". I would not be extending myself any further to her.

Here are some of my favorite saying/quotes which might help:

Believe people when they *show* you who they are.
To know what people really think, pay attention to what they do, rather than what they say. ~Rene Descartes~

Well said by Laurie D!

Is there any possibility she did not get the last message you sent? You could try 'one more time' but go into it not expecting too much.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I have somewhat a similar situation with an old friend. My husband has never understood why I stay in the friendship b/c I get nothing from it, but she is my oldest friend (the only one I have from high school) and I can't totally break away from the friendship.

I hope you find peace one way or another with this relationship. As you have already stated, you have a full life w/ your husband and children, you know you are lucky. But, it is understandable to want to regain a cherished friendship.

I say do whatever makes you lay your head down at night and still think you are a good person. If it is going to bother you that you don't reach out to her - than try one more time. If you think it is all in the past (which I don't think it is because you posted about it here) then let it go.

Either way, just know that you can only do so much. In every relationship it needs to be 50/50. Sometimes you take more, sometimes you give more, but in the end it should be equal.

Best of luck to you!

It's very hard to be friends with someone who has repeatedly shown you she isn't really interested in being your friend. I have been in this type situation and it is much better for you to go ahead and actively develop new friendships. When she finds you are not waiting on her to respond she'll eventually come back around and try to be friendly again but she is just one of those people who don't make a good friend. You deserve better.

A great friend doesn't ignore you. I learned that a long time ago. You shouldn't have to put up with that. It's disrespectful and rude. If she's busy, she can easily just say, "I'm so busy right now, I'll get in touch as soon as things let up and we can catch up." By not doing even that, she's not being a friend. It can't be much fun to talk TO someone and not get even a "wow, so sorry to hear what you're going through" in return.

I would try to get involved in some activities where you can meet new people -- classes, M. & me groups, volunteer work are just a few ideas.

If she really needs you, it's up to her at this point to get in touch.