I was molested from the age of 5 till the age of 12,by my mom 's dad. Here is the problem. When im upset or had a bad day or crying, my husband is good at listening to me and comforting me in my time of distress,but then when he thinks im somewhat okay. He tries to inatiate sex and here is the problem.... when he goes to touch me in the areas i don't want to be touched at the time b/c im still upset i get really angry and push him away b/c i remeber when i was getting molested i would cry when my grandfather would touch me.
My husband dose not know about the molesting. He has no clue, he just knows that i get angry and he ask what did he do wrong.
My husband is from hispanic decent and there way of thinking is different.
Sooo that is why i don't know if i should tell him about this and how it makes me feel. I am afraid that he will look at me differently.
Im afraid it change everything in our marriage.
Should i tell or just let go?
I want to thank everyone for there advice. I really appericate it. I did go to counseling. She said not to tell my husband, she said if he totallly rejects me that would not be good for me. She said if there is something a married woman can not handle is that her husband does not want anything to do with her. She is helping me cope with the molestation and gave me tips on how to say the right words to my husband when im not in the mood, so he doesn't feel rejected.I am getting better. As i continue counseling the feelings and memories of that awful trama are beging to fade away slowly and not have such an impact on my life now.
I am glad i asked this question, it opened the door to me getting the help i needed. Thanks everyone
Oh my gosh! Tell him! He has no idea why you're so angry and repulsed... I am so sorry you went through that period as a child. Yes tell him, and also, seek professional therapy.
You should probably talk to a professional so you can get past it.
It's not fair to your husband.
But, I do understand that some men can get really freaked out about their woman being touched by another, and can become violent.
Not sure if your grandfather is still living, it would change a lot of the family dynamic if the truth was told. Chances are you are not alone in this and you have other family members that are also too afraid to talk about it.
You are going to live a good long life, letting the cat out of the bag would take a huge burden of pain and resentment out of your life.
I'd talk to a therapist first, to help you through to the next step. It may never have to be told to anyone else.
My only fear would be that this man is still doing this to someone, so you should tell someone that loves you what happened and let them help you.
I don't know your husband, but you need to talk to someone. It's not fair for your husband to not be able to comfort you, or for him to hurt you unintentionally. It's also not fair for you to have to carry this pain alone. Perhaps a therapist would help you find a way to come to terms with what happened and help you come up with a way to tell your husband.
As a child who was molested by my "Dad," I didn't heal until I did tell. I was 6 when it first happened and I kept it secret until I was 16 or 17. I felt so much relief when I did. The person I told was my boyfriend at the time, and he is now my husband. He took it well and convinced me to tell my Mom. I had gone through counseling and had come to a point where I needed to get my story out. How your husband responds obviously depends on him, but it isn't really fair to keep it from him. I pray that you can find a solution is best for you and pray that you find healing.
S.,
I'm sorry for what you've experienced.
It's the ultimate betrayal that a man would do that to his own granddaughter.
Know these two things:
1. He is sick.
2. None of what happened is your fault.
Please, please talk to a counselor or therapist.
Work through this with her and determine the best time and way to tell your husband.
He needs to know.
He loves you and this is part of your life.
Could you tell him very briefly in a matter of fact way so then he can decide how much he wants to know. If he's the type of man who will just go beserk, then maybe it can be a known fact it happened and he will know not to initiate sex at those times but he can kind of push it to the back of his mind. If he isn't like that, it could be incredibly healing for you to be able to talk to him about it and it will definitely help him understand your reaction. Personally I would absolutely have told my husband but that's bc I know him. The fact that your husband is good at listening and comforting you seems to indicate he's fairly sensitive and will be supportive and helpful vs seeing this as something that needs to change your marriage.
If you can get therapy, perhaps with a therapist that understand hispanic culture, that could help you a lot. You need help to deal with this feelings and make them less immediate. I was molested as a child and therapy helped a lot. I told my husband when we were dating - not details, just very basic, so that he would understand when I had reactions that had nothing to do with HIM. You don't have to give him gory details, but basic information will help him help you.
Sorry to hear about your past..:( I'm sure you have alot of unresolved feelings going on inside of you, but not wanting to have sex with your husband right after you've had a melt down would be how any woman would feel, molested or not....He is being insensitive and you need to tell him "babe, I'm really not horny after being upset.." Really!!! He needs to be more understanding rather than always try to take advantage of your vulnerable state....
You need to tell him. It's not right for him to not understand what is going on with you when you reject him. If he loves you, he will be understanding and it may serve to strenghen the bond between you.
I agree with what Amanda W. and others have said. Counseling is a good idea. Find someone experienced with this issue. I think you probably should tell him at some point but you may want some support first to do it. Also and excellent book to read and work with is The Courage to Heal and the workbook. Good luck.
Tell him! If you love him he deserves to be told it's not him or anything he has done.
~I love my husband with all that I am and I trust him with ALL my secrets.
You have to tell. There is no way you should carry this burden around by yourself and I'm sure your husband would be relieved to know that your rejection has nothing to do with him. I was also molested and while it doesn't cause me tears anymore, I told my husband (who is also Latin) so that he could understand that I don't like being pressured into sex or certain sexual acts. You did nothing wrong so you have nothing be ashamed of. Tell the truth and it will set you free!
You need to tell your husband what happened so that he understands why it is so hard for you sometimes to have sex. Also seek out counseling and therapy to help you get past what has happened and to build a new life.
My best to you. Your mate can't help unless he knows why.
The other S.
PS Get it out so that you can heal thyself.
I am so sorry for you've been through, and continue to live with. Please get counseling - it truly helps to process all of this with a professional. As for telling your husband - I wouldn't hesitate. Of course he needs to know. It will help him help you, and be there for you in the ways you need. There is nothing to be ashamed of - you were a child. I can't stress how much I recommend counseling. You've been carrying this alone for too long - let some people who care about you (your husband) and who have the tools to help you (a counselor) unload this weight. Think of it as an investment in yourself and your future happiness with your husband. It's so worth it. YOU'RE so worth it!
