Husband's Dad Cheating on Mom, What to Do?

I think it is important to remember that Mom may know about it and doesn't want to rock the boat. I've also read that some women don't want sexual relations with their husbands any more and have "released" their husbands in that aspect.

With that in mind, I think it is a great idea for the brothers to see a counselor to look at the options before them. Maybe it is to tell dad that they know beyond a doubt, they can't accept the dishonesty, they seek to understand why, and what he is doing about their mother. The counselor may help guide them in a way that makes sense. You and he don't need to live with that anger. Anger truly kills.

I think your husband needs to talk to someone to sort out his own feelings and concentrate on that.
Is he feeling more upset that his father has betrayed HIM in some way or is he more upset that his mother was betrayed?
You know, it really sucks when you are an adult and you realize that your parents' marriage is between them. Mom may very well know. She may be very well choosing to be in denial.
She is the wife.
Your husband needs to separate what his feelings are all about.
I do NOT condone having affairs, but if your father in law has always been a loving and adoring grandfather, that doesn't have to change. I mean, he's not a pedophile all the sudden.
If you cut him out of your daughter's life, how will you explain that when she's older? We didn't let him see you because he cheated on Grandma. (?).
This is a God's honest true story and many might not believe it, but in my family, there was a married couple. They had children. Everyone thought they were happy.
Everyone was wrong.
Mom had an affair with dad's best friend and got caught. The marriage ended in a bitter divorce and mom married her lover.
That's bad enough, but at the same time, dad fell in love with mom's best friend and then THEY got married.
Talk about scandalous!

My point is.....these people are now in their late 70's and 80's. They have remained married to their second spouses for almost 50 years.
Holidays can be a little trippy when the entire family gets together, but who are their kids or grandkids or great grandkids to judge them? After all this time?
Yes, there was hurt and betrayal, but just to cut them out when they made decisions in their own personal lives would have been sad.
They really are decent and devoted family members, good people who are respected in the community.
It wasn't easy.
The kids weren't adults when this was all going on with their parents.
Maybe it's harder for adult children to grasp these things, I don't know.
If your mother in law isn't confiding in you, I think you should be careful how you tread. It's not your marriage.
Your husband has a right to his feelings, but he should get some help sorting them out.

Just my opinion.

Honestly, their relationship is none of yours or your husband's business. Unless the mom comes to you upset & wanting help/advice or the dad comes looking for an alaby or something, stay out of it. Things are not always the way they seem & if there are other circumstances going on and your hubby & bro in law jump to conclusions that could be even more challenging. Be there for your hubby but I would encourage him to move past it.

Well he is dealing with betrayal and lost trust among many other emotions.
That is his Dad.
Who is no longer looked upon very well.

His Dad already denied it. Your Husband already confronted him.

Mostly, if he can just 'get' that his Dad is a lying cheat. Even if the Dad admits that, what is that going to change? Nothing. His Dad cheated. The deed has been done or is still happening.

No one knows, how his Dad and Mom are, in their relationship.
I really, don't think confronting them all, is going to heal things or even make things better. It may even make things worse.

Your Husband does not trust his Dad. That is valid.

Your Husband could have a man to man talk, with is Dad, telling him that he is fed up with the lies and does not want to expose his dear daughter... to him. Because his actions and behavior/lifestyle, is not, healthy... for all.

Your Husband can see a Counselor. Of his choosing. It has to be of HIS choosing... because this is his issue and he has to own it. Which I am sure he does.
But having bitterness... is going to affect his own family and daughter.
So, perhaps if you explain that to him... he will understand.
Don't 'attack' him. But merely in a loving way, sympathize with him and inject that, bitterness long held, will affect you/his daughter/ himself... and your family.
Ask your Husband, to heal and help make your family 'healthy.' Again.

Your Husband is suffering a "loss." It is a form of 'grieving.' So understand that.
And anger/bitterness... is one step of grieving.
There are community "grief support groups" in many States.
Maybe he can attend one of those.
When my Dad died, my Mom attended a grief support group. In that group, she said there were MANY people experiencing MANY types of "Grief." Divorce, death, estrangement, etc.
ALL of these, are forms of 'grieving.'
Your Husband, is going through a lot.

all the best,
Susan

This is none of your business, and from what you have said, doesn't affect his relationship with you or his grandchild one iota. MYOB, and if your husband needs to vent about it, send him to a therapist or a friend's house so you don't have to hear about it.

My husband and I learned long ago that our parent's and friend's relationships with each other are NOT our business, and we keep our noses out of such things. Likewise, ours is not theirs to concern themselves with, except for giving us small bits of wisdom and support when we ask (like taking the kids so we can get away).

It may be too painful for his mother to talk about it, it may be that they are swinging, it may be that they have another arrangement similar to "approved" cheating, they may be poly (you don't know do you?) but their sex life is private and none of anyone else's business.

This will either continue as the status quo or it will blow up. If it blows up, that's your cue to offer support.

This is how I see it. The relationship between your husband's mother and father is THEIRS. Not your husbands. Parents do not share everything about their feelings and relationships with their children, even if they are adults. Being angry with dad is not helpful or productive, and will keep dad from confiding in his son if he should want to for fear of judgement. How do you know what has gone on in their relationship, what their level of intimacy is, or lack thereof. Perhaps Mom has had no interest in a sexual relationship and dad is finding it elsewhere. Whatever the reasons are, they are his dads, and if there is "sin", that is also his fathers. Remember the lessons of our heavenly father, and judge not. His is not the place to judge. His is to love his father and his mother. Is mom being neglected in some way? If she has heard it and chooses to do nothing, that is her right to do so. I hope he can find charity and love in his heart for his father, despite him doing something his son finds morally reprehensible.

For one, I wouldn't cast his father out of your daughter's life entirely. He maybe can't trust him to babysit alone or whatever, but you can still do family outings.... it would be sad to distance from the family over this, especially with the pain and embarrassment his mother is already feeling.

Perhaps he can talk to his mom about it, especially if she already knows.... and if she doesn't know, she needs too. If she is in denial, she probably just needs support and no one judging her for it. I would certainly confront his dad about it. Not in an accusing or angry way, but I would stay calm and ask him if it is continuing and if he has been up front with his mother about it. I would tell him how disappointed I was and that his actions are making you doubt whether his grandchildren should be a part of his life.

Really, you can't change people. Your husband rehashing this over and over again isn't going to change anything and isn't going to make things better. If his parents deny, not much can be done. Really it isn't your husbands problem, it's between his parents and he needs to let them deal with it. I really agree, he should see a counselor over this.

I do not ever condone affairs. You took a vowel before God and need to honour that vowel and your spouse. However I am aware that my hubby and I are old fashioned in that manner. Some people choose to have open marriages, some choose to be swingers...whatever to each their own. I don't really care what other people are doing in their bedroom. I'm only concerned with what is happening in mine ;D It sounds as if your MIL is aware of the situation and has chosen to stay in the marriage. I'm sure she has her reasons and your hubby needs to respect her feelings. I'm quite sure she would be humiliated to find out that her children know. If it bothers your hubby he should speak with his father again. Make it clear that he knows for a fact Dad is straying and make certain that Dad has come clean with Mom. If as I suspect Mom knows and has decided to stay in the marriage that is her choice. Your husband will need to accept that this is his parents marriage and it is a totally separate entity from the relationship they have with their sons. Now on the other hand if Dad hasn't told Mom then as her son he has the right to insist she be told. I would want to protect my Mother too. Lord only knows what kinds of protection Dad is using if any at all and I too would be worried about my Mother's health in all of this.

Each relationship is different. There are many couples out there who have a great marriage yet they do not have sex with one another yet they "swing" so to say. I personally don't believe in this type of behavior but this is my own personal experience/belief.
Most of society is in the same area of that you make a commitment to one person-but not ALL of society. Times are changing which unfortunately this makes me sad because I feel like marriage should be a sacred thing but .....its not my life to live like that and if both couples are in agreement with this arangement and it works for them then I guess by all means do it but I honestly feel like they shouldn't be married at all if that is the type of life they want to live. That is just my personal opinion though.
With the father denying it which almost every single cheater does that would lead me to believe he doesn't want "her" to know or maybe perhaps he was trying to protect his son from the hurt-IDK. I honestly don't get a cheaters mindset. All I know is that they are very selfish. This could have been going on off and on for many years and she just grew accustomed to it, ignores it, or just simply deny's it-as a woman I bet she knows-most women do. I think your husband has an obligation to at least press to see if she even knows because he is putting her health at risk if they are still having sex with one another-even if its spareingly. If she already knows then at least that is her decision to stay or to leave. On the other hand maybe the family needs to totally step outside and leave it alone because its not anyone else's business is what most people would say and I understand that but if she doesn't know then he is putting her at risk which isn't fair. I wouldn't want to have to be the person to tell my own mother my own father was cheating on her without her not having a clue about it. This is a tough situation and your husband yes he needs to go and talk to a professional about it because it is effecting his relationship with his father which in turn is also going to affect your children's relationship with their grandfather. IT is his choice.....there is nothing your husband, you, or anyone else for that matter can say to change that. He chooses to be unfaithful and lie to his family. He himself has some issues that need to be looked into as well....your husband could offer him to go to some family counseling but if he is still in denial mode I doubt it will happen. I'm so sorry your family has to go through this. What most cheaters don't realize is that you are not hurting just the person you are with but everyone involved which usually means kids and you know what it doesn't matter if those kids are full grown or smaller-it still hurts just the same. MAybe when the kids are smaller it tends to be more challenging than if they are already grown but it doesn't change anything or the hurt involved. I feel so sorry for his mother if she doesn't know and then for her son to be the one to tell her?? OMG-I just can't imagine the hurt. Maybe if she does know and is in denial about it though her son coming to her might just be a wake up call. Geez what a bad situation!

His father has breached his relationship and trust w/ his wife and that is the relationship that has been harmed. However, he has already breached the trust that his children (grown or not) had in him. It is reasonable for them to be upset.

He and his brother need to confront their dad again and if they have proof, let himm know that proof is. Demand that he tell his wife so they can move on (either together or apart as they see fit).

I am sure part of your husband's angst is that he know what his mother does not. He should also let his father know how he feels about it (disappointed etc). Additionally, counseling could help.

All the the relationships should remain intact (he's still your daughter's grandfather, he's still your FIL, etc.).

I am sorry your husband is so angry. However, must say that you have to stay out of it. This is between your husband and his family of origin and you must respect his wishes.

The people who have to deal with this are his father and mother. If your husband and his brother have love for their parents (and from your note he confronted his dad) then it is now up to dad to rectify this and mom to acknowledge it. I am also certain from your comment that she knows and is waiting for it to go away. You can love people in spite of their horrible imperfections. Funny we all have them. Your relationship with his dad is not based on his sex life, his love life or his life with his wife. It is based on who he is. He is whomever he is and that includes his lying and cheating self. He probably is completely ashamed or would not deny it. He doesn't want to hurt MIW or he wouldn't deny it. He is now stuck it appears. Has he shown you or your husband that he can't be trusted? He is having a relationship with another woman not your husbands mom. That part of his life is not your part of life. Does he indicate that he does not want to be a grandparent? Is he not reliable in other cases? I of course could say,wow, what a dirty dog and yes he is, but he and your mother in law will work this out. Good or bad. The worse thing in our lives is taking sides when we don't know all of the facts. But you can remain neutral for now and still include him in family visits, special occasions, etc. especially if MIL is still wishing that all will work out. She needs that kind of support. Of course we will all probably agree what a cad he is, but MIL needs you and that probably means including Dad.