Should I Leave

Unequal commitment is going to be an issue and you deserve to be in an equal relationship. He has no reason to commit to you because he already has all the benefits of marriage with none of the responsibility. I would hold out for someone who respects me enough to marry me.

I've never known a relationship where both people were equally in love. Someone always loves the other just a little bit more. The fact that his heart hasn't flipped doesn't mean squat. Love is different each time we fall. And yes part of his heart may still be with the ex, she is the mother of his children, but the question is can you live with the other parts of his heart or do you need it all? People get married because they believe they are madly in love, but end up in misery because love doesn't mean you both will agree on anything including long term goals. People who marry because they have mutual respect, care for eachother, want to be in eachothers lives and have the same long term goals stay together forever, as they understand eachother and eachothers limitations. I'd find out what he truly means by getting married when he feels right about it. Remember he was married once before and could just be afraid to stick his feet back into the fire.

Unfortunately, this is a hard one to answer by anyone but yourself. You cannot make someone "be in love" with you and you should both "be in love" at this point, it's been a year and only a year and this is the "honeymoon period." You deserve to be with someone who is in love with you, and why waste your time? Too many people waste years waiting for the other person to feel the same way they do and the other never does. Again, it is your decision, but don't you think you deserve more? I think that is the question you need to ask yourself. Good luck, I know it's hard, but do what is the best for you and your children.

I could never be with a person who said that he was not in love with me. Maybe he is confused about his feelings. I would get my own place. If things are going to happen either way it is going to happen then. It does take two to make a marriage work and if he is saying this kind of thing after just a year then who knows what he will say after two or three. Things always work for a reason and time can give you an answer. I think that if you fold and deal with the "I am not in love with you" thing then he will think he can say other hurtful things to you later on. I would not be able to handle the fact that he is in love with his childrens' mother. I realize he says he is not but can you deal with that lingering thought all the time?! Whatever you decide I wish you happiness. I know that this is a hard situation.

The answer to your question is the answer to this question "Do you feel ALL your needs (physical, emotional and monetarily) are being met?" If they are then stay, if not, its time to move on. You will never be truly happy with yourself/him/the relationship if you do not feel your needs are being met.

Good luck!

I know if someone told me they didnt love me it would make me not want to be with them, after a year that is a very hurtful thing to say....Does he care about you? does he spend time with you and treat you right? if he does maybe in time he'll love you but in my experience your just the person who is there hes use to you. I know you love him but there are tons of fish in the sea!

I think it's too easy to say:"leave". There are many reasons why people stay in relationships. Some are in love, some love the security, some are best friends, some do it for companionship, others do it to share hardships and support each other throughout life. I am not saying that you should not want to have your man madly in love with you...that would be the best thing, of course. What I am trying to say is that sometimes there are other important reasons that keep two people together. Do you and your mate have same goals, interests, taste, ways to raise your children? Do you have fun together? Do you laugh together? Is sex good together? All of these, besides "being in love" are VERY important things that keep two people together. I have the feeling that if you took his security away from him (he knows you are the one more in love of the two) he would totally freak out and will stop to say that he is not in love with you. In a couple there's always one of the two more in love than the other, except few, rare cases. The core of the matter is not to weigh out who's more in love than the other, but whether or not you are both 100% in the relationship. So my advice (or what I'd do anyways) is to let him talk and to progressively pay attention to the way he acts, rather than anything else. If his "not being in love " translates into neglecting his relationship with you, then I would definitely think that the end is near...but if it's just his way to say that he has never felt "the butterflies in the stomach" for you I would not make a big deal out of it. Many people have a hard time understanding their feelings and they are confused on what being in love should feel like. If your life together is great, I bet he would be scared to death to lose you, even without those butterflies!
Why don't you ask him to tell you what are those FABOULOUS qualities that YOU have and that make him CHOOSE to be with you even without considering himself in love? Chances are he just forgot and i bet it'll be VERY useful to remind him! Good luck.

I was in a relationship with a guy for two years. We never lived together but would spend all of our free time together. We vacationed together and dated each other exclusively. He never told me that he loved me ( I did not care because I felt his actions spoke for him) I believed I loved him.
As time went on we went on people started to ask, when are you guys going to get married. I wanted to be married very much but always made it seem as though I did not care, I did not want to be married or things were fine the way they were. But inside I really wanted more, I would ask him if we would ever get married and he would say he did not want to be married nor did he want kids.
After more time went by I decided that I did not want to be in a relationship where I was not getting my needs met because I wanted more. And there was nothing left for me to do but to leave. I came to the conclustion that I would rather be alone than to deal with someone who could not and would not give me the family that I was seeking. I was not going to waste the best years of my life (waste my youth) in a dead end relationship. So, I ended the relationship. And there was no turning back for me.
Well, after some months he begin to call me, tell me everything that I wanted to hear and say he needed me.
to make a long story short, we have now been married 15 years and we have two children. We are happy. Turned out that he did not want to lose me so he caved.
So, maybe you should leave. See what happens, if he really loves you he will change and if not, maybe this is not the relationship for you.

I think Silvia said it very well. There are a lot of things other than love that make a relationship.

You need to know that he will always have feeling for his children's mother and that will never change. Can you accept that?

What are your long term goals? What are his? Do you eventually want to get married to him? Do you want to have a child with him? Do you share many of the same interest (other than the children)? Does he have the same long terms goals that you have? If he does, than you should continue with the relationship. However, if you have dreams of marraige and he doesn't, you should consider parting ways.

Hi D.,
If your boyfriend, whom you have been with for over a year, has admitted that he is not in love with you, in my opinion I would leave.

Ask yourself if this is a relationship of convenience for him. If you are helping with the bills etc. then of course things are basically stable for both of you financially.

Regardless of what his reasoning is you shouldn't be wasting your time in a relationship that possibly may not go anywhere.

If you are able to get your own place, I would do that. If he truly loves you, he will realize his mistake and not want to loose you. It's better to find out now than later on down the road. I wish you the best.

My heart goes out to you. It's heartbreaking to be in this situation. You said that you share a house; are you in a situation that you can leave without disrupting your life and your kids lives too much? If so, I think you should consider it. He sounds like a good man, but you could be waiting for a long time and you deserve better.
If you aren't able to pack up and move without a lot of disruption, I'd say to start preparing to distance yourself. Start putting some money away for moving expenses, rent, childcare if necessary. Make a list of what you'll need before you go, and make sure you have it. It wouldn't be a bad thing to try and emotionally distance yourself as well. Try to focus on yourself and your kids (and even his kids) and less on him. That way you will be better prepared when leaving. And who knows...maybe if he sees you pulling away emotionally, it will give him the insight as to how lucky he is to have you in his life. Stranger things have happened! :)
Are the kids close to him? Are his kids close to you? If so, make sure you speak with them before you leave to help them understand that it doesn't have anything to do with them.
No matter what you decide, I wish you the best. Good luck and God bless!

You deserve to be with someone who loves you...no question about that! Your kids also deserve to grow up seeing their mother happy and in love. But, like Amber said, no one can make this decision for you...but you deserve to have someone love you back!

There is a book I think everyone in a serious relationship needs to read. This might work for you, it's call the Love Dare. Even if your not married then you need to read it if you ever plan on getting married. Especially before you get married. Go to www.thelovedarebook.com I'm not sure how religious you and him are but me and my husband were in the same boat and it also brings somethings into perspective a little. Or watch the movie fireproof. I hope things get better for you! And for the record you do deserve someone who will give you the same love you have given them. Best Wishes!

You deserve better. I vote "leave." Especially if you have no kids together. Leave. The kids will suffer another loss, but live and learn for next time. Good luck!

This is awful, but you have to face up to the fact that if he doesn't love you "that way" now, he never will. You will always be second best. There is someone out there who will love you best. Their heart will flip over you. It will be hard, but you have to do it. I know from experience. What he is really trying to tell you is that he wants to break up, but he wants you to do it so he won't hurt you! FYI I've been married to a wonderful man for almost ten years after that. HE is out there! GOOD LUCK!

I think your biggest question should be why is he telling you he does not love you? Is it because you are pushing for Marriage? Is it just to hurt you, when you tell him you love him? If the relationship is good and you can live with it, there are marriages based on less, but listen to what he is saying. My advise is do not ever stay assuming you are going to change him. He may still have strong feelings for his ex but that is over, I would not dwell on it or keep bringing it up to him. Just make sure you take care of you always. I would make sure you are able to take care of yourself and your children if things do not work out. I know it is heartbreaking, just remember you are a wonderful woman who is in charge of her own happiness. Good luck.

Here's my advice, take it or leave it...

Try the Love Dare on him (from the movie Fireproof), works best if he doesn't know you're doing it ;) and basically, if you want him to love you, then you have to fall in love with yourself. Don't make everything about him, find your own happiness in other things/hobbies, work out and be healthy, this helps in two ways, it will either make you more attractive to him and he'll take a second look, or if he continues to be a dud you will get self-confident enough to realize that you deserve better! If you do those things in addition to the Love Dare (and lots of prayer) then leave it in God's hands...

If I were you I'd give it about 3 months at least before you decide something big like leaving him...at least by then you'll know you've tried your best and you've given him such a pleasant few months that I can almost guarantee he'll probably regret letting you slip through his fingers eventually.

Good luck! You deserve someone who is head over heels for you, but it is not realistic to think that the butterflies in the stomach type of love will last forever...it takes work to maintain that kind of passion and excitement, a lot of work! Love is more about putting the other person first...but then again, if you're not even married yet and already the passion and excitement has worn off...I can guarantee marriage won't make that better...

What a difficult and heart-wrenching situation. Being a romance editor, I believe in happily ever after. I am afraid at some point he would find the one person who does make his heart flip and you would be even more heartbroken. It sounds as if you'd both be settling--you deserve to be loved by someone who is in love with you, and he is content with you, but may not be in the future. I would suggest taking some time apart (a few weeks at least to allow yourselves the time to acclimate to being apart and see how each of you feels) and reevaluate. Can you live without him? Can he live without you? It sounds like he does care for you since he treats you right, but what would it feel like if you found The One? My heart hurts for you and I wish you happiness no matter what happens.

My husband of fifteen years told me that. I believe I had the zap then and he didn't. I was crazy and madly in love with him, almost immediately. He however, told me that he thought I was nice at first, well now!! totally different. Don't know what happened but we have had a good marriage, are eachother's best friends' and he helped me raise my children. My body hasn't been quite the same since I had a hysterectomy ( uterine cancer - fine now so far) but we still do the hoochey coochy not quite as often. Maybe he wanted to feel secure before he really let himself fall in love? You know, if you ever should marry, do not be in love by yourself, be in 'like' together with your best friend on earth.