Should I Have Given Fair Warning?

I see nothing wrong with what you did. I would have done the same thing, and probably will soon because I too am getting sick and tired of telling my girls things over and over. Like you said the teachers don't baby them and they need to learn. Good job:)

If I read correctly, you had a conversation that ended in "I had discussed that I needed her to get ready the first time I told her."

She got what she deserved ... from now on only tell her ONCE PERIOD.

Good for you. You did JUST the right thing. I will bet you that NEXT time, things will go a bit differently...so, again, good for you.

Missing out because she farted around getting ready is a good way to learn via natural consequences.
And if she learns by missing something non-critical like a party, rather than something like a test at school, so much the better.
I don't think you did anything wrong.

Sorry - you are a better mom than me. I would NOT have taken her. That's the consequence of the decision you made - YOU CHOSE TO DAWDLE...

I HATE to be late. It's RUDE to be late.

You DID give her fair warning...you told her you needed to leave the house at 1800. She is a big girl and knows how to read a clock. Tell your husband to pound sand and quit coddling her.

If she fails to get ready on time - she needs to suffer the consequences of her choices and actions. it's time for her to grow up. I would tell her the rules from this point forward are "YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR KEEPING TRACK OF TIME" and if you fail - I will not jump through a hoop to get you out of trouble.

If she doesn't learn it now - she never will. Being late is RUDE. She has had you and your husband coddling her and ALLOWING her to dawdle. Now no more. Yes, it will be a bumpy ride. But really. You can't babysit her for the rest of her life. She will have to learn time management. And now is that time.

Good luck!

I'm actually with you on this one.

Next time, all you have to do is say "sweetie, here's your one and only heads up...we need to leave in 1 hour. Please remember what happened LAST time."

The more you let her deal with the natural consequences of her dawdling, the better.

My 12yr old had similar issues getting ready for school. She missed the bus one morning because of it and had to get a ride with the neighbors. This was mortifying to her, I guess. Now, she leaves the house at the exact *second* she needs to. Every morning. No more "reminding" on my part, no more "YOU'RE GOING TO BE LAAAATE!!!" yelling, it's all on her. And it's wonderful!

I have also left my son at home instead of letting him come out to dinner with us because he wouldn't get off his computer while we were SITTING IN THE CAR waiting for him. We just left, then called him at home to tell him we were gone and that he could make himself a sandwich for dinner. He couldn't believe we'd just left him, but he did learn his lesson.

I think your husband is wrong. She's 11, not 5. In sixth grade, for crying out loud. He shouldn't have gotten mad at you - he should have had your back and supported what you'd done.

I think you did EXACTLY what you should have! Well done.

If you had done this to a 5 year old, I'd say you were being a little harsh. However, you say this is your 11 year old. At that age, she should know how to manage time. You gave her plenty of notice. I think this is a good lesson for her. I'd say it would have been an even better lesson if she could have missed out on an activity completely as in - you're leaving to go to the Mall, park, pool, some place fun, etc. and give her the 15 minute warning. As in - I'm leaving for the X in 15 minutes. If you're not ready to go, then I'm leaving without you. (Presuming you can leave her home with someone). After 15 minutes, if she's not ready to go, I'd leave without her. Next time, she'll just have to learn to listen and act the FIRST time. Natural consequences and life skills she'll need. It's a terrible habit to be disrespectful of other people's time. This is something she should learn now.

Sounds like you did an excellent job to me. Your right in that they won't put up with it in school. You ROCKED!

Fair.

Said by a Mom with a 7 year old and 6 year old who are constantly ignoring my requests to get ready, or help pack their bags, or whatever. I'm starting this approach now so that I'm not STILL nagging them when they are 11.

You DID give her fair warning - at 5:30.
SOME parents would have said 'if you are not ready to leave at 6pm, then you are not going' instead of her arriving at the party merely late.
A little mean? Maybe.
Would it have been a memorable lesson? You bet.
And how DARE your husband attempt to make you feel guilty.
He needs to be on the same page with this.
Does HE have to remind her multiple times about anything or does she not ignore him like she does you?
My husband is the first to tell our son to get his behind in gear because he has very little tolerance for any disrespect shown to either of us.
Hubby doesn't have to say much anymore because our son doesn't procrastinate at this point.
I would have begun this a few years ago when she was 9.
By 11 she should have some more consideration than to ignore you.

Your husband and you need to sit down and hash this out. When you allow her to rule the household with her behavior, you are justifying her behavior. Yelling at her is negative attention, which she is using against you. She is punishing YOU for the yelling by continuing to ignore you until the last minute.

Quite frankly, you should not have even taken her to the party. If you take away the fun stuff because of dawdling, she will stop doing it as a matter of course.

If your husband is arguing with you, she wins. Work it out with your husband first. Then start giving her REAL consequences. She is too old to get away with this now.

Good luck!
Dawn

i think you were absolutely correct.
not, mind you, if this was just a one time wake up call.
but if you make this HER problem, she will find her solutions.
it's fine to give her one warning, but you already did that. that WAS fair warning.
your husband is enabling.
khairete
S.

You did everything right. She is in 6th grade and should not have to be told to get ready. Yes we are leaving at 6. That's all I would have done. She needs to be more responsible. She is not give years old.

She suffered natural consequences. She is more likely to learn a lesson that way. You did fine.

I don't think you did anything wrong. However, I do think you should sit her down. Tell her that from now own, you will tell her once. After that, it's up to her. I suggest this only so there is no confusion in the future. Does she have a watch or a phone? You can suggest she set alarms for certain times. Like, at 5:30 an alarm could have gone off reminding her she needs to leave at 6:00. Really though, she is 11. You should NOT have to tell her more then once. I do agree, that you have been a crutch. She is used to you bailing her out. I think that needs to stop, but you do need to tell her, and tell her why.

BEFORE you sit her down, you and dad need to be on the same page about this.

You did it just right, she needs to face the natural consequences of her poor choices. Your husband was wrong to try to lay it on you, you did give her fair warning, you gave her 30 minutes notice and she chose to not get ready, that is one her, not you.

You didn't do anything wrong... you discussed with her the day before about her ignoring you.

So..... hopefully you taught her a lesson. Maybe next time she will stop what she is doing and get ready when you say so.

Stick to your guns. At this point, tell her that from now on you will only tell her ONE TIME that she needs to get ready.... if she chooses to ignore you, or dawdle, she will be late to things. If it is important enough to her, she will learn.

It's my opinion that she's simply been allowed to get away with this for far too long.

She's 11. Telling her what time the party is, what time you have to leave, what she has to get done before you leave.......that's "fair" warning, if you ask me.

Some might think I'm mean, but if she didn't have it together, I would assume it wasn't that important to her and she would have stayed home.

I didn't mess around with my kids.
I had a son who liked to dawdle in the morning.
On one hand, I couldn't blame him because I've never been a morning person myself, but I was a single mom with two kids and a full time job.
There was no time for dawdling.

I gave him "fair warning" that if he wasn't dressed and ready by the time he heard my keys jingle on my way to warm up the car, he would go to school in his pajamas or underpants or whatever he had on when it was time to go.

He knew I was dead serious. I wasn't the one who was going to be embarrassed if he showed up to school in pajamas.

By 11, I had no problems with him being dressed and ready for things because from the time he was little, he knew he'd either go not dressed or he wouldn't go at all.

You and your husband need to be on the same page about this.
Your daughter isn't a baby. She knows how to tell time. As she gets older, time management is a necessary skill. Being on time for a birthday party is the least of her worries. She needs to think about school projects and the time given to complete them without waiting until the very last minute and freaking out because she's not prepared. Time management skills will serve her well in the working world.

These skills begin at home.

I, personally, don't see anything wrong with what you did, but at her age, I likely wouldn't have taken her at all. She dawdled, was late, and it appears the opinion is that no harm was done. I have a different view of that, but that's just my opinion.

I don't see anything you did as "unfair" punishment.
I don't really see any punishment at all.

No offense.

Keep working with her and stick to what you say.

Best wishes.

I think you did the right thing. Just have a talk with her about how she needs to take some responsibility and you are not going to baby her anymore. Make sure she has a clock in her room and a watch. Tell her you will let her know once but it is up to her to get ready. After she has been late a few times she will get it and start making up her own mind to pay attention and get ready in time!

You were correct in what you did. It's called natural consequences. She's been counting on you to be her reminder and her alarm clock, but she's old enough to begin figuring this out on her own and listening to you the first time you give a warning. The first warning is ample time for her to begin budgeting her time.

I was thinking when I opened your question that she would be 6 or 7 years old, but when I saw that she's 11 years old I thought, "Definitely past time."

It would be different if she were UNABLE to do this and had organizational issues and were scatter-brained. Has she always been like this? How is she with homework? How do her teachers describe her? Do her organizational issues affect her at school as well as at home? If so you might want to consider having her evaluated for ADD or ADHD.

Well done.

PERFECT example of natural consequences
AND gradually increasing responsibility

Telling her you're not going to tell her again invites debate (Please? Just call me in 5? / Why not? / But..../ etc.) AND is "insulting" (if she chose to take it that way, and puberty in gear, 9:10 it would be taken as an insult Ben where none is meant).

EITHER takes the responsibility out if her court, and lands it back in yours.

You did well.

Your daughter is growing up.

Pefrectly age appropriate.
Great instincts.
Keep it up.

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The ONLY suggestion I'd make (which I suspect youre doing anyway( to KEEP this as a positive & gradually increasing levels of responsibly sphere (instead of her being able to match onto you as a target to get mad at, instead of learning to alter her own behavior).... Is no matter HOW mad she gets at you in the beginning (if at all), or how freaked out she is, or how "whatever" she may get (all 3 defense mechanisms that will fade as she learns to trust you).... Is

Keep Calm & Carry On

If she's late for school, parties, activities, etc... She WILL learn to be on time. (Even ADHD types learn to be *mostly* on time). Just keep doing what you're doing, then when she's ready, smile in and out the door.

Again, it keeps the focus on her, instead of her defending herself from disappointment, scorn, punishment, etc.

It also helps for you to talk to her like a friend in these instances. Relate times of your own, in your own life. Not lectures but

"Oh, I HATE it when I sleep through my alarm." Etc.

This makes you an ally she can turn to for advice, instead of an adversary who is judging her.

Its still parenting. Its just beginning the transfer into the mentor role, instead of the authoritarian role. It happens in little bits and pieces. 95% young child parent, 5% mentor. 82% little kid parent, 18% mentor. 67% little kid parent 23% mentor.

I'm SURE dad was well meaning, but that's setting up am adversarial relationship. While micromanaging is Great for toddlers (builds trust), awful for teens (breaks trust).

Keep Calm & Carry On.

You've got this.

You have GREAT instincts.

I'm late in chiming in here but Yes I think you did the right thing. I mean good grief how many times can you keep taking the responsibility to remind her? Lesson is if you don't get there in time then you miss out. Period. Next time, get ready on time and you won't miss out. Period.
We teach our children to be self sufficient. They are not going to have people around to remind them of everything in life.
I think you did fine.

I tell my kids when they are only getting one chance and I make them tell me they understand what I am saying to them. I mostly have to do this with my 5 year old, since the other two have gotten it. If they are not ready to go, we don't go. If they are not dressed in time, I pick their clothes. If they don't get breakfast at home before school. they have to eat at school. On and on...

So at 11, I think she knows better and you didn't do anything wrong. You still took her, but she had her freak out moment. She didn't lose out and you made your point. Talk with her and tell her what your expectations are. She is responsible for herself and her actions, let her know that. Tell her you will not continue to tell her multiple times to get ready or do things. You have 11 years of a learned behavior to change. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.

I agree with what you did. You shouldn't have to remind her 3 times to get ready. You told her to get ready in plenty of time and it's her fault for being late. Your husband is wrong. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. She will learn soon. Just keep up the 1 and only warning and let her take responsibility for her own actions.

I probably would have told her with yesterday's conversation that you would no longer be giving her more than one "heads up", but I don't think it was worth your husband getting so upset over. I'm pretty sure it would have played out EXACTLY the same way, even if you HAD told her she was only getting one notice. As far as I'm concerned, it wasn't a life-changing event, so why sweat it? You being on time to work is MUCH more important than her being on time to a birthday party, and if this is the way to get her to learn to be on time, then so be it.

ETA: After reading someone else's response, I realize I didn't read closely enough. I think by telling her in yesterday's conversation that she needs to get ready the first time you tell her was enough of a "fair warning." You are entirely in the right.

Setting anyone up to fail is an ignorant response. You have to teach children to be responsible, if they are not, keep teaching. Teaching them they will always fail just destroys self esteem and what would be the point of that?
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Come on, she is your step daughter, she has ADHD and you cannot will it out of her. Ask her what she needs to get ready on time and give it to her. Do not try to control her but teach her to control herself.

You are absolutely 100% right in this case. She has come to count on you telling her 1, 2, 3 times so she ignores the first and second times. People act like they do because it works. When it stops working, they change their behavior.

I would have another discussion and tell her that the days of multiple warnings are over. She's able to tell time and her making you late could have dire consequences for you and your job. Tell her what time the car leaves and if she doesn't want to walk to school, she better be sitting in it before that time.

You have to be ready to follow through on your threats and allow her to fail. Once she sees you're serious, she'll step up. It is critical that your husband agrees to support you and hold her accountable too.

The book "Love And Logic, The Teenage Years" advocates doing exactly what you did. It's an excellent book and I highly recommend it.

YOU GO MAMA! You did great! You will never have to say it twice again. Dad will just have to suck it up. His baby girl will grow up!

I think you did the right thing. I would keep doing it until the message is clear! I am going to do that also here. My son waits until the last min. all the time. I am a on time type of person!!

Ya know what!!! I did this to my son last night...He was invited to go over a friends house at 6pm. I told him at 5pm to get ready. 6 15 he came in my room all in a panic wondering how come we did not get him. He got in the shower at 6 15. He was late....oh well!!!

I sat him down and said from now on I will tell you one time. If your not ready to go at the given time I am not going out of my way and making myself late for things because your ignoring me. I will leave without you or not take you where you want to go. He said ok mom all you had to do was tell me....lol I said I have been telling you, but also treating you like a baby. Time to show your responsible.

Its a learning process.

Oh-this is a timely question!
I've been debating whether its worth a school "tardy" or two to make this point! Lol

(Bet ya' she's ready EARLY next time!)

Fair, and I don't always give complete "fair warning" to my soon-to-be 4 year old. Time she learns the world may not always go by her clock. The 7th grade teachers won't baby her or tell her multiple times.

I read this week in a parenting magazine that our job as parents isn't to always make things easy for our children, but to push them towards being responsible persons, even if and when they fail. You letting her take her time, not listen to you when you told her when you were leaving, and being late was a consequence of HER actions and is good for her. Use it as a learning tool and keep it up.

Life won't always be so kind, she still got to go to the party, another parent would have said, "We needed to leave at 6:00, we're not going," as a teacher or someone else may sometime tell her in some form. Learning the lesson now will help her deal with reality in years to come.

No, this is the only way she will learn. Your husband should show a united front with YOU. If he thinks it was unfair, how would he like to be the driver and/or also the HEAVY!

You might consider getting your girl a TIMER (kitchen timer) with a really loud ring.

I can see both sides, but ultimately, I agree with you. Life isn't always fair. We don't always get fair warning. Being late is a natural consequence of screwing around.

Have you discussed what happened yesterday with your daughter? You can always apologize for changing the rules so abruptly, but also tell her why. That you were sick and tired of reminding her when she didn't listen to you anyway. That this is what's going to happen from now on. She gets one warning and that's it. That she's old enough to be on time for things and that you're not going to wait for her anymore.

I think you had it right. It's just what she needed. You did give fair warning, it just wasn't "This is it, I am telling you now exactly what I expect. You have to wrap the gift, get yourself ready, and be in the vehicle at 6pm to be on time. If you don't do any of those things you will be late or miss the party completely". I think if you do this and say specifically what is going to happen it is less trouble.

BUT she doesn't listen. She knows where your boundaries are and knows she exactly how far she can push you, and she will push you that far each and every time you allow her to do so.

I had a therapist ask my daughter, it was right after hubby and I got married, how often I would give in to her whining if she kept at it. She said at least 80% of the time I caved if she kept bugging me about it.

So he tested it in session one day. She asked me if she could walk to McDonalds, it's just next door to his office and she was 12 or 13. I didn't feel right about her walking there and me not being able to watch her. She was a wild child that was pretty much uncontrollable. So I had learned she needed constant observation most of the time our she'd be outside the boundaries I had set out.

I wavered after she bugged me for about 10 minutes. I finally let her go just to have some peace. He told me what they had done, he wanted to prove a point to me. I learned right then and there that if I was unsure I needed to say "let me think about it a few minutes" then if she kept bugging me tell her that if she asked again the answer was a firm "NO". If I was okay with it but with conditions I needed to say so and lay out the expectations clearly.

So.....now that I have Love and Logic behind me and use it the best that I can, often to my own dismay, I think you did exactly the correct thing. She was the only one to miss out and she made herself late. You gave her plenty of warnings, you told her what your expectations were, she ignored you because she expected you to blow up, yell, get her moving, etc...and she'd be there on time and you'd be angry and miserable.

So you did right momma.

One thing that I did one morning was a bit harsh but it worked. I have an 8 year old granddaughter that is slower than molasses on a very cold day in the mornings. She gets started at 6:45 and is often still in the bed at 7:30 with me screaming and yelling for her to get in the vehicle. She stands around in a daze and is often left at home while hubby takes the boy to school then he comes back for her. So she gets dry cereal in a cup to eat in the car along with half a banana or something instead of eating with her friends at school.

After taking the L&L classes this last time I decided she was going to learn what my boundaries are in the morning. One day I did not yell. I told her she would be getting in the vehicle at 7:30 regardless of what she had on, that I was tired of yelling at her and her being late to morning assembly every day.

I let her got. At 7:25 she was still in her jammies and pull up. She had not brushed her hair or teeth, life was pretty much normal for us. So I got behind her in an un-obvious way. Hubby was by the door. I sort of used my body to herd her out the door onto the porch.

I shut the door and she went crazy trying to get back in the house, she was frantic. BUT she has never once since had to be told she was going to school in her jammies if she didn't get ready on time.

You just have to make some changes. Don't say no unless you sincerely mean it. Don't say no if you think it might be okay if you just had time to think about it. Say you need some time to think about it and to leave you alone to do so, then say yes when it's okay to do so. Make your boundaries stronger.

She's 11. She knew when she had to leave. She knew when the party started. It doesn't matter, IMO, that you didn't say "this is your last warning". You told her to get ready and she had PLENTY of time to get ready. I think she got a natural consequence and your DH is quibbling wording. It's not like you didn't recently discuss this behavior with her, either.

My SS is a dawdler and so is DD. I am working on DD with a timer, but she's 4. When SS started HS, he started missing the bus. So we started charging him $10 for each time we had to take him to school. And once we told all the kids we had reservations for dinner and would leave behind anyone who was not in the car at 6PM. We were literally getting ready to pull out of the driveway when SS came running out, shoes in hand. He had the same warning as the other kids but had not heeded it.

I would ask DH why he's so upset about the exact words you used? Is she daddy's girl and he's defending her? Did she go to him and claim you were unfair? Maybe HE should be the one running late if he thinks he has a better way. If she makes you late for work, can he be the one to chase her and be late instead? Maybe if he doesn't see it every day, it doesn't impact him and he doesn't understand the problem.

She may have been relying on you to be her timer, but she's 11 and she should not be relying on you all the time. You gave her warning. That was quite fair, IMO.

Give her the tools to work with. She should have an iPad or iPod with the clock app so that she can set the timer as to when she must stop whatever she is doing and get ready. Help her understand that if she needs an hour to set the timer to an hour and a half. When the timer goes off, she has to turn off the TV, put down the book, or put away the toys and get ready. Help her with a list that says she needs shoes, jacket on a cold day, umbrella on a rainy day, water on a warm day, and a lunch if necessary.

I think you did the right thing.

I'm 43 and still have a hard time getting out of the house on time, so I should probably stay out of this discussion.

I say good for you, Momma! I would keep up this new way of doing things.

I believe in natural consequences. I would have done exactly what you did. I would have said "we will be leaving at 6" If she wasn't ready that's on her. At that age, it is not your job to stress out over getting her out the door. My husband is a dawdler and he gets left a lot when he is not in the car at a previous specified time.

Eh, send her back to her mom if she's really that much trouble.

I think dads are too easy on their daughters sometimes. Your decision was great! She will be a more self-sufficient adult if she can learn to be responsible for her actions now.

Hi C.,

No your punishment wasn't harsh at all. I would be frustrated too! I would get her an alarm clock-teach her how to set it and tell her from now on you will tell her once. If she doesn't pay attention, she will suffer the natural consequences--like being late to a party.

C., I think you did fine.

My son is five and recently, he got the 'I'll only remind you about your folder before you go into class. It's your job to remember it." I don't expect that I will be wanting to have those same conversations with him at eleven about how to manage his tasks and time management for what you describe. At our house, it's fairly commonplace that if Kiddo says he wants to go for a walk or outing and then wanders off to do something else, I do not ride him with "lets go", etc. It's simply "wow, you disappeared in your room to play and now we don't have time to do that. Bummer."

At eleven, they know how to read a clock. Maybe don't give her so many chances to be reliant on you. I know it can be hard to let them fail, but these lessons can be valuable and instructive in the long run.

I think I would have done exactly as you have done!

At 11y/o she needs to start being responsible for her own time, you are correct in stating that in middle school her teachers are not going to baby her.

You just talked to her about it the day before...to me that is more than fair warning!

It's called natural consequence

And and you handled this perfectly!

lesson learned! (hopefully!) good for you for doing what you did!!! :)

Self-inflicted wounds, I say!!! This is the definition of natural consequences - the type that will happen to her for her entire life. I think you are right on with what you did. If she were 4, yeah, that's too harsh. 11?? I am so with you. In 6th grade she NEEDS you to stop micromanaging her time. She's going to be in for a harsh reality if you don't teach her now. You did just right.

I think it sucks that your DH didn't back you up. Why do moms always have to be the "mean" one? It's b.s. She is 11. Plenty old to know better. In fact, you, yourself, stated that she is perfectly capable of doing things in a timely manner, but just chooses not to. I bet if she would've missed out on the party, she would've known you meant business. But, once again, she got what she wanted, and all after she didn't listen or follow the rules multiple times. I mean, why would she follow the rules when she doesn't have to and there's no punishment breaking them? She didn't really get punished because she still went to the party...

So, no, I don't consider it unfair at all.

I think that is plenty fair for an 11 year old. If it were my 6 year old ADHD son, I'd give more chances. An 11 year old without any special needs just learned a valuable lesson in listening and time management.

I'd actually continue to do this type of thing with her.

Does she have a watch? A kitchen timer? Make her be responsible for setting her own countdown, and leave it at that. Natural consequences follow.

I, too, could have written that post, as I had a similar conversation with my DD on Friday. As my DD is six, am I really in for this for at least five more years? Sigh.

I like the natural consequences idea, and I do think this episode will get your DD thinking to get into gear. Your decision to not remind her again needed to be conveyed to her, not as a warning, but as a sit-down discussion with you explaining what you plan to do forever more, and why. You can still have that conversation now, and with your providing a reference to the b-day party episode as an example of the natural consequences.

One thing I am going to do this week is buy my DD an alarm clock for the morning. This ordeal for us is that she wants (even more!) power. She will be responsible for getting herself awake. I have also made a schedule of all the things she needs to do and a timetable to do them.

Now, her initial reaction to this was "I'm going to rip up that schedule!" She sees the schedule as my having the power. When I make a schedule for her to get ready for a b-day party to attend on Sunday, I will explain to her how the schedule is giving her the power. I then plan to tell her that I will have my coat on and I'll be ready to go at a certain time, and that in order to enjoy ourselves at the place we are going, she should be ready at the same time as well. We'll see how that works.

This has come about this week while I've been sick and have witnessed DD getting ready to go to school. Beyond that, because my DH and I approach getting out of the house differently, and it is somewhat confusing to our DD. I talked to her about how Daddy will talk about going somewhere for about two hours, and as of late, is nagging DD to do each step of getting ready. Myself, because I am able to get ready faster and leave more quickly, I have been giving DD less time to do it all than DH gives her, and I focus on leaving by a certain time (with no spare time in order to be somewhere on time). She truly looks shocked at how fast she is being asked to move in order to leave on time. I'm hoping the "getting ready" schedules will help her to internalize how much time it takes to get ready and thus take responsibility for getting ready. We'll see if she is like DH or Mommy in the "getting ready to leave" department.

As of now, she sees us as blocks to her enjoying her time before going elsewhere. As a small child, she needed "five more minutes" warnings to get ready for a transition such as leaving the park. I'm hoping the written schedules will get her to be responsible for making her own transitions to the next event in her life. I can see now how this tactic will take time to work and that I need my DH on board or this will be unsuccessful.

What a timely question! It has allowed me to set up my strategy that I plan to employ on Sunday morning! Thank you!

I think you did the right thing. But, you need to stop making extra requests. When you give a child an instruction you lose authority if it is repeated over and over. I would say it is fair to say, "we are leaving in 30 mintues, times to get ready" then with 5 minutes left say "5 minute warning" or something along those lines. At 11, this is something she needs to learn to do. Natural consequences are sometimes the best!

Give her "fair warning," but understand that it might not work. I had a dawdler. It didn't matter how many times I warned him, he still dawdled. Now his wife has to deal with it.

I was just looking at his kindergarten report card a couple of days ago, and the teacher commented on how bright he was, if only he would use his time wisely and stop dreaming and dawdling and get his work done. He was that way in kindergarten -- he's still that way.

Good luck.

I think you did the right thing.
Granted she is only 11 so maybe more fitting at age 13 but she has to
begin learning sometime.
She's obviously more of a dawdler & needs to learn how to manage time
before school starts.
Tell your husband you did give her ample time (yesterday when you
talked to her about this very issue). Let him know you want her to
learn before school starts. She needs to work on this for school AND
for employment in the future (geting to work on time is a must).
In the future, going forward, I would do what you do but add one thing:
give a warning shout out. (Like, "Better be ready, leaving in 20 mins").
She has a clock in her room, right? Is it easy to read (digital)?

The same thing happened with me and my son recently. I can't even remember the specifics, but I didn't warn him right before the consequence, but I had on multiple occasions before. So, I let it naturally develop into a consequence for him and I have to say, he was ticked that I didn't let him know what his consequence was going to be. I did feel bad, because I do try to be fair, but I also know he totally got the message this time. We shouldn't have to warn, warn, warn every time.

Sit down with her and come up with a plan. Maybe write the days activities on the fridge with details of what needs to be done, time to leave for events etc. Let her know you will no longer give her several warnings.

At her age I would not give multiple warnings, but since you already started that, then I think it was unfair. Get a system down that you all agree on, then let her know there will be consequences for tardiness. If she makes you late for work then she can't do abc or has to do xyz. If she is tardy for her own events then she has to miss it.

You can try "natural consequences", like having her stay home and miss activities when she dawdles and isn't ready, but that may or may not change her behavior. I've gradually realized (at 54 years of age!) that I will NEVER be on time for anything, no matter how important it is to me. That's just the way that I'm wired. No matter how early I start to prepare for an event (even hours in advance), I still end up making myself late. There is just some kind of sabotage switch built into my brain. Best of luck to both of you!

Good job. Please write back and let us know if things have improved. (I am sure your husband reacted because he didn't like all the drama)

BTW - our daughter is the same age and the same way. She and my son take a martial arts class on Saturdays and if she is not ready on time, we leave without her. It's not fair to my son to be late. She FREAKED out Saturday when we did this. we had a talk with her after she calmed down. We'll see if this Saturday is any better. We also have also had her write schedules with times and set timers on her ipod and other devices. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don't. I think the only thing that will work are feeling the circumstances. (I have ADD and wish I had learned this discipline about time management at a younger age)

The only thing I would change would be to make sure she heard exactly what I said , by either asking her to repeat what I said and asking her what time it was or making sure she was looking me in the eyes and that she GOT that we had to leave. Sometimes when they are doing something else "uh huh, Okay" is just a "prerecorded" response.

i think ideally an "i'm not telling you again - did you hear what i said?" before walking away would have been fair...but life isn't always fair. assuming you have ruled out adhd or any other kind of attention issue, i think this was not a huge deal on the "reality check" scale.

mine is 6 with adhd so i understand the frustration and just wanting to leave them alone to deal with the consequences of not listening...!

but most of the time i, like you i am sure, usually try to help him as much as i can. until my patience wears out. as yours did. no big deal. maybe it WILL help her, wouldn't that be great? :)

(and ps, i love what many of the moms said about a game plan going forward - absolutely, make it clear she will miss out or get left behind from now on! my answer - based on a mom of a 6 year old so maybe a little more lenient than i would be on an 11 year old - was purely in response to this ONE situation. i think a plan of action going forward, with your husband, about nipping this in the bud, is an excellent idea!)

OMG, I could have written that post! My 11 year old does the same thing. All the time. Drives me nuts! We believe in natural consequences but even that does not motivate her to get rolling, unfortunately. She just has no sense of urgency and I call it "Jenna time". She just has a totally different time table for life. I too fear middle school because, yeah, no excuses there. Hang in there. Sorry I don't have any advice for you but you're not alone!

i let my soon to be 11 year son know that we are leaving in an hour....again in a half hour and in 15 minutes. he knows that i will leave without him or if he isn't ready oh well then. your daughter is old enough to be told several times within a time frame....if she was late that is her fault not yours. you did your job and now she needs to learn hers!!! you were more than fair with her!!

I sympathize with you because my daughter is the same way but she's 6. I expect to remind her but I also expect her to be able to get from the kitchen to the bathroom for brushing her teeth without stopping ten times!

I definately see both points of view. Your daughter is used to you reminding her multiple times she she probably thought you would come remind her again. But, you did just have a conversation with her and she is old enough to listen and to put 2 and 2 together. The one thing is that I hate to punish others for my kid's behavior and while in your eyes not going to the party only affected her, I am assuming she was accounted for by the party's host and guest of honor and to not show is a little rude. While it would have been her fault, it is still rude to those having the party (at least without notifying them).

Use this as a teachable moment...have another conversation with you daughter (be sure Dad is there or is informed) that goes something like this "Ok Suzy, I know we've discussed this many times. You are definately old enough to tell time and get ready without be standing over you. You got lucky yesterday because I hadn't given you fair warning that multiple prompts were no longer happening so this is your "fair warning". For our daily routine, you know what it is (make sure she does and tell her to write it down if necessary) so outside of your initial wake up call and a quick "we have to leave in 10 minutes" type of thing, it is on you to stay on task and get ready on time. I suggest you get ready first and then IF you have time, you can do other things until it is time to leave. For other, unroutine, things I will tell you "we have to leave by xxx" and it is up to you to be ready. If it is something we have to do, you will then have to leave on time, ready or not. If it is something optional like you attending a party, if you are not ready, we will not go".

I would also be prepared with consequences and tell her what they are...if you cause me to be late for work, you will lose xxx for xxx amount of time.

Then stick to it. I also suggest that while you don't want to keep on her you don't just tell her "we have to leave by" either but rather a few minutes before say "10 minutes left" or something like that.

I'm siding with your husband, and Jo W., on this one. You weren't just "letting her fail" you set her up to fail. You changed the rules without telling her they were changing. That's unfair. Losing a child's trust isn't an effective way to teach or to parent.

Talk with her and get her involved in solving this issue. But, this isn't just going to go away because of one harsh "lesson".

My daughter is only 5 and I have this same problem with her already. I tell her when it's a last warning, but again, she's only 5. I can't say how I'll feel or what I'll do when she's 11. I'm sure I'll be insanely sick of it by then. However, I agree with another mom when she says your husband should have backed you up with the punishment, then discussed his disagreement with you later. Bottom line - I bet she won't take her precious time next time she's supposed to get ready for an event. It's a hard lesson to learn, but at least she learned it now at 11, and not later when starting a new job or in college. Good luck!

My daughter is the exact same way, and she is 13 and in 7th grade. She does fine at school (probably because she wants to look good for the teachers and in front of her friends). It's at home where we have the problems.

Her main issue is getting ready for bed at night--which means I get to go to bed later than I want, since my husband has to get up very early to get ready himself to leave for work very early in the morning (he's in bed by 8:30 pm). However, just because I work at home is no excuse that my daughter's inability to get herself to bed in a timely fashion should have to impact so heavily on me. We will begin soon to implement that she has to put herself to bed herself (she still needs me to help her get ready for bed; she says so that she doesn't overload (she has sensory issues). So we'll be working on this issue so that she can start putting herself to bed next school year.)

My daughter can get up and get ready/on the bus on time (5:30 am up, on bus at 6:47 am --yes, it really does take her that entire amount of time to get herself completely together and breakfast ate and ready to walk out the door in the morning). She can take an hour--or more--to get ready to go to bed at night. And she has a routine, and the routine has to be followed, otherwise she will cease being cooperative/getting ready.

She can also be a real laggard and lazy and hard to get up to do things. She complains about being a little overweight, yet won't get off the couch and exercise or work out. I tell her that the couch isn't going to get her toned, nor will the weight fall off by lying on it. That the only way to lose weight is to watch what she eats (which she's just started doing--we've completely changed what she takes to school for lunch these last 3 weeks) and to develop an exercise program (which she is also working on, but struggling with).

While my daughter likes to dawdle, she does NOT like to be late. So that is a bit of an incentive for her. She is also old enough now to figure out how much time she needs to get herself ready/together/calmed down, so she'll ask me when we need to leave for something, then check the clock to see when she needs to get herself motivated so that she's ready to go. So I give you peace of mind that, for most of these slow kids, they do eventually learn how to regulate themselves!

I find absolutely nothing wrong with what you did to your daughter. At some point, she has to learn the consequences for not being ready and not being ready on time to leave. Sorry. At some point, she HAS to learn this. Are you going to go to college with her so that you can make sure she will be able to get to her classes on time? So that she'll get up in the morning and get to work on time? I mean, really, when will she learn and take responsibility for herself if she is always relying on you to do it for her?

And your husband was out of line. If your daughter's lateness/dawdling has been a constant theme in your household, then your husband is more than aware of what's going on. He should be backing you--NOT your daughter. Otherwise, your daughter will continue to play you off against each other all the while she's growing up.

It is fair and chances are if she gets affected three times, some of it will stick on with her. I have been doing same with my 5 year old daughter. Her parties I went late, forget her present, or came back early for not acting nice...she has gotten hang of it. Also she gets rewarded for being on time and doing tings as a star and after 5 stars we get a present. She is 8 now and going strong!