Teeenagers Not Wanting to Wake up in the AM!

They are all old enough to wake up to an alarm. But here is what I do at my house. My husband gets up to an alarm clock on his side of the bed. I wake up 14 yo son and don't go in again if he misses the bus he loses priveleges that night. I wake up my 11 yo daughter and make enough noise for her to get up on her own. Make them responsible for themselves.

They are totally old enough to get themselves up, and they'll continue being dependent on you as long as you keep taking responsibility for them.

I would hold a family meeting and tell them that they are now responsible for themselves (make it positive and express confidence in their abilities to be in charge of themselves) and give them each an alarm clock. If they sincerely cannot wake up to an alarm clock, I would give them the option of me coming in ONE TIME ONLY in the morning to wake them up. After that it's up to them. That's crazy that they are upset at you for not making them get up and ready! They are getting close to entering the real world and you want to prepare them for that, and that is not how the real world works. I would also stop trying to manage when they fall asleep. No can make another person fall asleep, and I would acknowledge that to them and let them know that they are now in charge of that as well. You can set the example by going to bed at a decent hour and let them know as you do so that you want to make sure you get enough rest so you're not tired the next day. Let them learn this lesson for themselves. No wonder you're exhausted from feeling responsible for all these people who are old enough to take care of themselves.

I also would REALLY REALLY recommend reading Parenting Teens with Love and Logic or any of the other wonderful materials for parents of teenagers from Love and Logic: http://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/c-48-favorites-of-parent...
They also have some great CDs full of wonderful advice and real-life applications that you can listen to in the car while driving. One of the co-founders used to have the exact same problem you're talking about until he let his children start suffering the logical consequences for themselves and they learned very quickly to go to bed at a decent hour and to get themselves up on time or miss out. I LOVE and recommend the classes I've taken from the local Love and Logic facilitator: www.keriparentcoach.com

The Love and Logic approach is all about tough love--being firm and consistent in letting children suffer the natural (logical) consequences of their actions, while doing so in a very gentle and loving way, having true empathy in your heart. My mom parented this way, and I really appreciate my upbringing. I feel she was a very effective and loving parent who helped prepare us for the real world. And make sure you choose your battles carefully and avoid being too controlling.

Hi, K. -
Family meeting time. Tell all of them (including hubby) how much you love them, how frustrated you are with how inconsiderately they are treating you, how you're not going to act as their own personal alarm clock any longer, and how if they don't begin to act more responsibly without your help they will be left to suffer the consequences of their actions.
Then comes the hard part.... stick to it.
Good luck!

Hi there-
No wonder you are exhausted- it's so hard when people choose not to be responsible and you feel the need to jump in and save them.

I do agree with the others- teens are old enough to set their alarms and get up on their own- there are natural consequences involved.

On the other hand, they need more sleep. Teens need more sleep than alot of elementary kids even though they don't want to admit it. Their bodies are growing and changing and they are going 90 mph during the day usually. My 14 yr old is usually in bed and asleep by 9 p.m.- though of course we make exceptions to that. He has no trouble getting himself up in the morning. On really tired days, I'll knock on his door just to make sure he's up and going.

Be Mrs. Tough Guy in the evening and make them go to bed, and hopefully the mornings will get a little easier. You are the parent and what you say should go. Tell them if they earn the right, they can stay up a little later. Our rule is that if you won't get up and going, or if you are crabby in the morning, you are sent to bed 30 min EARLY that evening.

Don't know if any of this helps- but I wish you the best. Get some sleep!!!!

toni

Do they have cell phones? My two who are 11 and 13 set their own cell phone alarm for morning wake ups, medicine reminders, paper signing reminders etc. It is their responsibility to set it and wake up to it, the rest is natural consequences.

They are too dependent on you and will never learn unless you teach them the hard way. They can each have their own alarms. Show them how to set it the first week and double check that they are set for the right time. Let them wake up on their own....if they don't, they miss their activities and they are late to school, let them suffer the consequences. Let them calmly know the night before that if they are able to get themselves up, they are allowed to do their normal activities, if not, there will be consequences and brainstorm what they might be (getting kicked out of marching band,etc.). I know it is really hard, but it is your duty as a parent to start teaching them how reality is in life.

I was in marching band in high school and so I'm sure I put my parents through a lot of the same stuff. I remember some mornings just bursting into tears when I'd get in the car to go because I was just so exhausted. Since then I've learned that teenagers really need about the same amount of sleep as a toddler does (so why the schools haven't figured that out and expect kids to stay at night practices until bed time, go home and do four hours of homework and then be there for an early practice the next day is beyond me). I would do everything in your power to preserve a reasonable bedtime and get as much rest on the weekends or afternoons as possible. People forget that teenagers are really just kids in adult bodies.

I totally agree with the Debbie! If they have an alarm THEY should be responsible for setting it and getting up. If they don't then they are late for wherever they need to go. You must teach them to be accountable for themselves. We must prepare our children for life in the "real world." You aren't always going to be there for them so they need to learn to be responsible. I strongly recommend any of Dr Kevin Leman's books on parenting - he is amazing!
Good Luck!
Heather

How dare your children treat you that way! They are more than old enough to get themselves up and get themselves ready without mommy there to do it for them - they treat you like a servant and you are letting them! Buy them all an alarm clock. If they don't get up, they don't get up. They'll miss school, marching band, whatever, but they will quickly learn that you are not going to do that anymore and start doing it themselves. Set your own alarm for when YOU need to get up, not THEM! And your husband????????? Give me a break - he's a grown man - he can get up on his own. You have created this situation, so only you can put a stop to it. Sit everyone down and explain that things are going to change. Moms are not doormats, servants or the fall-guy for someone else acting irresponsible. If they stay up late, they should pay the consequences. Period. You have to be strong on this.

YES! They should be able to do this themselves. I do not have a teenager myself, but I do know that every person in my household growing up was responsible for themselves.

If I woke up and my brother wasn't up yet, I would often wake him up and then go about my morning. If he didn't get up and I was getting ready to leave, he lost his ride to school.

I think you need to practice some 'tough love' in this situation and let them fend for themselves. Or why don't you buy them each an alarm clock for Christmas and be done with it. If they don't get up, they need to find their own way to school. You are enabling them and not making them be responsible for themselves. I am sure you have good intentions, but what will happen when they are late to their first day of work? They will learn and they will quickly see that if they want to have enough time to get ready, they are going to have to wake up.

Hi K.
First of all good luck =( It sounds horrible. I wanted to share something I "heard" sometime. I say heard because I don't remember what article it was from...anywho. It said that teenagers actually need more sleep than normal. However that's not news to you since you have 3. But what I do remember was that they were doing studies that were going to push back the starting time of school, say from 8am to 10am. They found that teenagers have a hard time waking up in the morning and seem to in gereral do better in their afternoon classes. I don't know if any of this will make sense or pertain to your childern. However I do remember it making sense to me and my friends when we were in HS. Good luck though, I'm scared to think what my little ones will be like at that age.

I have a couple of suggestions. One is, NO, you shouldn't be getting them up! They have alarms and should be responsible... EACH of them. I say, let them fail. Let them see what happens when they don't get themselves up. Tell them ALL that they are responsible for themselves and you will NOT get them up again. You will be happy to help them after they get up, with breakfast, etc., but they have to get themselves up. Also, if they are not pleasant with you, you will not help them. If hubby gets up, but not oldest son, he misses practice AND has to find his OWN way to school, because he missed his ride. If daughter gets up too late and misses the bus, she walks and takes the hit for being tardy. If the youngest misses his bus, then he walks - or pays you for the gas he used, because he missed his ride (when you should have gone). When they do get up, treat them cheerfully, but take NO blame! State the facts clearly, even sympathetically, that they missed their rides and will have to walk or pay you for the gas. I did this with my oldest son after he started doing this and it worked like a charm! He had to walk two miles and did a lot of thinking. And I didn't get yelled at, either, because he knew that he was resonsible - not me. The other suggestion is that you can make a new rule that, if they stay up one hour later than bedtime, you will wake them up one hour earlier than normal (this will not work for everybody). But the responsibility is theirs and they know it. They will actually feel better being responsible for themselves after they do it. Good luck!

The purpose of raising children is to turn out responsible adults at the end of the process. In situations where you can appropriately simulate living in society on their own (depending on age, of course) you should. They aren't babies anymore. All three have the ability to procreate at their age, two of them are legally of age to operate a motor vehicle, and one is old enough to vote and die for their country. I really think they are able to learn how to get to school on time. You need to step back and let natural consequences take effect.

I know this is hard, because we don't like our kids to have consequences, but love and discipline are the same thing. If you don't discipline your children or you step in the way of consequences meant to teach them, then you're really not loving them. You've done them no good, and all you have done in the end is unleashed large children into society, and nobody wants that! :)

Here's what you do:

Tell them to set their alarm and get up in time to get themselves ready and off to the bus or ride with dad. Tell them they are at an age where they are more than capable of doing this for themselves and you will not be driving them to school or practice if they miss their ride. THAT'S IT!

What if they don't get up in time to get ready???

They can go to school dirty with ugly hair and be uncomfortable and self conscious all day. Do you think they will get up earlier the next day? It has a much stronger effect than having you nag at them about it, I promise.

What if they miss their bus or practice???

They don't go to school that day. Pretty simple. And DON’T YOU DARE take them or this will do no good for them at all! Will you get up and take them when they are in college? If they miss their carpool when they're married? Then don't do it now. Here and now is the training ground for that. It's up to you to raise them to make it to the bus on their own so they can make it to their college classes on their own and to work on their own because they don't get to bring their mommy to college or work with them.

OR The get cut from marching band. Bummer. Maybe they should make it to their ride if it's really so important to them. The alternative is making your husband late every day and potentially messing up his ability to provide for everyone. Then the whole family gets to share the consequence of your child’s failure to respect the time of others instead of just the child. Not fair at all.

OMG! But they'll get zeros and unexcused absences and fail their classes and have to take summer school and not graduate on time!

Yep. And that's exactly what will happen when they go to college, only they'll also be wasting all the tuition spent on their classes. Oh, and if they do that to their employer, they'll lose their job.

I can't do that to them!

You’re not. They're doing it to themselves. If you step in the way of this consequence when they simply have to get to their bus stop on time, then who will enable them when they're on their own? The consequences are much greater out there, so train them for this now.

But if they miss too much school that's considered truancy!!!

That's right. And they don't want that do they? And if they take it that far (which they won't), forces outside the control of their mommy will take effect, just like when they're on their own. That's why we don't run around all day doing whatever we want to do. There are laws and rules that give us boundaries, and when we break them we receive the punishment. Why should it be any different for your children?

You can buffer the natural way of things for a short time until they leave you, but you've only confused them and set them up to fail in the real world. I know you don't want that because you sound like a very loving and concerned (although frustrated) parent. This is the best way to love them right now.

Discipline should be h*** o* them and easy on you. You're not the one who is misbehaving, right? So why should you have to pay also?

But what about being kind and merciful helping people when they need it?

I agree. We absolutely need to step in and assist people when they are in a situation that is beyond their ability to help themselves. Is this the case with your children in this situation? Do they sincerely lack the capability of going to bed at a reasonable time so the can get up at a reasonable time so they can get ready in a reasonable amount of time so they can get to their ride on time? Can they really not do these things for themselves at their ages?

You have provided them a means of getting to school via a ride with dad on his way to work or the bus. You provide housing for them in a district that provides bussing which you pay for in your taxes, you provide electricity for their alarms which you also provide, so you have done all you must to make sure they are able to get to school. You even gave them feet if it comes down to that, and they can walk to school at the very least. I doubt they'll do that twice.

I'm not saying this is forever and that you have to be legalistic about this. Rules are made to serve us, but there are always exceptions. Maybe they are on their way to the bus stop on time and they trip and get a hole in their jeans and have to come home ad change their pants. That falls in the realm of extenuating circumstances beyond their control and it would be appropriate to help them out in this situation. Sometimes things come up and we all need a bit of help. You just need to make sure that some "exception" isn't happening every day, because then it's really not an exception, is it? Were they otherwise being responsible with their time management, or is this just an excuse or an attempt to test you?

What you described is a chronic irresponsibility for managing their time and a disregard for the schedules of others. If their "extenuating circumstance" is related to such irresponsibility (like, I didn’t get up on time because I stayed up too late surfing the web) then don't take them to school. It really is that simple.

HOWEVER, you do need to brace yourself for the resistance they will give when you refuse to take them. They will say all kinds of things to make you feel terrible and at fault and unloving and uncaring(you don’t care about my success in school, you don’t care if I fail, you don’t care about me, you like to do mean things to me, you never help me when I need it you, this is just about control, you’re too lazy to drive me, there’s no reason why you can’t just take me since you’re just sitting around anyway…), but for their sake and yours, you must remain strong. You know none of these things are true, so ignore it (just like they ignore you when you tell them to t get up on time). If you can do this once, I promise you it will get easier. You shouldn’t have to do this more than a few times, anyway, because once they know you’re serious, they will get their act together or start suffering the real consequences above, not just the “consequence” of once again upsetting mom, which I am sure they have all grown quite immune to.

I know you love them or you wouldn’t have posted here seeking help. Love them this way. Though it will be hard for you, I promise you that they will end up being more responsible adults, and isn’t that part of our job description as parents? You can do it. I wish you the best! :-)