Should I Contact the Grandparents?

You definatly should give them the chance to be in their grandchild's life. If they choose not to, then thats their loss.
I became a grandma at age 43 and could never have imagined the absolute joy Alexander brings to my life. I cannot fathom my life without him in it.
Give them a chance and you'll find out what kind of people they truly are.
Good luck

Personally, I think I would contact the grandparents with a personal note or even a phone call. Explain to them why you have not contacted them before now, exactly the way you have explained it here. Tell them you miss them, and really would like for them to be a part of your daughter's life if that is what they, too, want. This may be an answer to their prayers.
I have a suspicion they do not feel the same way their son does. They probably were taken by surprise and hurt when you moved,and they may have told you they felt differently, had you given them the chance. As a grandparent myself, I know my heart would be aching for that little one if the same thing happened to me. In fact, I tear up as I write this just thinking about it.
Grandparents are usually more willing to overlook a lot of things in order to be able to see their grandchildren.
If they don't want to see her, then you have lost nothing by seeking them out. It is their loss, and your daughter is better off not knowing someone who is not emotionally capable of loving her back. I am betting that is not the case though.
I am praying this has a happy ending for you. :o)

As far as telling her about her "real" father. She is old enough when she asks. Tell her enough to answer her question, then nothing more. It is easy to overload a kid with big answers when all they wanted was a very specific answer to a very specific question. When she is ready for more info, she will ask more questions. Always speak kindly of her father. Never place blame. If he is not a nice person, she will come to that conclusion all on her own in time. (And probably sooner than you think.) It will be painful for her, but not as painful as her resentment for you if she thinks you were "mean" to him. Kids want to love and believe in their daddies, no matter how good or bad they are, until the daddy lets them down, himself. When that happens, they need to feel they can bring mommy their broken heart without fear of "I told you so".

E.,
I would send a letter with a picture in it. It is very obvious that the parents did not feel the same as the father. I have an adopted son. I have never hid anything from him about it. I didn't talk about it to him a lot, but always told him age appropriate truths. I always told him about the bible story when a baby was left in a basket by his mom and a new mommy found him. He didn't quite understand what I was getting at then, but this eventually led up to telling the truth when he was able to understand. It's very hard, but to make sure he understood he was loved no matter what. Anytime a biological parent doesn't acknowledge a child, the child will sometimes wonder, as they get older, if they are good enough to be loved. Reinforcing your love and her step dads love will be what she needs the most. If her grandparents love her and can't find her your daughter is missing out on their love. If this is the case? You do what you feel is in your heart, would be best for your daughter. Can you check around and find out how the grandparents feel without going there? If they are wanting to see her, will this be something that will give her more love in your daughters' life. Make sure your intentions are only for your daughters' well being and not for your need to check in with an old friend or lover. I'm not saying you are, but sometimes old feelings can be our motive. I'm just saying, be aware of your own feelings. Focus on your beautiful daughter. You are a good mom. You have taken good care of her thus far, and have done a great job. Search your heart and the answer will come to you on how to approach this situation. Say many prayers and ask for guidance. Keep you and your daughters relationship an honest one and loving one.
DE

Hi E.,

This situation you are having questions about sounds all to familiar. In this case I am talking about my mom. She didn't find out that who she thought was her father, wasn't until she was 39 years old and it was by accident. She was devistated and wondered why her mom didn't tell her about he biological father. He wanted to be a part of her life, but my step grandfather wouldn't hear of it. It ended badly. At least my mom explained to me about my biological father and the man that she was about to marry wasn't him. I was 4 when my mom remarried and she explained to me that he wasn't my biological father, but he wants to be my dad. I was only 4 and I understood what was going on. I think it best be explained when you think the time is right. Maybe when she is a teenager. I wouldn't wait as long as my grandparents did. As for contacting the grandparents, I say go for it. I didn't get to know my biological father until I was 28. Unfortunately my mom was out of the picture. She passed away before then. It was great for awhile, but everything mom explained to me on why she divorced him was true. I now have a son and don't want him around my dad, so it didn't work out for me. My mom told me she wanted to see her biological father. If she got better form her luekemia she told me she would contct him. She never got to. So that's why I took a shot at meeting mine. It was good for me to do. You never know until you try. You never know, her grandparents could be so thrilled to see her. If things don't go well, at least you tried. You won't have to wonder about the "what if's" or have any regrets. Trust me, you will always wonder about it and it will nag you for the rest of your life. I waited 28 years to contact my father. It bothered me all the time not knowing where I come from. I always felt like there was a part of me missing. The good news is, I feel complete. I don't have that nagging feeling anymore. Overall it was worth everything just to know. Writing a letter is a great idea. I hope it works out for you and I hope I have helped ease your mind. Good luck to you and your family. Take care.

A. H.

I am in a situation close to yours but reversed. My idiot ex told his family not to contact me!! They did finally get in touch and it has been pleasant, especially since he moved away. I think that you should get in touch with the grandparents. It will be hard and feelings may be hurt, but be the bigger person and let them know how your daughter is doing. You just might find that they are understanding and accepting. IF they are not, then you know that you tried. As for telling your daughter, that is tough. It is what you and your husband are comfortable with. I wish you the best of luck in this.

That is a hard question because what if all of a sudden the grandparent's want to be involved and contact the girl's father and he want's to be involved too,after so many yr's has past by.He is the father to this child even though he didn't want you to have her and he washed his hand's of her he does have a right to see her and to contact her not saying that he would but it could very well happen.I'm just speaking from my best friend she had a guy he didn't want children at all till he was married my friend has 3 other children from a previous relationship she became pregant ill to tell him and sure enough he left after she told him she was pregnant he said I told you I didn't want children you can get rid of it whatever he left for all the 9 month's of pregnancy with his ex girlfriend,she went into labor called him and said i'm having the baby his mom and him went to see the baby and Boom he want's to be Father Of The Year.He went to the lawyer to get full residential custdoy of this lil girl thank god it wasn't granted but he does have more time with her than her mother who has cared for her and never wanted her gone.The state of Ks. want's father's to be involved in the children's lives regardless of the circumstance long story short the father is now in her life and is tearing the family to pieces.

ABSOLUTELY!!!I am not going to give any details but I know how you feel.Write them,call them,send pics,invites etc.Then let them decide how much they want to be a part.I would apologize for moving away and not telling them!They have done you or your child no wrong.Explain to them that because of their sons wishes she doesn't know who he is and that you would like for them not to talk about him(if that's how you feel.)Then they can be introduced to her as friends of yours and she doesn't have to know.You can even have her call them a nickname like Grammy or something if she wishes.

From your comments there are a few things to consider. First of all, I think you should have told the grandparents you were leaving. It sounds like they were fond of you and your daughter. If I were them, I would be hurt and feel somewhat betrayed. You don't say why you didn't tell them.

Second, it was not your daughter's father's decision for his parents to wash their hands of you. They may have, but maybe they haven't. They, and you, have a right to a relationship if you all so choose.

I would try to make contact with the grandparents, either by phone or letter. I would explain, if you can, why you left without telling them and that you would like to have a relationship. I would take it slow and see what kind of response you get.

Separate your relationships. Whether he ever wants to be in his daughter's life or not is up to him. It is up to his parents whether or not they have a relationship with their granddaughter. Open the door and see if they come in.

You should absolutely send letters and photos to the grandparents. I'm sure they were heartbroken when they lost contact with you. Apologize and seek their forgiveness. Invite them to come visit sometime. As far as telling the kids, I think the younger you tell them the better. That way they grow up with the knowledge - which is much better than being hit with it at an older age and feeling like they don't know who they are and feel that you've lied to them all their lives. If the real dad doesn't want anything to do with his daughter then that's his loss. That may be hurtful to your daughter, but the loving family she lives with will more than make up for that.

Yes, write a letter, send pictures, invite them to visit or to meet somewhere in the middle. I do not get along with my in-laws but wouldn't keep my kids away from them. Not that you are keeping her from them, but just tell them you made a mistake by not keeping them in the loop, you regret it and want to make amends. If they act like their son did (like a big fat baby) then let it go, you tried. Your daughter will figure things out soon enough and the younger she is, the more normal things will be for her.
My grandmother is not the "grandmotherly loving type" and I choose not to see her, but I do send pictures of my kids to her and invite her to see them, she chooses not to, which I feel is her loss. They may welcome your letter and may have been guilted by their son to keep the ties severed. Good luck, I'm sure it will be weird in the beginning, but that won't last.

How about sending them pictures and a note a couple of times a year. It takes a willingness on their part to have a relationship. You can initiate contact with them, but ultimately they must be willing to do their part. By all means do not feel guilty. The biological father has not been acting like a father. You have made a decision to go on with your life and hopefully have married a wonderful man. Do not make their problem your problem.
I would wait till your daughter is older to tell her about her biological father unless he steps up to the plate, and is a safe person for her to have a relationship with. Then I would wait to see if he is consistent with her before explaining that she is lucky enough to have two fathers.

My advice is to follow your heart on this one. My husband has a nonexistant relationship with his father. When he and I got together his father was not discussed. He was apparently not a good person while my husband was growing up and at age 15 he (my husband)refused to have any contact with him (at the time the courts were okay with that). Anyway, a few years ago it started bothering me that I knew nothing about that part of his family. He and I have two kids together and for family medical history reasons, if nothing else, I felt we needed to have some sort of contact. He, after some time, agreed to let me contact them.
While his father has had very little to actually say, the rest of the family, including Grandma, aunts and uncles, have been very happy to be part of our lives. We don't exactly have big get togethers, but we do have email contact and send Christmas cards and things.
I feel like this will show my kids down the line that we tried and their grandfather refused to part of their lives...This takes all responsibility off of us when they ask questions later.
I know this is slighly different than your situation, but I know how much better I've felt knowing I tried. Your child's father doesn't have to like it...it isn't for him...This would be for your child and for her grandparents who are innocent victims in this.
Good luck.

Honestly I don't see any harm in writing a letter. Explain what the "father" said, and that you didn't want to get things messy etc... (or whatever your reason was). If they were happy to be involved then, I don't see why not now? Unless you're worried the "father" might try to pull something? Hopefully you figure it out, good luck! I've been in this situation before, and I know it's not always easy to make these choices!

Just because her real father is a jerk is no reason to punish his parents by not giving them the opportunity to know her. Eventually she will need to know about her origin, for medical reasons or whatever. His parents didn't do anything wrong, he did. Your daughter doesn't need to find out until you say she should, but they at least deserve to know that she is doing okay. You are a good mom not only for protecting your daughter from a man who doesn't deserve her, but also for caring about any impact on others. Don't get down on yourself for the decisions you have made. You've been acting in what you belived to be her best interest. I personally wouldn't wait until she's an adolescent or teenager before telling her because she likely could resent you for not telling her. My nephew is 9 and has known for only about a year now that his dad isn't his biological father. He's been visiting his paternal grandmother from time to time when my sister takes him for a visit, but he has still never met his "real" dad or any of his half-brothers and sisters. You never know how kids will react from one child to another. I wish you the best of luck!

I know this is hard. I think that the younger you present the information the easier she will be able to handle it growing up. If you present this abnormal situation to her as a normal one (at this age) then it will probably not bother her as much as it could. I would definately contact the grandparents but question how come they have not kept in contact with you. If they were always supportive then I wonder why it has been so long for them to ask about their granddaughter. You don't know what kind of picture has been painted for them about the situation. I would write a letter and ask them if they are interested in keeping in contact. It is their choice, not their son's. Do you get child support from him? That is something I would definately pursue!!!

You've had lots of responses, but I wanted to reinforce that it is your daughter's right to know the story of her past, and the earlier you begin to introduce it, the easier it will be for her to accept it and take it for granted. She will probably find out one way or another, and the longer you withhold the information, the more difficult it will be for her when she gets it. Try not to make it too much of a big deal. She doesn't know how much you agonized over these choices and events, and she'll likely only feel bad about it if you give her the impression that it is something to feel bad about.

I'm sure her grandparents want to be part of her life. Contact them. Forgive yourself, too, so you can move on and be a joyful family, with everyone who wants to be part of it, and letting go of whoever doesn't.

Right from the start. Your daughter should have known before she could even speak. And what should you do now?
You should write a letter, send pic's and artwork she's done in preschool and so on. They dont care so much about you, but they have the right to know where their grandchild is,how she is, what she lookes like, and holy cow does your daughter have the right, too. And you'll have to make that move, that transition for her...she's too young to make it on her own.And do it now, before shes old enough to resent you for keeping this secret so long.
If things dont go so well, at least you can tell your daughter you tried.....and mean it.

The grandparents were not the culprits so they don't deserve to be left out. If you are sure they would treat her the right way then of course contact them. They are probably missing her like crazy. The only thing with that is after you have done this if they do not don't sweat it, just keep on living life. I have had that struggle my daughter was born before before I was married and my husband has been her father in every way. The only difference is my husband wasn't comfortable with sharing and until she turned 7 we didn't tell her anything. We told her then because my husbands side of the family are hateful people and I was afraid someone would tell her in a hurtful way. She also after having no dealings with what I call the donor didn't remember all the details and recently at 12 began to kinda snip around for what her memories were. We talked to her again and she was shocked! She said she wasn't expecting to hear that. She also says that she isn't upset and has no interest in meeting him, but she also said she felt like we lied to her (everybody who knew). She seems to be adjusting well, but with her going through puberty and turning 13 in a couple months who really knows. By this time they change so much... I am not trying to scare you just giving you the possibilities. Among all things if your husband is a great father and loves her tell him to stay that way no matter what because she will need that! She'll probably balance out just fine with his and yours constant support and love. The age you tell her depends kinda on if you contact the grandparents or not. She will wonder (if she spends time alone with them ever) why she has grandparents her sisters don't have. If your daughter is smart enough to understand complex things when you talk about it then talk to her as soon as you and your husband are ready. He has to be part of this too.

I feel your daughter should know about her biological father (that doesn't make him her "real" father, just biological). Your daughter can know that you were younger and used poor judgment in getting pregnant before marriage (nice opportunity to plant that seed in her mind!), that he was not daddy material, but how lucky you are to have such a wonderful daughter that she is. After contacting her paternal grandparents to confirm that door is still open, and I'll just bet it is, you can also tell her that she has two grandparents that love her very much and can't wait to see and hold her. Why cut her off from people who love her and care about you? This must be awful for them, first a son they're obviously disappointed in, then their granddaughter being taken out of their lives for 4 years. Please, don't wait. The longer you hide the truth from your daughter, the more negative impact it will have on your relationship with her when she's a little older. Assuming her grandparents are waiting with open arms, only good can come from revealing the truth. I wish you the best of luck, and I think you'll feel really good about this.

I am a product of that kind of situation. My mother and biological father were married, divorced when I was very young (under 1) and the man I know now as my father has been there since I was 1. I've never been able to meet the rest of my family because my mom would not let my grandparents contact me. I've got a brother and sister that I have never met, did not get to meet my great grandma (who passed away when I was in my mid-20's I've heard) and now I still do not know my grandmother, that was still alive a couple years ago, last I heard. I've never really been interested in meeting a dad who didn't want to be one and do not consider him one. I think you should contact them and stay in touch, I resent my mother to this day for keeping me from the rest of my family.
By the way, I'm 31 with 5 beautiful children that they have never seen either. Keep that in mind, what if that happens to you when your child grows up and has babies!

Maybe, First I would find out what is going on with your childs father. If you make contact with the grandparents most likely the father will be involved as well. Do you want this? Would you feel comfortable if he was to eventually have visitation of your child. Would you then expect child support, etc. from him? That would make a big difference to me as to whether or not I contacted the grandparents. Being a grandparent, I can tell you that they are thinking about this child and wonder about her and probably pray for her every day. If you decide to contact, I would not send a picture, just a letter and would ask if they would like to see their grandchild and be a part of her life. I would tell them that when you told their son you were moving he didn't want any further contact and told me not to contact them either and that you are hoping with time his life is more settled as yours is, and you only want love for your child and for her to know her family. I think that would be very positive! IF they say yes, then you would need to tell your child about her real father, if she is four, I think I would tell her now it is easier to let her know early on, than later in life.

Hi E., I would contact the grand parents for sure. If they made you and your daughter feel welcome and cared about definitely keep in touch. It's probably a good thing her bio dad has washed his hands in this situation, sorry but he sounds like a total jerk.

Write them a letter explaining you are now married and wanted to keep them up to date on their gr daughter. You had tried to keep in touch with their son but it just didn't work out.
I would imagine they know already what a jerk he has been.

You know your little girl better then anyone, you will be able to know when the time is right for you to let her know the man she loves as her father wasn't the man there when she was born. If she asks questions it's up to you how you tell her more. But I wouldn't tell her her bio dad dumped you both. Maybe just it wasn't going to work out in the long run. Different goals, idea's etc.

Good luck to you and your wonderful family E., but keep in touch with extended grandparents. You never know what memories can be made.

Always,
K.

Wow! I don't mean to sound harsh. But you had them involved in her life in the beginning and them you took them away. That hard, they welcome you and your child even if the father didn't. That must have truly hurt them when you left and have made no effort to contact them. Those are her biological grandparents. I believe they have all rights to know thier granddaughter. I just pray you make the correct choice here. As I said don't mean to be harsh. But I can feel the pain that has been cause on both sides. Its sad

I would write them a letter and spill your heart. You never know what response you will get from them or if you will even get a response, but at least you will know you tried and that would make you feel better.
I would not wait to long to tell your daughter about her bio-dad. She may not completely understand right now but I think it would be easier for her to know now rather than later. Have you husband with you when you tell her and have him explain that it does not matter to him that he is her father.
Good Luck. Hope you get the results you want!