She Wants to Meet Her Dad!

I would stop trying to go through the family. it's obvious that they don't care to get involved or don't support him in getting involved. When you contact them you may come off as desperate or starting drama and they will be turned off by it. Just go straight to him.

Child support enforcement will not give you his information, but they will forward a letter to him. talk to your caseworker and let them know what you intend to do. then send the letter to your caseworker with the letter to your ex in a seperate stamped envelope. She will address it and send it for you. Ask her if she needs the letter to be sealed or if she wants to read it to check for any threatening information. If she won't do it (she probably will because I used this process before) you may have to hire a private investigator to find him.

In the letter be very polite. Don't metion money, or make him feel guilty for not being there. If he feels bad he will go on the defensive. Just tell him that your daughter is going to be 12 and she has asked about him. tell him that she would like to meet him and that you support them having a relationship. Don't give specifics or get into visitation or anything. Stick to the basics. Tell him that you would love to have him over for dinner and if he is in a relationship he is welcome to bring his family along as well. Give him your phone number and leave it at that. If your daughter would like to send him a letter enclose it as well. Encourage her to keep it simple and not ask any questions that may be too hard for him to answer. (such as where have you been, why don't you visit etc.) Let her know that she can save those questions for a later date.

M., your daughter's story breaks my heart. The sad thing is, I don't think there is anything you can do to make her father want to see her. HE is the one missing out! From his actions in the past, do you think that your daughter would feel better if she met him? It sounds like she may be even more disapointed than she is now. I would just focus on her, and try to show her how important she is to you and your husband. I agree that maybe she should write him a letter, but once again, imagine her sadness if he doesn't respond. It doesn't make sense to me how someone could be so heartless to his own daughter. Maybe someday he will come to his senses, but I don't think there is anything she or you can do to make that happen.

Hello,
I feel for your little girl. I never got to know my real father and I feel part of myself is missing. It's very painful not knowing, but the good news for your daughter is there is a possible chance to get in contact her father. Maybe you could do some investigating on your own. Do a people search. Write him every day and tell him how important it is for his daughter to meet him. Write his family send pictures of your daughter to them maybe they will just melt seeing her. It might help her to send her own letters to her father as well. If no responds it could help her get some feelings out. I might even suggest she talk to a counselor at some point. Does your daughter know what her father looks like? I don't even know that. It makes me sad that so many fathers don't even take time to send a picture or make an effort just to meet someone who really needs it. I wish you and your daughter the best. God Bless

My daughter never met her father either. While she was still quite young I had to tell her that he chose not to have anything to do with us or her because he didn't know how to love, and didn't love himself. She accepted that. From experience all you can do is pray and be honest with her. The deep and desperate need to meet her real father may very well stem from something else she's missing. She may put her focus on him because that's what is obvious. I would take her to a counselor, and get to the bottom of what is possibly really bothering her, and also how to deal with the rejection and move on.

It's tough when he has shown no desire to get to know her. I never met my "spermdoner" as I call him. Growing up I would talk to him every blue moon, but he was far more interested in talking about my mom than learning anything about me. I finally saw him for who he was and wrote him off. He died last October. He had an insurance policy he left to my mom.
I never felt like I missed out having him in myy life. My mom was the one who actually tried to push us together. She remarried a wonderful man when I was 6 and HE is my dad. He is a wonderful grandfather to my children too.
I know its hard to see your daughter in pain. Be honest with her. Tell her you have tried to contact him with no luck. In time she will see for herself that he's just not worth it. Make sure she knows you love her UNCONDITIONALLY. All you can really do is be there for her. Good luck and (((HUGS))) for your daughter.

I was raised by my moms husband, my dad in my heart. When I was around the same age as your daughter I wanted a relationship w/my bio dad. I think your daughter is old enough to decide for herself whether her bio dad is a snake or not. If he doesn't answer her letters then, she will know what kind of man he really is. I only see mine when someone in his family get married or dies.
My advice is to have your daughter write him a letter. Also see if Child Enforcement will send a letter written by her for you. This way they aren't breaking any confidentiality policies.
I know your daughters' pain. I feel for her. I don't know what kind of relationship you have with his family. This way they won't think you just want something. I hope this helps.
Good Luck
K.

My niece has not seen her dad since she was about five. Her response was different from your daughter's in that when he tried to reunite she wanted nothing to do with him. However, one of the things we have done in her life is to reinforce over and over again how it is his loss to not be in her life. Her dad is the one missing out on seeing a great little girl grow up. I think that this is a great armor for a kid to have when they have an absent parent. If she is getting a good male role model from your husband reinforce that as well (as I'm sure you have) but point out how so many people love her that do know her and convince her that she is worth knowing and loving regardless of her bio dad's rejection. It doesn't sound like your ex is going to change his feelings and it might be better for your daughter to mourn his loss in her life and realize that there are a whole lot of other people that have a lot for her to offer. I know this probably isn't what you wanted to hear but it's just advice. My niece doesn't have a perfect life but she does know that it's not her fault that her dad is a flake.

Dear M.,

I know how awful it is to see your daughter crying and wishing for one small nod from her father. It truly is a heartache that only he can help. I would suggest that you stop asking for help from the family - they have had their say - as mean as it is. I sometimes wonder how many lives and how many chances do people think that we have at doing the right thing in this life? That is a lot of people being mean to one little child. My family tried to do that too to my grandson's latest baby. Shameful. I just let them be that way and am being the best gr grandmother that I can be to her, and so is my daughter being a wonderful grandmother. We are happier than they are, for sure.

Anyway. I think that it would be good if your daughter wrote a letter to her father and included a current picture. Then you can look on the internet to see if you can find his address. You may be able to do it with the fee that they ask for special searches - I think that it is about $10 or so.

Good Luck, I was a preschool teacher too. It is a good life, but short on pay unless you can get a job with the local County Superintendent of Schools. Some counties have good preschool programs that they run. Also, remember HeadStart they probably have a good salary scale. You could even start out as an Aide and work your way up. I think that the Aides get pretty good pay too , and maybe health benefits and the beginning of a retirement. Try it, and call the elementary school offices too. C. N.

Hi M.,
I know the pain you are experiencing because my daughter wanted a relationship with her father for a short period too. It was all very complicated and I tried to set up visits with a guardian, however he never followed through with it. He said he would only visit if I went too and like I said it wasn't quite so simple. But, it was only a phase in her life and now she has grown past that. I get pictures of her family every so often and show the grandparents to her and she says she feels nothing for them. Her dad is at home with us and she no longer feels anything different. She knows who raised her and who was there for her, so she has just moved on.

I know it is hard to watch their pains, but I am sure in time she will get past it. You cannot make someone be a parent.

Best of luck.
C.

Let her call him. I didn't have my father around either. He didn't want anything to do with my sister and I. I think we saw him 5 times while growing up. If that. When I was about 12 yrs old I wanted to get to know him. My mom had me do all the work. (she found his number for me)Another thing I want you to understand is this... My mother never talked bad about my father. I am sure she hated him so very much, but she wanted us kids to figure out what he is. I called him.

I saw him a few times throughout the next 10 years and then one day I realized something. I didn't really want anything to do with him. After I got to know him I realized that he is a very selfish man. What kind of man doesn't want anything to do with his kids? I don't care what his feelings are about the mother. My last straw was when I e-mailed him and he told me he would call me. Two weeks went by and I got an email from him saying that he was sorry he didn't call me but he had to go to my cousins (yes, his NEPHEW) football game. Now, I know that football is not going to be every night for 2 weeks ;) At that point, I said I am done. If he wants to talk, he has my number. But honestly, I hope he never uses it.

Your daughter will see what he is, one day. Let her figure it out. I hope, for her sake, that he ends up a wonderful father. Because it stinks to be let down by your father when you expect him to be so wonderful.

Maybe your daughter can write a letter address to her bio father and mail it to a known address.
My bio mother left my sister and I when we were toddlers. My father has been with a wonderful woman for about 14 years now. To me she is my mother.
Although I don't know the details of your daughter's relationship. I some what understand her feelings.

If you REALLY want to let her meet him face-to-face, try contacting the "Dr. Keith Ablow Show" at http://drkeith.warnerbros.com/; This way, whether he shows or not, you will be in the company of a certified family therapist. If you get on the show, he will help maintain control of the meeting and put you in touch with follow-up counseling. Also, if you are invited to be on the show, it will put a little pressure on him so he doesn’t look like a fool to the entire country. Plus, his ego may enjoy the “15 minutes of fame” the show will offer.

If trying this isn’t an option, or you aren’t chosen for the show, get her into a local therapist. 12 is hard enough with 2 FULL TIME parents, eager to comfort you in EVERY way! A girl with out a father puts her at a MUCH greater chance of teen pregnancy and promiscuity. Right now she needs to know ”she’s worth fighting for”. (I don’t remember the book title, but it talks about how girls need to know they’re worth fighting for, and boys need to know that they’re good enough to be men, and strong enough to do things for them self.) If she doesn’t feel “worthy of the fight”, she won’t fight for her own protection. She needs a 3rd party person where she can download her feelings.

Before I end this, let me say- You are AWESOME to encourage her to keep the dream. I have 2 nieces with, at BEST, “Part-Time Dads.” The heart ache their Dads have caused at times almost makes it seem as if they’d be better off without them around at all. Their Dads will promise to come to special events at school, or to keep them for the weekend, then, at the last minute- they’ll call and cancel on them. Seeing their hearts break is SO sad. BUT, a child having 2 parents is the best for MOST children. So- keep up your great mothering. You are the one she will ALWAYS turn to for support!

I hope things work out for her, and you! ~J.

Wow - I think you should let your daughter know you are trying to contact her father and let her read the letters you are writing and have her put them in the mail... that way she knows you are trying and then when there are no responses.... she'll understand you are doing everything you can.

I would also have her write a letter and mail it and maybe by the father seeing a letter from her, he'd be more enticed to contact her.

i take it you do not where he is at? i think your daughter is old enough to face the truth-u've tried to get in contact w/o response...shoot-maybe SHE should write the next letter! She will have to learn for herself and no matter what you say (or dont say), she has to experience for herself. how do her siblings feel? thing is- eventually she will know how good she has it w/ppl who love her once she has explored. that hole she feels might not go away, but it might be able to be stitched closed instead of staying open. Just stay honest and understanding.
either way i wish you luck and feel for your daughter. i will keep both of you (& the rest of ur family) in my prayers. God Bless.