Daughter Torn Between 2 Grandpas

Hi L.,
My husband's mother divorced his bio dad (abusive) when he was a year old & married his "Dad" when he was 2. That was the only dad he has ever known. The problem is that his mother didn't tell him about the bio dad until he was 16 years old. My husband did not have any interest in ever contacting his bio dad, but he was very angry that his mother did not tell him about this sooner. She did the same mistake by not telling his 2 sisters (half sisters) about this until they were 16 as well. Both of them were furious. They felt betrayed & that their whole lives were built around lies. I think kids can handle a lot more than what we give them credit for. I would tell them about their bio grandpa, but I would not push a relationship. Let your bio dad work to make a relationship with them. Put the ball in his court & see if he steps up to it. I wouldn't even make a trip with your kids to meet him. Tell your bio dad that you told the kids about him & that if he wants to see them than he can come to you. Your only job is to be honest with your kids & don't stress about the other stuff.

L., you needn't work so hard. It is not about pleasing those that you love, it is about following your heart. And the people that love you will continue to love you. They are adults and so are you.

Step out of the situation and in your mind observe yourself and see what is really going on. What this all sounds like is that you want a relationship with your bio-Dad and feel bad that he is not reaching out at least half way to make that happen. It is difficult for you to let go.

My former husband was like that with both my kids when we divorced. They were young adults at the time. Each one of them told him that if he wanted a relationship with them then he would have to reach out to them also and if he didn't, then they no longer would reach out to him. Boy did he sit up and take notice. It is now 15 years later and he makes sure he is in touch with them and spends time with them and his grandchildren when he comes into town.

Also, since your bio-Dad was abusive, his staying away probably was a gift in disguise to you and your children. People are who they are and you cannot make them different. If your bio-Dad wanted to see your children he would find a way.

I send you a blue ribbon: www.blueribbonmovie.com
A must for you to see.

The best to you,
M.
Former Professional Therapist
www.spiritual-ethical-will.com

L.,

I can only share and advise from my own experience. My mother left our family when I was 2. I didn't see her again until I was 27. She sporadically tried to grow a relationship, but I was too young to remember her and her contact was too infrequently. She has maintained a weird type of relationship with my brother, but because of how she acted all these years towards me, I cannot. My children (they are toddlers) know only that I have a mother and she left me when I was young. I will not allow my children to grow up with a grandmother that will leave them disappointed time and again. I have forgiven her for leaving us and understand a lot of how she felt when she did, but my children's happiness and contentment will always come first. Your children are fortunate to have a loving grandpa. I think it can only confuse them to begin a relationship with your bio dad at this age. Your kids will want explanations that you might not want to give. Sometimes you have to choose the thing that is going to hurt the least amount of people. Try not to feel guilty. You have done a loving thing by sending your bio dad pictures. I think it is enough. I would just grin and bear it every time he says "give them a kiss from papa" He doesn't have to know whether it is actually done or not. This is just my opinion. Hope it helps.

I don't think it is a good idea to keep a relative a secret or to pretend they don't exist. I am adopted and I recently found my birthmom and yes the interactions are at times difficult for all involved but it is better to be upfront about them than to deny them. Children can be quite averse to being kept out of information regarding relatives because it goes to the issue of trust, honesty and open communication. this doesn't mean they have to have a very involved interaction with their grandfather but they should know he exists. I would talk to your family about this and gently let your children know that they have this other relative, easing in the interactions.

I have a big question for you to start. Are any of these people paying your bills? If not then you do not have to be emotionally blackmailed and you do not have to continue this cycle for your children. Past is past. Move on. Kids won't faint if you let them know they have a grandpa or twenty grandpas. Kids are more forgiving than a lot of people. My life was in some ways similar. My stepfather, who I do not think of as much of a parent to me and my mother to this moment make horrible comments about my father and he died in 2001! But if I did not grab for it and try to make a relationship with him then I would not have my half sisters or a stepbrother in my life and my newest addition, a nephew! It is not clear what the biggest issue you have is other than you feel guilty about the fact that you didn't tell your children about grandpa. It appears that you think you are betraying mom and stepdad and you have to learn that as a grownup you are allowed to set limits on what you want. If you hate bio dad (sounds like you don't) then avoid him forever and leave this alone. Although kids find things out anyway. Permit yourself to give a new definition to the world of relatives and you might enjoy it. You don't have to have group events with everyone but people actually do and of course it doesn't always work and sometimes it does. you have to be true to yourself. And remember they aren't paying your bills. So when they do perhaps then they can all control your life. Perhaps tell dad that were angry at him, or write a letter, you might not even have to mail it. People are not perfect. I give you permission to quit feeling guilty.

I say...do whatever your hear tells you. Corny, I know. But you can't live your life trying to make other people happy...all you can do is what you believe to be right and hope that others understand.

If your "bio" dad wasnt there for you growing up and still hasn't seen/met your 10 year old child, then i think its safe to say that he really CANT be offended if the children have no idea who he is.

And if your kids only know your "step" dad as grandpa, then that's fine...because he has been your true Dad.

If you feel that you want to tell them about your "bio" dad when they are older and will understand, then i say go for it...but for the time being, i wouldn't feel pressured to do anything about it.

I see no harm talking to your children about your bio dad. at the same time you are teaching them forgiveness. my husbands father is in and out of his life as well and our 2 young boys have a wonderful grandfather- my husbands step dad. but they also know- that grandpa is daddys step dad. right now they dont question the bio thing but if they do I would be honest. I continue to send my husbands real father- xmas cards and pictures but thats all and we havent heard from him since I was pregnant with my 5 and a half year old. I am catholic and I believe in forgiveness and I pray for him. how sad he has missed out on so much of my husbands life as well as his grandsons.

Sounds like everyone but you is living in the past. How long does he have to apologize and be absent from your life before he's forgiven. You are the only one that needs to forgive him in this situation. If you have done that, then move on with your life and include him in your children's lives. He lives in AL so he can't take up much of their time, love and affection.

Life is so short and we can't go through it feeling bitter. It is so much sweeter when we love. You are right in this situation...now you just need to tell everyone about your decision and tell them your mind is made up.

Good luck!!!

PS I'm from SC. Grew up there most of my life. I miss it very much.

Hello L.,

I have the same story about my bio. father. But, he has choosen not to communicate. Never has seen my two children. (11 & 9 and they know of him and have seen photos) I understand your feelings. Go with your "Loving" spirit and have the children be introduced. Then it will be up to your father to 'continue' the relationship if he chooses. I hope this non-professional outlook works for you.

Good Luck and I will be thinking of you....

Heather

I understand what you are saying. I had a bio father that never wanted anything to do w/ me from the minute he found out I was on the way. He was just a total womanizer only wanting a good time, my mom didn't even found out till he died a couple yrs ago that when they were together over 25 yrs ago he lied about his age(he was older then he told her).
She married my dad just before I turned 2 as well and he has always been my dad. My mom made the right choice I think by always telling my about the bio-donor from as early as I can remember. I too was always a bit curious about him I even called him once when I was 16, I told him my name and that my mother said he was my bio-donor(not that I used the donor word w/ him) andd he made the comment "yea, that's what she says". That pretty much told me he had no regrets for his behavior. I still remained curious for years though for the simple fact that I knew I had an older 1/2 brother that most likely knew nothing about me.
My mom called me and told me when the bio-donor died (against my dad's thoughts) and I even surprised myself when I cried over it, but I think it was just the thought that I would never have a chance to find out any info on the bro. I made the decision to go back for the funeral, I got a sympathy card, made a copy of my adoption papers that listed bio-donors name and wrote my brother a long letter taht I didn't want anything but to let him know I exsisted. I didn't expect anything in response so I was STUNNED when he called me that very night. He had in fact never heard anything about me and himself didn't have a very good relationship w/ his father.
We have gotten to know each other pretty well and don't talk too often anymore as we are just both busy w/ life but at least we know we are both out there.
You just have to really follow your heart, if you think you want or need a relationship w/ your bio-dad then you need to make that choice, hopefully your parents will understand but also expect there to be some hurt feelings. You are a parent and can some degree can understand I'm sure the thought of sharing your child w/ someone that to you never contributed anything to help in their raising or molding. We all just love our kids and don't want to see them hurt or make bad choices, even our parents! GOOD LUCK!!

L., my heart goes out to you, what a tough call and long reaching decision to have to make. My best advice is do what you think best after taking into consideration any advice you get. I would suggest finding out the reasons from your parents and husband- would it harm your kids to know their other grandpa? Life is very short and the more people we have on our side loving us and supporting us, even if it is long distance the easier it is to handle the tough stuff life dishes out. Life really isn't fair and the hard stuff comes in so many ways and forms, as moms we have tough decisions to make about our kids and who we allow into their lives and most of all we hope that those in our lives support our choices especially if they don't agree. How much would this grandpa really be involved? How many times a year would he get to see his grandkids? If he shows only love to the grandkids why not let them be showered with all the love that can be shown to them? My three kids are all Under 6 and have so many grandparents in their lives I don't even try to explain biological verses "love" grandparents. It is a title they tend to give people who are in their lives and mean just something extra. The relationship is based on my kids feelings of these people in their lives. Their biological grandparents and great grandparents all live hours away so don't see them very much but boy do my kids know their love. Just as great is the love my kids get from "Nana" who lives just an hour away yet acts like a very loving grandma we dream of. Great grandparents don't do much or see them much but get pics and updates and my oldest is just now starting to ask to go see them just to go fishing! I guess I am saying the realtionship with each grandparent is different and should be let formed as it will between them with the kids best interest at heart and grandparent jealousy needs to be dealt with only at the adult level. Deal with all problems at the adult level and give the kids the best for their level. Your kids are what matter most- so keep their best interest in mind. Hope this helps, sorry if it rambles.
A.

It takes alot for a person to change dear. If I were you I would ALWAYS be careful and look at this person's history. If he was a abusive and negectful it isn't likely there will be a miracle and he will change towards your children. This whole letter spoke to me on so many levels. Here is what I suggest.
A. If you want to come out in the open then sit down and talk to your children about your dad. Tell them that he is a troubled person but even troubled people deserve to be loved and recognized. BUT because he is troubled you have to keep him at a distance. Think of a wild animal...we love them, we can study them, they are interesting but if we get too close they will bite! You want them to know him but it would be best if they kept it through supervised letters. They will have to learn about dificult people in their lives and it is better to learn THIS way under safe, controled circumstances. And now that you have opened the door of communication with him, be VERY clear that you are controling contact. If he knows where you live he may try to see them without your knowledge. I would be very strong in my language with him that you know his history and will not tolerate him breaking "the rules". Be willing to completely break it off from him if he does. Keep always the idea of a wild animal in your head. CAUTION! USE CARE! DON'T FEED THE ANIMALS!

B. You need to understand yourself. Those of us that have had disfunctional or distanced parents have to understand that it wasn't US that had the problem. There is nothing more you can do to change this person to make them love you, be something they aren't, be a better person. He can't be more than he is. Love him but don't trust him. That is a sad statement but true. You are very lucky to have a stepdad that loves you! Wishing and wanting that it had been your real dad won't make it so.

C. Come out to your mom and dad. Re-inforce your decision to keep your stepdad as G-pa and that you love them. There may be more to this story than you know. Understand that they love you and are only trying to protect you and the children.
And lastly...good for you for having such a forgiving spirit. Just be careful not to forgive for the wrong reasons.

I think it is wonderful that you are such a forgiving person and that you have set up a relationship of sorts with your Dad. Remember that others are not like you, for many it is very difficult to forgive. Your mother went through a lot and your step father has been so wonderful to you, it is more important that you do not break his heart, than that you hurt your real dad. He has done some things and one of the consequences of those things are that he may be hurt by this situation. When your children are much older it might be time to tell them the truth, but for now write to your Dad The reason a letter is good is that you can pick your words better and have your whole say without your dad sidetracking you. Some things to say are that you have tried to spare his feelings, but are now feeling uncomfortable about the situatation of not being honest with him. You have not told your children about him and do not want to for the forseeable future. Tell him you appreciate that he can understand your feelings about this and that he will respect them. Don't go on too long or he might sense that you are not sure of yourself and not accept it as well. If you are firm, he will be more accepting. Now you are asking something of him. You might be pleasantly surprised by his reaction, or you might be unpleasantly surprised, but don't let him get to you. When a child is rejected they often have a very sensitive heart and as an adult they need to learn to protect themself. Write to Mamasource again if things don't go smoothly.

I never lie to my children, so that being said, if they ask, answer questions honestly. If they don`t ask don`t say anything until they are older. The fact that he had an abusive personality, unless he has received help concerns me. I would not want my children exposed to someone who may or may not hurt them, if they have a history.

You should go on with loving your bio Dad, but proceed with caution. Your (step)Dad should understand you if he is a loving person who cared about your well being all of your life and loved you.

Barbara

Let me briefly explain where I'm coming from with this advice, so it makes a little more sense. My husband and I got married just before my son turned two. My husband adopted my son soon after. We were in limbo of what to do with the biological father's place in my son's life. We decided that the best way to go about it was to tell my son that he used to have a different dad, but that daddy (my husband) was his dad now and would always be. We didn't want him to find out from someone else or later on in life and be too shocked by it, so we just casually brought it up one day, and then followed his lead with giving more details- just let him ask the questions when he's ready. He'll occasionally ask a question about him, but for 99.9% of the time, it's not something that crosses his mind.
Your kids are a little older, though (I told my son when he was about 5), so it may be a little trickier. But maybe you can tell them that you used to have a different father, but that your step dad is your DAD.
Does that make sense?
Let them ask their questions, but in the end, actions speak loudest and they'll know that your dad(step) is their real grandpa.
Hope that helps!

L., you're in a sticky situation and nobody can tell you what to do. It's what's in your heart that counts. My parents retired to Florida when my daughter was 2 1/2.They traveled back and forth all year long (snowbirds). When they were in Illinois they "made time" to see the kids 3-4 times if lucky because they were still young and very busy with get-togethers with their friends. Once in a while a card came in the mail for one of my kids or my twins' kids who lived on and off with me maybe 10 times during their lives. I would try to strenghen the idea of "g-ma and g-pa are very busy but they love you all very much". They may have bought it for a while but to this day, NONE of the children have any feelings toward my mother (g-pa deceased). They all feel that love is in the things you do, not in what you say. Anyway, I hope this gives you something to ponder. I guess we all can only do what we think is best and the kids will at some time think what they want. I guess getting them thru those younger are most important.

Why wouldn't you tell your kids about their grandfather? They have a grandfather. Be up front and tell them early, so they always know, and it will never be a big deal. How big of a deal will it be when they are old and find out that they have a grandfather and you never told them? Your step father has no say in this matter.

My husband was married before we married and my father left our family when I was two. All of our kids know about both people/situations and it is just what it is. No big deal. My father died last week and it wasn't a big deal and no one felt bad b/c they weren't given the chance to meet him. think about it.

L.
I beleive that people make mistakes. Who are we not to forgive.Life is to short, Both your children are of age to decide if they would like to meet him or not. Be positive and leave the past where it belong's behind.

i think that you should forgive him.forgiving is not a bad thing. in Luke 17 Jesus says that if your brother sins, rebuke him, if he repents forgive him. if he sins against you 7 times in one day and he repents then forgive him.i know its probably hard for your mom and step dad to forget that his actions has destroyed a family, but explain to them that you are going to whats right in Gods eye's and whats right for your children, and that is introducing them to they're whole family. if your bio dad really wants to know your children then you shouldn't deny him that realationship. i know how you feel being pressured by your family to do something that you dont want to do, but remember that perfect love drives out fear. Also explain to your bio dad that you letting him see your children is making your family struggle and tell him firmly that he better appriciate it because it doesn't have to happen. but the bottom line is just do what you know is right and tell your family that you are not doing this to make them feel bad or disrespect them. your just doing what you know is right. God Bless you!

L.,
First of all, people do have a right to be forgiven, and given room to grow, change, and improve. Afterall, life is to short to hold onto negative feelings if you can forgive, move on, and create a new relationship. He is your father, and what a special gift you can give him by sharing your adult life with him, and his grandchildren. That's what I do with my father. My parents got divorced when I was 13, and we saw him some over the years, not as much as I would have liked, but I accept him for who he is and the relationship that I can have with him now, and with my four children. Life isn't easy, we can make it easier or harder, and we can choose love and peace over anger. Your children would benefit from knowing him and letting him love them and you too!

Hi L.,
It's like you're my kindred! I have a similar situation, and I am dealing with this same issue, but my son is only 11 months so I'm still in the "what am I going to tell him?" phase. I'm actually trying to deal with it in my therapy right now because a part of me doesn't want him to be hurt by my father like I was (just his overall lack of caring about me has made me feel completely unloved) but at the same time, will he resent me when he's older for not telling him? I call my stepfather by his first name so he will probably ask why.
In my opinion, your kids are old enough to make their own decisions about it, and it may be a learning experience for them about people making mistakes and learning from them. I've noticed too that some people are better at being grandparents than parents, especially men. On the flipside, if your father hurts their feelings by not being a good grandpa it could be a bad situation, but again, I think your kids are old enough to deal with it.
It's good that you're such a forgiving person, and especially good that your father apologized to you. Maybe it's time to turn over a new part of your life with him. He isn't really your "dad" but he is someone that you should know. Explain that to your (step)dad. Your father will never be your dad, any man can be a father but only a few can be good dads. Good luck and please let me know what you end up doing - it may help me too!

L. ~ Your not more angry because you are hoping that your biological father will step up to the plate and be a grandpa. The fact is he has made a choice not to want to see your children. When he says give them a kiss for me and tell them I Love them. How can he say he loves them, he does not even know them. He could have the kind of love "Love all Mankind" but he can not have a personal one on one grandpa kind of love because he does not even know your children.
I see your problem but is trying to explain to your children why your biological father does not want to see them really worth it. Children in this day and age have enough growing pains and issues and another problem may not be worth it.
When all is said and done, if you think your children should see your biological father them you need to pack them up and take them to him. But remember if he does not want a relationship like you were praying for with them, you will have to pick up the pieces later. One the other hand they may be just fine with it all.

My husbands father, who has now passed, was never a real grandfather to our son or my husbands older son. I think over the 17 years before his passing he saw our son maybe 10 times. He only lived 5 miles away from us. He made the choice. But my husband says he never really wanted to spend time with me or my siblings when we lived in the same house.
Our son has my parents who love him dearly and he just looked at my husband father and step-mother as someone who sent him a gift for his birthday and at Christmas.

Think long and hard about your next move before you make it and spend sometime praying about what the out come might or might not be. Good Luck....

S.

I tend to agree with you on the forgiveness side. These things cannot be measured. Of course on some level it's easy to make the case that bad dad doesn't deserve the love of grandchild. But as you point out, maybe he needs that love way worse then good dad. My child has a good and bad dad too, but bad dad (bio dad) has come around in the last few years. Does that mean good (step) dad is now out in the cold? NO. It means my child's life is richer because he has two dads that love him and that he loves. Now how can you argue with that? The fact is any biological parent or grandparent can make a case in a court of law that they have the "right" to see the child, no matter how "good" or "bad" they have been. It would be a pity if it came to that. Everybody should love more and hate less. end of story.

Hi L.,Family issues can be so complicated and being the nice guy dosen't always pan out the way it should. Women have a tendency to want everyone to be happy and save everyone. You should not beat yourself up this is not your doing your kids come first and the people who always stuck by you toxic people only hurt the whole situation and take away precious time from who really cares. You can't change your bio father, just give yourself a break and let time take care of this for now enjoy life and your great family the ones who stick by you. Have a great summer A.