How Do I Do This??? - Ten Sleep,WY

I'm not sure what the laws are where you live, but in Iowa, you have to be married at least 12 months or else child services and DHS will have to come to your house and do inspections. My son is now 12 and my hubby and I have been together since he was 5. We were married almost 2 years ago and he adopted my son last August. It was my son's idea. Our lawyer sent my x papers to sign and it took him almost 5 months to do so. But in that time he had gone to a lawyer to have him look over the papers, I guess, and then asked if he would be able to contact my son when he turns 18. He is a BIGGG dead beat dad (well was to my son and I'm sure he still is with his other son). Anyway, our lawyer told us her first move would be to get him to sign the papers and if he wouldn't, she would move forward to have his rights removed. I don't really know all that would have been involved as we didn't get that far, but my lawyer sounded like she had all she needed if it did go that far, but she had also been working with us for the past few years dealing with him, so she knew what kind of person he was and about all that had happened in the past couple of years with him.
I think if you do have to go that route you will need information about him and you'll have to have a reason why he should have his rights removed. Not paying child support is not a good enough reason. Courts won't even take visitation away for that, because the two have nothing to do with each other. You should document every time he calls and if he only talks to you and what he talks about. Why is he calling you every few months if he isn't calling to talk about your daughter?? That seems odd to me. But you should begin documenting everything with him and write down as much about past dealings as you can remember.
As far as talking to him or his family about it. If you are comfortable doing that, then it is up to you to talk to them first or not. In my case, I think if I had he wouldn't have signed. In my humble opinion, only tell them if you don't think they will freak out and get upset with you. You can explain to him and to them that he will still have the option of seeing her and so can they because it is an open adoption, but don't expect them to be happy about it. Have you ever mentioned it to him before or will this be a total shock to him if you do say something to him?? Even though he is a nice guy and such, things may change when he is no longer financially/leagally responsible for her. He won't feel obligated to see her. And if you are going to push on to have his rights removed if he doesn't sign the papers, I wouldn't plan on him being too happy about it.
My x nor his family ever kept in touch with us, so we gave them no warning.
Sorry for the long post. I hope the information I posted is/was helpful to you.
I wish you the best in the process. It is a long process. Ours took about 7 months or so, with most of the time us not knowing anything because our lawyer was waiting to hear from him or his lawyer on if he was signing the papers or not. Waiting is tough, but it was well worth it! It was one of the best things we've done.
Best of luck to you both!! If you have any specific questions, please feel free to send me a message and I would be happy to try to answer them. I may have forgotten things that I would remember if asked about them.
Hugs and God Bless! K.

I have been through a very simular situation. Long story short, my ex-husband did most of the same only he did pay his child support. It went very simple for me I must say. I called him one day to talk about past medical bills for the kids and to tell him that I had claimed both kids on the taxes this year. I then proceeded to ask him if he had ever thought about signing his rights over on the kids. He actually said that he had been thinking about it. I am sure that it helped when I gave him the total of what he owed me. I told him that if he would sign the kids over, then I would call it even and he would not have to pay anything at all to me. I also added in to think of the kids and how they felt and what would be best for them in the long run, and how they would be taken care of best. I went to my lawyer and he did all the paper work and sent it to my ex. Once we received it back from him, it went pretty fast. My husband now was able to adopt both of the kids and everyone is much happier now. The judge was awesome as well she had the kids go behind her bench and she gave them each a stuffed animal to remember their big day. The ex is totally out of our lives now and the kids weren't even phased by it. They had not seen their father in about 4 yrs and hadn't talked to him in about 1 yr. Hopefully you can convince him and his family that it would be best for your child! I wish you the best and if you have any questions, write me.
A.

i haven't been thru this before.. but i like what crystal said:-)

to add my 2 cents.. i would do it in a call or in person.. not a letter.. unless a lawyer recommends that..
good luck.. i'm feeling for you and what seems to be a difficult place right now.

M. I was in this situation when I was younger. But as the child! My mom had me when she was 17 and my biological father just turned 16!! When my parents met I was in heaven someone that loved me as much as my mom and that was such a great feeling for me. If this is the only father that your daughter knows then Congrats for her and her new daddy!! Do what you have to do to get that sdoption done!! But I would talk to the Biological father in person just the two of you. Let him know who you are feeling and let him know that if he wants to be a part of your daughters life this is not stopping him.
I didn't met my biological father until I was 13 and because it was my choice. I knew that I was adopted, but I really never wanted to know about anything else. Then when I was 12 I had to do a family tree...That was when I started to ask questions. I think if you do this in a non threatning way he will go along with it to make you and your daughter happy!!
Good Luck!!
A.

I dont know much about the laws for the father of the child vs the daddy of the child, but I do know that there are grandparent laws that allow grandparents rights to see their grandchild when there is a divorce and when rights have been turned over. Plus if they are active in her life, then you dont need to cut them off just because their son gave up his rights. There is no such thing as too many grandparents and chances are, as your child gets older, more elderly couples will "adopt" your baby has their grandchild. I have had so many adopted grandparents in my day and my children have several too. Good Luck!

i know this isn't an easy thing to go thru the way i put it with my ex husband was by signing the papers your not saying that shes not your daughter anymore or that i'm not going to let you see her but just taking the burden of child support away from you because you haven't been paying it anyways and i don't want court to come after you for all the back stuff you owe, i still intend to let you and your family be part of her life becuase they are a part of it and always will be... i don't know if that will help you at all but its what i did..

Me personally I would do it in person if at all possible. People are far less courageous in my experience in person. He will pry fight you less and have some decorum. I think you will have far better results in that situation than the phone and via post. Not to mention telling someone you are making someone else their daughters father is a big blow. Regardless if the guy is in his daughter life or not I'm willing to guess that he is still gonna take this as a blow.

Hi M. W. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. Go ahead with the adoption. If your ex. wanted to be in her life, he would have been. He sounds like a dead beat dad to me. I would also suggest that you wait to go through the adoption, just tell your daughter gets older. She can help you in your decision. I would like to recommend that you visit with child welfare and explain the situation with them. They can help you persuade the judge that adoption is best for your daughter. They help me tremendously when I wanted custody of my grandson. His father was a complete dead beat dad and I am the one that raised him since birth (he is now 9). Child welfare does have it's advantages. They also like the pr (doing something good for a change). Good luck and let me know what you decide.
D. L.

I don't know how to do this but I do have some advice. My parents divorced when I was three and my mom remarried a fabulous man when I was six. He has been the only dad I have ever known. When I was about seven he tried to leagally adopt me and my brother but my dad flat out refused to sign the papers eventhough we never saw him and he never paid child support. When I was in grade school I used my stepdads (I consider him my dad) last name. I used it all through high school and when I graduated I had my last name hyphenated so that it was legal but I still had the name I was used to using. When I got married a few years ago I had my step dad walk me down the isle not my dad. My step dad has been there for me through the ups and downs and we decided a long time ago that a last name is just a last name. Just because you share a last name with a person doesn't make him your dad, and just because you don't share a last name with a person doesn't make him less of a dad. Best of Luck, hope this helps.

I have 7 children 2 of them aren't biological, I would love to adopt them but there biological mother will not hear of it, she hasn't spoken to them in almost 8 years, they are now 13 and 14, I wouldn't adopt them unless it was a decision they wanted and now they do, they are of an age to make that decision. But since there bio mom won't allow it we are going to wait until they are 18. Why the rush? Is it financial? Here's the thing they are mine! Just as your husband is her daddy. In the end, when she's all grown up that is going to be the only thing that matters to her, she is going to know who wiped her tears and mended her broken heart as a teenager. Growing up my "father" was a man my mom had been dating, my dad was rarely present in my life. He walked me down the isle when I got married, he was the man I looked up to. And your daughter will too.

Now since that wasn't really your question, here is a way to approach it, try to call a family meeting on his side of the family and sit down and explain your reason for wanting the adoption, and let them know that the adoption doesn't mean that can't be a part of her life that there involvement, is still very important to your daughter and you and your new husband. But do it in person so that they can see just how sincere you really are.

Hello my name is H. and I have been throuth some of these things myself.
First of all I think that you should tell his family in person they can't hold it against you if he biological dad isn't in the picture at all, and her daddy that she see's everyday has been there. I would still let them have visitation if they would like, since she is blood to them.
I do like how you want to still give him visitaion, because your right he is still her blood and when she get's older she is still going to wonder about her biological fauther, and him having visitaion will make it easier.
you are just going to have to go and tell him in person if you can, or if you must over the phone. Let him know what your terms are. If he is a decent person at all he will see that this would be the best thing for the child, because it will make her family stronger.
I hope you can use any of this, GOOD LUCK!!
You never know how these kinda things are going to turn out, so keep your head up high though it all.

I am in the same situation but the other side of it. I have a 4 year old daughter that lives with her father and his new wife in another state. I have always paid my child support but I haven't always seen my daughter. The new wife has been in the picture since my child was 1 year old. My daughter sees me once or twice a year maybe. My ex-husbands new wife asked me if she could adopt my daughter a few months ago. I have agreed to the adoption. They have agreed to let me and my family still see her and communicate with my daughter but they have stipulated that neither I nor my family mention to her that I am her mom. I agreed beings she has called me by my first name since she was 2. If you are in contact with her biological dads family then sit them down and talk to them. Make sure they understand that no matter what they are still her grandparents. If your ex isn't willing to sign over his rights mention to him that he does owe you back owed child support and that their are legal repricusions to that. Maybe offer to not pursue the back owed if he willing lets your husband adopt her. If he doesn't want to allow the adoption try mentioning to him that he either needs to be in her life and see her all the time or he needs to allow the adoption. Having a parent that comes in and out of a childs life as it suites them only does damage to a childs mind and emotions. Ask him to do what is in the best interest of your child.

I would definitely let his family know what is going on being that they seem to have an interest in your daughters life. As for her biological father I just dont know what is up with some men. I just dont know anyone can be involved in their own childs life part time. My son sees his father once a week, sometimes for an hour sometimes a few hours. I know if he had custody i would be over to visit a few times a week maybe more but some men seem to have a different view on how much time they desire to spend with their child. As far as the adoption is concerned the only thing that would change is his obligation to pay child support. Like you said not much would change except the legalities and the fact that you said that you will allow an open adoption backs that. Of course you would probably feel more comfortable letting the lawyer handle delivering the news but wouldint you rather approach this in a mature way? Hopefully he is mature enough to work with you on this of course by the sounds of things I dont see why he would have any issues because you are not completely cutting him, or his family, out of her life. No amount of legal jargon is going to change genetics and no matter what he will always be her dad and she should probably know who he is as long as he is still willing to be in her life, even if it is only, well less then, part time.
I think that what I am getting at here is just approach it with a level of maturity and all should be ok. If they are not at first then just remember that it is out of your hands and things have a way of working themselves out and you just need to worry about yourself and your family. I wish you lots of luck with this. Please post to let us know what happened if you want.
K.