December 26, 2013,
C.A. asks from Dallas, GA on December 23, 2013
I have been married for 16 years. Now I realize that dynamics change and my husband and I have shared our own problems within the relationship and I just really not sure what to do. For quite sometime now my husband and I have argued over sex. Its not what you think....im the one doing the complaining that its not enough. When I try to explain to him that I feel neglected, lonely, crushes my self-esteem, etc. He states he loves me yet that is not an important dynamic anymore to him. Okay....but it is to me??? last year he experienced some issues meaning he couldnt always keep his erection and he blamed it on the fact he was tired. I told him then he needed to go to the doctor. He eventually went and the doctor prescribed him viagra. Unfortunately, the insurance only covered a little bit and wanted like over $200 for just three pills! That went out the window fairly quickly. So then we decided we would try diet and excercise. He lost a lot of weight and the issue seemed to get better but there were still moments. Ive told him time and time he needs to get his testerone checked but you cant make a horse drink the water even if you lead him to it. In june he lost his father and I know he is depressed. After me basically telling him he needed to go see the doctor for months now he finally went last week and was put on lexapro. That still didnt fix the other issue though and I dont think he even mentioned to the doctor about the issues nor was his testerone tested either......still! I dont know what else to do to get across to him the lack of sex is really affecting me. Im lucky if we have sex once a month. I dont believe he is cheating....dont see how he would have the time and there would be other signs. I do believe porno could be an issue because it has been in the past but even then we had sex more often and he didnt have the issues either so I dunno. Why would a person neglect their spouse knowing full well it causes arguements. Oh and why would you sext me things like we need to have sex and get me all worked up about it and then fall asleep and not deliver? Im growing very tired of it all and feel like I have expressed my hurt and my feelings to him that he doesnt care enough for me to try and fix this. Ive tried telling him about maca but he isnt consistant in taking it????? I hate to say this because as much as I understand depression and realize he has a lot going on and try to be understanding and patient im ready to throw in divorce. Yes divorce because that would be better than to cheat....not that im thinking that because I wouldnt do that but sometimes I just want that intimate feeling that sex gives. No amount of oral vibrator etc. Really does it for me. Ive tried everything in the book ladies to get this man interested such as walking by naked or specifically being up front about what I want/need and im told oh I will be up later. Let me finish watching this show or let me finish this conversation with his brother. Ive never met a man that wouldnt literally throw down what they were doing to go have sex with their wife????? It makes me feel ugly unwanted unloved and quite neglected. Am I just doomed to be in a sexless relationship? He would probably be happy with that but im not and I dont consider myself abnormal. Ive tried to give suggestions but there is never any follow through on his part. Im very hurt that he wouldnt be proactive enough for something that could be a simple fix.
P.G. answers from Dallas on December 23, 2013
When a man is having problems in that area, when it doesn't happen, they feel like less of a man. He's probably so anxious now that it's not possible for him to relax enough to get an erection.
You need to find a way to accept that, at least for now, sex involving penetration isn't going to happen. Penetration isn't intimacy.
Rethink sex. Back off. Be with him in every other way. Watch TV WITH him, rebuild the intimacy without the sex, sext him and pleasure yourself WITH him so that you are connected. Stop pressuring him.
Stop thinking this is "simple" because it's sex, and guys should just be able to get it up at the drop of a hat. It's not working. Make sure he is healthy. You are "feeling hurt" but he is the one that has had the health issues - you need to stop taking it personally and accept that he's having challenges. If you stop taking it personally, you will relax, he will pick up on that, and things may begin to change, but this is NOT a quick fix situation.
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K.R. answers from Dallas on December 23, 2013
There are multiple things going on here:
1. Erectile dysfunction is the first sign of heart disease, take your husband to a cardiologist or some kind of doctor to get him examined (http://www.webmd.com/erectile-dysfunction/news/20130129/e.... That isn't the site where I got my info but it might give you some insight.
2. Two words: love languages. How do you communicate love compared to your husband? My husband's love language is quality time and words of affirmation and mine above anything else is physical touch. So his emotional tank is filled by us just basically being around each other, and it doesn't matter what we are doing, he just wants to hang out we could be doing the dishes and he will love just being with me, me, on the other hand, I NEEEEEED physical touch, like I will go crazy, without kissing, snuggling, wrapping my arms around him, something, anything! The problem with this: he gets irritated that I touch him so often and I get irritated that he doesn't touch me enough. We have had sooo many conversations about this, and it is starting to get better but he is also willing to try. How do you think your husband would respond to a conversation about this? Have your husband take this quiz (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/) and you do the same, then sit down and talk about it, it might reveal something about your husband that you didnt' know.
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I.O. answers from McAllen on December 23, 2013
The longer one goes without sex, the easier it is not to have it.
What is your approach with your husband? If you're getting on him about it, then you're likely pushing him away further. That's how men operate, moving further away the more you push. I'm not insensitive to your plight, but--from your account--it sounds like you always approach him from the perspective of YOUR needs. He needs to get checked out and back on track so he can fulfill his sexual obligations to you. Oh, the pressure. Try to think more in terms of getting him checked out so he can be his healthy self. Tell him that you do want sex, but even moreso, you want him to be healthy and that your concern is that this drastic change means that he is not firing on all cylinders.
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C.B. answers from San Francisco on December 23, 2013
My first thought is that with all your "nagging" (sorry - hate to use that word but really couldn't think of another) and the fact that he's had problems in the past, he's gun shy. My best advice is to leave it alone for a while - give HIM a chance to initiate. My hubby and I have a very active sex life but he always says that I never initiate. I tell him it's because he never gives me a chance. He's ready every night as soon as we get into bed. When is there a chance for me to initiate when he's trying to initiate every night as soon as is practicable? So, I say back off, even if it's for a month, and see if he doesn't initiate once he's feeling like he's relaxed enough about it to try.
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S.H. answers from Honolulu on December 23, 2013
Maybe he just feels like less of a man, because you are the "hunter" in this.
Thus, it is an emotion based 'problem' for him.
Sex is not just getting off and physical for men.
How was it when you were just dating?
Who initiated it more then?
He said he loves you, but it is not "an important dynamic anymore for him."
So that is the truth, for him. But it is not what you want to hear etc.
But somewhere, emotionally for him, he is telling you his feelings.
Maybe he is feeling a disconnect with you... and the other areas of his being. ie: do you both have fun together? Laugh and joke and have normal pleasant conversations with each other? Bond w/each other other than sex? Enjoy each others company without "sex" looming over your heads?
If not, then maybe that is the "problem" for him.
Maybe he just feels like a tool?
"Intimacy" is not just about sex.
Are both of you, intimate w/each other in other ways? Are you both able to confide in each other? Feel safe with each other and telling each other your feelings? How do you both handle conflicts?
All of this, feeds into... physicality and "sex" with your partner.
And even men... do not want to feel as though, they are just a sex tool for their Wife.
Do you feel special and cared for by him, despite the no sex?
Is he a good Husband other than that?
If you did, hypothetically have tons of sex, would you still feel loved/cared for/special to him?
Some people, after sex, they still.... "neglect" their partner.
The 'sex' does not fix it, for them. That closeness etc.
Would he be open to going to couple's counseling?
He's gone to the Doctor for you, all the other times you asked him to.... so to me... he HAS shown, that he cares. He went. For you. He took the meds. For you. He tried. He dieted and exercised, for you. He tried.
He has shown, he CARES. For you.
A man, would NOT do that... unless he cared.
Have you, gone to the Doctor and got a check up?
Checked your hormones etc.
Is "sex" the ONLY way.... you can feel close... to your Husband?
Have you gone to counseling? I am just saying this in a thoughtful way... not meaning to be snarky, so please no offense meant.
And what is that "porno" problem you said he had??? Maybe he still has, that problem????
His Dad also died RECENTLY. Maybe suggest to him, to go to "grief" counseling. Or find a grief support group. That is what my Mom did... when my Dad, died. She found a great community based grief support group, to attend. AND there, she found MANY friends. Because... they ALL could inherently UNDERSTAND what they were all feeling. Grief. Grief can take awhile, to overcome. It is MORE than just "depression."
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G.B. answers from Oklahoma City on December 23, 2013
Antidepressants can make it nearly impossible to get an erection.
I'm sorry you want sex and your husband is older now and lost his interest in it.
You do realize most men his age are going to have similar issues? As men get older they just don't have that teenage hormone stuff going on anymore. They aren't made that way. They are in their sexual prime at a much younger age.
As sad as it is he's aged. He is just not going to be able to perform to your standards/desires.
If he had been hurt in an accident and could not have sex at all what would you do then?
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D.. answers from Miami on December 23, 2013
Write a note to his doctor. (You do have to make it short.) Tell him the part about the insurance and viagra cost, and knowing that depression can cause it. Ask if the lexapro can cause lack of desire. If so, maybe he could give your husband a different depression medicine?
It may be that you have to try a trial separation for him to all of a sudden remember why people get married in the first place...
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M.G. answers from Dallas on December 24, 2013
I hate to say this, and I don't mean to be rude, but you said you and your husband tried diet and exercise, and he lost weight. Did you? While I realize medical issues would be the main problem, if you are overweight, that probably is not helping matters. When his medical
issues/medication is all straightened out, and when you lose weight (if you need to), I'm sure he will want to have sex with you.
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