Sensitive Daughter

What I find personally effective is rather than focusing on what other kids are doing, to focus on what my child is doing in the situation.
For example, I taught my son at an early age that if he wanted to play with other kids and make new friends, then he could go up to them and say "Hi, my name is Brandon. Would you like to play?". This put him in a position of taking responsibility for what he wanted, rather than being a victim of what other kids did.
I believe that in life in general, it is important to view things from a perspective of what am I doing to create situations, or what can I do to create what I want. It is much more empowering and takes one out of victim hood or being at the mercy of others.
I would suggest talking to your daughter about what happened, asking her what she did and how she responded to things. Not in a way of making her wrong, but just to help identify ways she could be more clear with the other kids, or things that might be pushing them away, or even areas where she may have made some misinterpretations about their behavior. I would encourage her to focus on what she could do the next time to make a clear request that she wanted to play. Focusing on what she can do will help to pull her out of the victim hood, and be a valuable tool for life.
Oh, and one other point is that everyone always has personal choice. I've told my son that his role is to do what he can on his end in any situation, and that everyone is not going to make the same choices we make, and that others will not always do what we would like them to, and that's part of life. We can do what we can do, and we need to respect the choices of others. In your daughter's case, after having communicated clearly that she wants to play, if someone doesn't want to, then she can just move on to find a friend who does want to play. After all, ultimately, wouldn't we rather choose friends who choose us back?
This is really a great opportunity to teach your daughter about responsibility, and that's actually good news.
All the best!
M.

4 moms found this helpful

Hi I..
I'm a school teacher. Parents usually share this with me as soon as they notice it so that I can help the child in school. When I notice students having a hard time breaking themselves in at school to get along with others, I help the child in school by doing a lesson on friendships and feelings. We talk about how to make friends and then, I have students pair up in 2-3 and we roll play and I tell them that I will be grading them for one week to see if they are making sure their partners are doing ok. This way the child is not singled out and the kids are doing this with hopes of getting a good grade. Then I ask the focus student if she checked on her partner and I observe if it's working. The student with the difficulty will usually have purpose and then will develop a relationship with his/her partners. I do this early in the year so that kids really learn social skills and we do it 1-2 times a week to address problem behavior. Tell the teacher and see if she can't work it out at the school level. Don't pull out until all efforts have been executed.

2 moms found this helpful

Hi I.,
My son is 5 and pretty sensitive too. It must be the age. He's getting better with it but sometimes (when he is tired or has had a long day) he'll cry if someone doesn't want to do what he wants to do. We're trying to teach him that sometimes he has to do what the other kids want and sometimes they'll do what he wants. Instead of taking your daughter out of school, talk to her teacher to see what the situation really it. The teacher may be able to help sort it out with your help.

Good luck!

I would talk to the teacher and see what she has observed. Some times kids get into a "if you don't do this, or if you play with such and such kids, then you can't be my friend". I've worked with preschoolers for a long time- and both regular ed teachers and special ed teachers work on such issues. You can try also using a social story with her. They started with kids with special needs, but they can be useful for typically developing kids too. Carol Gray is a big name in the field- and you can look her up. Basically what you do is write down and draw a simple picture sequentially to show the type of behavior that is appropriate.

Hi I. -

A lot of what you're talking about is very common. As kids are exposed to social situations more and more, they learn to navigate their emotions & relationships with more ease --- but it can take a while, depending on what sort of personality your daughter has. My daughter is going into 4th and this sort of thing is an ongoing issue with her & ALL of the other girls we know (and some of the boys), in varying degrees. It's no fun at all; but if you think back, you'll recognize it from your own childhood. Girls in particular seem to need their social stuff to be in order, as a priority. The "younger" they are, the more they are apt to focus on just that. I put the quote around younger because some people stay young emotionally for a long time (I know I did). The best thing you can do is listen to her when she tells you about her day, keep explaining things to her, and demonstrate how things work within friendship every opportunity you get.

Actually, let me back up a bit - the REAL BEST thing you can do is make sure she's ready for the situation she's in. Your daughter is 5, and just starting summer school; so she's about to start Kindergarten, yes? Think seriously about whether she's ready. I mentioned that my daugher is about to go into 4th grade. I spent the first 3 YEARS of her schooling wishing I'd had her wait a year to go into Kindergarten. Her birthday is late August, but she was so outgoing and sociable, I thought she was ready. I didn't look at the whole picture. She does ok, but honestly, she struggles. She's a bit more child-like than most of the other girls in her grade. If I'd kept her back, she'd be with girls she's more emotionally/socially compatible with. And academically, I think she'd be in better shape as well because she'd be less distracted by her emotional goings-on.

In our case, by the time I realized I'd made a mistake, it would have meant holding her back for a 2nd year of Kindergarten. But I've always wondered. Her best friends are either younger than her, or they are also on the more sensitive side. I don't know what your plans in the Fall are, but think about it. Is your daughter really going to be able to forget about all the potential play-mates & social hierarchy and focus on academics? Because Kindergarten in most schools is time to sit down & work, whether we like it or not. And I DO think kids are pushed too early too far, academically. But with my family's financial situation, public school was our only choice & the Charter Schools are hard to get into. So that's reality, for us anyway.

I fear I got a bit heavy; but I really want to respond to what I think I hear you saying your daughter is going through (plus to be honest I saw your other post about wondering whether you should hold your daughter back). Seriously -- consider waiting a year, or have her evaluated by whatever resource is available in your school system to determine her readiness for kindergarten. I am NOT suggestion your little girl has emotional problems, any more than I think mine has emotional problems. A lot of it is simply maturing. And 5 is still 4 in many ways, if you take my meaning. Kids mature at different rates. And people have different emotional needs, regardless of their physical age. Some need a bit of help along the way; some need to take the leap into the academic world at a little bit older than others.

I wish you and your family all the best. Take care.
C.

Hi I.-

Hang in there with your daughter. Comfort her and tell her all of her great qualities and that the other kids are missing out on being her friend. This has worked with my son when the kids at the park don't want to play with him. Also reassure her that the kids not playing with her is not her fault. Kids at this age always have a way of making everything their own fault.

Why don't you volunteer at the school and see for yourself what is going on.

I would 'sit-in' and observe a day at school. You will have to explain to her teacher that you need to see how she is interacting with other children and tell your daughter that you need to see how she behaves. There are many things we have to learn to do that we sometimes don't like. It is hard for a 5-year-old to understand that she is not the center of the world. It is usually around six years old they begin to understand that other people have feelings too.

Hi I., I just answered your last request, Don't take her out. Do you treat her like she is sensitive? or do you treat her like she is strong and confident? if not you need to change how you are dealing with her. Taking her away from something or. out of something, just becasue she does not like it, she will want to go through life that way, not good. Keep telling her she can do anything she sets her mind to, and I'm not saying you are doing this, but don't baby her, don't cater to her sensetivity. J.

She's the "baby" so that could be why she feels that way. Typically the household gives into the "baby" and she is always played with so she expects it. On the other hand it's hard to feel like you don't fit in. Sit down with her and talk about her day and what led up to her friends not wanting to play with her...it could be that she wanted to do something that the other kids didn't want to do or it could be that she was playing with her friends and they told her that they didn't want to play with her. You never know what the situation is and with some of the kids these days you never know if they are just mean because she is meek and they can be mean. Talk with her and walk her through how should could have handled the situation or how she might have misconstrued the situation so she can develop the mechanisms needed to interact socially and not feel so isolated if her friends want to do other things and not to be walked all over either. I am a very meek person that went through this a lot as a child but my son is overly social and doesn't understand social situations completely and that the world doesn't revolve around him...so that just tells you that everyone is different; you just have to figure that out. Best wishes.

Stick with it. Your daughter is going to have to start school here in the fall, right? Well, she's not going to have the opportunity to pick and choose who are the kids in her class and who her teachers are. She's going to have to learn to adapt like everyone else. While this sounds harsh, I have first hand experience with the same thing. My daughter started school when she was two...and now she's four. She had a difficult time for the first year. My husband and I were constantly frustrated with her "issues" at school. The teachers encouraged us to let them deal with her at school because that was their job, and if they had concerns, they'd bring them up (which happened from time to time). We dealt with it. And as a result, she is a well adapted child now in school and thoroughly loves it. And it's only been this year that she's really flourished...so 1-1/2 year later...

It's tough, and exhausting, and frustrating, and cumbersome...but that's life. She can't live in a cocoon her entire life, and so as difficult as the adaptation process might be, she will prevail and you will too.

Encouragement from your side is great. Rewards systems (we had a chart/sticker/reward thing going for a couple of years). We encouraged her to stay away from kids that she didn't respond well with, and encouraged her to strike up friendships with those that she liked. Today, she has healthy friendships with many children in her class, deals well with the children that don't 'gel' with her, and works well with her teachers.

Keep up the great work, and I'm sure you'll see the rewards on the other side of it. Cheers, C.

It sounds like a self esteem problem. As odd as it may sound, you might consider yoga. Here's a link to the Yoga Journal addressing the subject. LOL

http://www.yogajournal.com/lifestyle/210

We are struggling with the same thing with our 5yr old. Give it some time if she's just starting school. Some of the kids may already have established relationships (prior to summer school). Asking her what she can offer to the other kids was a great idea. (I might have to use it!) We had a hard time with our daughter only wanting to "play" with the adults at school. She's a first born, we were new to the city (state!) and we didn't know anyone at school. The teacher gave her a "homework" assignment; play with the kids. It worked! It was shocking how well it worked. She still came home with "so and so doesn't like to play with me." So what, I told her. Find someone else to play with. Not everyone is going to want to play with you all of the time, just like you like to play with different kids at different times. She seems to understand that. We'll see how it goes when she starts back to school!

I agree with Michele R. I thought I would add that doing role plays is something we have found very effective with our kids too.

They have been able to learn how to not only create what they want, but also turn sour situations around for their and everyone's benefit.

Effective role plays are done by practicing the situation together. This is followed by praising specific things you feel your child did well and also asking the child, or role player, what they felt they did well. Then you ask them to make one goal to work on. They role play again trying out the new goal. Then you discuss the outcome once again.

You can do each situation you mentioned in your post and more. Your daughter will be developing such wonderful people skills. Just remember to coach her so she does these things for the right reason. If she doesn't think of anyone's feelings but her own, she will cause others to feel manipulated instead of honored and respected.

Hello I.,
I would talk with the teacher, and come early to pick daughter up from school to see how she inacts with the other children. At that point you will be able to determine if she is being over sensitive or not.
Heidi

Find books with stories similar at her situation when girls enjoy to play with others and also alone, or play in the doll house with her and act how to handle the situation.
Let her express confort her and let her choose her options.

This seems to be very normal for 5 year olds. I saw the same thing happen when my son started kindergarten. One minute they're saying, "Your my best friend." The next, "You're not my friend anymore" or "I don't want to be your friend." The teacher addressed the behavior in class. I just worked through the feelings at home. I think what the kids are meaning when they say "you're not my friend" is that they just need a little break from each other. I would just talk with the teacher and make sure he/she knows about it and try to work through it together. I would not pull your daughter out of school, but give her the tools to rise above it. Good luck!

Two things: talk to the teacher and observe from a distance, where she can't see you. I have found that teachers pay more attention to children whose parents are involved. By you observing from a distance, you can see what is going on for yourself.

We are far too protective of our children. Unless she is in danger or is not able to focus on school at all there is no reason to take her out of the school. Children need to learn to handle conflict, even at a young age. They need to learn that not everyone will like them or be nice to them, and learn how to handle it (head held high). I'm not unsympathetic, I'm sure it is extremely difficult to watch your daughter go through this. But it's a good time to teach her life skills instead of trying to protect her from things that she will undoubtedly face again. We all do. Good luck.