My Son's 1St Conflict @ School

I don't think I would have told my child that I was mad at another 4 year old. Honestly this is pretty typical behavior for the age group, and it's a learning curve for all kids involved.

Beyond that, what you said to do was fine.

What is the difference to you between sad and mad? Do you equate sad with passivity (you indicate you are a pushover) but mad with assertiveness or the ability to stand up for yourself?

In reality..... NEITHER emotion indicates action. Emotions and actions are two different things..... please teach your son that.

He might be sad instead of mad. Sad that his friend isn't behaving the way he should. Sad that he can't play the way he wants with his friend. Sad that his friend thinks he can control whether or not he plays with Ninja Turtles.
But that doesn't mean he is going to take it. It just means he's sad instead of mad. That's ok.

Instead - validate whatever it is he is feeling. THEN ask him what he is going to do about it.

I also would try not to put YOUR emotions into it.

I do like the questions you asked him, rather than just telling him what to do first. In the next couple of years he will need to come up with his OWN solutions... so you going through the questions you did will make it easier for him to decide if this is a friend with whom he wants to continue playing.

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ETA - I think you can teach him forgiveness. Ask him Monday if he's going to play with Jason. Let him see that you WERE mad at him, but now you're over it. Then role play what to do with each response.

Oh boy, Mom, buckle up, it's going to be a VERY bumpy ride for you both if this is how you are going to react to such a minor incident.

Do you know how many times my son comes home and tells me that so and so isn't his friend anymore, even though the day before they had a playdate together? When I was in Kindergarten I would run away from my best friend saying, "Stay out of my life!" She continued to be one of my closest friends, and we laughed about it as she toasted me at my wedding.

Young kids don't have evil intentions behind these little things. They do it to get a reaction, to have a little control, etc. It is normal. Completely normal. What is not normal, however, is for a parent to tell their child that they are mad at one of their kid's classmates or playmates.

Last week my son told me that his friend was calling me fat and saying that I have a big belly (I am, and do), but should I really get mad at a little 6 year old? No, but I can teach my son that it isn't ok to say those types of things about people because it can hurt feelings. He did a marvelous job of telling his friend that my belly's going to be getting even bigger because I'm pregnant, but that he shouldn't say hurtful things about people...and then they went on with their recess.

You're going to have to get a thicker skin, and help your son to develop one too. There's no reason to encourage our kids to be angry over such minor infractions.

ETA: A hundred flowers for Hazel for her update on how to handle it going forward. Beautifully said!

I too, would not have told my child I was mad at a another child.

This is a learning experience and you need not teach him to be mad.. he just needs to learn how to stand up for himself and he Will get that with time.

He will feed on your reaction to this other child by saying you are mad too and it will become a way for him to get more attention from you.

Are you mad, of course... we all hate it when someone does our child wrong. We need to keep our emotions in check. We just have to guide our children to manage their emotions and be strong.

Your boy is 4, there will be a lot of issues as he goes through school with friends testing him, testing his limits, etc. Your response to tell your son to tell Jason he is being mean and to go play with other friends is ok. Empower him.

Don't let the fact that you are a "pushover" tuen him into someone more aggressive. When he is a little older and mature, you might enroll him in a martial arts class. They teach WAY so much more than martial arts alone.

Good luck.

This does not sound like a conflict. This sounds like typical 4 years olds trying to navigate the social world. I would allow him to handle this himself. I also think it's really a bad idea to tell your child you are mad at another child. Now he owns YOUR feelings. I would be surprised if your child didn't go to school some day and tell the other one "my mom is mad at you." Sounds immature, right? Stay neutral and empower him, don't make him feel mad, because you do. This is normal conflict resolution. Very valuable experiences for him to be apart of.

Bee:

I don't understand why you want your son mad.

I think you need to guide him but not get too into it. They are 4 years old. This is not a conflict but 4 year olds using their words to see the consequences of them....kinda like the people who say "you can't be friends with her (or him) if you want to be friends with me." They are learning how their words affect other people...they are learning social skills.

I don't you handled it wrong. how would I have handled it? I would have told him pretty much what you said...go play with your other friends...

I would NOT have told him I was mad at Jason. Jason did nothing to me. yes, he hurt my son's feelings. That is going to happen in life. He may go to school next week telling his friends and Jason that YOU are mad at Jason...oh my!!! the problems that will raise. No, I would NOT run and talk to my son about this right now...let it ride....but show him how to handle the issue. Role play with him!

Jason "I don't like TMNT"
Johnny "I do"
Jason "well, if you are my friend you cannot like TMNT and be my friend"
Johnny "that's okay, Jason. There are things you don't like that I do and I still like you."

There are one or two things I don't like about my best friend of 37 years...but I still am friends with her...because that only makes up a SMALL portion of who she is. Heck...no one is perfect and has all the attributes I like...that's life!!!

It's okay to have different likes!! Doesn't make him better. Doesn't make him worse!

I would try NOT to make a big deal of it so your kid doesnt get super sensitive about such things in the future. Mostly you listen, and then figure out how to do a role play with him and give him the tools to walk away from someone that is saying some stupid stuff, or give him a good come back to use. His self esteem needs to be intact, he needs to FEEL he is right and that his opinion is OK too. Bullies are everywhere, we just have to stand up to them and then they shut up.

When my son has conflict with other kids at school (he's in kindergarten) I try to stay very, very neutral about this.

You want him to stand up for himself. Part of doing this is to let *him* get from sad to angry on his own.

And it may not happen. My little guy had trouble recently with a buddy hitting him "accidentally on purpose", not maliciously, but in a way I'm sure the other kid considered playful. We had some 'so, how did it feel when he did that' and 'what did you say to him', 'do you think you want to ask the teacher for some help' questions for him, but here is the thing...

I want my son to decide to be mad because *he's* had enough. NOT because I want him to be mad.

I did discuss it discreetly with the teacher, and the next time the hitting happened, the teacher handled it beautifully. She spoke to the entire group about speaking out, and then had Kiddo and his buddy sit and talk to each other. They worked it out.

Lastly, your son is VERY little. Just keep that conversation simple: "If you don't like how someone is treating you, then find another friend to play with." He can tell the other kid that they're being mean, however, actions speak far louder than words. As he gets older, you can gently teach discernment: some friends are gentler than others. Some play more nicely. Some are easier to be with. Support those friendships.

And if you feel like YOU are a pushover, may I gently encourage you to talk to someone about that? This way, you can deal with your stuff and not project your fears onto your son. :) You will feel better and believe me, the pressures on a parent only grow as your child does. You do not want to be asked to be involved in this, that and the other (or to be giving in to your kid) as he ages. Please know this is said out of genuine concern-- I, too, see my own 'trouble spots' and how easy it is for me to have those fears for my son. It's taken a lot of awareness, thinking before speaking, and staying neutral when situations arise so that I don't pass those issues along.

Good luck!

ETA: to rectify it, as it were-- simply do not bring it up. Don't ask on Monday "And how was Jason treating you today?" or fish, as some parents might. Just let the topic come up naturally. Kids have short memories sometimes, so unless he comes back to it, ("mommy, you were mad at Jason") and then I would reply "You know, I was upset because you were upset. And I also know that kids sometimes do and say things which hurt other people, because they are still learning how to get along with other kids. And I'm not mad any more, because I think that you can be friends with Jason and tell him when you don't like what he's doing or saying."

I'd stay out of it. Kids need to learn how to solve conflicts on their own without constant interference from parents. I work with adolescents and the ones who have the toughest times are those whose moms try to be involved in every conflict/ experience they have. I know your kid is only 4, but he can handle this on his own. As long as he knows you're there at the end of the day, he'll be fine.

Let him handle this one on his own. This incident is typical of the four year old set. In the end it will be a great learning experience for him.

Please don't "want him to get mad." That is exactly the opposite of what his preschool is teaching him. At this age they (I hope) are teaching the children how to use your words, how to be a good friend and how to solve conflicts, not how to be angry when someone is mean or hurts your feelings.
Next time say, oh that wasn't very nice of him was it? How did that make you feel? What did you say, did you tell him that hurt your feelings? If it's a good school they will be doing all these things as well, it's part of being 3, 4 and 5: learning how to safely and effectively express feelings. If there is an ongoing problem bring it up with his teacher but honestly it just sounds very age appropriate and normal.

My son comes home once a week saying similar things. Instead of putting my emotions into it I simply say "how did that make you feel", "what did you do" and "did you tell the teacher?" if it involves the other child being physical or wrecking his work. I tell him to tell the child to stop being mean and if they don't listen after two times to leave the situation and either find another friend to play with or tell the teacher. Preschool is a mecca for this behavior. I spend several mornings a month in the class and I overhear all the time "you're not invited to my b-day party", "i don't like you" and more. I dont think half the kids even know what they mean when they say these things. It's just all a part of figuring it out socially.

Take a step back, Mom. Would you want another parent to say they were mad at your 4 year old, for any reason? Or would you want them to realize at 4 that these type of situations are typical and necessary if children are going to grow into being able to effectively resolve conflicts on their own? Preschool is where they develop their social skills, your son may have done quite well in the past but it's an ongoing process.

Sadness is a valid feeling for your son, your anger or encouraging his truly has no place in this. Focus on him, not the other child. Explain to him that he needs to play with children he feels happy with, not those who make him sad, allow him to use his feelings to learn. He needs to see that he has many friends, not just Jason.

These conflicts arise on a daily basis, this isn't the last he will experience by any means. My guy will turn 4 next month and he faces the same thing, and instigates it at times, too. So my perspective is coming from being the "mean" child's parent. "You don't like pirates? You're not my friend." :-/ We're working on it, but he already lost a darling girl as a friend because of it. He's wanting to play with her, but she was told he's mean and they can't play together anymore by her parents, so he's learned a lesson.

Which reminds me, do not be surprised when your son goes to school and tells Jason you and he are mad at him, (trust me, they do) and his parents then snub you. The darling little girl's parents and I used to talk, now they won't even look at me because of what my guy said to their daughter. They told her not to play with him anymore, that he's mean, and she can't come to his birthday party. So rather than allowing their daughter to grow through the experience, the kids are cut off from each other. The teacher can't get in the middle at this point but knows these type of things happen daily and the kids are usually friends again the next day and playing together.

I hope the boys can work it out.

I wouldn't put too much stock into it. Four year olds are still very immature. They don't understand the impact of the words they say (which they probably heard from someone else) or really understand what they're saying, for that matter. What I'm saying is that I don't think most kids that age mean to mean. They just don't know any better.

I would've just told DD not to play with "mean" kids and to find friends that are nice to her. I definitely wouldn't tell my kid I was mad, because that would be coloring the child's response to the situation instead of letting him feel his own feelings. Instead, now he thinks he should be mad because you have told him he should be. He doesn't need to be mad. The bigger deal you make of it, the worse you'll make it for him. Step back and see what happens.

this is perfectly normal.
it's also normal and okay for HIM to be mad at jason, but you're the adult and need to model for your son the behavior you want him to emulate eventually.
and i hope that's not anger.
these little fellows are only 4. you can't expect little jason to behave maturely any more than you can expect your son to accept it maturely.
ask questions, listen, mirror his responses. help him work through it, don't tell him what he *should* feel or how he *should* respond. you want to raise a thinking, empathetic person, right?
khairete
S.

Sorry -- I think I'm in the minority here. I don't think it's wrong to show your child it's OK to be mad at someone who is behaving badly. I think it's also a good opportunity to help your child understand what to do with angry feelings.

I agree you shouldn't make a big deal out of it and this is typical for 4yo kids but I don't think it's bad for children to get some direction from parents. I don't think children need to sort things out for themselves at four.

Hang in.

Often when a four year old pushes another four year old away (whether by saying "You don't like Ninja turtles" or "You have sneakers and I have shoes" etc.), they are trying to make space to make a new friend. It's hard for some young children to figure out how to negotiate having more than one friend at a time (or how to negotiate making a new friend at all). This child likely still likes your child and is simply trying on new social behaviors as his world gets bigger. (Or maybe something is upsetting him - stress about anything can cause a kid to be cranky with others.)

"Chester's Way" by Kevin Henkes is a great book for this age group aimed at helping kids to figure out how to be friends with more than one person at a time.

You can also offer your son some strategies to your son, that are both empowering and understanding/respectful of his peer. He needs concrete scripts. He can say, "Maybe we can both like Ninja turtles" or ask the other child what he likes about ninja turtles. He can also tell the other child how he feels ("It makes me feel sad when you say I don't like Ninja turtles") and what he wants from the other child ("Please don't say that to me again.").

Frankly, at age 4, there really should be a teacher facilitating effective conflict resolution between these little guys. If you haven't already mentioned this to the teacher, you might do that. Maybe the teacher can offer some insight.

Have you talked to the teacher? I really think that you should. Ask her to help Jason be a "friend". He's most probably doing the same thing to other kids.

I wouldn't beat yourself up over telling him that you are mad at Jason. I get it. You're trying to give him a "voice" by being an example.

Role playing is helpful, and the teacher definitely needs to be paying attention.

Dawn

I think you sound like you handled it very well, but we try to sometimes say to our son, 'we don't like that child's behavior. He's not bad, but his behavior is bad in that situation, and we need to show him good behavior so we behave differently. If he doesn't change his behavior, we don't want to be supporting his bad behavior so we want to be around better behavior until he makes a different choice.' It's tricky, huh? There's also a book that is pretty good for conflicts between kids:

http://www.amazon.com/Nobody-Likes-Everybody-Hates-Friend...

Girl, you had a right to be your son's ally. I am mad at Jason too right now and will not retrack those words.

I'm sure you've gotten lots of good feedback. But if no one has suggested this yet, if there is an ongoing issue with Jason and your son, you should make the teachers aware of this. If he is in preschool or kindergarten, the teachers should be working with both kids to help them work through these social situations and help them to start learning the social skills they need to negotiate our world.

I totally feel for you! I HATE this kid stuff. That, honestly, would have been my reaction too. It actually has been and maybe even worse! I think we are all entitled to a few "mama bear" moments, until we can figure out the best way to handle the situation for OUR children, as they are all so different and have different needs in this area.

My 7 yr old is just hearing this, I am not your friend nonsense, for the first time this year and it breaks my heart and his, surprisingly. The thing is, he would NEVER say that to anyone bc he just wants a million friends and is actually quite accomadating to other children (not that that's so great either). He is unusual this way. He has been empathetic since he was a baby. My daughter on the other hand, who is two, is probably going to be one of the mean girls, so I have my work cut out for me there :). Wow, she is the only one that exists in her little world. SO different. I recently had one of my moments when I was trying to give him some "unsolicited" advice on how to handle a situation, and his response was, "no mom, I would never say that because that might hurt their feelings"....says the 7 yr old to the 36 yr old. LESSON LEARNED. Ouch. I have worked very h*** o* keeping my emotions and comments in check when he tells me this bc I was making it worse and him anxious. They will eventually find the right fit in friends. Maybe their class every year will not be the perfect one for them, but in the long run, it will work out with the right amount of guidance.

Good luck and you are not alone!

I try to teach my GD not to get mad or hurt by other's behavior, but to try to have empathy for people who are being mean. I tell her that there's probably somebody in their life who is mean to them so rather than be angry or hurt, feel sorry for them because they are probably having their feelings hurt by someone else. When someone calls her a name or tries to make her feel bad about herself, I tell her it's because THEY feel bad about themselves and they are trying to make themselves feel better by making her feel bad. No need to be angry or hurt; feel sorry for those people.

Empathy goes a lot further than anger and it is a positive emotion rather than negative. Negativity takes so much of our energy! Always try to keep it positive.