Seeking Potty Training Advice: She "Gets" Everything but the First Step!

This isn't a terribly convenient nor a very clean way to go about pottying but the only thing that worked to help my daughter draw the connection was to just put her in big girl panties and let her wet herself...I kept close eye on her and when I saw she was getting wet I would pick her up and we'd race off to the toilet. It only took 3 days before she was effectively holding it and we were having successes. Then I steam cleaned the carpets like a mad woman. Good luck!

sounds like she is learning, but it's a complicated skill to put everything together in the right order! What worked with my daughter was I got her into the routine of sitting on the potty right after breakfast, in the family room, watching TV. At first she went and didn't even realize it, but I would point it out to her and we would dump the pee together. Then after probably several weeks I moved her potty seat from the family room to the bathroom. So I think break it down into little portions, note the progress in certain areas and think of it as like learning swimming, it takes a while to put it altogether.

In my personal opinion, it sounds like you're still putting a little too much pressure on. I am sure you're not trying to, but as parents, the most exciting thing we can imagine after 2-3 years of changing diapers, is potty training!!!
She gets the rest of the stuff because it's simple "do as I have taught you... wipe, wash your hands, etc." The problem is, you can't teach her to recognize the feeling of a full bladder. I would suggest slowing it down a big and maybe switching up that morning routine a little with half an hour or so of no diaper, no panties. For some reason, little girls tend to "get it" this way.

My children are now college age, but when they were young, I trained them each in a day. I used the book, "Toilet Training in Less Than A Day", by Nathan Azrin. It is still available. He originally developed his methods to train profoundly mentally retarded people who were institutionalized. Doing his research, he discovered the problems parents were having training their toddlers. He adapted his methods for them to use at home. The book includes a check list to help you identify if your child is physically ready. I honestly went from having a child in diapers to having a child in clean dry underwear in about 8 hours. Good luck to you.

Hi K.,

I think the advice you've gotten to forego the undies is great and may do the trick. It helped my two boys with the awareness factor. If it doesn't, then I would conclude that your daughter is not ready, despite all the other cues. Potty training will be simple once she's fully ready. Don't press her, it can easily become a control issue and no one wants to go down that road!

Take care and best of luck! :)

What really worked for our little girls was to spend a few days without anything on except a shirt. I found that if they had an underwear on, it made them think that they were "covered" and we had lots of wet pants! Walking around with a bare bottom made them way more aware of their bodies. The first time, each girl would pee onto the floor and just look at their bodies in fascination. I stayed cheerful: "Yes! Your body just did a pee! That's what it feels like." With both girls, the next time they went, they started to go on the floor again, but then headed to the bathroom for the rest. Soon they were able to anticipate the feeling. They remained bare for several days, but then rarely had an accident after that. I just tried to not go anywhere for a while. If we did have to go somewhere, I suggested a diaper. When we came home, she'd be bare again.

Good luck!

Hi K.,

It takes a while for them to learn the sensation they are feeling is a signal to go to the bathroom. Part of potty training is diaper undoing. Running around bare-bottomed is the best way to help undo the diapering. Talk to her about what she is feeling when she has an accident and watch for signs that she needs to go, wiggling around, grabbing herself, a pause in her actions, etc. Once she starts to get it, she will react a little faster each time and eventually warn you well in advance of needing to go. But it's a gradual process as they learn to be aware of the signal.

There are three things you can not make a toddler do--eat, sleep, and poop (sigh). Even if they know all the steps. Especially potty train, otherwise parents are well trained to take them to the potty.

My son, still at 4, was wearing double diapers. (another sigh) As was his sister. I was changing boo coo diapers. Then at his pre interview for the pre-prekindergarten class his teacher said to me in earshot of him that she did not change diapers in class. Period. He was potty trained (pee and poop) in 48 hours. And I did not have to do anything.

The point being, when he saw an advantage to it, he trained himself. When he was ready he trained himself. If you can wait for that moment, she will train herself.

First of all, make it easy for her to do 'her' business. In other words, she shouldn't have to let you know, she should be able to get to the bathroom, pull her pants down very easily and sit on the pot. You want her to be successful, so her pants should have elastic waist bands, no buttons, snaps or zippers. Her toilet should be a potty chair that sits on the floor so she can use it without you having to pick her up and sit her on the big toilet, that can come once she's a little bigger in size and gains confidence in her ability. Either use pull-ups or thick training pants, again, so she has control and easy access.
You can help her by reminding her to go to the bathroom before she goes out to play, before you go anywhere in the car, before and after she eats, before she lays down for a nap, emptying her bladder before she has an accident. She's old enough to know what she's doing and she's doing a great job of 'training' you, so give her the control of her environment, make her responsible for her successes and her 'accidents'. If the accidents persist, then switch to light rayon panties, when she wets them they will be extrememly uncomfortable and she will learn to get to the bathroom in a more timely fashion. It won't take long and yes, it means added laundry for you for a period of time, but it will pass quickly if you're persistent and consistent in your message to her. Best of luck!!!

Well, I have a boy so I realize that things are a little different but he started potty training about the same time. It seemed that underpants felt too much like a diaper and he would just pee in them so the first step was to just to let him be naked (at least from the waist down) while we were at home and have his potty near where we were playing (our bathroom is upstairs so I was always worried he wouldn't make it). Once we got past that step we just started letting him go commando while out that way he still didn't feel like he had a diaper on. It did take him longer to start pooping the toilet but he usually would just poop in his diaper when he first woke up in the morning. After a couple of months he saw that his cousin (2 months older) was wearing underwear and said he wanted to wear it too so... Also, some children have other things going on (in their gastro track, etc.) that can make it difficult to tell when they have to go - I am guessing that is not the case but if she is still having lots of trouble down the road you could mention it to her doc. Good luck!

You have gotten some great advice already. I just wanted to share with you what worked with my son. We went together to the dollar store and I let him pick out 10 toys by himself as potty rewards. I think that it was better to let him choose his prizes, so he was excited about each one he chose (cars, books, crayons, dress up clothes, a ball, a puzzle, ect.). We also went to the toy store and he got to pick out 1 "big" ($5) toy, which I told him was for big kids only. I set them out on the top of a shelf where he could see them. We had a 'potty chart' where he would get a sticker every time he went on the potty. After 5 stickers he got to pick one of the potty prizes. We had a tough time with #2 - so after he went #2 5 times, he got the big toy. He learned very quickly that if he didn't go in the potty, there was no sticker and no prize. It worked like magic as he was sooo excited when he knew he would get that next sticker (and hugs, high-fives, and cheering!). It really only took those 10 toy + big toy. After the toys were gone, we kept up the potty chart, and he would proudly show anyone who came over how many stickers he had, as he would say, "LOOK! I'm a big boy now!"
Good luck, and don't worry how long it takes. She won't go to kindergarten wearing diapers :)

With my 2 girls naked time did the trick. Just put her in a dress and let her go about the day with out undies. With my youngest (3.5yrs old) within a day she would tinkle just a little (not full on pee) and then head towards the potty. It took her maybe a day to understand that she could control it.

HTH
E.

Our approach was a potty timer. We took three dedicated days for potty training. The first day the timer goes off every 15 minutes and "yea! It's potty time!". The next day every 30 minutes, the third day every 45 minutes. The idea is that if your child is *ready* to potty train, then they'll get it by the end of the three days.

Your daughter isn't waking up dry. Does she still nap and wake up dry then? Some kids just take longer. It's not bad for a 3yo to be in diapers. My oldest took a long time to potty train. She stays dry during naps, and occasionally at night, but she's 4 1/2 and still wears pullups at night.

Good luck! Don't stress over it.

I know how bad you want this - because I wanted it badly for our daugther too and it can seem like it isnt going to ever happen. But it will - just be paitent and stop pushing it. It might sounds funny - but stop trying so hard. Really she will get it, stop pushing, she isnt even 3 yet. There are the rare exception of kids that are potty trained before 3 - but most of them are in the third year. She will get it, it will just click and she will be doing it.
This is how it happened for us with our now 4.5 year old daughter. We tried EVERYTHING to get her there - EVERYTHING and it was when I gave up, that it just clicked for her, it was just past her 3rd birthday. Once it did - it was a matter of days before she had it. I think they need to be ready. Its a big, scary step for them.
One thing that we did try - was get her a dolly that peed. and we would role play with it. It came with diapers, panties and a potty of her own. Not sure if it did the trick. I think it was more just time. Relax and try again in a few months.

First of all, you will get this through this...sooner than you think but I do know how frustrating it can be. I totally agree with letting her be naked. I think that works wonders. The other thing I was going to suggest, if you haven't already, is a reward system. A chart to track that she can put stickers on herself then get small treats or immediate treats right after she goes. Also, you it might be a good idea to just carve out 4 days where you don't have to go anywhere and just work on it all day. It can be exhausting for both of you but just get some new fun things to do at home or stuff you haven't done in a while. I did this with my first and it took four days start to finish. With my second we were more on the go and it was just easy to put a diaper and go but it took a lot longer. You just have to carve out that time. Good luck!

HI-
Oh the woes of potty training....my daughter is day trained, but we still do pull ups at night. I was all gung-ho about getting her trained and then finally realized she had to be the one to take the lead. She knew how to do it all, but the commitment had to come from her. What worked for me was first I bought lots of panties that she would love and then every day I asked, "diaper or panties?" Every day she said diapers and then one day, out of the blue, when she was so sick, she said panties.
It does take most kids quite a while to learn how to control their bladders. So, they say I have to go and they have already gone. Totally normal. The going naked thing did not work for us at all(my daughter thought it was too fun to watch herself go), so we always kept panties on. We had lots of accident but it started to click. You are doing the right thing with reminders and encouraging, but you can only lead a horse to water - the rest is up to them.
Maybe invest in a few inexpensive little potties(Ikea has one for 5.00) and put them everywhere. We had three and even took them outside. I think it took her a month to understand and relate the sensation to the actual doing it. And holding it takes time to learn (I now know I have about 10 mins) But once we got past that first month, things improved quite quickly. I took us about 3 to 4 month and we are now pretty much accident free.
Best of luck too you...don't stress about it too much, just be relaxed about it and it will happen.

K. - Hang in there!! I know how long the days and weeks can feel when cleaning up pee all the time!! I'm currently potty training my third, and we're doing pretty good. She is young, but we've been using cloth diapers, so that's pretty common, and she has two big sisters and another 2 part time girls I babysit whom she sees and wants to imitate. So when she started telling me, "Mom, potty" after she went in her diaper, I decided to take her to the toilet, to make the connection.

Pretty soon she was going some more when I took her. Now she'll tell me potty, and sometimes she'll go full blast, and sometimes she won't go at all and I just say, Okay we'll try again later. We use panties at home or go naked, because in a diaper she doesn't say anything as often. I wish she could pull down her own pants, because then I think she would go in by herself some times.

I guess my only point is to be consistent, and don't give up now. You will have a much harder time trying to train a 4 year old who has realized that it's just easier to pee in the pull up. Your daughter probably already knows this, too, but at least has the interest in using the toilet. Don't give up!! She'll make the connection soon, and then it will go quickly from there.

I remember the understanding light up my second daughter's eyes the first time she watched herself pee and I jumped around the bathroom clapping and cheering. (Coincidently, this was the same day that I threw a fit while cleaning up the peed-on carpet and announced that after 3 weeks of patience I couldn't stand the smell of pee anymore and I Quit!!!) That little sparkle in her eye was so obviously understanding, and although there were accidents sometimes, after that day she did really well with it.

So press on, and blessings to you and your husband as you keep with it. Reward yourselves for your patience as well as your daughter when she makes the connection herself!

Hi there K.,

I really love this web page:

http://betterkidcare.psu.edu/AngelUnits/OneHour/ToiletLea...

I can't tell you how much I've seen parents stress about getting their children to learn how to use the toilet. It sounds as though your daughter doesn't have a lot of intrinsic motivation at the moment--that could soon change. Often, children who are around other kids that use the toilet want to begin trying themselves, but if your daughter isn't in care, there may not be that motivation to "go with the pack", so to speak. I've cared for many children who were not proficient on the potty even at age three, so don't let that worry you. I think the ages our doctors present to us are "averages", and that doesn't include all the accidents, etc. that kids have.

For what it's worth, the web page I suggested has a three-area assessment guide, and I love the idea of offering children their choice of diapers or underpants. We forget as adults all of the work that goes into using the potty for a young person. At that age, it's incredibly hard for some kids to pull themselves out of their play (which is really their work) and go use the toilet. A silly question, but how often as adults do we think we can "hold it" until we finish what we are doing? Kids have a lot of accidents because breaking off from what they are doing is so difficult.

Don't worry...your daughter will learn how to use the toilet. Keep taking deep breaths and remember--it's ideal if our kids learn how to use the toilet in a short time, but that's the exception, and not the rule. I've seen it lots and lots of times..each child does it when they're ready! Bon chance!