Seeking Moms for Help to Answer This Qprotecting Our Children or Smothering Them

I personally only leave my daughter (4) with friends when it's a babysitting emergency for me with the few people I trust immensely. I don't plan on long unsupervised play time at other kids houses until she's a lot older. She goes to daycare 3 days a week and to the park with me while I stay back and run around with other kids etc and to me that's PLENTY of socializing. I didn't go play at friends houses alone until I was older and not very often-it was a rare special treat. It never caused me any harm or regrets. You don't have to leave her just because other people do, and you don't have to feel bad about it. She will never look back as an adult and say, "Darn I wish my mom had dumped me off alone at more friends houses when I was 5." You're doing the right thing.

NO, you are not smothering her! The problem is that way too many people are so careless with their kids. They seem so eager to get them "out of the house", they will leave them anywhere or, in many cases I have seen, not bother to know where they are at all! They just throw them to the street, give them a time to come home and don' t bother with the "where's" and "who's". Don't let these people make you feel that you are a bad parent. You are doing the right thing!

I loved what Amy J. said, "She will never look back as an adult and say, "Darn I wish my mom had dumped me off alone at more friends houses when I was 5.".

I suppose we have a slightly different scenario. My daughter goes to a small private school. There are only 14 kids in her class. Because it's private there are no limits on what area of the city the child can live in, so the kids are from all over town. She doesn't have any friends in the neighborhood that she can go and visit.
That said the children have birthday parties where they all invite the entire class. It's typical of parents to just drop their kids off at the bday party and come back whenever it ends. All the parents do it, including myself. They've done everything from swimming to eating at McDonald's without problems. And yes I've left her there every time.
My daughter is 7 now but has been doing this since pre-kindergarten at age 4 with mostly the same children.
I guess for me some of it depends on geography. Are the kids across the street at the neighbors house or are they across town? How well do you know the parents and the kids? How many other kids are there? Is it a birthday party like it usually is for my daughter?
Typically if parents are having multiple kids over on a regular basis I have no problem with it. If my daughter had friends across the street I'd just make a point of being friends with the neighbors.
Smothering to me would be not letting her go out at all and keeping her home. Being protective is going for coffee and staying for play dates. But that said after a couple of times of doing that, assuming nothing happened, I would start leaving her alone. At some point you have to let her go and grow a little. She can't be a baby forever.
Good luck!

My son is just two, but wow, parents really just drop off 5 yr olds with friends that they don't know that well? I never would have imagined that would happen at such a young age. I guess I will be just like you. I would want to stay and hang out. That lets the kids have a life but doesn't put them in danger. I would definitely leave him with friends I have known depending on the situation, but not just at the houses of classmates. I plan to try to be the house that the other kids want to come to, and the mom who does the playdates. I would also just feel more comfortable knowing where they are and what they are doing. At 5 I just don't think that they can possibly always make good choices. Sure they mostly know what they can and can't do, but they are still learning how to think things through. But more than that, I worry about things I can't control- do the families have dogs, a pool, trampolines, guns, drugs, and god forbid, dangerous family members. My parents were overprotective of me when I was a kid, but they actually would have done this kind of thing. It was a different world then and where we lived was safer. They didnt start smothering and sheltering me until I was older, and did have the ability to think things through and make good choices. I think teaching kids to be prepared for the world and to have confidence doesn't have to come at the expense of their safety at the age of 5, there is plenty of time for letting them have freedoms later.

At 5 1/2 my daughter did not go to people' s houses without me, except for neighborhood friends, whose parents I knew well and specific playdates were arranged. My daughter is 8, she started going to friend's houses without me last year. I did not and will not just drop her off at someone's house. I always meet the parents and develop a relationship with them first and always I go into the house for atleast a few minutes. You can get a pretty good sense of people and you have to use your judgement and teach your kids what to do if they are in an awkward(sp) situation. We are the ones who usually initiate the first playdate and when the parent drops their kid off, I always lead them into my house and ask them if they would like to stay for coffee or tea, this helps them feel welcome and comfortable with leaving their kids with me and I find that if I do this, when I go to their house, they do the same thing. But, I agree 5 1/2 is young to just drop off unless you know the parents well. Good Luck

ps: I have gotten bad vibes from certain people and have not let my kids go to their house and have discouraged the friendship.

'

I think everyone has different answers for this and I have not read them all, but I can only share my experiences. I will not leave my children with anyone except my parents or in an emergency situation, I will leave them with a trusted friend if I have no other choice. A friend of mine was raped at her friends house by her friends father when she was 5 years old. Yes, she was playing at her friends house and he apparently did it to his own daughter regularly and no one ever knew, not even this girls mother. She never told anyone until she was an adult and suffered over this most of her life. I can't imagine this happening to a 5 year old, but it did. And from my own personal experience, when I was 7, I was sexually abused by peers and when I was a bit older by a trusted family member(my grandfather). I won't scare you with details, but it affected me my entire life. I recently did a search of sexual predators in my neighborhood and found more than 30 in a 10 mile radius and we live a safe area by safe schools. It is scary. My history probably makes it harder for me to trust people in general with my children, but I would rather err on the side of safety. I don't ever want them to have to live with what I had to live with or with what happened to my friend. And I know I would rather be overprotective than have something terrible happen. The experiences my friend and I had are only one of the many dangers that can happen to a child, there are many more. So in answer to your question, no I do not think you will be choking your child or affecting her childhood by keeping her with you. I wish my parents had known not to trust certain people. We can't protect our kids from everything, and eventually they will venture out on their own, but before they can protect themselves, we need to keep them safe and then teach them how to protect themselves when we are not there. Something could still happen, but I believe in doing everything we can to keep them safe, and I don't believe a 5 year old is capable of protecting themselves, weather it is from an inappropriate neighbor or from being near a parking lot or street without proper supervision.
We can't protect our kids from everything all the time, but we can do as much as possible while they are young. Good luck!

You are NOT smothering her. Geez, she's only 5, not 17. Go with your gut instinct. In my opinion, it's not really our guts telling us anything, it's our angels. God has put them in charge over us and this is how we hear their voices, through "instinct." So listen to them and no one else. Pray before each decision regarding your children, God brings calmness and peace of mind. Warnings come in the form of discomfort and worry. And stick to your guns about rules and expectations regarding your children.
My husband and I have a "don't drink and drive" policy. Once, I let my 5 yr. old go out to dinner w/ some dear friends down the block whose daughter is her friend. I had a stomach ache the whole evening. I called them and they assured me everything was alright. The kids were on the restaurant play scape. I even spoke w/ her and she was having a great time. I still
felt weird (my angels were warning me). When she finally arrived home, around 10p.m. too late for my liking, it was easy to see that both parents had been drinking. Never again. They are great people and I never even brought it up w/ them but they now know about my husband's and my policy and have not ever asked my daughter out for dinner again. Not everyone will have the same practices, etc. that you do so it's okay to still be protective and cautious. Especially with a 5 yr. old. I mean, come on, even 17 yr. olds are tricked, and abducted, etc. What's the hurry to let our little ones be on their own? I don't get it.
Hope I've been of help.
L.

Hi, I am a Mum of 4 boys and I congratulate you on going to have a coffee with the Mum. This is sensible to get to know the Mums but at some stage it is also really good to leave your child and let them experience rules and values in other homes.
If you are unsure indicate that you will return in approx 1 1/2 hours to collect your child and leave you mobile number for them to contact you if their are any problems.
The best gift you can give your child is allowing them to become responsible and trustworthy based on the values you have insitilled in them.
"Don't spoil your child by making life too easy for them"
I think this is a fear you have and you do not need to pass that on to your children. She is 5 and already attending school where there are 'dangers' of climbing frames, plugs etc and the teacher cannot supervise the entire class all the time.
Realx and be kinder to yourself. Book a manicure next time she is visiting a friends and that will keep you busy while she has time to share with friends. Good luck.

I suppose it all has to do with your own comfort level. My kids were going over to friends' houses for playdates without me there at 5yrs old. Also, that was the age drop-off birthday parties began. When they want to go over to a friends house, first, that other parent has to call me personally to invite my child over, second, when I drop them off, I'll stay for 5-10 minutes to chat with the other parent and "check out" the home, third, take their home number, cell number, tell them I'll call in a couple hrs to check in with them, then when I go to pick them up, spend another 5-10 minutes chatting and getting to know them.

If my kids want a friend over, I'll call the other parent, chat with them for a while, then when they drop off the child tell them what, if any, our playdate plans are ( eg. "the girls will most likely play outside in our yard most of the time, then I've got cupcakes for a snack...is your child allergic to anything that I should know about? I'll call you in a couple of hours to let you know how it's going, but feel free to give me a call anytime, here's my number"). Then tell the other parent "enjoy your free time!" and have them leave. I would be really annoyed if the other parent insisted on staying the whole playdate. The kids are there to entertain each other (my kids are reasonable and have learned what's appropriate behavior on a playdate, so I do trust them at this point enough to let them play together without my hovering 2 feet away) and it's a prime opportunity for me to get stuff done without my own child bothering me for a while...the last thing I want to do is have to entertain the other parent. I already did that type of playdate when the kids were 2, 3 and 4yrs old (where they learned the aforementioned appropriate playdate behaviors). From 5yrs on, IMHO, they're old enough to be without mommy for a couple of hours.

I understand the dangers out there and I also understand "it only has to happen once", but I can't have my kids being raised in a bubble. There has to be a reasonable level of paranoia (and that level is getting lower and lower each time we hear of something unspeakable happening to a child), but on the flip side, I don't want my kids to be so scared they trust no one at all. It's a fine line, but using common sense and parental instinct goes a long way. If you have a "strange feeling" about your child's friend's parent or guardian, don't let your child go over there. If you disagree on parenting techniques with other parents or your friends, don't have them supervise your child. Have them over at your home instead. Unfortunately you can't do background checks on every child your child becomes friends with for the rest of their childhood. Although we hear all the horror stories on the news, MOST parents are reasonable, trustworthy and caring and will take excellent care of your child. At some point, you'll have to let your daughter have a playdate without you there. When that happens is, as I said before, dependent on your own comfort level. For me, it was pretty much at 5yrs old.

I think a lot of parents struggle with this issue. I also think the key is finding a balance between what is a rational fear and what is an overbearing fear. 5 1/2 is still young. Kids don't think about consequences of their behavior. For our 5 1/2 year old, I still often stay at playdates or don't leave her there "alone" for long. I try to give her some freedom to play at friend's houses while also limiting her chances to get into mischief.

I feel that part of feeling comfortable leaving your child has to do with WHO they are with, WHAT they will be doing and HOW SAFE the environment/activities are. The other part involves trusting your child, knowing that you've taught them well and reminding them before they leave how you expect them to behave and checking with them when they come home as to how things went.

For example, I WILL NOT allow my children to ride bikes or go on trampolines at friends' houses. Right now, I don't think they are old enough to handle the consequences of bad choices. The speed and force of those activities just increases the chances of injuries.

I think the key is short, controlled situations where you can learn to walk away and come back so that it's been a successful experience for both of you.

I think your hesitancy to let your daughter venture out by herself and beyond your eyes is very normal. In fact i think its healthy to create relationships with other parents at all ages. This age is the time to be around and start to get to no the people who are around your daughter. There are many people out there not to trust and you shouldnt start taking chances now. She is not capable of making the right choices just yet. I am sure that the childrens houses where she is playing that parents are good people, but that is a chance that you have to take. Personnally i wouldnt at this age. Plus, meeting other parents might be a way to form friendships!

You are not smothering her. I have two daughters and one of the just turned 6. I cannot leave her by herself to someone elses house.She knows how to take care of herself, but kids are kids. I've been to a few playdates and not everyone is that careful. Plus, I don't know that well the parents. It's like letting your kid stay with a stranger. I don't agree that by keeping her home or by going with her you are hurting her confidence. You are doing what you feel is right.

My sons are still a bit young to deal with this yet. I want them to have social lives and experience life, but I believe in guiding them in that direction, not just throwing them out to the world. I enrolled my son at 3 into a 2 day/week mother's day out program so he can meet friends there in a safe environment, away from me, but....still safe. I pay attention to who he likes in his class, and meet their parents at little events (the Christmas play, class parties, etc). I chat to the other parents when we get there a little early and we're waiting to pick up the children. A few times we've met on days that the children did not have mothers day out: someone just casually sent out an evite to go to McDonalds playland, a picnic at the park, Let's Jump bounce house play....it's methodical, but what we're doing is letting children have friends without us present, but we're talking, checking each other out, getting to know each other, and they're doing the same to us. It's a good thing. He gets invited to play with neighbors, and that's a good thing, but at this time they can all play in my yard OR I will go and visit the other mom in their yard. We've discussed swapping date nights (I'll watch her 3yr old so they can have a date night, and she'll watch mine another night)-this developed over being good neighbors for 2 years. But that's more an occasional babysitter situation than an everyday thing. It will be a little while later, with people I've developed relationships with over time, to just let my boys go into a home without me there. At your daughter's age, I will say this: she should be able to know what a socket is and not mess with it. I would let her stand on a balcony, and the rule would be look, don't climb. (If that rule can't be followed, it's fine...she'd just have to come in and lose that priveledge). I'd let my daughter play in someone's home but yes, I'd be there to have coffee with the mom. I'd ask the mom if I should bring a coffee cake or some snacks in a short conversation to let her know I'm planning on staying for a visit, too. Something like "Oh that sounds great, I've been meaning to talk to you about__" lets them know to straighten up the house because you're coming in. (ha) What's easier is knowing who your children's friends are so you can initiate the first playdate, so the parents can kinda know what to expect if your kids came to their home. Make your home fun and inviting for your children and their friends! We are laid back and want the children to have fun. We don't hover over them and correct their every move. But we also know our house has safe people in it, the house is child safe, and any parent interested in coming over would be more than welcome to come in so we can get to know each other, and we have basic rules that will not change. Children can play in the bedroom but the door can't be closed. We're working on setting up a playroom (used to be the den) as an alternative to bedrooms, because it's more centrally located and I can hear what's going on and being said (or at least the tone of voice) without being in their space. TVs and the computer aren't allowed in our bedrooms. I am that mom that will have treats (sometimes healthy snacks, sometimes warm cookies or brownies) and encourage people to come by (so I can get to know them, and I'd rather them here than somewhere else). But I wouldn't hold my sons back, they can have fun under our basic rules. My oldest son has friends from church, the neighborhood and playground, small fry club, mother's day out, and starting this fall, soccer. I know I'm fairly strict (but not overbearing), but he's definately got a social life going. The baby will follow suit; it's working for us. I think affecting her childhood would be not allowing her to go to birthday parties because there's 8 kids there, or not allowing her to go places because you're not willing to go, or not allowing her to play sports because she could get hurt. That kind of stuff is over the line. But saying "hey---you'd like to go to the party? you've been doing well in your chores and homework, so why not? we can go together" and make friends (or at least be friendly) with her friends' parents so this will be seamless. Offering to volunteer where needed at events or homes, or offering up your own home, or going to do a safe alternative: it's work, but it will be good for all involved. But isolating them where they don't really have outside interaction.....not good at all in my opinion. I have lots of casual conversations like "what do you think about__?" or "if this happened, what would you do?" and seeing where my son is and how he feels about things. This helps his confidence and self esteem, and I can know his maturity level a little better. You can't really go by age as much as maturity level, you know? Finding balance is key, and it sounds like you're aware of dangers but also willing to do what's needed. Good luck.

Well, you are the mom and you know what's best for YOUR daughter. That said, since you're asking for advice:

I think you might be smothering her a bit. Even if it doesn't bother her now, she's missing out on opportunities to develop confidence. Although your intention is to protect her, the subtle message is that she can't trust herself to make safe choices. At 5 1/2 she should KNOW not to stick stuff in outlets or jump off of a balcony. If she doesn't, perhaps it's because you've kept her away from the dangers all her life and haven't taught her how to cope when she faces them.

You asked if this will effect her childhood. OF COURSE it will. But more importantly it will impact her adulthood. Unless you plan to keep her home with you from now through her adulthood, you've GOT to teach her to be safe without you.

SHE needs to learn that she is smart capable, and to do that she'll need you to show her that you believe that about her. I'm not advocating letting her run around town by herself at 5 years old, but spending an hour without you at a friends house (particularly a house you have already visited with her) should be a given.

I hope this helps. Again you're her mom and you know best, but it sounds like you both might be ready for a longer leash so to speak.

T.

Sounds like you're following your intuition, and that's generally a good thing. The fact that you're asking these questions suggests that you've reached a transition period where letting go a little bit would be a good thing. It is a VERY hard balance to find, so I'm glad you're even aware that balance is a good thing.

Simple fact: we can not, ever, protect our children from every possible danger. Also a fact: the harder we try, the more frightened and dependent, or frustrated and rejecting, our children are likely to become.

So trust your gut. Trust life – your children are probably more capable and resilient than you would believe. Be healthy!

It's a fine line to walk. My son was 9 yrs old before I let him participate in an overnight lock down where he goes to taekwondo. I hardly slept I was so worried about him the first time. My husband thought I was going to spend the night in the parking lot with my nose pressed up against the window. (He's such a funny guy.) He was fine and he had a blast. I could also call at any time (and he could call me if he wanted to) and there are always adults (the Master and his wife) supervising all night long.
There's a lot to think about before your kids play at other peoples houses. My husband is a NRA certified instructor. He teaches basic pistol safety classes every month. We have guns in our house, and they are properly stored in combination gun safes. We inform parents of this, and a few are not comfortable allowing their kids to come to our house. It's alright. At least we discuss it. You should feel comfortable to ask about such things. Other parents are not always going to share your views, and some are just crazy. Especially as your kids get older, some parents are just freaky about wanting to be 'friends' with the teens and will do anything to fit in. These are the kind who will provide alcohol thinking 'at least they are drinking in a safe environment'. It's not just teen peer groups that can be out of control. Error on the side of caution.

Totally agree with Kristin C. from Bryn Mawr. Good answer!

No you are protecting her. My son has lots of friends but I will only leave him at one friends house becasue we have been friends with the family for 10 years. Whenever he is invited to play at a home I don't know the family I stay and hang with the mom. It is usual so most parents know when you are inviting the kid you are inviting the parent. If it is repetative for a long time to same family and you feel secure then you let your daughter stay there alone. If you are willing to go to these houses I don't see how you could smother her or ruin her childhood. If you feel you will never let her alone at a house then I recommend you have tons of playdates at your house. Some parents will stay and visit and some will drop off, but at least you will be comfortable and your daughter will be with her friends.

i think it depends. it doesn't sound like you know these parents very well, so i wouldn't be comfortable either. if these were people you knew well, and your children had grown up together, i think you'd feel more comfortable. but it comes down to whether you are comfortable or not, and i don't think it's smothering her, she's FIVE! it would be different if she was ten, or even seven or eight. there is plenty of time to send her on playdates by herself. but i am a cautious parent too, so you can take my opinion with a grain of salt.

Yeah at 5 and 6 I never really left my daugther with anyone I did not know real well. And we did not allow sleep overs. I worked on becomming the mommy that took the kids out. And I still am till today. I take them to the movies, bowling, skating. My daughter has had someone sleep over a time or two though I'm really still not keen on sleep overs. Even at 8 I really will not leave her with anyone unless I know for sure. Of course the neighbor across the street is ok so my daughter can spend hours over there or the friend stays at our house for hours. And no need for a sleep over hurrah. sometimes things can happen like a fight or teasing and I think its just better to keep an eye on them. Never mind the nut jobs you dont know about. You don't know who they are bringing in the house and kids act one way with you around and different when you arent.

I feel as you do. In the past it was very easy to assume or ask to stay during the play date, but now at 6yrs, it doesn't seem like the other parents want me to stay for coffee during first time playdates. I just feel a whole lot better if i can see the physical space, like you said about balconies, or we can talk at home about making sure you walk down the basement stairs at so and so 's house because they are really slippery etc, And i always want to know if they have dogs, or other pets, handguns etc in the house, if they smoke or do drugs. But those are reallly akward things to ask about. I know people here will say that those are important questions to ask and that you just need to be ballsey enough to do it, but i find it tough.
At one house i did ask about a few things and then after i picked him up, i learned that there was extended family staying with them sort of permanently so there was a whole host of influences that i didn't know about.
And another time a mom asked if she could take my son and her son one block away to a golf course to go sled riding, I agreed and then found out later that her teenage daughter had driven them and supervised the sled riding. NOT OK.
I only ever had one friend that i played at her house growing up, and i am shy today. I don't know if that influences me or what. And what you are saying about uncomfortable men really resonates with me, I can be very suspicious and if a man that we are aquainted with askes my little girl to sit on his lap i get very upset. But most of the time it's the mom's that set up the playdates and i never even met the fathers, who knows what they are like, and then even scarier sometimes you can't tell by looking who is a child moster or not.

Longs story short I'm with you , so i want to see what advice you get.

In this day and age there are so many dangers and people are the main source of our worries. There are to many sickos out there that we have to protect our children from no matter if they are 0 or 30. Some of us have instincts about our friends parents etc. So what we do is educate our children to the dangers. Education is the key. I tell my kids about the ADAM code and the other children that have gone missing etc. I tell them we cant be to safe and now that they are older the safety is in numbers. If you feel a "vibe" be cautious because you never know when you are dealing with "unstable" ppl. I don't think you are choking your child just a loving parent..however, try not to be so restrictive where they cannot have fun too. :) hope this helps ~K.

I let my 6 year old play at her friends house. I have met her parents and I feel comfortable with this. I think you can smother if you worry about everything that can go wrong. My 1st concern is the other child's parents.