Seeking Advise on Setting Boundaries

A couple of things.
1.) They are four...there is little quiet time for most kids.
2.) Be thankful that you have a DIL that is so into her children. She is obviously a good, loving mother.
3.) Enjoy this time with your family instead of being stressed out. This laughter is the greatest gift that they can give you. Enjoy it, it doesn't last forever.
4.) Don't speak to your DIL about it...Do speak with your son about it. He should be able to talk to her about it without drama.
5.) You can always (kindly and upbeat) suggest that they head outside to act like this. or have coloring books, or reading books for them to play with when they get to your house. They will want to play with these immediately. This is a settle hint…hint. You can hand them some bubbles when they get wild and tell them to go outside to blow some bubbles. Another good hint...hint.

Try to remember that this is their family time too, and in these days, that time can be so limited. You don't want your house to be the place that the kids go to sit. I loved my grandmother, but her house was a sitting house. I hated going there. I love her, but hated going to see her. You might find that they come over less if the kids can't be kids there.

This is what I would tell you if you were my mom-n-law. If you can't handle the kids at your house, plan a day you come to their home instead, bring some KFC or whatever, that way its easier on your son's wife. All my in-laws live in town except my mom-n-law. When my father in-law comes he always bring some food to make it easy on me. Who could turn down dinner made.
Or make a room or an area that is just for them, have them bring some toys from home, or take them out to get a special toy that stays at grandma's. Just think back to when you were the mom with little kids, how would you feel? We went to dinner at my husbands rich aunt's house once when my son was 2, she had no kids so it was not childproof, he broke a butter dish that had been passed down from her mom whom had just died! I felt terrible! It was 2 years later was the next time we were invited for Thanksgiving, I found an antique butter plate to replace it. But if I don't feel welcome I wont go, even my in-laws! I'm sure your daughter-n-law dosn't tell the kids to act like elephants at grandma's, but if you tell her anything, I don't know her but for me, I would never come over again or speak to you or want anything to do with you, thats just me! So its up to you.

Honestly, if your grandchildren are 4 and 1, I think you daughter in law is being a good mother and keeping them entertained at what is probably not a very entertaining home. If you often have extended family around during these times, the children are probably left feeling out of sorts, and she's doing what they normally do at home. She probably is not of the "children should be seen and not heard" school of thought.

When we visit my husband's family, my husband and i have to keep our children happy. All of my sister in law's kids are older (the youngest two are 11) and don't want to play with my 3 year old and 19 month old, and my sister in law and mother in law want to sit around talking all day, and this is not fun for the kids. They would be running around getting into worse trouble if we didn't take a hand in playing with them in a place that isn't all that familiar. I somehow feel that your daughter in law is trying to keep her children happy and feeling "normal" in a situation that is somewhat unfamiliar (though they are there every couple of months, that is not a time frame that makes for familiarity in young children, and the extended family makes it even harder for them, I'm sure).

Do y'all have a backyard? Perhaps directing them outside could help. Otherwise, I think you should put up things that can be broken and enjoy the sounds of happy children and a mother that cares about them.

I have an active 3 year old so I felt compelled to respond.

My in-laws just do not seem to remember that young children have a lot of energy so we spend the majority of the time outside so my son can get out all of his energy before heading back inside. I also brought over a plastic box filled with toys and activities that stays at their house so my son will have something to do while he is there.

Do you have toys and activities for the kids to do? I also would like to ask how much time do you spend with the kids while they are there? My son literally pouted and did not want to have anything to do with his grandmother this past weekend while we were at my in-laws because she did not play with him the majority of the time while we were there. I do not blame him one bit. He also requested to go home. She wanted to relax and talk with us and watch movies (not kid friendly ones) instead of spending some quality time with her grandchild. It could of been just an off day for her but it really upset my son. I spent the entire time trying to get him involved with activities.
Just something to think about.

I think you should let it go. It's clear the kids are having fun. Who cares if a lamp gets broken if the family is together and creating great memories? Why worry about it? I think you are lucky to have her.

I don't think there is an easy answer for a situation so sensitive. Maybe she thinks that you love seeing your grandkids happy and laughing. Maybe she loves sharing it with you. Maybe she thinks that you enjoy it as well. Here is one suggestion that may work: The next time she is in the middle of this, ask her if she wants you to drive them to the nearby park for some serious playtime. If she says No, then she doesn't take the hint. You can also suggest McDonald's, but for goodness sake, go with them.

I am that DIL. Not yours really, but very similar. I play with my kids and the other grandkids and entertain them and try to make them have a good time during these family events. I think grandparents FORGET how boring and miserable it is to go to the grandparents house and hang out with the family. They forget what it was like to be a kid and want to play and have fun. They forget what it was like to be the parent to that little kid who wants to have fun but is getting yelled at for trying to have fun.
When we go to my MIL's house, she complains that all the kids are too active, have too much energy, are too loud, etc... She hovers over them and complains that they are touching things that are breakable and that they are moving things in her house. She does not have many toys or things to play with at her house nor does she move anything that she considers valuable so the kids won't break it. It is frustrating to hear your kid get yelled at everytime they move because they're used to living in total silence. Our solution has been that we just DO NOT go to her house. FOR ANYTHING. They are welcome to come to our house. but we don't go there. So, weigh your options. What are they hurting really? Is it just that they are having fun and loud? well, would you rather have that or nothing at all? Move the stuff you don't want broken. let them have fun and make some good fun memories of going to grandmas..... have you considered joining in on the chasing? you might be surprised, it really is a lot of fun..

I think it would depend on how she is in her own house. Is this "normal" behavior for her and her kids? If so, then it is not intentional and all you have to do is remind her that your house isn't set up for the activity with apologies. "I'm so sorry we have all these obstacles in your way.......let's see if we can find a better spot to get out all of that energy". Kids do need to jump and run and either a Wii game or an outdoor activity would do it. Do you have any outdoor games for them? Do you have a yard or a playground nearby?
If things have been broken before then I would move everything of value out of range before they come. Do you just hate the noise and confusion? Then speak with your son about it. For me the noise is the norm, but I have grandsons. My husband hates it though so my daughter tries to keep it to a low roar when they are here.
She may just be unaware of your need for a more peaceful place.

Don't sweat the small stuff. I wish I was an energetic Mom. She sounds really involved and I'm sure is doing a fine job raising your grandkids. Your problems could be so much bigger. Sounds like you have a blessed family - be thankfull!

Would it help if you came up with some lower impact activities to provide the children, like Playdoh or something? Lay a shower curtain on the floor and get a plastic table cloth for the table and drap a towel over the chairs and let them play away. They are at the age they would love it. Then pull out an art kit and let them draw and paint. Maybe make an obstacle course for them to run through outside and burn their energy. If that's not possible, take them to the park early in the day and let them burn it off and them come home for some lower impact activities. Sounds like they are bored and trying to fill their time and energy. Kids will be kids. Be grateful you have a good mother for your grandchildren. You could be complaining about something completely different.

If you have real cherishables, I would put them out of reach.

The bottom line is this is your home. Tell her that you enjoy spending time with all of them and her but could she please take the children outside for these types of games that are so rambunctious and loud. That she is welcome to set the kids up with quieter games and projects if she wants them to remain in the house and part of the conversation all around.

Make sure you let her know you think she is a great and attentive mom but that you would would really like to keep the inside noise down to a minimum during the visits since there are so many people there.

Good Luck... ;-)

Hi W.,
I know you may not be confortable with people running in your house or being loud while they are doing it. For myself, I love that! Kids need that kind of attention and I do the same thing. You could however get some out side toys, like shovels, buckets, balls, bubbles, etc, and ask them to play outside. Kids love that stuff too.

B.
www.MoreForMyBaby.com

I will say that to me that sounds like a pretty high-class problem to have in a daughter- in-law -- as an older, working mother who feels guilty for how tired I am all the time, how much I wish i could play intensely with my daughter (and other kids) more often, and for not doing enough to care for my child or in other ways make myself useful when I visit my husband's parents, I very much wish I could order a case or two of your daughter in law's zip! But what about shooing them all outside? I know that won't work every day, as it will sometimes be pouring rain, but even getting them out on relatively comfortable days would probably reduce the problem. You might even consider creating or identifying some outdoor fun-spot -- a wading pool, some kind of outdoor game, or if you don't have yard space, a nearby park or pond or even just something happening on your block, like "hey, the ducks over at the pond have ducklings now!" or "hey, that old building down the street is completely torn down now!" Depending on your resources, you could even pay to send them to Chuck E. Cheese or a local pool or something. Perhaps you could give some "use any time" tickets to your dil with a note saying "we think your energy with the kids is magnificent, and hope that this will help you have a great time the next time you visit."

Concerning things getting knocked over, one good idea would be to put away anything precious before the kids come, and it is also perfectly acceptable to say, in a firm but pleasant voicee "oh, no popper right now, please -- let's get them calmed down since bedtime is in just an hour." Or you could even just put it completely out of the way and if she asks says "yeah, the kids get so wound up when they play with that that we've put it away for when all of them aren't here at the same time." Also it is okay if things really are getting too chaotic in your home to say "whoa, whoa, whao, everyone -- this is too much for me -- do you want to go outside and do that, or shall I put on a video so we can all calm down for a little bit?" It helps if you can address this to the kids -- I'm not sure how "healthy" it is, but I find that I can often say things more politely to adults by seeming to say them to their kids...

Good luck!
M.

One way to do this is, a couple of weeks before the planned visit, mention that this will be a very special gathering this time. It will be by "invitation only." Invite her, but be specific about the boundaries in the invitation. Of course, you would present them in a manner that is acceptable to all of your guest. Hopefully, she will get the hint.

Would it be possible to include her in the solution? Perhaps approach her and your son together (maybe even on the phone before they come) with a statement like "I need your help with something. When the children run, play rough at my house someone always gets hurt or in trouble. I don't want Grandma's house to be the place where they get in trouble and we can't have our belongings broken any more. Since you're so good with them can you help think of activities they can do to have fun, but not break things...." It might soften it a bit, and present to her that you and she are on the same side of this.

Try getting the kids outside for playtime. If they can expend some of their boundless energy outdoors, things may go more smoothly. Also, if you are worried about things getting broken, put them away before the kids arrive. If you feel as though you must say something, speak with your son 1st. Let him know that you think she's a wonderful mom & see if he wants to talk to her, or has any suggestions on how to handle it. It's hard keeping little ones entertained outside of their normal element, so try to keep that in mind. Be sensitive to the fact that she's probably doing the best she can & trying to keep the kids happy while in your home. Best of luck!

Have a talk with her before the situation arises again. Evidently you both feel free with each other; just let her know that you'd appreciate more order. Discuss what each of you consider appropriate. Perhaps you can show her what you posted, because there are really more positives ("a great person, very attentive mother") than negatives. Don't let it fester - get it out in the open in a let's-work-together way.

She is obviously someone who responds well to children, and they to her. As they grow, she will be a favored aunt to them because she took the time to play with them. Just announce to ALL, not just to her, that for safety measures there is a new house rule...no running or rough playing in the house, it must all be done outside. If the weather is bad and they can't go outside, they'll just have to watch TV or movie until they get old enough to play board games. Those board games can be just as much fun as swinging around.

It's entirely up to you how you run your house. But, being an aunt and a mom, it is so fun to have all the kids together and run them around and play. They are just kids and that's how they respond to each other and create a bond. Didn't you ever have a favorite relative when you were little that you loved to visit and would run and play all day?
If you don't want that kind of activity in your house, set up the meet point at a park, bouncie place, or Chuck E. Cheese, where it is appropriate for that kind of bahavior. Good luck.

Unfortunately there is probably not any way to skirt around saying what you just said . . . however, "experts" say that it is usually easier to give "critisim" when it is phrased in a complimentary way.
My suggestion:
Before everyone gets there (maybe the day before?) when you can be alone with her (on the phone if you have to, but face to face she can see that you really care and are not criticizing), just tell her something like
"I love that you play with the kids, you are such a wonderful person/mother, and it is great that you care about their happiness. I would like to ask a small favor though, just for my piece of mind/sanity . . . would you please keep the rough/loud play in the back yard or play room. I know that you would feel as bad as I would if someone were to get hurt or something broken. . . How about if when we all get together, instead of the rough play we do (name a project) together. I will gather the materials and you can be the "leader"."

Or something like that. Acknowledge that you think she is agreat person and that you like how she acts (in general) with the kids. Point out your concern - specific as possible without nagging. Offer a subsitution or solution.

If she refuses to listen or to follow your requests, then you will have to be the B and tell her My house, my rules . . .

As a child my grandmother was the one who ran around the house with the grandkids and now that us grandkids have kids she has done the same thing with them as long as she can. She gets tired a lot faster these days, but she will rest and go at it again. I guess it is where you put your priorities, breakables and silence or your grandchildren and laughter filling your home. She says that one day they will be grown and gone and won't care to spend time with grandma, so she will enjoy them while she can. She builds tents in the livingroom out of sheets or blankets, but she also has her breakables and valuable things. She just keeps them out of the way so that she and the kids can have fun without worrying about putting them up or breaking them. There should be limits as to not throwing things in the house, but acting silly and being loud with a little action is not a crime. But if this is something you do not desire in your home, offer to go visit at your son's home instead where the kids feel more comfortable in their own environment.

I think you need to think about what more important your grandchildren happiness or your STUFF. If it so much trouble having that much family over maybe you should ask one or all the families to stay somewhere else. Or you should go to their house. Either way I think you need to relax. At least she loves her children and is actually paying attention to her children and someone else children.

I would suggest talking to her about it before the situation occurs, and let her know what you told us - that you really appreciate her, that she's a wonderful wife to your son, and an attentive mother to her children. However, while you don't want her to be offended in any way, you feel that you need to say, for the good of all, that...

Maybe that would soften it some? And not to do it the moment would be treating her like an adult, rather than I child to be called down, and I would expect she would appreciate that, even if it stings for a moment.

I'm a grandmother so I can relate. I take care of my 18 month granddaughter all the time. Yes you should put up as much as you can (baby proof) so you do not have to say no all the time. Having toys for the grandkids is always a great idea. I love getting down on the floor and playing with my granddaughter and going outside with her. But swinging kids around and running should be for outside. Breaking a lamp or anything just so a grandchild can have fun is not okay. Where did that idea come from? What are we teaching kids? So make sure you have some wonderful toys for them to play with and lovingly ask your daugher-in-law to do the running outside. Enjoy those grandkids!!

When our friends kids come over if they get too loud one of us either me of my husband asks them to tone it down. Usually they or the TV gets too loud again and we tell them to go outside. Even though there parents are right there and they arent saying a thing. The kids always say they will be quiet. Once outside there is usually a bug or some reason they must come inside. Too bad so sad is the responce and if they are complaining of frogs and what have you I tell them to go to the other side of the yard. I would include your daughter-in-law if she is in there and say honey I love you but you gotta calm down or get that energy outside. Be honest and realize they are there to have a good time but not to break something or hurt themselves.

I am a grandma to 3 and great grandma to 2. When we have grandchildren and/or friends/family with children in our home, we let it be known that there's no running or yelling in the house and what rooms are ok to play in. We've always done this, simply because I appreciated friends/family letting everyone know what behavior is and is not acceptable in their home. When my children were young, before we went to visit anyone, especially a new place, I told them what I expected their behavior to be. You can tell your DIL politely what you expect from her, your son & the children. If that doesn't work, take the bull by the horns and discipline the children yourself (no running in the house - if you continue, you'll have to sit in time out, etc.) Plus, we have a yard for them to play with outside toys and kid videos for them to watch & some toys for them to play with - if it's in the dining room where we're visiting - that's ok - they're part of things going on. Hope this helps you.

You need to speak to your son first. The mother in-law/ daughter in law relationship can be tricky. You do not want to "discipline" your DIL.

Calmly talk to your son before the next gathering. Explain that you love having them over and enjoying spending time with them. But you have house rules you want enforced, so that the visit will be stress free and be more enjoyable for everyone.
Ask for his help in moving the activity outside when things get going fast and furious.

Then the 3 of you: grandma, grandpa and son will have to work together to gather everyone up and "let's go outside to enjoy that game!" or whatever you say. Then all go outside to watch the beautiful, active kids play.

Perhaps if the moms have to take the kids outside and everyone else stays inside, the moms feel isolated from the rest of the group. (This happens to me at my in-laws. I take all the kids outdoors to blow off steam. I can read my in-laws body language loud and clear. But then no other adult comes out with me. I guess I need to correct that---use my own advice.)

I disagree with the post-ers who say let them run around your home and have fun. I believe kids are capable of learning different sets of expectations in different social circumstances. We have a shoes-off policy in our home. It took awhile, but all the neighbor kids know to take their shoes off at the door.

How about "Let's go outside and check out our _______(tricycles, sidewalk chalk, etc.). You will need to say something to your daughter like, I know of someone's child got hurt running through the house (our 3 YO son for example) and had to get stitches. I get nervous when the kids run though the house. But we do have a beautiful backyard (or park) nearby. Offer her something constructive when you make your request. Hope this helps!

I have to ask... If the children are 4 and 2, would they not be acting like that anyway, whether the mother is involved or not?

If you're adamant about there not being any activity in your home, and you don't want to child-proof the environment ENTIRELY so that your valuables aren't knocked over and broken, then I'd suggest you offer to go visit THEM instead of having them come visit you. This way you can spend time with them in their environment where they have their toys and are allowed to act like children.

"She chooses this time..." is a poor choice of words, IMO. That implies that she has malicious intent in deciding at that time to play with her children. I should think you would be grateful that your DIL engages the little ones and keeps them occupied rather than adopting the "Well now we're at Grandma's house, so I'm off duty!" attitude, like I see some other people do when the walk into Grandma and Grandpa's house. I'll admit that I'm sometimes guilty of that myself.

Don't ruin your relationship with your DIL. If you don't want to hurt her feelings, then DON'T.

Its YOUR house and YOUR rules. Instead of talking to the DIL, talk to the kids and let them know what is acceptable in YOUR house. Or just make a general "we're getting a little carried away" comment. My boys don't always like Grandpa's rules, but it is his house and I do enforce them!

Good Luck! It is a hard place in which to be!

She sounds like her heart is in the right place, but the roughhousing isn't! Talk to her before it happens next visit and ask her to take the kids outside to play, or confine it to certain areas. Tell her you're afraid of things getting broken, and that includes the nerves of you and your husband. Start with a compliment "you're a great mother", state your needs using an "I" message, "I get nervous with all the noise and excitement in the house", and end with another compliment, "You're a great person". She needs to know this bothers you, and you're certainly tactful enough to deal with it.