Scared About Divorce.

Hi J.,
I divorced also when my son was 18 months. In Ohio, the courts do everything in their power to grant shared parenting, even in cases where one of the parents is a mess! From what I have seen they just feel it is best for a child to have contact with both parents. Sounds like you will be just fine. My advice is to always do the right thing. Be strong and confident in yourself and your ability to provide for your daughter. Since you are not working, it should be the case that you get child support from your working ex-husband, even if you do have split time. Be sure these are things your attorney is looking at.
It is not an easy season of your life but it will pass. Know too that the arrangements will keep changing as your daughter gets older and goes through different life stages - preschool, school, etc. It is really best to stay on the best terms possible with your ex. This is obvious for your daughters benefit but also so you can deal with these chagnes together instead of through expensive court proceedings each time. And it helped me to focus on the things I could control and the things that I can't control. It is hard to let go but we really have no control over what happens to our child while they are at the other parents house. You just have to trust that God is protecting them while you are not there. Keeping open communication wtih the ex will also help with this concern.
You will be fine. It does work out and it is very scary. Find some good friends to lean on and know that you are not alone. Many of us have been there.
Take care,
L.
PS - I'm not an attorney :) Just speaking from my experiences!

Hello J....I have been through a divorce and luckily it was an amicable one if there can be such a thing. We both had our son's best interest at heart and never used him as a weapon in our divorce so it worked out well; however, I know after talking to the judge that the courts only objective when I child is involved is doing what is in the best interest of the child...that being said...usually the best interest of the child is served when both parents share custody of the child. What we did was I kept the house and so our son stayed with me during the week to stay in his school and with his friends and then every weekend he went with his dad. That is what was in writing by the courts...since we got along well we would talk to each other...for example if I had something I had to do during the week dad would pick him up and spend time with him and on the occasionally weekend I would want that extra time and dad would give it to me. My husband made a lot more money than me and could have provided a better financial life for him, but there is a formula the courts use to even this out a little bit. You will most likely get some alimony and child support, but be prepared as the court my give you a deadline to get a job and do your share...I have seen that happen as well. They will set an amount based on the current circumstances of you haveing no job, but then maybe give you six months to find a job and then they will reconvene and readjust things. Of course it is all based on the situation at hand, but if both you and your soon to be ex have your son's best interest at heart then you will most likely be happy with the outcome. I could go on forever, but if you have more questions or just need someone to talk to who has been there my email is ____@____.com. I wish you the very best of luck, but most importantly keep your head high and don't let anyone scare you because you don't have a job right now...because your job has been taking care of your child and that is the most important job a mother can have in life. Take care.
J.

Hi J., I have been thru everything you are going thru. Please try not to worry, the courts rarely give the children to the father...and men that have been hurt will threaten you with what hurts you the most..your child. Don't let it get to you, you are a good mother, and in the end the court will issue shared parenting, with him getting visitation and him paying you child support.

Hi J.,

So sorry to hear that you are going through this. I am in the middle of the process now. I likened it to being in a long tunnel. It was SO frightening at the beginning, but after a while, you begin to see light. I'm happy to say that I am finally very near the opening, and it looks lovely outside.

The fact that you are even asking about this shows that you are a concerned and loving mother. You are 98% there.

First, do you have a good lawyer? She or he can reassure you that (barring anything freakish) the ONLY way that a mother will loose custody is if she is totally incapable of providing a safe place for her children to be. That you go to school is not a bad thing at all. Child support is based on the math (State formula that it is hard to tamper with) of what he makes, what you make, who pays for insurance, and who pays for child care.

You say that you have custody currently - did the court award that to you? That is a good sign...

Chin up! You will get through this.

I Have two shoulders, you are welcome to both of them!

Regards,

L.

Has he implied that you will not get custody? If he is a bully, I have more information for you. Been there.

I've been through it too, and my heart goes out to you. How long have you been married? The courts will take that into consideration when determining if your ex needs should have to pay alimony.

Unless you're doing something horribly illegal or immoral, it's highly unlikely that the courts will give your soon-to-be-ex-husband full custody of your daughter. Like another mom said, it will probably help your case that you're not working. More than likely, the court will encourage you to have shared parenting with your ex. You will be the custodial parent, and he will get visitation rights and be ordered to pay alimony and child support.

I hope that helps put your mind at ease. If you don't have a lawyer yet, I encourage you to go talk to one. You'll feel a lot better once you understand the whole divorce process.

Jen, don't worry.. If your are a good mom and meeting all the needs of your daughter. You will be fine. Most men like to talk "big" but it usually means nothing! Most courts do not want to seperate moms and daughters.
I am curious why you would think he would get 'full' custody? Typically the courts prefer Shared Parenting with standard visitation, per the childs age is what the guidelines are.Then they designate one as a residential parent. If your ex is fighting you for custody, on what grounds is he using?
If I were you I would keep a daily journal of all events from now until your divorce. My attorney always told me to do that. Conversations w/ ex.. visitation times. EVERYTHING.. Money spent and by who.. on the child. This will come in handy. Believe me...

idk nothing bout that but if me and my husband was to split i would even go through custody we would work it out and do what is best for the baby is there some reson y yall fight over her? why not work out a plan

Do you have a lawyer?
Pro Bono Lawyers
INDIANA LEGAL SERVICES SUPPORT
151 North Delaware Street,
18th Floor
Indianapolis, Indiana 46204
Tel: 317 - 631 - 9410

Also...
http://www.lsoi.org/stc_site/Legal_Aid_Indianapolis.htm

I only say that this would be a great place to get some advice. I do not advocate divorce and actually believe fully in reconciliation, due to personal experience. But...you do need to be informed and protect yourself at this point. I think it would relieve some stress and any misinformation.

Hey J.,

I've not been through a divorce personally but have friends and family that have. Unless the court deems you "unfit" due to the things you mentioned (ie, drugs, alcohol, etc) there's no legal reason your husband should get full custody rather than you. So what if you're not working. He is and can pay child support! The fact that you're going to school should work in your favor showing that you are pursuing and education for a better job to support your daughter. Do you have someone to reliable to watch her while you go to class? Don't let your husband or his lawyer bully you. Stand up for your rights as a mother and believe in yourself and your ability to care for your daughter. Good luck!

Mom of 3

HI, I recently got divorced and went through a really bad custody battle over my daughter. The court will not grant him custody based on you not working since you are going to school. They will look at what best for the child. You are primary the care taker so they will give you custody. Have you contacted an attorney? I been fighting my ex for my daughter for long time and I believe if you can agree it's probably best but be careful not to agree to something that you don't want just for that. Good luck.

It boils down to more than the money when it comes to custody. He cannot prove you unfit in any way. The upside to you not working is that you are in a better position to meet all of the other needs for the child. As to the money, well honey, that's what child support and alimony are for. Many wives have been given alimony to support themselves as well as child support for their children until such time as their schooling is complete and they are able to support themselves independently. Then they just get the child support.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. Divorce sometimes can be like a death of it's own. You have my thoughts and prayers. I have been through it and am always happy to talk or give a listening ear. PM me anytime.

L.

Just because he has a job and you don't does not mean he will get custody of your little girl. The Court looks at the stability of both homes. They also look at who has always been the primary caretaker of the child. Most Judges do look at the mother first for full-custody, unless the father can prove that it's not good for the well being of the child for her to be with you. Since you don't do drugs and don't drink, that is good on your part. Also, please note, someone mentioned in their email about you being able to get spousal support "aka alimony". If you live in Indiana, that's not an option. They do not allow for spousal support in certain states. If you don't have an attorney, I do strongly suggest you get one. It may not seem like it's necessary, but since you don't know the legal aspects that come with divorce, it's definitely best to seek counsel. Make sure your attorney is someone who deals with family law on a regular basis.

J., If I were you I would not have anything to worry about. As long as you don't have a criminal record and there is no way he can prove that you are an unfit mother there is no way you will lose custody of your child. They normally give the mother custody especially if the child is still living with you. Unless you two decide on joint custody. Good luck. V.

J.,
Don't worry too much about this. Most judges keep children w/mommy unless you're just UNFIT and he can prove it. He will get visitation, and of course you wouldn't deny him that. Has he stated that he would try for full custody??You are trying to better yourself and your future, thats GREAT!! There's nothing wrong w/that. Do you belong to a church family?? Do you believe in prayer?? "Prayer can move mountains"
Just be confident in yourself and the love you have for your daughter.
There are lots of moms/dads going through or have gone through your same situation. You've reached out now sit back and take notes!!

Good luck. Keep in touch!
R.

I wouldn't worry a whole lot because judges usually side for the mother. Unless he can prove you unfit more than likely you will be able to keep custody of your daughter.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4.

Hey honey, been there done that! Just be strong! It is very hard to try to prove that a parent isn't worthy of having their child. Will he not have to pay alimony?? There is also shared parenting were you will both have her equal times. I went through a fairly long divorce with a 6 month old so I will help to comfort your nerves where I can!! You can write me at ____@____.com Wishes,
J. Saunders

Dear J.,

Divorce is scary. I can say that because I am going through one myself. My husband & I have signed papers, just waiting for the judge to sign. I had some of that concern myself, I fell into clinical depression which made me feel like a terrible person, wife & mother. Anyway, when I was working with my therapist, he reassured me that if I wanted custody, my husband could not get it. Fortunately & unfortunately in some situations mothers have more rights than fathers. Unless a mother is found as "unfit" it is VERY, VERY unlikely you would not get custody. Just because you do not have a job does not mean you are not able to take care of your daughter. Keep your head up. Find some support. I leaned on God to get me through. God helped me find a strong support in new & old friendships. You can always e-mail me direct if you ever need some support. ____@____.com
Take one day at a time.
Sincerely,
AmyB

Hi I don't know much about divorce but if you want to talk you could email me. I have 2 kids 9 and 2. I live in Middleburg Hts. Maybe we could go out for lunch or something. Dannielle ____@____.com

Do you have a good lawyer who is good at child custody? What state are you in? Laws vary from state to state and knowledge is power. Just because he has a job and you are a SAHM has nothing to do with custody. Know your rights and don't sign anything. Will you receive maintenance as well as child support? BTW, is he threatening to ask for full custody?

Will you have any form of income other than whatever child support he will be paying?
Are you going to school full time or part time?
There are a few extra details here it would be helpful to know.
Who watches the child while you are in school?
You may have to consider getting a part time job and going to school only part time as well.
I will be praying for you.
P. R

Don't be scared. If you provide a good dependable babysitter while you are at school and can provide a good home then you have nothing to worry about. He would have to prove you unfit as a mom for that young of a baby. I have been through this a few times. I would suggest going to church as courts look at the fact of if the child is getting religion in their lives. don't have a boyfriend or go to bars. You will be under a microscope. He has alot to prove for you to loose your baby.

Don't count your chickens before they hatch. I've never been through a divorce, but my heart goes out to you. You are a good mother, God knows that, and we as moms don't always see whats right in front of us. (My DH tells me this all the time). THe judge will take everything into consideration, and rule accordingly. They aren't heartless jerks who only look at the parent who is the sole bread winner for custody. Take heart, pray about it, if you do that. God will not leave you.

A friend and a Believer

Hi J.,

My brother amazingly got full custody of his 5-year-old daughter. When he and his ex-wife divorced, they initially came up with their own visitation times with their daughter. His ex-wife then decided to take my brother to court for full custody. Well, they walked out of court with my brother being awarded full custody. This is down in NC.

His ex was 'not a good mother' in the sense that she would never pay for their daughter's daycare. My poor niece was constantly being kicked out of daycares and babysitter's because of it. My brother's ex held several jobs in a short time frame because she would be fired for things like not showing up, coming in late, etc. My brother had kept awesome journals of notes, receipts, phone bills, phone messages, letters from daycares stating that he was paying his half, that proved he was doing everything 'that he was supposed to be doing' to be considered a 'good daddy'. My niece was having major 'anger' issues, and my brother believed it was because she needed some stability. The judge agreed. His ex gets her every other weekend.....as a mother, that breaks my heart. But to see my niece thriving now, it all makes sense and is worth it now.

I don't tell this story to scare you too death. It's to give you advice that the whole note keeping and keeping track of tons of details is worth it. The fact that you are going to school to 'better yourself' and to help you land a good job, is a major plus! Good luck!!!

I have been through the same thing. Unfortunately for me, my ex did get custody. Please don't let anyone fool you into thinking that the woman always gets custody. That simply is not true. My fatal mistake was allowing my son to stay with his father while I waited 2 weeks for my new apartment to be ready. I moved out of our house because his parents were involved in our everyday lives and had keys. We had already come to an amicable agreement that our son would be raised by both of us, but live with me. I dropped my son off at daycare before I went to work one day, and when I went to pick him up they said he had never been there. My in-laws picked him up within minutes of me dropping him off. They hid my son from me and got a restraining order against me. The police told me there was nothing I could do because we were married and he had not left the state with him. 2 1/2 years later, he ended up with custody because of that one mistake. If a temporary custody arrangement has not been established in court, do not let him take that baby. If custody has not been established, whoever has her in possession at the time has the rights. It is sad to say, but I don't believe in the court system after my divorce. I am a great mom and he even said in a court deposition that he smoked pot, and they still gave him custody!

I am a divorced, single mother of an 11 and a 15 year old. My kids have different dads, so I went through the custody thing 2 times. My ex-husband never really caused any problems, but my ex-boyfriend caused me nothing but pain. He "sued" me for custody 3 times. He threatened me with anything and everything he could think of. I kept a journal of all the conversations and threats, etc. It came in very handy. I notified my attorney after every threatening phone call or confrontation. How are things with you and your ex going? Do you have officail custody as of right now? Has he given you any indication he plans on taking your daughter after the divorce is finalized? How are you supporting yourself? I commend you for getting your education. That is something I did not do and now regret. I am finally interested in going back to school, but now I can't afford it. Do what you can to get your degree. Do you plan on getting some type of job soon? Hope some of this is helpful. My situation was a little different than yours. But I am hear if you need to talk or vent.

Hi, I have never been through a divorce but my daughter has. My advice is to get a good lawyer. If you are on the up and up like you said you should have no trouble keeping custody of her. He might get joint custody but as long as you have parental in house custody you should get child support. In Indiana it goes according to the amount he makes. Keep praying that things will work out in your favor and don't give up. Hope this helps you and fI will keep you in my prayers.

Just because he has a job, doesn't mean that he will get custody of your little girl. You are entitled to Child Support as well as Alimony. Don't let your soon-to-be exhusband try to tell you otherwise. The judge will see that you are a good, responsible mother and they usually side with the mother anyways. The only way he would get custody is if you did all the things that you listed that you dont do, so you are in good shape. Divorce is hard and it is very scary, but you will pull through. Just remember that you can be strong for your little girl and don't let your ex-husband try to BS you into thinking otherwise.

Any chance you are still nursing? That can be a big determiner. Otherwise, there's no reason they would give him full custody if you can support her and yourself, but unless he does soe of those bad things, you probably will have shared custody.
Good Luck! :)

Make sure you have a good lawyer that will do something for you. Mine wouldn't fight for me. I eventually got another one and won my cases. My ex was always taking me to court for one thing or another. It never got to the court room since I got a different lawyer. Very rarely will they ever take a child away from their mother. They have to have a pretty good reason. Not working is not one of them. I hadn't worked in 6 years and was trying to get on my feet and find a job or go to school. I had custody of my daughter and he had visitation rights. He tried to prove me unfit and several other things, but never made it. I am praying for you. You should do fine.

Please don't worry yourself over this matter. You're soon to be ex hubby will have to prove you unfit before the court will take away your daughter. It doesn't matter if he's the one working and you're not. You're doing what you can as a mother by taking care of your daughter ~ and responsibly. I have two boys, ages 11 and 6, and neither father sees them. It's as if they just don't care that they helped make these beautiful children. I've done what I can to get their dad's to see them, but they choose not to do so. As long as you are taking care of your daughter, you have nothing to worry about. If you're still a little hesitant, maybe you could contact an attorney and see what he/she has to say about the situation. This might give you some peace of mind. Hope I was of some help. ~*P.*~

J.,
I've never been through this.
However, if you ever need to talk please feel free to e-mail me at ____@____.com
I live in Avon, Ohio. Are you near this area?
We moved here two years ago and it's always nice to make new friends! :)
Hang in there. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers!
Feel free to e-mail me ANYTIME!!!!
If you do, the first time just put in the Subject: Mamasource Mom or something so I know it's not junk mail.
T.

Your lawyer can probably give you the best indication as to whether you will gain custody. If you live in Ohio, you are lucky, because it is very rare that the fathers get custody except in cases where the mother is unfit. Not being employed does not make you an unfit mother especially when you are in school and trying to seek employment. Like I said, your lawyer probably has the best advice.

J.
All of these wonderful women are correct. My ex still tries to bully me occasionally- but the reality is- they really don't want full custody, they couldn't do all the things that a toddler needs....lol

Get a good attorney. Improve your self esteem. Always tell the truth- and stand firm in both of you taking your daughter into consideration first.

Believe it or not- you used to love this person- and we pray that you can get past the emotion of divorce and just manage the rest as business...

If you need to talk- all my info is on my profile..

Love and Blessings,
M.

J., you've gotten lots of good advice already on getting a good attorney, etc. The part that touched me the most is your fear of losing your daughter. I've been divorced myself for almost 8 years, and can tell you from personal experience that that fear can be overwhelming through the entire court experience (and any times you end up going back). Just hang in there and try to stay calm. Ohio is big on shared parenting, which can mean anything from splitting weeks to the more traditional schedule of Wednesday nights and every other weekend for the one parent (generally the dad). Just make sure you have a good lawyer. And since you've got custody presently, that's a good start! Make sure you keep very detailed notes on EVERYTHING! The longer it goes on, and realistically the more times you end up in court, the easier it becomes. Our divorce took 14 months, and then he turned around 11 months later to take me back for child support reduction. That dragged out almost 2 years, then he took me back to try to change our custody arrangements (which was the Weds/every other weekend). After another almost year, that failed too. Try to stay calm, make sure you don't do anything that a lawyer could twist to look bad in court. Just take care of yourself and love yourself and your daughter. It IS hard, but you WILL make it through.
Good luck and God bless you!

Hi J.. I have never been through a divorce, but have had a similar situation where this was a concern. As far as I was told, the courts will never take a child from their mother unless the mother is unfit or can not take care of the child. From what you are saying, it doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about. You are going to school to better your life and better your child's life also. Good luck with all of that, but I'm sure you'll be fine.

J., try to not to worry too much about losing custody of your daughter. It takes alot for a judge to award custody solely to the father. My daughter has gone through 2 divorces and she has custody of her 2 children. She's not a wealthy person by any means and has struggled severely financially being a single mom with two kids.
The courts work very hard to keep children with their mothers. Just because you are in school is no reason to award custody to your ex. That shows the court you are trying to get an education to better yourself and provide for your child. The situation has to be much more extreme.
Hang in there...it will all work out...

Hi. I've never been divorced but you sounded like you just needed a friend and I can help there.If you need to talk I'll listen. I'll pray for you. A little about me. I'm 27 and am a stay at home mama to 5 children.I've been married for 8 years to my high school sweetheart. S.

Hi J. B.

It IS scary for a mom to consider the thoughts you're having about custody, needless to say the stress of the other triage that happens with divorce... but it does happen, to at least 50% of the U.S. (us) population.

I have been the sole custodial parent in my family for years and for some reason my former hubby's lawyer did not pursue shared parenting, so that's what happened. In any case, the court is usually very sympathetic to a mother. The whole issue of "unfit-ness" is extremely difficult and costly to prove & it sounds like that is not a concern for you.

What we are cautioned about through custody matters is keeping in mind the welfare of the child. You know: the whole using the child as a pawn concern. As long as your soon to be former husband feels/knows that you are in no way/shape/or form trying to keep him from seeing his child, things automatically go smoother.

Life does happen after the divorce, sometimes we just can't feel it when we are in the midst of the chaos of it. Keep love in your heart and know that you are loved and cared about. And keep the faith.

Warmly, M.

It's is my understanding unless he can prove you unfit I don't see how he would get full custody, he'll prolly get joint. Are you not working by choice? Depending more on your situation and the area you live I know of a really good lawyer. If you'd like to talk futher you can email me at ____@____.com

Best wishes
A.

Don't be scared. I went through it 3 years ago and at the time my daughter was 7 years old. I believe if you were not working before the divorce then they can't hold that against you now. My ex and me have joint custody and it works great but I know not all divorces are like ours. I can't imagine any judge taking a 19 month old baby away from their mother and usually what ever arrangement you have while the divorce is going on, they keep that arrangement when its final. The most important thing to remember is to put your daughter first and put aside your differences for her. Be strong, you will get through it.

I've never been through a divorce, but I understand your fear. Please know that I'm praying for you and your family. May the Lord be with you all.

Hi,

First, breathe. It may seem scary but you will be okay. I was recently in your position. I was a SAHM of 2 when I filed for divorce. The courts, as many people have already stated, want "shared parenting" now. Basically, it's a glorified version of full custody where mom has all the responisibility and dad gets them every other weekend and holiday. You can show that you are in school and are bettering yourself so they will take that into consideration.

Second, if you haven't already done so, get a good lawyer or mediator. I had a mediator, but my ex knew that I had him over a barrel due to his affair and my not working outside of the home. He didn't argue much until the end when I started to re-grow my backbone and stuck to my guns.

Depending on how long you were married, you are entitled to spousal support (aka alimony). For every 3 years you were married you get 1 year of support (until remarried, co-habitating, or more gainfully employed). How much depends on your lifestyle together, his income, and the income you will need to survive. That will be hammered out when you get a seperation agreement. If you ask for too much, the court will deny it. If you ask for too little, you may feel the huge pinch later.

Third, remember to save as much back as you can now. Child support can take up to 6 weeks from the divorce to kick in. My mom told me to do this and I was reluctant at first. I saved back all of the money from the sale of my horse and I'm glad that I did. Without that I would've been in a hole mess of hurt when the bills came due and he wasn't fulfilling the child and spousal support orders. If you can't save back then file for any kind of assistance that you can with the city. I never did that, but, in retrospect, wish that I had. They may even help to pay off your schooling.

I truly understand the fear that you're facing right now, but you'll be ok! Everything happens for a reason. Chin up, ducky!

First off...I want to say CONGRATS for continuing your education! The courts will see that you are not just sitting at home, being a lazy bum living off of the system and your ex. Seeing that you are "working" (going to school) towards a career, they will take that into consideration. Now, my suggestion is to at least get something part time so they can see that you are at least providing a little bit for your daughter. Every little bit really does count when it comes to the courts!

I've been there done that. The courts now are looking for both parents to be in their children's lives. Alot of judges are ruling for joint custody. Especially with a little one. We had joint custody until my son became school age then we agreed that he would need the stability of one home for school purposed then split up summer vacation. If you feel your soon to be ex is a good father to your daughter then it may be something to consider. If you two can agree it will save a lot of $ and time with your divorce.

Good luck to you it is a tough thing to go through but just because you are not working does not matter to a judge they want to know you are bettering yourself and financial situation for the future. Not to mention you have the time to spend with your daughter.

The Lord will guide you.