25 answers

Custody, Visitation, and Ex's Girlfriend

My ex has been seeing this girl, I'll call her Julie, for 4 months. I just found out about her 1 week ago. Turns out our daughter has been living with her. When James (fake name to make this easier, father) has our daughter, he lives with his gf at her parent's house. When he doesn't have our daughter, he lives at his condo. He says it is easier for our daughter and it gives her a stable family environment. Well turns out that he works most of the time he has our daughter and ditches our daughter with his gf's mother, when I am available to spend time with our daughter. This highly irritates me, especially when I am stuck asking the gf if I can have my daughter to spend time with her, and she says no that her grandma (gf mom) is spending time with daughter today. They are not married, or engaged. Now not only is this women deciding on who care takes for my daughter when her father is at work, but she also decided to sign her up for gymnastics (did get father's signature, but that is as far as his participation goes). They kept her gymnastics a secret from me because they didn't want me to attend. This was the gfs special time with my daughter. I'm trying to be nice and civil with her, but its been really difficult, because it feels like she is trying to take over. What should I do? I can't do much with her father because he is obstinate and still resentful of our split, and I have a personal protection order against him so face to face contact is not possible. More info, this gf has a 2 1/2 yr daughter as well. My daughter is 3. I dunno I'm just frustrated and wondering what I should do. If I am available to spend time with my daughter, and her father is not spending his time with her, then why should the gf? I basically have 50/50 with the gf at this point. What should I do?

PS Today the gf told her mother (Tina) that she(Tina) would have to babysit the girls this weekend. Right in front of me!!! Never once was I asked if I could take my daughter, which I can!!! I made it clear that I could, and was basically brushed off. Why am I in the position of asking the gf if I can spend time with my daughter??!!!

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Hazel B, I think out of everyone's advice yours is the most dead on. I am being drawn into constant conflict. He is doing everything in his power to irritate me. This gf and her family do not seem to be a negative influence on my daughter. Yes ex and gf cross the line again and again, but as long as I keep entertaining their battle and their attempts to irritate me, they win. I'm going to enjoy the time I have with my daughter, and enjoy the time when I don't have her.. Plus I figure when ex and his gf's common interest, hurting and irritating me, is taken away, then they can concentrate on each other. I really don't foresee the relationship lasting too long, and hopefully I can do damage control for my daughter when that day comes. I was so caught up in the battle, which seems to be the normal response, but that is what my ex was always good at. If he wanted a certain response, he did what he had to to get that. I have this wonderful book called Dealing with Emotional Vampires, and it explains him perfectly. As long as they don't hurt my daughter, I can deal with their attempts to hurt and manipulate me. Thank you for your advice.

Featured Answers

My friend went through a similar situation. You need a lawyer because there are visitation laws about no overnite visits if the parent lives with a partner unmarried. My friend had her childs fathers visitation reduced to 8am-8pm with no overnites because he lived with girlfriend.

1 mom found this helpful

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My friend went through a similar situation. You need a lawyer because there are visitation laws about no overnite visits if the parent lives with a partner unmarried. My friend had her childs fathers visitation reduced to 8am-8pm with no overnites because he lived with girlfriend.

1 mom found this helpful

u r being manipulated...just relax and go have a good time. go to meetups.com and find some things that you enjoy doing and go do them and when they try and manipulate u, then u can say, oh i'm going hiking, rock climbing, dining, etc.....2 can play the same game....if the girl wants to date a loser, u will have the last laugh, and just tell her, at least he gets a free babysitter....he doesn't have to pay u, but he will...in the end, he will pay her the way he did u....

1 mom found this helpful

You have to go to court! They should set it up that you and her father are each others first option "babysitter". That means that even if it is his time to have her, if he has to work, then you get first option to have time with her - and vice versa when it is your scheduled time. It is in the best interest of the child to be with her parents, not friends and/or strangers. My brother in law just went thru separation with his girl friend and this is the ruling that they got. She is your daughter! and if she is not with her dad, then she should be with you!

From reading your other question it seems, and please don't take this as mean, but it seems that you're being kind of chicken when it comes to the g/f. Maybe you just don't want to start drama but that woman needs to realize that she has absolutely no rights to your child and no right to arrange for a babysitter for her either. Also, you are in the position of asking the g/f for your daughter because it seems you don't put up a fuss about it. Make it crystal clear that YOUR daughter is not HER daughter and YOU make these decisions. If she brushes you off, be there on the weekend to pick your daughter up! If they refuse to give you your daughter, call the police. I'm serious! The g/f and her mother have absolutely no rights to her and they need to be put in their place. Once they realize that YOU are the one in control and in charge they will not be so quick to brush you off. Please don't feel like you're stuck in this situation! You have the power here. Go to court and get the custody order changed. You don't deserve this type and treatment and your daughter deserves to be with her mother if her father is unable/unwilling to spend the time with her. This makes me so angry! How dare the g/f tell you you can't have your daughter on any given day. Anyway, like I said make it clear to all, including the grandmother that you will be picking your daughter up on such and such day and be there. As far as keeping it postive and nice, I say throw that out the freakin window! You need to be assertive and make it clear that you're the one in charge, not her.

I empathize. I really do. You didn't say if you and your ex have joint custody,tho. If you do, I would think that the gf is WAY overstepping her boundaries and authority. If you have joint custody, you need to sit down with your attorney/friend of the court and bring this situation up.

Dad is being lazy.
GF is overstepping her position.
NO one is realizing that your daughter is in the middle of all this baloney, and isn't aware of the role she's playing in a custody battle.

If you don't have joint custody, there has to be a reason why.
I don't understand a 3 year old in gymnastics tho. That's beyond ludicrous.
Talk to your lawyer tho

Ok, so my understanding is that you have 50/50 custody. I know u liked Hazel B's response, but I personally think that it is a petty response that misses the real issue. The issue, it sounded to me, was lack of time with your daughter and lack of cooperation on the father's part. This woman (gf) has been given power that she really is not entitled to have. If the custody arrangement is court appointed, perhaps you need to petition the court for a different custody arrangement. If u haven't already, start documenting what's going on using accurate names, dates, times, and detailed accounts of what is taking place (i.e. specific conversations, actions, etc.). Keep phone bills, emails, and other correspondence and proof of communication. Establish your evidence, consult a lawyer (one who specializes in custody cases), and go back to court if case seems in your favor. To take Hazel's approach could possibly make you look like an uninvolved, preoccupied parent to the courts and possibly at some point to your child. If you want time with your daughter, as a mother who loves her child, u deserve it. Fight for what you are entitled to as a loving parent and don't let your ex and his gf try to dictate or manipulate. Soon they will know that u won't let up and eventually and hopefully see it's best not to strive with u, but work with u. Hope all goes well for u and your daughter.

Wow...my daughters father is living with a new girlfriend...but nothing like this. I had him bring his new gf over for me to meet her first before she was even around my daughter. You need to speek up or they will run all over you. It is not the gf decison on anything. I wish you the best of luck.

It looks like from your other post that you have a court order visitation schedule. What I would do, is go to friend of the court, and request to have the scheudle changed. If you feel better have an attorney with you. But all you have to do, is go to the court, fill out the paperwork, and they will schedule a date for you to go to change it. I have a stepson, so I can help you out in a lot of the process and what happens.

When you go you will have a mediator meet with you. At that point, you tell them, why this schedule does not work with your daugthter. Also I would enroll her in the school, then you can say she is in school, and is missing school, becasue her father won't let her go to school. I will say, that your order will have to be changed when your daughter is in school anyways. The order for my step son also had to be changed when he entered school.

FOC is looking out for the best interest of the child. If she is in school, and needs the school, they will make sure she is there. But you can also bring up, how he has a place, but the daughter is never with him there. In our order it does state, that if one parent can not watch the child ovetnight, the other has the right to watch the child first. And you can approach that on the weekends he has her, he works the entire time, and doesn't see the child. But be willing to compromise as well, that they may say, he gets her in the evenings during the week to have time with her.

The first step is to go to FOC, and get things rolling with them. They will do what they see as best for the child, and they can only go by the info they get from you as to what is happening with the child.

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