SAHM Question - Saint Paul,MN

I grew up on a farm. Everyone worked. Taking care of the house and the kids was just one of the many many jobs that my mother and the other farm wives had. "Town" women often had jobs, too, especially once the kids were in school. The idea of becoming a SAHM was completely foreign to me, and so I never wanted that.

I am now a part-time consultant, part-time graduate student, and part-time SAHM - which I find ideal, but is going to change soon as I am looking at taking a FT but short-term contract to get my finances in a better place.

Its not a regional thing as much as its a cultural thing. I have been all over the northern half of the country and there are stay at home moms all over, but the high profile ones seem to be more against the idea. I live in Portland and here we have a lot of stay at home dads too. (I am a teacher so thats what we have most of the year). But, there are a lot of people who either feel that being a sahm/d isn't worthwhile and they need the validation of going to work, or to be fair between the adults. (this was my dad) and there are the ones who need to work to have self confidence and to have adult time. (thats me).

Growing up almost everyone I knew had both parents work - it was very normal to me and in fact a 'stay at home mom' was a minority. After getting married I moved to a suburban area (I had lived in a non-metro/suburban area in Central IL) - I get asked all of the time if I stay home - just assumed b/c I am a woman that I stay home. I was surprised by the number of people I know who stay home with their kids. I feel guilty about it plenty - it's not that I'd rather work, just that my husband was unemployed shortly after I had our son and I became the primary breadwinner. When my husband did get a job it was entry level so it's never been an option for me to be home :(
Guess that was more than just answering your question - I always feel the need to justify why I am not home w/my kids!!!

There are many SAHM's in the area. The majority understand. Its a better idea for me stay home, my husband wouldn't have it any other way and neither would I. We did the same for our oldest daughter until she went to middle school, now i'm home again with our toddler. The only person that seems to have a problem with it is my sister (whose married for 14 yrs and has no children). She would tease me calling me susie homemaker and say being at home isn't hard work at all along with other cruel comments. Trying to explain to her that being a SAHM has long hours (24/7) no time off, time management of all schedules, chores, accounting for bills etc. its hard. She nagged me to go back to work. Then she got fired and her husband decided to teach her a lesson, he made a schedule for her to follow and then she understood that being home isn't sitting down eating bon-bons. I believe some people think that SAHMs are a dying breed when its actually becoming more of a common concept again. If the choice to be a SAHM is an option, its the best gift to see your little ones grow, learn, change and achieve.

I am a SAHM and it seems to be about 50/50, with my neighborhood and friends, of women that stay home and who work. I think kids look to their parents to determine what is "normal" and what is not. If your nieces and nephews never had stay at home parents, then they probably would think it is strange for someone to stay at home. On the flip side, my daughter is always shocked when she finds out that some mommy's work and the daddy stays home or the kids have to go to daycare. Granted, she is only 3, but she is very intuitive for her age! She has the idea that all mommy's stay home and the daddy's go to work. I am trying very hard to get that idea out of her head because I don't want those stereotypes to inhibit her in any way.

My husband is in the army and since we live on post, there are a lot of moms who stay home... including myself. When you have frequent moves it is sometimes easier to stay home instead of having a job history that is all over the place. Also, When husbands are deployed, it is easier to stay at home to make sure everything gets taken care of because hubby is not there to help. But I know that this is a very different kind of situation than most. You have to remember that today's economy is rough and many parents not only work, but actually work multiple jobs. Back in our home town, I only know one other mother that stays home with her children (out of our entire group of family band friends)! Times are very different than they used to be and your nieces and nephews may not have any friends whose parents stay at home.

Quite regional.

In some areas (like mine) A lot of it is directly related to childcare costs.

In our area it's 1600 a month for infant care until the child is potty trained. For those who can actually afford 1600 a month (aka not be losing money working), the question is how much *more* do you need to be making after paying for childcare? $100 a month? $500 a month? $1000 a month? $2000 a month? (breaking it down hourly is even more depressing, when I *finally* would have been in the 'black' I would have been making $1.60 an hour. Um. $8 a day after taxes is just not worth it to me to work any job that wasn't a career. AKA if I was going to essentially be working for free I had better be 'moving up the ladder'. Any other jobby-job? Heck no.) If you're making $1-3 an hour after paying $10 an hour for childcare... is that worth it to you? Of course, for families with more than 1 child, those numbers alter a bit. $3200 a month for 2 kids in diapers, or $4000 a month for 2 kids in diapers and 1 out. But the cost benefit analysis is still mostly the same.

In our area, there is typically 1 SAHP until their youngest is out of diapers OR parents work opposite shifts. Because...

Another factor is housing costs. A 2b/1ba starter home in our area is half a million. Soooooo many people go back to work as soon as daycare costs halve (when the youngest is potty trained), so that they can get out of an apartment (average is 1200-1700 a month for a 2b/1ba apartment) and into a house with a yard (2500 a month and up).

In our area SAHPs after the kids start school are the minority. So much so that the public schools have 'Moms & Muffins' and 'Dads & Donuts' (hey! I wanna donut! Stupid 'healthy' muffins! Give me an eclair!) and other parent interactive things BEFORE school hours. Ugh. I had to drag myself up out of bed to be at school at 6am 4 times the year my son was in school. But having super early stuff (instead of the 10am stuff they did 20 years ago) is the only way to get parental involvement, because most parent work.

It's ALSO what's *AVAILABLE* to stay at home parents once their kids are in school that in part determines what's regionally normal (after daycare costs for wee ones, and housing costs in general). Some areas which are very PRO stay at home parent have tons of neighborhood and community things for stay at home parents. In other areas, you can feel like you're losing your mind of loneliness and boredom.

I was absolutely blown away visiting a friend in Utah. There was so much to do! All child friendly ADULT get togethers. BBQs, and "game nights" -at 10am, or 2pm), and swimming groups, and jogging groups, and singing, sports, reading, car repair... pick an INTEREST and there was a parent group for that that met during the school day!!! Kids welcome! An area set aside for naps and nursing! Neighbors actually got together to hangout. Mindblowing. Coming from an area where most families are dual income, and the only "activities" during the day are KID related (toddler dance, gymnastics, playdates, etc.) it actually floored me to see OUR brains being encouraged not to turn into oatmeal.

Same token, in our area SAHPs are (generally) looked down on. Families will pay a person or a facility several thousand a month for childcare, but that same respect (for working a highly paid job) just isn't given to stay at home parents. In other areas dual income parents are looked down upon. It very hard REGARDLESS of your choice to live in an area where you are 'looked down upon' by people in general.

To be honest, I had no idea there were SAHM's anymore until my sister became one 10 years ago. Then they seemed to sprout up like mushrooms - everywhere.