Sad ,Lost, Loney

Hi D.,
I live in NW portland if you ever want to get together. I have a almost 2.5 year old boy and an 11 month old daughter. I have no idea what it would be like to lose a child, I think it is every mother's biggest fear. I lost my mom last year so I know a little bit about loss and grief. The Dougy Center is really a great place, I would recommend looking into it as others have suggested. Know that you are not alone and I think it's great that you are speaking out.
B.

Where do you live and how often are you able to have a playdate? I too am a sahm with one 14 month old and one on the way...i can totally relate to the husband not being available much of the time.:( So, it is really important to talk with women who can appreciate the need for conversation and its therapeutic benefits. My email is ____@____.com you should write me and we can try to meet up sometime.:)

Dear D.:

I am so sorry for you loss, pain and lonliness. I cannot tell you I know that pain but I do care that you are feeling it. I do know of a place in Portland, called the Dougy Center that helps families with the grieving processes. I know it seems easiest to hide from the pain by being busy but that can make the pain linger. If it were me, I would seek some support in my grief thru councelling or support groups, along with friends and family. Healing this wound does not tell your son that you do not miss him or love him any less. It is what he would want for his Mommy, to be happy and for his memory to be a good one. I really hope you can find the help and support you need. Feel free to reach our to me when and if you need to.

D.

D., do you live in the Vancouver, WA area? I do get better acquainted get togethers and we play games. We share together, eat, do a short devotional and play games. I'd love to have you join us. These get togethers are every 2nd Wednesday at 3:30 and 4th Friday at 3:30, at my house and we also meet after Sunday School Oasis class, noonish, at Crossroads Community church for those who can't come during the week or just want to enjoy being together for games on Sunday too.

I also do a Mom and child/ grandparents get together once a month... we are working on setting a monthly day that everyone can depend on that I will be here for anyone that comes. We do scrapbooking, cards, games and crafts for children and my goal is to help each child make their own family scrapbook. They love it! The Mom and Child is with 2-6 year olds from my class at Crossroads Community Church that I've taught for over 12 years, for children of bible study parents. Again, I'd love to have you join us.

I can't imagine losing a 2 year old, and my heart goes out to you. I'm glad you keep busy home schooling... and making life special for your girls and husband. I know what it is like to not have husband around a lot... mine was military and in Vietnam when my children were young. He passed away almost 5 years a go and now I share my home to have family and friends in.

I live in the Hazel Dell area of Vancouver, and if that is close enough to you, please let me know and we'll make some plans.

M., ###-###-####, ____@____.com

Hi, D..

I'm so sorry for your loss and while I haven't lost a child, I can relate to the deep feelings of sadness, loneliness, agonizing pain and wanting to hide away from the world and weep. The only thing that gets me through the days, weeks and months like this, is to pray. You may or not be a believer, and I was not a believer until I was in my darkest hour with no hope, no energy and no desire. Not knowing what else to do, I cried out to God with a one word prayer, "HELP!" Granted, it wasn't an immediate recovery, but each day I began to feel a bit more peace and strength to make it through. After a year or so, I started to attend church and women's groups. There I found a support system, of other women and families, that is there to remind me how much I'm loved and pull me up when I start heading back down. I will pray for you and your family. Please remember you are never alone.

In Him,
A.

Well first I think it is very normal to feel this way, especially when you reach this time of year. I send you my biggest hug. I am amazed at how strong you are Momma!!

I am a little concerned that you feel you need to "hide" from it. Please let what ever needs to come out find an outlet. I could see counseling as being a very good thing. An outside party that isn't also mourning the loss of your boy as well could be the sympathetic ear that your husband is not able to be. I think that could be a great weight on your relationship and your man is doing the absolute best that he can.

It is ok that your boy is part of your day-to-day heart and mind. It is just hard to find a way to honor him especially since it is such a "recent" wound. Heart-holes like that have no patch just love and good intention can pretend to fill that void.

I am soooo proud of you Momma. You are walking forward and you are reaching out. I hope you can see the small victories along this way. My biggest hug for you Momma!!!

Hi D.,

First my heart goes out to you. I would write what I'm feeling but I am at work and can't turn the tears off when I think of your pain.

As for company and friends, I live in southeast portland. If you want to hang out or meet, email me. I have two children, a four year old and a two year old. I have a bunch of friends but none of them have children. So a friend that is a mama would be great! I'm not from Portland either so my friends with kids are all back home. So I know what you are going through.

Take care and if you want to talk, email, or meet. Just email me, new friends are great gifts!

Hi D.,

I see you've had many responses, but I wanted to encourage you to continue to seek what you need to grieve and move through this terrible, heart-wrenching process. The Dougy Center could be a great help for your entire family http://www.dougy.org/ Please get in touch with them and follow up with the mom's on this list offering friendship and support.

Losing a child - I can't even imagine. I lost a little brother at 14 months and my sister lost a baby in infancy so your post hit close to home. I'm sending you many good thoughts and wishes. You can be happy again while still honoring your special boys memory. Don't feel like it has to be one or the other.

My deepest sympathy,
T.

D.,

send me a message if you want to talk.

T.

PS, I know how you feel. It is better to recognize than pretend it didn't happen. Are you journaling?

Hello D. -
I must say that I am extremely saddened to hear of the loss of your son. Your strength is the key factor in the healing that your family will endure over time. You're doing a wonderful job as a SAHM with your two lovely girls and a wonderful supporting wife. If you live in or near the Hillsboro area, I would love to get together with you. Plan a playdate and time to chat. I do have an excellent ear for listening and shoulder to cry on. Please feel free to contact me at any time.
In Him.

I am sorry you are hurting. I do not know what to say. I have not lost a child; but I have a 4 year old and an 18 month old and the thought of anything happening to them horrifies me. We almost lost our youngest when he was born. He had pulmonary and peripheral edema. He was on life support within 24 hours of being born, and was in NICU for 3 weeks. It was the most painful and scary time of my life. I can't even begin to image what it would have felt like to lose him. It broke my heart to read your post. I will not pretend to know what u are going through, but I will keep you in my thoughts. Please feel free to send me a message any time.

There is a support group for parents who've lost children to death. It's called Compassionate Friends. I don't have time to look it up but I will do that for you later.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my son 7 years ago. He was born early and did not make it. The pain never goes away, but I was thankful to find a wonderful group of ladies online that have been my support through everything. I found them on msn.com on a mommy of angels site. The have been wonderful. Sometimes we just need to talk to others that have been there. If you need to talk I am always around.

D.

Hi D.! I am glad you spoke up, it's hard to admit we are sad and lonely. I wanted to invite you to a mom's group I am helping with at my church. We begin this morning (Oct. 1st), and we will be meeting every Wednesday morning to support, encourage, and hang out with each other. There will be childcare for $2/child per time. It is from 9:30-11:30. And we will also share a yummy breakfast together. It will be at Compass Church in downtown Vancouver. 1812 Main St. Please message me back with any questions. May the Lord bless you and keep you today....tomorrow is a new day:-)

I too lost a child suddenly and he would also be 4 years old right now. There are so many things that come with losing a child, the fear that you will lose another one, the guilt that there was nothing you could to do to save him, the estrangement as everyone around treats you carefully and never looks you in the eye and never says anything about your loss in fear of making you somehow worse than you already are, and the wrath that people suggested his death was somehow supposed to happen and therefore it was ok that he died, and words like "fate" and "god's will" were the worst that anyone could say to me. My husband wanted to help but had to work all the time to keep us financially afloat and I just sort of drifted away from everyone. I only recently started NOT feeling like I was just a shadow of a person walking around, my son's death had left me feeling like I was a shattered sheet of glass, beyond repair and hurting everyone I touched. And even though all I wanted to do was retreat from everyone I was also incredibly lonely and felt like no one understood what I had gone through and how badly I was hurting and therefore I didn't WANT to talk to anyone. But I did do something that was really hard, I joined a group called M.O.M.S., Moms Offering Moms Support, that was held at New Heights Church in Vancouver, WA but was just a support group-there was no religion pushed or enforced or even mentioned. You can bring other children to be cared for by licensed caregivers while you talk to other moms and have adult time. I didn't have a car or money to pay for this and someone came and picked me and my kids up (we live in Portland, OR) and took me home and it was absolutely free. This group saved my life, and they saved my family too. I, slowly, hesitantly, began to make friends and not feel so alone. I began to put my pieces of "glass" back together but this time with metal in between the pieces so that I became a stained glass window, obviously fractured but put together stronger and more able to handle life's difficulties. I began to accept that I had to keep on living and that even though I think of him everyday, it doesn't hurt as much because I have other kids that ARE living and needed me to be their mommy, too, and I had friends who care for me, and a husband who loves me. The death of a child is the hardest thing any parent can face, but you have faced it and are still here. I would advise you to find any kind of group that is close to you and start going. www.newheights.org has info on their meeting times but if you aren't comfortable with a church maybe something else will help. Please know that you are not alone, even though you feel like it. I was totally devastated by losing my son, Rowan, and I still cry on his birthday and wish he was at every family event and mourn that he will never grow old like his siblings. But even though I doubted it was even possible, now I also know I am not alone anymore, that others can and are willing to help too. My heart goes out to you, hang in there.

Hello, D.,

There is a wonderful organization that can provide help for you, Compassionate Friends. Even if you have been in contact with them before, please get in touch with them again. Their phone number is 1-877-969-0010, and they have a web site at www.compassionatefriends.org. On the web site, go to "chapter locator" and then click on "enter here" after the section on "local chapters." I never know who lives where on these Mamasource notes, but if you write me back, I will find your chapter.

Blessings and best wishes. A.

I'd agree with Marda - look for a support group. And try to find time to talk with your husband, even though he works so much. That's what he's there for - he's your partner! I'm so sorry for your loss. Try to go for walks with your kids outside, take them to the library, try to stay as busy as you can... If you have the resources, try counseling if you haven't. I'm thinking of you!

D. - I'm not sure what to say. I cried just reading about your son. I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain. I'm thinking of you and hope that in this little act, you feel some support and love.

Hi D.,

Please know how sorry I am for the loss of your beautiful little boy. Grief is a powerful beast.... I have a good friend who lost one of her twin baby girls in infancy and she still mourns her to this day. I think it's important to allow yourself to remember your son. I think many people expect you to "move on", you may even be feeling guilty because you can't. Your life changed forever the day your baby died and it may take a long time to learn to live in this new life. I think it's important to seek out support and don't be afraid to tell people about your son. I'm not sure how your husband is handling this, maybe he's working so much to "get away". Then again, he may be working his fanny off so that you can stay at home. Good luck and blessings to you. Lean on this support system of good caring mommas.

A.

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine losing one of my children. I would suggest you find a grief support group. I think it would help you immensely to talk with people who are experiencing the same thing you are.

Hi, My name is P.. I hope to never know some of the feelings that you are dealing with, but I totally understand feeling trapped and alone with no one to talk to and a husband who loves you, but is busy working to support us and does not really understand. My saving Grace was MOPS and MOMS Club. MOPS is Christian based. They are located at churches all over the place. Your kids go into a program for 2 hours while you get some adult time with other moms. Moms Club International is a group of stay at home moms. There are groups all over (hopefully near you). I live in Beaverton, OR and we have a North and South Beaverton Group. Once a month there is a meeting. Every week there are play dates and get togethers with other moms for coffee, at the park with kids, apple picking etc. Please consider looking into these groups. When my children were young I only had MOPS and did not know about Moms Club. I so looked forward to the 2 times a month I got dressed up, put on makeup and had adult converstaion. I still remember the day I saw 2 moms at Target with the children shopping together. I left the store crying because I needed what they had! Moms Club has more outside activities for mosm with kids during the week and even Moms Nights Out! I wish I knew about it then. Please, Please look into them. Thinking of you, P.

Dearest D.~

When my boy was 6 years old his appendix ruptured and I almost lost him. Even now when I look back to that time my heart wrenches and I am tearified all over again. I can not possibily understand how you feel... your pain, sorrow and heartach is unfathomable to me, but I do know that talking about it helps... Would you mind telling me about your son?

A.
____@____.com

I just wanted to say that your story touched me, and you have strangers out here hoping for healing and joy and remembrance for you. I will be sending you and your family warm thoughts. All the best to you as you continue through this process, and don't be afraid to ask for help, even of the therapist kind.

Warmly,
L.

My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine what you are going through and I'll pray that each day will be a little easier than the last. And I'm sure that your precious girls and hubby remind you of the gifts you do have. I don't know if you'd be interested, but I believe that learning more about God would help, even if you're mad at him or hate him at this time. You'd get a new understanding and light into what He's all about. I'm a Disciple/Christian and would like to invite you to a Bible Talk in West Portland near Bethany on Thursday at 7pm or Sunday we have service (Portland Church of Christ) at 10am. If you are interested I'll give you more details. May healing take over your soul. Your new friend, D. Bogart