Please Help My Mom....

Hi G., I actually work for Hospice in the bereavement department and have many different kinds of literature for your mom as well as the kids. Let me know where I can send these to. I'm sorry to hear about your dad and if your mom needs someone to talk to we also have counselors on hand as well.

Blessings to you and your family during this time of loss.

K.

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First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. Hang in there and be the best support you can for your mom.
I know a couple of titles of books for children. You might be able to find these at Borders or Barnes & Noble but I know they are at Amazon.com The titles are: I Miss You: A First Look at Death, Gentle Willow: A Story for Children About Dying. These are books my school actually recommends to families that have a death.
I do not have any titles for books for your mom that I can give you right now, but visit Amazon.com and they have a ton of books. Often the big book stores do not carry a lot of books about death and dying because, as I was told, there is not a high enough need for them! Go figure. Amazon ships REALLY quickly and you usually have the book within a couple of days.
Again, I'm sorry your family is having to deal with this. Good luck and take care.

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G.,

I'm very sorry to hear that your dad passed away. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I know that Providence Hospital has grief support groups and couseling that I'm pretty sure are free or at a very low cost. Unfortunately, I don't know of any books. Maybe, if and when you felt up to it, you could make little memory books for your nephews, your daughters and yourself. Maybe put together some photo albums or scrap book? For me it would be good therapy to get lost in the memories.

Life is such a precious thing and so delicate. Just be there for your mom, make sure she's eating, getting rest and taking care of herself. Grief is so hard on our hearts and bodies. We often forget to take care of them while we're just trying to meet everyday without our loved one.

Please don't forget about your needs and ask for help if you need something. Friends, family and neighbors can do amazing things if they know what things need to be done.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. If you need anything you can e-mail me at ____@____.com our other emails I'm sure we live pretty close. I know I'm a stranger but I'm here if you need.

K. and Little Abby.

We do not remember days. We remember moments. - Cesare Pavese

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I don't have any idea about helping mom live alone or keep a house but Dr. Deepak Chopra wrote a great book last year titled, "Life After Death". It appears to be a great book for those facing loss of a loved one.

Here's a link to the book if you are interested
http://store.chopra.com/productinfo.asp?item=443&dept...

Good Luck,
C.

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I found this book helpful to my daughter when we had a loss in the family. It also helped my mom to read it to her.

"Let's talk about Heaven" by Debby Anderson

She was my daughter's kindergarden teacher and has many wonderful books published. You can find them on Amazon and at local stores. I bought mine at Branches in Vancouver.

So sorry for your family's loss. My prayers are with you.

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G.;

I lost my husband over a year ago and I can tell you that for all the books that were sent my way, not even one was opened. After your husband passes you are paralyzed and reading books are the very last thing on your mind. She will experience an immense sense of shock, followed by a pattern of mourning that will be unique to her own experience. She is going to need help with meals, home care, yard care, grocery shopping, and everything else that constitutes everyday life. Furthermore, and even more importantly, is her health. She is most likely in shock and a wreck and should be seen immediately by her primary care physician to help her through this horrible transition she's being forced into. Her blood pressure, oxygen saturation and pulse should be watched closely as she emotionally works through the months ahead. You will most likely observe a lot of sleeping on her part. Her body will simply check out when she's had enough. Depending upon her age, and simply by virtue of the fact that she will now be living alone, I would suggest that she is kept in touch with daily and that someone stops in daily.

As far as books for the children...there are so many great ones out there. My husband passed at Evergreen Hospice in Kirkland and I would suggest giving the a call for a list of books, as I'm sure there are many more now than there were 14-15 months ago.

My condolences and please do not hesitate to contact me directly if you have any other questions or concerns.

D. P.

39 y.o. mother of four, ranging in age from 5-20. The books we purchased through the Hospice and through Barnes & Noble were helpful not just for the younger children, but it was also very helpful for my older children to read to the younger kids and answer all their questions afger reading the book.

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I highly recommend that you look in to the Grief Recovery Outreach Workshops program, I think it could really help you and your mom: http://grow.sitesvp.com/. She is on this site as well, you can find her under Local Business Reviews.

Hope this helps.
L.

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I am a mother of two boys 8 and 10. We lost my husband in 3 months last year to aggressive cancer. Some books that were very helpful are "A Journey through Grief" by Kenneth Haugk(this is a 3 part series). Your local hospice can recommend many good books that help families deal with loss of a loved one regardless of the illness. Elf-help books can be found at many christian book stores and are very good for young children. They can also recommend others at the book store.

God bless you and your family. You are in our prayers. L.

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Dear G.:

So sorry to hear about your loss, of you Dad. I know of a great book I used with my daughter, when one of our animals died. The Fall of Freddie the Leaf, by Leo Bascaglia. It is written for children and really helps them understand the process. I would also recommend contacting the Dougy Center, which offers support to grieving families. Sorry but I do not know of any books for spouses. I wish you the best in this hard time.

D.

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G.,

I'm sorry for your loss. This is a hard experience for anyone.
The book I would suggest is "Love you for Ever". It will help your kids, and your entire family. My grandmother bought it for my family when my granddad passed away.

God Bless you and your family, Becki

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I'm so sorry for the loss in your family. I don't have a book handy myself, but a way to help would to be check your local library or check Amazon.com. They have used/new books and in every category. You might be able to find what you are looking for there. Again, you have my condolences. God bless you and your family during this time. ~B.

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G.,

I am so sorry to hear of your dad's sudden passing. I know the pain and anger that you are going through right now and it's not easy. I too lost my faher very suddenly a few years ago. It's very hard.

A few books your sister can read to her children are "I miss you" by Pat Thomas and "What's Heaven" by Maria Shriver. They are both good books dealing with death for children.

I hope you and your mom and family find peace and comfort. You will have good days and bad days. Just stay strong and know that over time, it'll get easier to swallow your grief and pain. Losing someone so dear to you is very hard. Keep his memory close in your heart and be there for your mom. I know it'll be especially hard with Father's day coming up too. That's always a hard time for me. Just start a new family tradition this fathers day and make it a special day to honor your father and his memory.

Take care,
N.

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Tear Soup is a good book for adults and children. It is available through Amazon.
My friend bought it for me after my son died...her husband had died a few months before and she found it helpful.
When I got it, it appeared to be a book for a child, but as I continued to read it, I cried...but I have read it time and time again.
If I think of any other books I will email the titles to you.
This was all I could think of at this moment...
God bless you and your family. I will keep you in my prayers.
Sincerely,
D.

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I really feel for you at this time. Three years ago, we lost a beloved step-father (my husband's), and he was the best Papa! My mother-in-law (also wonderful) tried hard to be strong through it all...but she is still grieving.

I can't say I know about what books to buy. I love books for most situations, but what I've found with this is that my kids needed to be told the truth, first of all. And then they needed to feel it was okay to talk about him as much as they wanted. Even now, my kids talk about him, look at pictures of him, and recall goofy things he did and how nice he was. And my m-i-l, whose own kids seem really uncomfortable talking about him, knows she can talk about him with me. I don't ever tell her to stop, or "get over it," for I know how much she loved him. She is only now really starting to move on emotionally, but I'm not sure she would if she couldn't talk about him.

I guess what I'm saying is just be open to listening, and be honest with how you feel, too. The more he can be remembered and loved and talked about, the more the grieving process can occur naturally.

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My sincerest condolences for you loss.

I do not have any books for you but I am happy to see you want to help keep your mom in her home. Independance is so important. Getting intouch with your local caregiver support program will help alot with the resources available. You are classified as a caregiver so you will be able to access these services. There is volunteer help for some of the household duties in most places. Also, you could look at the budget to see if there is money to put aside for such things. My grandmother (only living elder) loves to hire young moms and dads to do her housework. We've even considered doing a mentorship for her garden, little hands can do the hard work and glean from her many years wisdom. It makes her feel good to give young parents work, even if it is only once every couple of weeks. I go visit when I can and change lightbulbs, clean and dust those hard to reach places like behind the oven. She has had to downsize in the last couple of years but she still maintains a small garden. I also take gifts, when I visit, for her neighbors who are so good to her and check on her every day.
There are so many options available to you. Just know that you can have time to grieve and love. There will be help and answers when you need it.

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Hi G.,

I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be so difficult to be mourning yourself and be worried about your mom and the rest of your family. A great book for your mom to read is called Tear Soup. It's about loss and everyone's grief process being different. For the boys, a great book is Lifetimes. I was a school counselor for 10 years at an elementary school and these were both my favorites for helping people through their grief. I'll be thinking about you and your family.

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I offer my heartfelt condolences on your loss. You are all now beginning on a journey that will lead you through many places, filled with tears and laughter both. Don't try to think about making big changes right away,all of you children, grandchildren and especially your mother have to re-fit yourselfs into your life again with a new/altered identity. If there is a hospice program in your area, contact them. They will often have grief support groups, perhaps some counseling available, a library of helpful books. The loss of a loved one is a huge event in your life, and the journey through grief is a remarkable process. there is no right or wrong way to grieve, books and counseling can be very helpful for understanding that all of your responses are normal. Learn about the physical symptoms of grief, check in with each other often; there are great resources available. Talk about your dad, tell stories, share remembrences, especially with the grandchildren. Honor who he was in your lives. Blessings and prayers to you
L. H

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My condolences on your loss.

I think they should go to the funeral because funerals help people cope with the death of a loved one. It brings closure. Plus, eventually they will be learning to live with life and death. It's a great time to share your religious beliefs about God, heaven - it's these events that make your faith and theirs stronger. I'm an Orthodox Christian (the original 2000 year old faith aka Greek or Russian Orthodox). We have open casket funerals and children are present as well, because in our faith, death is part of life. But it's never hopeless. We make it clear the person is with God, God is merciful, and loves mankind, and heaven is a beautiful loving place.

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Hospice has a GREAT bereivement (sp?) counseling group. I don't believe the family has to be involved with hospice to be a part of it. It's for family members to help cope with things. My mom attended the meetings after my dad died 8 years ago and swears by them. I have also had other people tell me that they were a world of help to them. If nothing else, it's a place to know that you're not the only one going through loss.
Maybe you and your mom could go together? If he was the only dad you knew, it's no different than losing your biological dad.
My prayers are with you.

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I am so sorry for your loss, my prayers are with you.

Last night on the radio(the kim iverson show on 105.1 the buzz), I heard a lady speaking about a book that she has written called widows wear stilletos. She is a widow herself and talks about how she has dealt with moving on I think. The book is not out yet but there are CD's available with the same information she also has a website(http://www.widowswearstilettos.com/) not sure if this is appropriate for your mom but it immediately popped to mind. The author Carole was really fun to listen to on the radio and made an impact on me in a short time- I don't normally listen to that type of thing on the radio or that channel.
Take Care, J.

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My family and I moved recently into a neighborhood of older people. Many have husbands or wives that have passed away or will soon.
Neighbor #1-
This is what I have noticed. Once a week on Sunday the adult children come and do chores. Her grandaughter visits twice a week after school.

Neighbor #2-
Wife passed away two months ago. Wheelchair bound for 10 years. Has a daily and weekend in-home caregiver. Yard care done by a local service.

Neighbor #3- Husband is ill and cannot do the work. Local service comes to do yard work. Neighbor kid comes over to fix things as needed.

Neighbor #4- Elderly couple has neighbor kid mow the lawn and maintenance of the house.

I feel very strong about community because the house we bought had an elderly man who was taken into custody because he was ill and not taken care of. He was a hermit and the house was in major dissaray. He had two adult children who never visited and didn't setup any type of yard care, house cleaning,etc... It was a sad situation and finally the neighbors were able to get him help. If you and your sister can afford or possibly your mother. Please setup her up to be taken care of. If you cannot do things hire people who can. Neighbors and local services are a good resource. It is important to let older people be happy where they live. I know if my children moved me out of my home that I loved so dearly and was comfortable, it would break my heart. I wish you the best.

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G., I am sorry for your loss. I am very close to my step-dad and hate the word "step"-I call him dad. I don't think books for your Mom is going to help her at this point. She is in shock, she might be numb, and if you give her a book at this point, she may not remember reading it. She just needs your support, phone calls, seeing her (if she lives close by), seeing the grandkids. She will want people around her.

She will need your help making arrangements and getting things organized. Don't worry about the house right now, just take one day at a time. Don't suggest her moving out of the house, she will eventually make these decisions on her own without being pressured. Now is not the time.

My brother was killed in a car accident 3 years ago, he was 24 years old. We talk about the first 2 weeks of that, and she told me it helped having people around her. She told me she doesn't really remember much else, just people. My dad told me the same thing. My mom used to shy away from people who suddenly had a family member (spouse, child, parent) die. She is now one of the first people at thier door, with food and a shoulder to cry on. She also tries to help them figure out funeral arrangements and makes suggestions, as a friend.

As for Children's Books, I know Maria Shriver wrote a book about loved ones that have died and where do they go. It's called "Whats Heaven". She wrote it after her Grandmother Rose Kennedy died and her children were questioning what was happening. I looked on Amazon.com for the book and saw several others with the same topic.

I am sorry for your loss, and my prayers go out to you and your family at this time.

H.

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I have zero advice. But, I will be praying for you and your mom and family. this is a terrible thing to go through, I know. Be strong when you need to be... but don't be afraid to be weak too.

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So sorry for your loss. When my dad passed away a few years ago, the local hospice was the best thing ever for our whole family. I recommend contacting them for support. Hospice is a wonderful organization.

My mom had a great book but I can't remember the name of it! Sorry! If I can get a hold of her I'll find out what it was. For my daughter, we got some books from hospice--a great one that she really liked was by Marc Brown (author of "Arthur" stories). Hospice also gave her a special velvet heart, that was "grandpa's heart" that she still keeps with her things.

Your nephews will probably understand more than you know, but will interpret and process it in their own way. I believe the most important thing is to talk openly about your dad, his life and his death. It will help you all heal.

Thoughts and prayers to you and your family at this difficult time.

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I am sorry for your loss, I don't know of any books to help your mom, but as far as children's books go, there is a berenstein (spelling?) bears book about losing someone close. Also, I don't know how religious your family is, but when my granpa died in March, my 5 year old daughter was especially close with him, and we told her that he went to live in heaven with God. It's the simplest way we could think of to explain to her why she wouldn't see my granpa anymore. I hope this helps.

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"Fall of Freddie the Leaf" is to help children with grief.
I would suggest not making sudden moves for your mom. Maybe you can hire some of the work your dad did for a few months a least.

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Here is a website for Barnes and Noble. If the site link doesn't work, just go to Barnes and Noble and type in grieving in the Seach box.

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/booksearch/results.asp?W...

With sympathy and best wishes,

K.

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I'll certainly put in prayers. I too was widowed. And from personal experience I can tell you that the best support you can give her is to allow her some alone time. As we grow, we prepare ourselves for the loss of a spouse. So the idea isn't necessarily "new" to us. And (for me), I got tired of people always trying to make up the "void". I certainly missed my husband,(and still do), but it's a lot of stress always trying to act a certain way that you think people are expecting you to act. I found more time to mourn and time to "find myself" again, when I was finally given the time to do so. As for maintaining the house, maybe the son in laws can help out. Or even you and your sister. (us women CAN DO amazing things) worse comes to worse, there's "handy men" out there for hire. At a reasonable price.

As for your nephews, and how to answer "where grandpa is", that's simple. They kind-of already know (believe it or not). If you "believe", then telling them that he's in a better place is always a good answer. Dieing is part of living. And explaining to them that people "come and go", is a very basic part of life. It's ok, to let them know that his presence still goes in our hearts and through our memories. A picture of grandpa that they can talk to now and again would also be a nice idea. What ever your sister does, she needs to address this as "a matter of fact", yet lovingly. No mixed messages. Believe me Kids understand more then you think.

God Bless you. And my sympathies for your loss.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Just be there for her. It is up to you children to keep up the house now, you will be inheriting it someday, so consider it an investment. Get your mom a nice little lap dog. That will give her companionship and a reason to go on each day, to take care of the puppy.
Blessings to you and your family.