Rude Three Year Old

Ah yes, the independent-world revolves around me age! This is probably going to seem like it will take forever but it won't. You might get frustrated to the point that you want to give up-DON'T!

When your son ask for a glass of water in his normal way, get down to his level, look him face to face and repeat what he wants the way you want him to say it (calmly and with manners). IE:may I have some water please? Ask him to say it back to you in the same way you just said it. When he does, give him the water and when you hand it to him tell him that now he says thank you. Keep doing this till he starts getting the hang of it. And do you and anyone else in the house needs to ask him and each other they same way! Don't look at you son and tell him to put his shoes on, ask him to put his shoes on and say please and thank you after he has done it. And if he did it really fast, praise him for it!! Now after he starts getting the hang of asking politely, he will slip from time to time. When he asks for something but doesn't say please remind him by saying What do we say? (give him some hints if he is stuck) Don't tell him to say please because by doing this you aren't letting him think about the steps he needs to do to get what he wants. And if he forgets to say Thank You, same thing, ask him what he should say. When you know he has this down pat, you can start ignoring him when he doesn't say Please till he does and don't give him his cup (have it in your hand ready to give to him though) till he says Thank You. Remember, you don’t always have to give him what he wants just because he said please either. If you don’t want him to have a new toy or a piece of candy, then thank him for using his manners, but give him simple explanation and a no.

As for being loud and interrupting, it's the same thing. Teach him the difference between and 'inside' voice and 'outside' voice. If he starts yelling in the house or store, remind him to use his inside voice. If he does good at a store, praise him after you get in the car on how happy/proud it made you that he didn't get loud while you did your shopping.

As for interrupting, same thing as manners. Pause your conversation, get down to his level and tell him he has to wait his turn to speak. Then finish your conversation or find a break in it so you can let him talk. When you are ready for him to talk, let him know you are happy he waited his turn. Remind him it is just like being at the park and he has to wait his turn to go on the slide. Same thing when mommy is talking to someone. When you are sure he gets the hang of it, ignore him when he comes up to you and interrupts, don't even look at him. And if he starts to throw a fit, ignore it too! And when people look at you like you need to do something, look at them with a big smile and tell them that he is learning how to use his manners! I have a rule of thumb I use with my daughter and kids I babysit when I'm talking to a person or on the phone.....It must be an emergency to interrupt me, someone must be broken, burning or bleeding!

I did see that you and your boyfriend have a stressed relationship, make sure you two don't yell and argue in front of your son, it will send him mixed messages about how to treat others.

I know this may seem like a lot but it's not. In simple terms, treat your son like you want him to treat you! Remember to let him know how happy you are when he uses his manners too!!!

Good luck!!
S.

S.

Do not give him anything unless he uses his manners. When my girls holler "I want juice" I look at them and say "I'm sorry, I don't understand. You'll have to ask another way." At first, you'll have to tell him specifically- "That's not how to ask for juice. The right way is to say 'Mommy, may I have some juice, please?'" Then wait until he says it. You don't have to be mean, just firm. If he cries, talk to him to calm him down and snuggle him, etc, just don't give in until he asks nicely. My girls know exactly what I'm expecting when I say "Try again," and they also know that they won't get what they want until they ask nicely. Any time they use manners, I tell them "good job using your manners" and "thanks for asking nicely." They're not perfect or anything, but they do use please and thank you.

When my kids interrupt, I ignore them. If they keep trying, I say "excuse me" to the person I'm talking to, then to my kids I say "we don't interrupt people while they are talking." Don't respond to what the child is saying, or he will continue to interrupt because he is getting what he wants (a response). This policy we use has back-fired a few times, though- my 4-year-old will lecture us whenever we interrupt her.

Children this age behave as they have seen behavior modeled by adults or older children. Behavior is learned therefore rude behavior is learned. First, you'll likely want to ask yourself where and from whom he learned this behavior and make sure that changes. Second, you will have to be sure to model polite behavior and positively reinforce the desirable behavior while having consistent logical consequences to follow the undesirable behavior. I'm a children's therapist and parenting coach and I work with this all the time successfully, so I'm not only coming from a mom's perspective although I've also had success with this with my own children... Take care and good luck!

L.,

You're right to be concerned. The most powerful role model in your son's life is his father. Children do what they see, not what they're told. So, I wonder how your son's dad treats you and others. Does your son's father boss you around, point, acts rude? That may be the source.

I'm a divorced single mom. My children came home from a weekend with their dad and they told me about some pretty outrageous behavior that their dad exhibited in front of them. I calmly called him and explained that he was very, very powerful in our girls' lives and that they will probably marry someone just like him. So, if he's okay with the girls bringing home boys who act like (and then I explained his behavior in a clinical way) he did then don't change a thing. But, if he doesn't, then he can make a change. I've learned that taking the role of building up my ex's self-esteem as much as I can is very helpful to our relationship and therefore our children.

Also, kids are smart and they see right through our little "secrets." Have you considered getting some professional help like a counselor to help you deal with your son's father and how to live with him? It might help.

There are behavior modifications you can try but in my opinion, unless you deal with the root of the problem (your relationship with his father) then anything else is probably just a band aid. I know this seems like bad news but the sooner you deal with this the better for everyone!

You son is lucky to have you!

I don't know if this is exactly the same, but my daughter (age 3) screeches or cries when she wants something. After letting this go on for a while I realize it is partly my fault. I do not make her calm herself and ask nicely. Now I just ask her to stop the whiny cry and to use her words to tell me what she wants. Since she is improving I think she will be better. I have to be careful to NOT reward her bad behaviour by getting her what she wants when she acts up. Usually she will calm down and ask me but it not, she has to go to her bedroom until she is mellow yellow. I hope you get some good advice from other moms. I know how frustrating it is!!! hang in there, L. :-)

Love and patience and some reprimanding... I know, your thinking 'I know this' but bear with it. Time will make the changes.

And do watch your own actions as some other mom's have mentioned. It is true that little ones like to copy those they see! If you make sure to set a good example it will help the transition go that much faster!

There are books about manners that you can find in either the library or a local bookstore. Check them out! THey might help! Best of luck! Jess

Toddlers and young children are very egocentric. They believe the world should revolve around them and their wants and needs. There's not a whole lot you can do. One thing you might try is ignoring him until he asks nicely. The first few times you do this, tell him that you will not grant his wish until he asks nicely. He will probably throw a fit, but as long as not getting what he wants will not hurt him, just ignore the tantrum. He will eventually understand that you mean what you say, and he will begin asking for something politely the first time. The thing is, you have to be really committed to ignoring him until he is polite. If you give in because he has a tantrum or just to get him to be quiet, this approach will not work. Good Luck!

L....Hon it is just the age,keep doing what you are doing and you will see in time that your actions will work. I have 3 grown sons 27,22 and 20 and a 4 year old daughter...My sons are respectful to me at all times..Now it was'nt always like this...in the early years they did as your son does, and then again when they became teens they had spells of being nasty...but all in all they are good kids...I along with my husband always demanded respect. I We gave them respect as well,which is very important. We allowed them to have opinions and they were allowed to express those,but always in a repectful way. It sounds as if you are a single mother,therefore I will tell you,the single mothers I know (those in my family) both have ver disrepectful sons....these boys at a very early age began cursing their mothers and continue to do so today....I am not sure how or when this happens,but never let your son cross the line,and should he,make the punishment severe (using whatever method youthink works) rather that be grounding,taking away his most cherished posession...whatever it takes for your son to understand that at no time will you take being disrepected..Well hope this helps,hang in there,being a Mother is a tough job..and actually it does'nt get a whle lot easier when they grow up,LOL...G.

I have 2 boys, 10 and 13 and I firmly believe that the best way to teach them is more by the way you respond to them. Offer more praise when he ISN'T being rude than trying to change him when he is being rude, express your disappointment in his BEHAVIOR while reassuring how much you love HIM. I know with my boys, praise for good behavior gets me a lot farther than trying to punish bad behavior. Good luck!!!

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