Request #2 - Help with the Typical 2 Year Old Tantrums.

you ignore the tantrum completely. walk away and never reward her for stopping the tantrum on her own. you can thank her, but don't give her special treats for that...you know why, it just creates a cycle.

my step son threw tantrums and snits but I just ignored it and he stopped very early on. my husband doesn't even remember him doing it, that's how quick we got him to stop.

when they slam their heads on the ground, they learn that hurts and they'll learn to stop it on their own.

this has worked for years and generations...you don't have to punish them, just ignore her when she throws a tantrum

IGNORE HER!!! That is the very best advice I ever got! She is getting what she wants from you when you react to her tantrums. Just ignore them, turn your back, walk out of the room, DO NOT TALK TO HER until she stops. When she stops, calmly say, now that you are finished with that "ugly" or "inappropriate" (or whatever term you want to use) Behavior I would love to listen to you tell me what the problem is....or help you with your needs...

I tell you ....IT WORKS!!!

Good Luck!

When this happen to me with my daughter at the grocery store, I walked to the end of the isle and around the corner, but to where I could still see her, and when she realized I wasn't "paying attention" to her, she stop, got up and walked very calmly to me.....

Hope that helps!

the trick to time out is it doesn't start until they are calm and quiet. the more they yell the longer they sit there. my 3 yr old is a terror but she knows when i put her in the corner its time out. over all with me i'll scold her, she will come running trying to soften mom up with a hug and kiss and i'll gently tell her no and put her away from me for a minute. it works for her, she calms down and of course is heartbroken because mom won't kiss her. once the behavior is ended i then give her a hug and a kiss and off she goes.

Hi J.

After reading other responses I have a different viewpoint on one issue. Previous advice mentions leaving the store when the little one starts a tantrum that you can't get a handle on. Most of the time I agree with this. I have definitely grabbed my purse and the out of control child and left the almost full cart in the middle of the store mumbling under my breath the whole way to the the car while others stared at the crazy woman. This taught me to follow some rules that have helped avoid the above mentioned unpleasant situation. One of the main things I access before entering the store with my two year old is whether or not he is in the mood to handle the situation. Is he well rested? Is he hungry? What has his day already been like? Has he been running around all day already and therefore in desperate need of down time? Is it really fair of me to ask him to be patient while I shop?

Asking these questions helped me learn when was the best time to run errands with him and about how many stops he was able make at one time. If it is too close to nap time with him, I can forget about it. If it is too late in the day he is not going to have too much patience. Timing with him is everything.

So what happens to us when I feel pretty confident about the timing and his ability to deal with the situation and yet a tantrum occurs anyways? I try to treat it like I would at home and let him have his tantrum. This is why. I believe that sometimes when he is being difficult it is simply because he doesn't want to be at the store. If I snatch him up when he starts having a fit then he believes that his throwing a fit will get mom to leave the store. But the truth is I need him to run errands with me at times and he has to learn to be patient while I get things done. He has to learn how to deal with the situation. I have had the lay down on the tummy in the middle of the store thing happen, the throw things at mom thing happen, the scream and cry like I am killing him thing happen. My response to these things are to try to distract him, ignore it or perhaps let him lay on the floor and cry until he realizes mom is not going to fold. (However, I try not to EVER let him out of the cart or stroller unless I have someone else with me to help monitor him and even then...)

Last thing - I try to plan ahead and set up the situation so that there is some element of fun involved. Like, yes I admit it, he gets to ride in the cool grocery cart at the store, or gets to partake of the famous cookie at Publix. Most of the time I try to have a special healthy snack or toy in my purse to reveal at just the right time. And sometimes I let him take a special something for a ride in the cart with him -- which is always left at the store because that it where it lives (Like a book or a ball) I somehow believe he sees this as compromise or give and take - Mom gets something but you do too.

Hope all of this helps. By the way, eventually you will get used to the strange looks for all of those judgmental people without two year olds to deal with. So leave when you can or try to plan ahead and ride it out. Every situation is different as you know so good luck -- To All of Us!

Time outs have always been really effective with my little girl. Usually when they have tantrums they need the time out any way.

Just pick a spot (away from trouble) that will be the time out area and if she plops down somewhere and starts screaming and tantruming, put her in that spot and tell her that it's time out until you come get her. She'll scream and cry in that spot, but at least she knows there's really nothing to argue about.

I also will send her to her room to cry. I let her know it's akay to cry, but she needs to do it in her room. That took a while to work, and we started that right when she turned about 18 months old, but it is so worth it!

As for the tantrums in the store. I'll put her in time out in the store, too. I might get looks from other customers, but at least my kid knows I'm the boss and tantrums will not get her anything. If the errand is not that important, we leave and I let her know we're leaving because she's throwing a fit.

Alot of times children throw fits because they want to get a response from you. My advice is to completely ignore it and when they stop throwing a tantrum on thier own, then give her the attention that she wanted. Every child is different and you will probably need to try many things before you find the right thing that works for you. You are doing the right thing by finding out all the things other moms do, and finding what is right for you. :)

I found the book "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" to be very helpful during the 2s, especially in dealing with tantrums.

I know they have it at most libraries in Sarasota.

http://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-Well-Behaved...

Tantrums...I notice you are a working mom so that means both your kids are in daycare right? I would go there first and find out how her behavior is there and how things are handled. I know working moms don't like to hear this but it's the truth...the daycare workers see her more than you do and they are the ones molding her behavior more than you are. Now, I say that because (I'm a behaviorist so bear with me) if 8 hours a day, 5 days a week anytime she wants something she is getting it, or she's able to just take things or her tantrums are handled a certian way or whatever it may be, then 1.) that's reinforcing behavior 2.) she's used to certain behavior and 3.) you absolutely need to know how it's being handled there. Don't take their word for it either. Often they will sugar coat things for parents so I'd try to have some time where you can observe her and the workers without them knowing you are there. The fact that they spend so much time with her means they are a significant influence on her behavior. You want to know what form that influence is taking.

OK, next thing. She's 2. Two year olds tantrum that's what they do. The reason for a tantrum is this...she wants something and you aren't giving it. Either attention, a toy, food, or more importantly, you don't speak her language. Again I go back to daycare. If they are using words that you don't use or hand signals etc...even inadvertantly that can cause her frustration as she tries to use the same set of expectations with you but you don't get it. (See where I'm going? Please know I'm not slamming you for being a working mom or anything...just trying to talk you through the behavior pattern.=) ) For example, say that in daycare they use the word "cup" for "sippee" and you don't know that. She is using a word that the daycare workers know to be "cup" but they haven't told you this (maybe they forgot to mention it or think you know) and so she's saying this to you but you don't know what she means and since she's two she's unable to be more expressive and BOOM there's your tantrum. So that's one area to look at.

Children in daycare are often on a schedule. Some children do very poorly with the lack of a schedule when it's absent. If she's dependent on knowing that 11 am is snack (because let's face it, most of her time is spent at the daycare not at home) and then the weekend comes and she can't count on the stability of the schedule anymore that can lead to frustration. If at the daycare she's being indulged because she's cute or a favorite child or it's a small place and generally she gets what she wants then she learns a little fussing gets reward. When something like that works, then when that stops working for whatever reason, the behavior escalates. (For example, you have a brand new car, and because the car always starts everytime you turn the key, that's your expectation :the reward for key turning is the engine comes on: but one day it does not start. You turn the key once and it doesn't start. You turn it again, still nothing. How long will it take you to begin turning the key over and over and then cursing and swearing in frustration?) So, you absolutely must know how her wants and needs are being tended to in daycare so you can either fall more into line and fulfill her expectations or get the daycare to fall into line with your expectations you know?

As to the tantrums themselves, there are many schools of thought on this and I'll just tell you what I did. I would tell my son "I know you are mad, but I don't want to see this so you can go to your room until you can be nice." And I'd put him in his room with the door open (washcloth placed over the top of the door or in the hinge space so he couldn't slam it and catch his fingers, and put a baby gate up in the doorway. This way he was not "cut off" from the world, he was given permission to feel what he was feeling, because let's face it, if she wants a cookie and you say no, you've pissed her off. That's legitimate. I see no benefit, and in fact long term harm in dismissing the emotions of children. So I acknowledged my son's emotion but at the same time let him know that while it was OK to be mad, I was still in chage and I didn't want to watch the tantrum. And so depositing him in his room worked. I only had to do it a few times and the tantrums stopped. HOWEVER, and this brings me back to daycare...if she does this there, and they give in then you have a much steeper climb. Giving in to a tantrum especially only every now and again (it's called variable reward scheduling) helps to set a behavior in concrete. So you really must find out what they do and insist that they handle things your way. Otherwise you will see more and more of these not less.

Other people cuddle children during a tantrum etc...but I see that as rewarding the bad behavior. I want to extinguish the bad behavior not reward it nor use aversives if I can help it. (Putting the child in her room would be an aversive though.) Alternately, if you can just ignore the tantrum, like stepping over her and not making eye contact etc...you can leave her where she falls. Any attempt to engage her when she's tantruming encourages the tantrums and in fact encourages them to be longer, stronger and more frequent. (Because it's a variable reward schedule.)

**Here's the ugly part of variable reinforcement. Let's say we have a 4 yr old that tantrums. I want the tantrums to stop. So I decide to take the ignore it path. (Extinction) But while I'm waiting for the behavior to extinguish the tantrums are going to continue and will probably get worse. If this 4 yr old can get me to give in just once...she has put herself on a variable reinforcement schedule. She now knows there is a magic threshold where I will break and she will get what she wants. She is going to work harder (tantrum more, louder, in embarrassing places) to get me to give in. If Heaven forbid I happen to give in a second time, the tantrums are sure to continue and only escalate.**

Finally, when she does it in public you MUST be prepared to just grab the kids and leave. I know that's hard. "But I need groceries!" Yeah I know...believe me. I lived it. My boys are 23 months apart. But trust me on this. If you say to her before you go in "I expect you to...(and be very concrete in your language don't just say Be good) sit in the cart nicely, not fuss, not cry and No screaming or we will leave." Then be prepared to back it up. You have to. Or otherwise she learns you can be bent to HER will and the tantrums will get worse. Arrange a sitter, or get off work one hour early to do your shopping or go in the middle of the night while they sleep. Figure out a way to just get the shopping done without them if you have to. The other part of this is to make sure you aren't going when she's tired or hungry or any of the things that will make her more likely to tantrum. And finally, I would be prepared with tiny rewards for all behavior that is not the behavior you are trying to eliminate. So if she is sitting there quietly, just hand her a sticker. If she asks why tell her "because you are sitting quietly so Mommy can get her shopping done." And then a few moments later another. (food works too although then you may start a pattern you don't want to later have to break.) But small rewards MUST be given in a pretty steady stream with 2 yr olds to get them to "get it" and in this way you might be able to actually finish your shopping BUT and this is VERY important...YOU MUST NEVER EVER EVER use bribery. "If you are good then you will get a Barbie" Bribery will always fail eventually and when it fails the results are spectacular. For example, you tell her "If you are good while I shop then you will get a Barbie." and then she's not good...now you have to say "No Barbie" and in fact we love to use threats like this with children. So now not only is she pissed that she can't have the pink cereal now you've take away her imagined Barbie. She will explode. Never do this. (Actually you can do this when she's older and has a concept of time and the ability to be patient. So the 16 yr old can get the "be good this week or you can't use my car on the weekend" but there will still be a tantrum =P)

I hope some of this helped. Please know I know what you are going through. These are sound behavior principles and will work but will take time. Do check to be sure she's not being "spoiled" at daycare though because that will only make your job harder. Also if you have another adult that spends a lot of time with her (husband, SO, parent whatever) make sure they don't give in because it's easier. Everyone in this child's world must give her consistant feedback and level expectations so that she knows what to expect of the world and the people in it and she can predict the behavior that is expected of her. At 2 she doesn't have a concept of right and wrong only "getting in trouble" really so we have to try to be fair to her too.

Good luck! These are hard times (having two littles that close together) but believe me you are paying the piper now, they will play together a lot. You'll be glad eventually, but it took me a long time to get to where I was glad. My youngest was about 4 before the boys consistantly played together and so you've got a ways to go and lots of challenges ahead. Additionally, the 1 yr old is watching all this go on and is learning how to behave. So keep that in mind!

*comfort to you Dear*
K.

We tried using the standard time out too. One minute per year of age. Didn't work. I think some kids are a little
more "strong willed" than others. So we ended up putting
our son in his room with the baby gate up. When he learned to get over the gate we put up 2 gates. And instead of using the standard one minute per year, we let him stay in there until he was calmed down... sometimes up to 30 minutes!! The whole point is that if he is going to behave that way, he can do it in the privacy of his own room because it is unacceptable to everyone else. I have to admit when we first started letting him sit til he was calm, we spent A LOT of time at home for the first 2 -3 days. Then somehow it sunk in to his thick little head that we mean business and that under NO circumsance will we allow him to behave like that - even if we were at the store, we would have to leave the cart and go sit in the car. If it didn't clear up in the car, we went home. I can tell you it truly sucks to leave 45 minutes worth of cart pushing and grocery finding to tote a screaming kid home. But if you are firm and do not give in a single time, your baby will get the point too. Right now, my oldest son is 3 1/2 and my second is 14 months with a third due in January. The truth of it all is, if you can keep it all together and be consistent, it will be worth it! If you are up on reading, you should try "Making the Terrible Two's Terrific" by John Rosemond. It's not long, and it has a lot of laughs, simple language, and a ton of parents Questions with Mr. Rosemond's Answers. It covers everything from bedtime to potty training. It's how I made it through with my first :) And it gives you a sense of humor so you don't lose your sanity trying to deal with little ones.
Best of luck to you! Jen