3 Year Old Constant Tantrums

Let him cry, but make him do it in private. Put him in his room and calmly tell him he may come out when he is finished crying. Do not engage him. If he comes out keep putting him back in. When he sees he is not getting attention for crying or getting his way he will probably stop.

it seems that your leniency has allowed him to get a lot farther than discipline would have. You don't need to give a child so much leeway just because he was 6 weeks premature - he's 3. So you love him of course, but he's not "a good kid" when it comes to behavior. He does whatever he wants to get you to bend his way. And somehow that's been working - at least enough that he finds it worth it to continue the tantrums.

So when he continues to wail and cry for 30 or 45 minutes, what are you doing during that time? Are you going in to discuss it, talk him out of it, ask him to stop? What is the definition of "time out"? Does he have to sit on a step or in a chair, and then you keep going back to make him stay there or put him back in if he gets up?

He's only doing this 6-10 times a day because he gets some sort of payoff for it. So the thing to do with a tantrum (or hitting or biting or anything else highly undesirable) is to completely separate yourself from the child when he does this. You put him in a pack & play or in a crib (if a child is young enough to not climb out) or in his room, and if you're out, you put him in a car seat where he is safe but restrained. Then you walk away and you do not engage. You say ONCE only "I will talk to you when you are done yelling" and you mean it. You don't explain it, discuss how you don't want him to throw himself on the floor or how it's not appropriate as a reaction, none of that. Immediate and unfailing ignoring. When he is done screaming, he can come out of his room/playpen/car seat. That is it.

Premature kids, disabled kids, autistic kids, all kids need firm discipline. He wants YOU - he wants your attention, he wants to get his own way. He's getting that because you are giving in - something about the anger and screaming bothers you so much that you give in to him. You have this idea that somehow he needs to be catered to because he was premature 3 years ago. That "excuse" should not have been in play at all for anything other than immediate feeding need or other basic physical need in the early months.

Walk away from him, don't engage him, don't stress out about it. You are giving in because you are supposed to avoid stress at 16 weeks pregnant? It's much harder and more stressful to do it the way you are doing it. Put ear plugs in and turn the tv up if you have to.

He doesn't do this with anyone else because he's not as invested in them. And most people don't ask a child to stop crying. If he's not hurt, his crying is emotional and he will stop doing it when he stops getting a pay off for it.

He's 3. He's not a preemie anymore.

I dated a guy whose son was neglected when he was 2 by his ex wife. This little boy was 9 years old and the BIGGEST BRAT I'd ever met because his grandparents and father considered him to be broken, damaged goods due to the neglect 7 years prior. It was utter nonsense He was treated as helpless, so he acted like he was. He always behaved well for me because he knew that I refused to believe that anything was wrong with him.

You need to get out of the mindset that there is something wrong with your son. There isn't. He needs consistency, he needs discipline, he needs love. He doesn't need a label and he doesn't need his mom to use the fact that he was 6 weeks premature 3 years ago as an excuse not to parent him with loving discipline. This isn't about him or his behavior, mama....it's about you and your choices. Choose to do differently.

Sounds like he could use some time in a Mother's Day Out Program or something where he's apart from you for a few hours a week.

He knows how to push your buttons.

Are you consistent with any discipline?

My daughter had a knock down drawn out tantrum about 2.5 in the grocery store. I was humiliated by her actions. I took her in stride, rolled my cart to the manager ( they knew me) and said please hold my cart a couple of hours.

I left the store with her, embarrassed her because her tantrum got her no where. I went home. When hubby got home I went back to get my cart.

She never did that again because she knew with no doubt I'd walk out then and there with her.

She's 20 now and still knows I will do what I say I will do.

You have to do something dramatic to get his attention... Be consistent , have no apologies and follow through. Once he learns he can't manipulate you... You will be ok.

Best wishes!!

I've recently been trying to give consequences that fit the crime, and it seems to be working really well. I wonder if you could ignore the tantrum and let him cry it out for as long as it takes. Then, the next time he asks for something or wants to go somewhere, say, "We can't do that because of the way you chose to act when I asked you to do something." I've found that it's better not to threaten the consequence, rather, catch him off guard by refusing when he needs you to do something for him. It might take many, many times before you see a change, but always stick with it! With my daughter, who is now 10, I realized that I was trying to do too much for her and talk way too much with her during her tantrums. Let the consequences do the talking. Kids who thrive on tantrums thrive on the attention they get from them, even if it's negative. Sometimes tantrums can stem from wanting Mommy to do everything for them, but also wanting to be independent at the same time. It may not be your case, but it certainly was true with my kids. Strong-willed kids are so very difficult to raise, but that strength will really benefit them when they're grown! I wish you all the best. I hope you're encouraged by all the responses. We moms really need it!!

If he doesn't do it with anyone else, and he stops for everyone else, then he's obviously doing it to gain your attention. Therefore, if you don't give the tantrums attention, they will stop. So the tactic you should use is ignoring them.

I agree. If he doesn't do it with others, he is playing you. Just walk away.

Hi K.,

This is a challenging age and stage but if you don't get this checked NOW imagine how bad it will be when he's trying to get attention from you while you're adapting to a newborn in the house.

You are the adult, you set the tone. My response was always "when you can talk to me calmly and tell me what you need I will pay attention to you." and then walk straight away. never ever reward bad behavior. ignore it and be absolutely consistent in ignoring it and he'll learn quickly enough that this is not the way to get mom's attention and/or to get his way.

apologies if my tone is somewhat callous....i'm just looking in your crystal ball, so to speak, and am concerned about what i'm seeing for you both.

best of all to you and yours. S.

Maybe other people "tell" him rather than "ask" him. He's three - he shouldn't be "asked" to pick up his toys, like he has a choice; he should be told what to do with authority. He may not feel security with you because you are not an authority figure. Kids need and love authority - it makes them feel secure.

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Have you contacted your ped about the tantrums and meltdowns? Sometimes it's a testing stage but what's would concern me is the way he's tantruming and how long is goes on for and how many are like that. That's not normal for it to happen all the time. Tantrums are part of testing, being upset etc, but they shouldn't ladt for long periods of time a kid should eventually stop if iphed not getting attention etc. There could be a bigger root to the problem, it could be something medically, that he's not able to control himself or just something else is going on, or how you are behaving interacting and engaging as a parent, or he could be very overtired, how much sleep does he get and naps? Talk to your Ped to make sure it's nothing medically and start disengaging from him when he's having a horrible tantrum, if it's a mild tantrum be there with him as long as he's not hurting anyone and try to comfort him through it but don't talk, scream. If it's really bad I would just walk away until he's able to come and calm down. Then after talk to him about it

Updated

And being preemie doesn't mean anything after he's one! My kid was preemie, and my doctor said most preemies catch up and u don't need to refer to him as preemie anymore. My kid was born preemie, in NICU etc. And today he's a thriving 6 year old. He was a thriving 1 year old as well. So maybe try not to use the label anymore

Couple of thoughts.

I had one child (oldest) who had tantrums. Not to that extent, but still ..

I used to leave the room. I didn't even say anything other than "well, I don't feel like sitting here listening to this..." and up I'd get and go to the next room. At that age, they are fine .. I'd still check in out of the corner of my eye (always could see him), but I did not give him attention - I took it away. I never got upset, or angry, or raised my voice.

Or I'd say "when you calm down, then mommy will want to spend time with you again, and then we can play a game.." or something like that.

It didn't take long. He would realize he was all alone in the room crying, and as soon as he looked around and saw no one was there, he'd look for me. If he came into my room and started up, I would just repeat "Oh I'd rather spend time with a quiet little boy and do something fun".

It worked like a charm for us. It was just a stage we went through here. It was around the time we had another baby. I'd scoop up the baby and take him with me and say "oh too loud ... we're going to go in this room where it's quieter. You can join us when you are ready to be quiet". And then I'd thank him for being quieter when he came in to join us. I'd give him a hug.

You may want to run it past your doctor, in case his distress could be caused by a medical problem.

Mine if they were overtired, over stimulated, or over hungry always were worse. So I used to think of it more as what can I do to bring him back to a happy place - snack, quiet down time, hugs, his blankie ...

If it's just you he's doing this for, I would say you need to change your approach on how you deal with it. Time outs never worked for me (I know they do for a lot of people) for me though, removing myself as audience and not even giving him any attention for the tantrum was far more effective.

Good luck - hope it's just a phase.

First, stop treating him differently because he was a preemie.

Second, ignore him, step over him, walk away. When he is calm, tell him to do whatever it was again, if he doesn't do it then give him a consequence.

Ignoring his bad behavior will be less stressful for you.