2 YEAR Old Throws Tanturms All the Time

I always found ignoring my daughter when she had tantrums worked best. I also found that tantrums were as much a sign of frustration at not being able to communicate as it was trying to get her own way.
Good luck! Stick with it and the tantrums will stop.

You cannot reason with a 2-year-old, especially one in the throes of a tantrum! The key is to "extinguish" the behavior by ignoring it, which is easy enough to do at home (leave the room), but many tantrums happen while at stores. In those cases, there are 2 things you can do--ignore the child (in the cart-seat) while at the grocery store check-out (where she's screaming for candy!) or pick her up and carry her out of the store/mall while she kicks and screams and get her into her carseat, then you can sit in the driver's seat and take slow, calming breaths.

This behavior cannot be given in to or tolerated, otherwise the tantrums will get worse (since she has gotten what she wanted from throwing them in the past...). Depending on how strong-willed your child is, it could take years to get beyond this (sorry), but you have to win every time (and not let anger overtake you). You are establishing yourself as the authority figure, which will serve you well as she gets older and as she moves into teenhood!

If possible, leave her with a sitter or join a baby-sitting co-op, and when you go shopping or out for lunch etc., you can let her know that she will not be going with you because her behavior is unaccaptable. Then you can try her out over time, taking her along, but first telling her what is expected of her behavior-wise. You can start a behavior-modification thing where she gets to choose one thing at the grocery store and if she doesn't cooperate, she loses even that one thing. (My third would then demand TWO or nothing! So--she got NOTHING!)

My first child (now 25) threw tantrums at stores when she wanted something, so I would tuck her under my arm and take her, kicking and screaming, out of the store. My second daughter (21) was compliant. My third (18) threw multiple tantrums every day for years--exhausting! EVERYthing was a control issue for her. Often the at-home tantrums would last for over an hour (she would get herself all worked up), so I learned to go into her room after a short while and hold onto her strongly while rocking her, and she would eventually calm down. She is still strong-willed and very intense but learned to control her temper/feelings over time.

I am still alive, and so are they--and the teen years have been mostly wonderful, because they grew up with boundaries and (somewhat grudgingly) allowed me to be the mom! At least with teens you can reason and let them know that rules have much to do with your love and worry. 2-year-olds couldn't care less about YOUR feelings--they are the center of their world.

:o)

Hi J.,
What I learned way back in child developement was they throw temper tantrums to get their anger out, it is totally normal and all kids do it no matter what anyone tells you. What I have found that works well is to basically ignore it when they are done then talk to them. Tell them that if they want something they simply just have to ask politly. They learn very quickly that they are not going to get what they want but doing it and that it's ok to be angry sometimes. Just be consistant, no matter what you do. If you teach them that they get what they want when they do it they will continue. Another thing I have never met a two year old that has reason, I don't think you get that till you are 30 or so...lol JK but I think sometimes it just frustrates them more when you try and stop them, depending on the childs personality. Hope this helps, and just be patient yours is not the only one that does it.
W.

I have read your responses and agree to try everything to keep your sanity and hers. I especially agree with the "hugs". I have a 2 year old also and lately have been giving him hugs while "laying down the law". He seems to respond to this. It's a win win situation because we both get love out of it! Most importantly keep in mind they grow out of this phase!!!
Good Luck!

I agree with ignoring the tantrum to try to get her way before the hugs and reasoning...you want to cater to and encourage the positive not the negative attitude. Trying to please the child while they are tantruming encourages the behavior of tantrums, letting the child know that this is the way to gain control over the authority figure and this is the way to get whatever is wanted at the time. Correction is not comfortable for the one being corrected, but it is very necessary for learning respect, cooperation, integrity, etc. etc. So ignore the tantrum, making sure the child is safe and what not (I place my strong willed 2 year old behind a baby gate as he lashes out at others in a tantrum swatting his hand at whatever is in reach, or in the high chair). I give him a minute or two to tantrum and then I hug him, cuddle him, and debrief with him as he is calming down and not fighting to get his way anymore...more willing to "reason" after that settling individual time. Plus, he knows then that DEMANDING his way with a tantrum does not mean he will get his way. Mom and Dad are the authority and DO have boundaries that will be followed for the best interest of everyone involved. After that cool down from the tantrum, we discuss those boundaries and why they are there as best we can on the 2 year old level while cuddling and hugging him. So he gets that special nurture and instruction time when he is compliant again. My older son is much more of a people pleaser personality, whereas my second son has needed a lot more direction in the way of obedience and cooperation. Best wishes to you!

I've read the responses that you've already gotten, and they are great. I totally agree that you do not want to reason with a toddler. Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way. My daughter was very verbally advanced for her age which made it seem as if she were capable of reasoning. She certainly thought she was! But the important thing here is to keep it simple. She doesn't get any attention for tantruming. Give her your full, loving, listening attention when she calms down and uses a nice voice.

If you need to put her in her room or playpen for a "time-out" and she just won't calm down, I discovered a trick that worked for me. Rather than just let them cry and scream for an hour, or just give up and take them out anyway, try coming in and telling them that you will hug them and slowly count to ten, and if they are quiet by the time you reach "10", then they can come out of the time-out. For some reason, this always worked for me. To stop a serious hiccuping screaming attack, you can also try getting the child to breathe with you. Sounds strange, but it works. Getting their breathing back on track can help stop a serious tantrum and bring it back from the point of no return!

I learned too late in my child rearing years that a hug cures many problems. My frustrations as well as theirs!

M. D

Without a doubt - ignore. Especially if it's a tantrum to get their own way, or because they are told no. I would be a little more understanding if my kids were having a tantrum because they were tired or hungry and frustrated, but, I didn't really consider that a tantrum. But, I always ignored a power struggle tantrum. 2 and 3 are fun years ;) - good luck!

I have to agree with Jen on this one. I was tested once by my son at the mall... I actually walked away (I could still see him, but he didn't know that!) once he decided that I wasn't going to play that game, he came running and saying, "I sorry, mommy!" and it never happened outside of the house again. Tantrums are normal, testing boundaries

I have a 2 1/2 year old girl who has been throwing tantrums for some time. She definitely melts down too much to reason with. I really like the idea of hugging her to calm her down and have a number of friends who have had success with that however Lydia only gets more angry when I do that. So, if that doesn't work, you aren't the only one. The thing that has been most successful for me and has really cut down the number and duration of tantrums is to immediately put her in her crib when I see a tantrum developing. I tell her very calmly that she can come out when she stops crying and when she is willing to be obedient. The first few times she was in there a very long time and was quite mad however after a few times she learned that I meant business. This method really helps because I am not there with her screaming in my ear, something that really frusterated me. At age two I think your daughter can understand this concept. Hope this helps!

Dear J.,

I have a 20 month old son who is going through the same thing. I try to ignore it, and sometimes he can go on for a while! and when I try to approach him he seems to get worse, he throws his body back and bangs his head on the wall!! I know what your going through, he just started doing this and it can be very frustrating for him and me. I find that he seems to do it more when he is tired. Sorry I don't have any working advice yet!!If you do let me know.

Jackie