Pushing

Here is a suggestion. After your son pushes the baby give your immediate attention to the baby, not Charlie. It is obvious he is doing this to get your attention. So, don't give it to him. Instead, after he pushes the baby give your immediate attention to the baby. Make a big deal about how the baby is and give him (the baby)lots of hugs and kisses. Then, after you have made a big fuss over the baby put Charlie in a time-out while giving him as little attention as possible. Of course you will want to give Charlie lots of positive attention when he is doing something good. Good luck!

J.-

I agree 100% with Sarah. He is looking for attention. Better for him to get it for good behavior than for bad. Make sure you are talking more to him and giving him more attention when he is acting good than when you are monitoring him during/after he's been bad.

In regard to the scenario:
Charlie :"I will knock Joey down and sit on him"
Me: "do not do that Charlie or you will get a timeout and Joey will be sad"
Charlie - knocks Joey down and sits on him, and get's a timeout.

How about:
Charlie: "I will knock Joey down and sit on him."
Mom: "That would make both Mommy and Joey sad. That's not how a good big brother acts. What are some ways that you can be a good big brother?"
And if no comments are forthcoming, maybe suggest a few - verbal encouragement from big brother in Joey's attempts to walk, singing a song for Joey while he tries to walk, etc - and maybe these are things Mommy can participate in too along with Charlie to make him feel like a "grownup" just like Mommy, and not like a baby like Joey.

I only have one child now, but I've read that it's best to address things to the older sibling from the older sibling's point of view. For example, don't say "Baby's eyes are so blue, aren't they pretty?" Rather say, "Baby's eyes are blue, just like yours!" Also, not, "Baby is trying to walk, leave him alone," but "Baby is trying to walk. You did that too once, when you were a baby. But you're a big brother now. Can you show him how a big brother walks?" Or whatever :-)

Good luck! :-) Two is a hard age, you'll get though it!
T.

Since it is for attention, times when Charlie is trying to get positive attention and the baby is there, try telling the baby "It is Charlie's turn now, you will have to wait." (the baby will have no idea what is going on and won't care, but Charlie will feel important.)

Hi J.,

It sounds like your son doesn't care if he gets a time out or loses a car, otherwise he'd stop.

Is there anything else he can lose like desserts or TV that he absolutely loves? We take away my kids most loved activity or toy and they don't get it back until the behavior stops for at least a week. They try to manipulate i.e. "but I haven't hit for three days, I won't, I promise!" but we don't budge. a whole week or whatever time frame you put out there so they know if it happens again you'll mean business. For me, it works every time. When I tell people my methods they look at me like I'm the meanest mom in the world but then in the next breath, marvel at how well behaved my kids are. We are a very close family and no, my kids don't hate me - they adore both of their strict parents and now that my son is older (8) he actually comes to me and chats about his hopes, fears and problems. I believe our strict discipline has built a very strong family bond among all of us. We have never spanked either. Hope this has helped.

So far everything said has been excellent. You know he is doing this for attention - completely normal and age appropriate. The other piece is that you know he knows it is wrong so it's really not about teaching him right from wrong, it's about learning to get needs met by making good choices.

While it's good you are taking to him about your feelings and the baby's feelings, I would also start talking to him ALOT about what he is feeling - even pointing out what characters in his favorite books are feeling. He needs to be able to start labelling, "I'm bored" etc.

Then start asking him what he needs. "Would you like me to help you find something else to do"? Try not to FIX everything for him - let him work it out.

This will take a while but is a life long skill (so often parents want to change a short term behavior with a short term solution - we need to be teaching life long skills - kind of one reason I'm not a huge fan of timeout).

In the meantime and for the safety of the baby... if he tells you he is going to push down the baby and sit on him (by the way, you will be telling this story when the kids are older :) ), IMMEDIATELY get him going on something else.

Charlie :"I will knock Joey down and sit on him"
You: "That's not a good choice - let's race cars instead!"

We have to set these kids up to succeed and often it's modeling instead of lectures that work best. Good luck!!

When he plays nicely with the baby do you praise him? I know with my little oldest it seems to work really well if we praise him (over the top at times) for playing nicely with his little brother. We also make sure that the oldest gets special time alone with us. This to me sounds like he is looking for attention.
You said "While this is kind of cute and funny, it concerns me!" Kids can pick up on how you respond to what they say even if you don't say anything. If you thought this was cute and funny than he probably picked up on that. Now is time to get your Mommy Mean face out anytime he even says anything like that.
Good Luck!

Hi J.,

I also like the responses posted, especially Ali's post about taking a toy away until the behavior has stopped for at least a week.

It seem like Charlie thinks that the loss of his cars are worth the enjoyment he gets from pushing Joey - or maybe the attention he gets from you afterwards. I would try taking away MORE toys he likes - and activities he enjoys doing - until the behavior stops for a consistant period of time you deem appropriate. Whether that be a couple days, a week, is your call. Before you take the toys away, TELL him that if he does it one more time the toys will be gone until he stops doing it permanently. Then stand by you word, and remove the toys after the first push. During the time when he doesn't have the toys, remind him why he doesn't have him and that he will have to NOT push, be aggressive, whatever, for a long time before the toys will be back.

You could also see about talking to him about the pushing during a time when he's not pushing or being punished. Maybe sometime when eating or before bed, or whenever. Just talk about it casually. Tell him Mommy doesn't push Daddy, Joey doesn't push Charlie, etc because it's not ok.

Good luck!

When my 4 year old is being naughty I tell her she is going to have to give me a toy for being naughty. That seems to work pretty well. Maybe you could tell your son "If you push Joey down you are going to have to give me a car."

Sounds like he wants attention and that he's testing you to see if you really follow through with your threats.

When he tells you he's going to knock the baby down, tell him that will make the baby sad, and you'll have a time out bit then distract him with a toy or take him into another room and have him do some sort of activity.