Pre-occupation with Grandpa Passing Away

Hi Wanda--I'm so sorry about your father-in-law and that your son is having a hard time. I think you should be really open about your FIL's death and allow your son to express himself as much as he needs to. My mother died when I was 16 (11 years before my daughter was born). I have always had pictures of her around and my daughter seemed very interested in them from about 15months old. She'd crawl over to the picture and just sit and talk to it. Then she'd even take her toys or food and try to give them to the picture. When she did these things, I never said anything except to ask her if she knew the lady in the picture and I'd tell her who it was. A few months ago, my daughter was crying uncontrollably one morning as I was getting her dressed. I asked what was wrong because I thought she was hurting. She screamed, "I want my grandma!!" I asked which one and she said grandma Lillie. I had to go into the bathroom alone and just sit and cry for a while because that's exactly the way I feel most days but she was able to express it for me that day. I make sure to include stories about my mother as much as possible, I share photos, we visit the cemetary and sing happy birthday her if it's her birthday. I also plan to have her write stories for the grandmother she never met and draw pictures for her as well. My daughter now tells very vivid stories about herself and Grandma Lillie and their wonderful adventures together which include eating popcorn and cheetos (things I don't allow her to have much but I'm sure my mother would have given her that stuff as much as she wanted) and going to Six Flags. I try to make my mother as real as possible but I always explain the reality of death as well. I feel that just because a person is gone, they should not be forgotten and I must pass on my mother's legacy. Why don't you and your son write a letter to grandpa and include anything your son wants to say even if it's just about his day at school. You can even put his name on it and write "Heaven" in the address for grandpa. Of course, I wouldn't go so far as to write a response from grandpa because your son still needs to understand that death is final and even though grandpa can't come back or respond to the letter, he loves and appreciates his grandson. Good luck and let me know how things go.

My mom passed away this past March and I have a 5 year old, 3 year old and a baby. We actually had a Child life Specialists come and talk to me and the boys (it was a service from Hospice)and she helped me a lot. She stated that at 3-4 and sometimes even 5 years old they think that they will come back. It is because of the developmental stage at that age. She told me to just continue to tell them that Mimi was gone and our belief is that she is in Heaven. She said that especially my 3 year old will continue to ask over and over because they are just "making sure" that she is still gone. She told me to be direct and to the point and blunt when asked questions for example my boys went to the viewing and they commented that she looked asleep. The Child Life Specialists told me not to let them think that, but to be blunt in saying that no she died and is in Heaven. Things like that, but it is normal for him to continue to ask over and over especially if something reminds him about his grandfather and it is perfectly normal for him to ask about if he will die or if you or dad will die. She told me to let them know that yes one day we will die, but that it will be a long time from now. I thought that was harsh and might make him scared, but it didn't. Kids actually think about death differently than adults. So my advice would be that make sure you are direct and consistent as to what you say. The CLS would come over and read books about death and would do crafts and games. When she would read the books then she would ask them questions about it and how they feel about Mimi and then when she would do crafts she would do things that would get them to thinking about things that Mimi liked like she brought a wooden cross for them to glue mosiac pieces in and then she would ask them what Mimi's favorite color was and then she asked them what message they might want to write on the back of the cross to Mimi and then we hung the cross in their room. That is just an example of something you could do. The following is a list of books that she read to them, they were all great. A Story for Hippo by Puttock and Bartlett, My Heart is Sad by Owens, Hugs on the Wind by Arnold and Pelzel. I am very sorry to hear about your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss. My grandfather passed away when I was 16, my baby sister was 3. She went through depression (my grandparents would babysit her during the day). My mother took her to therapy, and I think that helped a little. I would suggest counseling. No matter the age, the loss of a dear one takes time, I still think about my "pop" almost every day. I'm now 27 with a child of my own. Some people think that children won't be affected or not affected as much, but they can be affected even more. I would recommend someone that has the train of thought. Maybe a pastor might help?

My son is 4 1/2 and is preoccupied with death and dying, not sure why. No one has passed away in our family recently. My pediatrician did recommend this book about a leaf changing colors in seasons, called something like "Freddy the Leaf." Not exactly sure the name, but it talks about death in a positive way.

I am so sorry to hear that your little boy is having so much trouble. There is an organization in Plano called Journey of Hope; it is a grief support center for children. I reccommend that you contact this center; they will have some very valuable information for you that will help you help your son. They also provide support groups which would help him becuase he could learn from other children who are suffering the same heartache and confusion. Here is the website: http://www.johgriefsupport.org/index.htm

Good Luck!

Sorry to hear about your FIL passing. Mine passed Aug of 06 and my daughter was 3 1/2. We were open and honest with her and just told her that grandpa lives in heaven with Jesus andthat he loves her very much and misses her and that one day a long time from now we will see him again. We have taken her to the grave site and put flowers there and all. We picked out a star in the sky and told her that is Grandpa looking down on her from heaven. Every time we go out side she point out grandpas star. I dont know if this well help or not. You can try talking to his pedi. Mine had lots of advice. Good Luck