How Do I Explain Great Grandpa's Death?

My 4 year old lost his great grandma earlier this year. They were very close and it was unexpected so it was hard but this is what I did. I explained to him that she was very very old and very very sick and the doctors did everything they knew how and gave her every medicine they had but sometimes when you are very very old and very very sick it doesn't work and then you die. I explained to him about heaven but it is very abstract so I told him that heaven is right next to the moon so he would have an idea of how far away it is. Then to explain the funeral home I told him that before his great grandma went to heaven all of her friends came to say good bye first. Then when they took her to the graveyard her body went in the ground but she went to heaven. I think it's okay to show him that you are sad. We took my son to the funeral I would play it by ear and see how he handles it. My son even wanted to see the casket go in the ground. So any thing that I could do for him I did. I just was as honest as I could be. He was worried about grandma and grandpa getting sick and would they die. I told him that grandma and grandpa were healthy and that they were not very very old just a little old. I hope this helps.

Hi S.,

I'm sorry to hear that your grandfather's health is failing. Death is never easy to deal with.

I went through the same situation that you are facing last year with my own grandpa - he died on the same day my brother passed away 11 years ago. At the time, my twins (boy/girl) were 5 1/2 and they knew him even though we didn't see him and my grandma very often. When he passed away, we told them that he went to Heaven to be with Jesus and God and Uncle Jeff & my Dad. They seemed to understand. We all cried together - I think that was very healing. I told them I was crying because I would miss him, but I knew he would be in Heaven. I was told that having the kids at the funeral would be healing for them. My grandpa was someone they knew, but it wasn't tragic for them (like if it were me or my husband), so I've heard that if their first experience with death and a funeral can be with someone that they aren't too attached to, is a good thing for them to experience.

You know your child best and will know if it's right to have your son at the funeral when the time comes.

We visit the cemetary when we are in town and talk of all of our loved ones who have passed - that is the only way we keep them alive and with us. My brother passed away before I got married and had my kids, so they never knew my brother, but we tell stories, so I think they believe they knew him. My father passed away when my twins were 3 1/2 months old, so they have pictures of grandpa holding them when they were babies.

My heart goes out to you at this time and hope that you find comfort in your happy memories of your grandpa.

God Bless You!
C.

I am sorry that you are going to have to go through such a hard time. When the time comes, without a doubt, bringing your older child to at least the funeral home is a very good idea. Children need to say 'good-bye' just as we adults do. My 3 year old watched us bury his great-grandmothers within 2 months of each other less than 6 months ago. At the time, I explained to him that they were up with the angels and that we were saying good-bye and that we weren't going to see them anymore, etc., but he was able to make his own understanding by telling me that "Grandma is sleeping and she's not going to wake up." They really understand more than we give them credit for. Be prepared for questions for days, weeks, and months. Remind your son that it is okay to cry and miss his grandparent and that it is all part of the healing process and that what he is feeling is normal; it is what you are feeling, too. When my son sees pictures, he says things like, "Grandma is an angel now" or, "We can't see Grandma anymore, but she sees us from heaven". He will absorb what you tell him and take it in and remember it. My son saw me cry and it didn't scare him, he knew that I was sad and he offered to give me hugs and kisses to make me feel better. Best of luck to you!

Last year my 92 yr old grandmother had some massive strokes that left her on life support. It was not her wish to be maintained artificially so the family had to pull life support and up the pain meds to let her go peacefully to the Lord, her husband and parents and leave us behind for now. While it was very painful for me to see her in such a state, I did take my almost 5yr old to the hospital (he only peeked in one her once and then stayed out in the hall) and to the memorial service.
I think it's not bad to let him see you mourn, but explain that while you are extremely sad to be losing him, you are also glad that he is no longer going to be in pain and will be spending his time with the Lord now and all those relatives that have passed on before him.
I still talk to my grandmother, as I know she's watching over me, just as his grandparents would do if something happened to them. My son still asks me what would happen should I die. I've assured him that someone who loves him very much would care for him and that I'd see him again when his time to pass on came.

Hi S.!
I'm sorry to hear about your grandpa! The same thing happened to me with my grandpa about 2 years ago. My son was only 3 at the time, so he didn't go to the funeral, but we still had to tell him that mama was sad because she has lost someone she really loves and that she has had in her life forever. He did not go to the visitation or the funeral because he was doing ok with the great grandpa was in heaven and I knew I would be a wreck. A year and a half later we lost my grandma and that was harder because he was older and did get more concerned when I cried. My husband helped me out a lot! He knew that I wouldn't be able to talk much about it, so he helped talk to him when I couldn't. My son spent quite a bit of time with his great-grandparents, but we still didn't take him to the funeral. We did take him and my daughter (I was pregnant for my grandpa's death) to the visitation and let him see grandma. I am lucky though that I have a lot of family members on my husband's side that could watch both of my children. Do what is best for you. I knew that I wouldn't do well at the funeral and neither would anyone else like his own grandma, aunts, etc. and I didn't want it to scare him or bother him. Then both of my children came to the luncheon, so all the family could see them and it was a comfort to everyone to see them. He still had a lot of questions and still has a lot of questions about death and how great grandma and grandpa got to heaven and all of that. We are just honest with them and I may cry a little depending on how I'm feeling that day. He just gives me a hug and tells me he loves me. I hope I'm not rambling now. But do what you are comfortable with! God Bless you and your family during this difficult time!

I disagree with the others. I think that it is ok for your son to see you sad and even cry. It is a normal and natural reaction to losing a loved one! As for the funeral? I'm not sure...it all depends on the child and how sensitive he is. I would take my girls 4 and 2. It is also normal for him to be afraid that you or even himself might die...my 4 year old is dealing with this now...I just tell her that we won't die and until Jesus is ready for us and hopfully that will be a long time from now and that is good enough for her.
I am so sorry for the loss that you will experiance and I will pray for you!
Many Blessings, K.

Actually we just dealt with this in May. My FIL past away from Pulmonary Fibrosis the day before Memorial Day. We are from the Holland/Zeeland area and the Funeral Director gave us a pamphlet on how to explain Death and the like to children. I would encourage you to contact someone like this ASAP. This will help both you and your children to better understand. By all means... don't tell them that Grandpa went to sleep and he is up in Heaven!! That is what I have heard others say in the past and that alone can create a whole different ugly situation for you. Take care and know that others are thinking of you and know what you are dealing with!!

S.,

I have had to deal with many loses in our family since my girls were little and I agree that he needs to go to the funeral or at least the funeral home for a viewing. This will help him to be involved and and see first hand the natural part of life, which is death. If he doesn't experience this, he will have more fear and worry of losing you or others close to him. The fear of the unknown is always greater. And it's OK to let him see you upset. Explain to him that you're just very sad that he won't be here in body, but he will be here in heart forever.

Hi S.,

I can sympathize with your situation, since I just lost 2 of my grandparents last year. My children knew both of them fairly well. We talked openly about it, and I did cry a little when I told them. They asked why I was crying. I explained it's because I'll miss my grandparents, but also because I'm so happy that they get to go to heaven and have a healthy angel body, and see their spouses who died before them, and have a happy life in heaven.

Be thankful that your first experience with the death of someone you love, is not a tragedy. It's easier to explain to your kids that old people can't use their bodies anymore, so they need to die and go to heaven. My kids accepted the situation very well, and it led to some very poignant moments and great discussions.

My kids didn't go to the funerals, because both of my grandparents live in Pennsylvania. I would have taken them if I could, but I knew that the funeral would be mostly positive, and a celebration of their lives. There wasn't an open casket, and I wouldn't have wanted my children to see one if there was. I don't want that to be their final memories of my grandparents.

I'm sorry for your loss. I hope this was helpful, although I was rambling a lot.

I wish you and your family the very best as you go through this difficult situation. If you would like to read about some wonderful ideas about heaven, try this website: www.newchurch.org/about/beliefs/lifeAfterDeath.

L.

I agree - NO funeral. I lost all 4 of my grandparents before I was 12 and the best thing my mom ever did for me was to not let us go to the funeral or any viewings of even see them right before they died. I still till this day only have the vision of healthy grandparents and I am so glad for those great memories. Have your husband tell your son and since you are christian I would go to church with your son and husband and light a candle in his memory and pray. You children are still young so keep the expaination simple that grandpa died and went to live in heaven with Jesus and the angels. I will bet he will not ask more if you do not offer more. If he does keep it simple and only elaberate on what is asked in a child like explaination.

God bless and I am so sorry for your lose.

Hi S.
I feel like I can speak about this. First, I am sorry you are going through this. My sister is 12 years younger then I am, and when she was 5 years old our grandfather passed away. My grandparents had been living with us for several years, so this was a very significant event in her young life. I will tell you how my parents handled the situation.

Grandpa had become very ill, and we did visit him in the hospital. When the news finally came that he had passed, my mother sat my sister down and simply told her that grandpa was no longer going to be with us. She asked a couple of questions.... specifically 'did he die?' My mother responded very simply 'yes.' We too are christians, and my sister knew about your spirit going to heaven to be with Jesus. My mom simply told her that 'grandpa was no longer in pain, he was no longer sick, and he was with Jesus and someday we would see him again.'

She cried, hard, for about 5 minutes. And then it was done. We did take her to the funeral home for a viewing. My mom felt it was important that she have a chance to say goodbye. Grandpa was a daily figure in her life, my parents felt this was important. She had a few more questions, and we answered them. But overall she handled it very well.

It will be up to you whether you take your son to the funeral home as this man hasn't been a prominent figure in his life. Funerals are long and boring... even for many adults. Maybe not the funeral itself.

I don't agree with not letting your son see you sad. Death IS sad. We have to teach our children how to appropriately handle sad situations. NOT seeing us sad will teach them that we should stuff our sadness and that we shouldn't show our emotions. Children see everything. They are also intelligent, feeling people who learn from us. So, seeing us sad when sad situations present themselves just shows them it is OK to have emotions. We just have to process our grief appropriately. It is OK to talk about the fact you are sad. You can discuss with your son ways to help you get through the days and make things not as sad. Maybe talk about good memories of your grandfather. Talk about things you like that make you happy. Kind of like the song in 'Sound of Music' ... 'my favorite things' ... it's a song about all her favorite things she thinks about when she feels sad. It's a great idea!

Honesty is best when dealing with children and difficult situations. Honesty, age appropriate of course. It's not a good idea to hide these things from them. It doesn't protect them, it just shows them that it isn't ok to show emotions. Save the protection for something they really need protection from. Be there for him, let him know you are there to answer any questions, be sad with him, be happy with him, and help him through this.

Hi S.,

First of all, I'm so sorry for your loss. I think you should tell your son exactly what you said here that this is the first time you have lost a person you truly love and that you are very emotional about it. Death is a natural part of life and nothing to fear. We can never truly lose those we love anyway. You are a person of faith and that faith will sustain you through this pain. Above all, don't hide your feelings from your son. He needs to see that showing emotions and working through grief is okay and healthy. Talk to him and see if he wants to go to the funeral. If he does, I think that is a good thing.

Peace to you.

S.,
I'm so sorry for the loss you are soon to be experiencing. I would wait until I felt relatively calm and just explain to your son that there is a time for everything, a time to be born and a time to die. This is Great Grandpa's time to go to heaven and be with Jesus. You can tell him that you will see him again someday......but not for a long, long, long, time. If you start crying just let him know that sometimes good-byes are hard and you will miss Grandpa and that makes you sad, but life does go on and it will be ok, you can tell him that time will help you to not feel so sad.
When my Grandma died my two oldest boys were around 5 and 3. I took them to the viewing of the casket, but left them home for the actual funeral. At the viewing I explained to them that even though this is Grandmas body, its empty, she already went to heaven and this is where we have to say good-bye. My 5 year old didn't want much to do with it, so we said his good-byes from across the room. I told him Grandma would still know. But my 3 year old was very curious, and I took him right up to the casket and he looked things over, said his good-byes and was fine with it.
I guess just feel out the situation when you are there, whatever your son seems comfortable with, let them know that its ok with you. God Bless you.

S.,

From what I understood from your request you are worried that you are going to scare your son during your grieving process. I would suggest telling him that you are crying because your heart misses your grandpa. Let him know that it will take a while until your heart starts to feel better and that you may just have to cry for awhile. Sometimes with him and sometimes alone.

I think that your second question was answered very well by a number of other members. Good luck with your decision.

One last suggestion: I would search on amazon.com for books about grieving and children. I have found some great picture books in the past and reading them with your oldest may help the both of you before and during this difficult time.

Hang in there.

I lost my brother last year on July 16. He was a juvenile diabetic on an insulin pump. We still do not know what happened and my children were 5 and 7 years old at that time.I can't begin to explain how close they were with Frank!!! When death comes you find the stength to do things you never thought you were capable of.I had never lost anyone in my family. My children were devistated and cried alot but they understood better than I exspected and gave my Mom comfort.As for the funeral we left it up to the children and they both decided to come to the funeral visitation and funeral. It was the worst time of our lives and my brothers death has changed me forever.I think you have given your children the right information and your faith will help you have the stength you will need!God Bless you and your family.
Annmarie

Samatha,
First let me send my sympathy and prayers for you and your family. This is truly a sad situation but with joy in knowing that your grandfather has opened up to his family and hopefully to God as well.
As far as your son my I suggest a few things...first look online there are some good websites that offer children's books about death and dying, a really good one that I used with my children is titled.. Finding Grandpa Everywhere.

Secondly I would suggest that you think about at the most having your son attend a viewing just for a short time, so that he can have the experience for the future. But as far as the funeral I would suggest that he not attend, so that you can focus on your grief and not have to worry about his reaction to your sorrow. Some children can be scared when they see extreme emotion from a parent.

I hope this helps, many funeral homes have resources as well.
L.

S. ~
My son was almost 3 when his great-grandma passed away (his dad's grandma). He knew that she was sick and talked funny - she had a trach, so she sorta whispered. When she passed, I told him that she wasn't sick anymore and went up to heaven to live with Jesus. I did take him to the funeral home. I was really surprised when we were next to the casket and he looked at her and said "Grandma's in Heaven's house with Jesus." He seemed to understand that even though he could see her, she wasn't really there. He touched her hand a couple of times, and when it came time to leave he wanted to kiss her good-bye, which I let him do. His dad was angry with me because when he was little he was forced to kiss someone who was gone. But the difference is that my son wanted to, he understood she wasn't really there. He never had nightmares or any problems.

I was also young when my mom passed away, just 10. I never had a chance to see her at the hospital (she was there for 2 weeks) and my dad only had a memorial service, not a viewing. He also had her cremated and scattered her ashes. So I never had a chance to say good-bye, and to this day that bothers me. I never had any closure. When my son was born I had a very vivid dream about my mom still being alive, and 22 yrs later I still remember that dream. So I would say to take your son and let him say good-bye. Also, it doesn't hurt for him to see you sad.
Sorry you have to go through all this.
D.

S., There are soooo many good books (for children) about death. Look at your library or book store. Start reading and talking about it now. Death is a natural part of life, why should it be scary? Take your 5 year old to the grave yard NOW,
before it comes, explain all about it! You can even tell all about what happens at a funeral home, Death is a part of life, and it is ok to be sad! Explain , we ALL will die sometime, and not to be afraid. I am not sure what your beliefs are, but reincarnation is a thought that can be happy,
Also explain your grandpa won't be in serious pain any more, Talk about his life before, and about growing old. Once you have explained it all, give him the choice to go to the funeral, (and funeral home).
good luck K.
Mother of 5 grown, 1 grandson, childcare provider for 30 years. I take the children in my childcare once a year to a funeral home and graveyard as one of my lesson plans, All of my families agree it is a great lesson, and great prep for what may come. It has helped many children (my own too) be prepared in case death happens. We usually do this before Halloween, also in prep for graveyard fears. Any questions, I would be glad to talk. K

Hi S., I am sooo sorry that you are going through this sad and stressful time. I can identify with you totally. I went through the same thing with my daughter, when she was 4. As parents, one of the best and most important things we can do for our kids, is to prepare them for the real world so they are able and confident to handle just about anything.
Death is one of these things that we have to help prepare them for (because you never know WHEN they will experience a serious loss).

Simple explanations are always best (I usually try to end it on a positive spin). When it is an all-around bad situation..ie. someone young, or unexpected. I just tell my kids that God knows EVERYthing, and we don't. He knew what was going to happen to that person in the future. It could have been MUCH worse and had more suffering. Or maybe they wouldn't have went to heaven. That God is merciful and we'll understand all the reasons when we get to heaven. When you're done talking to them, ask them if they have any questions. Also, tell them if they have any other questions, or just want to talk about it, to come to you.

When I was 4, I went to my first funeral. So, I knew what death was, and was not terrified of the unknown (kind of like the boogeyman). I did this with my daughter and it's really worked for her. A friend of mine did the opposite and mostly let her daughter experience "happy" things. Her daughter was always afraid that something would happen to her mom and family and had death dreams.

My daughter's great grandma, and grandpa died within a year of each other when she was 4. I took her only to the visitation. I told her that we were showing our love and respect for her great-grandpa and we were also saying goodbye. I explained to her ahead of time, that she would see people crying (because they missed their loved-one). That this was normal. Kind of like when she cries, but then feels fine later on. We drove and talked about her grandpa, and I explained which relatives would be at the visitation.

When we got there, we walked up to the casket together.
I cried. She was curious and quiet, but fine. Then we spent a little time talking, and visiting with relatives/friends. Before we were going to leave, I told her that it was time to say goodbye (like at a funeral). We walked up to the casket. I said what I usually say...we love you, miss you (as I'm crying), and we'll see you in heaven someday. My daughter said bye grandpa, I love you. She was fine, after.

My daughter is 13 now, and doesn't even remember going. It made her feel better, when I told her that she went to the visitation, told grandpa she loved him, and said her goodbyes. She had closure both times. She's never been pre-occupied with death, never had any nightmares about death, or dead people.

Also, for the people who are happy that their parents protected them from the life experience of seeing a sick, hospitalized, or dying loved-one. How selfish is that?
What about the person that is ill, in the hospital or dying? Maybe THEY would like to say goodbye or be comforted by the presence of all their loved-ones. It is VERY hard, scary and lonely to be in a hospital and/or dying. If you do bring children to a hospital, or to see someone ill or dying. Just keep the visit brief. Give them that last chance to tell the person that they love them and/or goodbye before you leave. This teaches them compassion and gives closure.

Hope this helps. I know both sides of the coin because I'm going to be a hospice nurse.

I'll be praying for you,
A. (;
p.s you won't scare your son by explaining all this to him. Explain that his other grandparents are healthy right now, and that there are people that live till over 90 or 100.

Hi S....
I would just be straightforward but simple. When my son was about 5 or 6, his great grandfather died. Bob was cremated, so there was no body to view. I explained to my son a simple explanation of death <your heart doesn't beat anymore..etc> and that he doesn't hurt anymore... I kept it simple. Since that time he's had to say good by to a few more people in his life, but he's handled it very well. He understands that mom and dad will be crying and that its ok to show that emotion... we still talk about his great grandpa and more recently his great grandma. We still have pictures up and acknowledge the people they were... it seems to help him cope very well to chat about the people we miss.

I took my daughter to her grandfather's service when she was 3. We explained to her that she was not going to see him anymore because his heart stopped working and that caused him to die. We told her that we would still be her-reassuring little ones is important, and that she would still see her grandma and her other grandparents. That grandpa went to be with his mommy and daddy. Check out a book now while you have time on children grieving, it helped me prepare a lot not just to tell her but for me to grieve too.

As far as the visitation goes we did not have one, but when my husband's aunt passed away her grandchildren were told the viewing was the bus stop to take her heaven. It seemed to work well with them because they were young. Hope this helps but do check out a book at the library or buy one it was the best thing I could have done for the questions that come up afterwards and trust me they do. The first time my husband went out of town for work, she thought he went to be with grandpa.

It is amazing that you haven't had to deal with death before now. You'll know what to do when the time comes. Pray about it. Be natural. I think it's up to you whether you take him to the funeral or not. Families handle this in different ways. I'd talk with him and try to see how he'd feel about it. Sometimes it's a good thing for children to experience death & funerals when it's someone not so close to them to prepare them for the eventuality of losing someone closer at some point. If you explain it simply in terms of heaven being as real as our life here on earth, and how sometimes an old person's body just isn't strong enough to fight off such a serious disease, he should be fine. He's going to be concerned about you and your grief, but that's a reality too. Your talking with him will reassure him. You can handle this, Mom! "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted."

Hi S.,
I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. I hope that things are not too painful for him. Don't underestimate your son. My daughter was almost 4 when we lost her grandfather. She already had an idea about heaven because we had already explained it to her a bit when we had to put our 2 dogs down earlier that year. Just keep it very simple. At this age, your son doesn't need all the theology behind the belief, he just needs to know that people feel better when they get to heaven and that it is ok for him and you to feel sad and cry, but also it's ok to remember the happy times.

In regards to the funeral, my daughter came to the visitation and the memorial service, but not the graveside service. I had someone there to occupy her while we greeted people. I did take her up to the coffin only because she said she wanted to say goodbye.

It will be a year next month that we lost my father-in-law. My daugther is ok with talking about him and letting her friends know that he is heaven. She sometimes misses him and is sad, but mostly she remembers the happy times she got to share with him.

I hope this helps in some small way.

Since you are a Christian, you know that death isn't the end, but the beginning. If you focus on that, you will get thru this difficult time in your life. Keep your eyes on Jesus. It will be hard, but you will be given the strength to continue.

Blessings,

S.

My condolences, S..

Someone in the Billy Graham family did a lovely, child appropriate book on what heaven is like and I think it explains death. Try looking for it online, at the big bookstores, or Christian book stores.

Or, maybe a demonstration of sorts. I saw this in a movie when a dad was trying to explain why things have to die. He took a pitcher and filled it with water. Explained that our bodies are like pitchers, filled with something as wonderful as water. Through aging a little is lost. (here's where you need maybe a sink of water. Pour the rest of the water into the water filled sink) When things die, the water is like leaving the pitcher and it's empty. BUT LOOK! The water is mixed with other water and is part of a bigger picture! It's still there and you know the pitcher water is now a part of it.

Well it worked well in the movie.

Ask your pastor too. He might have some material to offer.

I understand what you are dealing with. i lost my grandmother last July 4th and have a son that at the time was 5. i did have him attend the funeral and the graveside service. he was close to her but understood that she was old (well into her 90's) and that it was her time to go. i was open and honest with him about everything and didn't hide my emotions from him. i told him that it was alright to be sad and to feel upset. i informed him that grandma was better off that she was no longer in pain and she was feeling much better. he dealt with the whole situation quite well and had a few questions that i answered as well as i could. my advice for you is to do as much explaining and preparing as you can and then just be honest. let him know that it is okay to be sad but let him know that your grandfather will be in a much better place. be sure to explain to him that the grandparents that he has are healthy and will be with him for a long while. i hope this helps and i give you my sympathy. it is not easy dealing with death especially with a child to tell.

No funeral. You're right, don't tell him when you are upset. You can wait a few days or a week after his death to tell your son or maybe your husband could tell him? Let your husband tell him, let your husband answer some questions he may have. It's ok to tell your son that you're sad and don't want to talk about it right now. If you do really start crying in front of your son, just look at him and smile and say "mommy's ok", then he won't be scared.

Just be open and honest with your son. If you need to cry, cry. Nothing wrong with showing our own emotions as they need to learn to do the same. Explain that you'll be going through this together.
A little more than a year ago a freind had to go through this with her own father who was very close with his grand daughter. The grand daughter would lean over the casket and actually hug him and touch him. It may seem creepy to many, but it really helped her with saying good bye.
Perhaps even making a special memory book of your grandfather with your sone, something to look back at years from now.

A few years ago my grandfather died. It was hard because we were very close and my three year old (at the time)daughter loved him very much.
A great resource for us was the library. A librarian helped find age appropriate books and some of them made me cry. I never tried to hide my pain from her though because she needs to know that grief is natural and it does get better.
There are also a lot of websites out there that have great advise on kids and grieving.
We brought her to the funeral along with her cousins because we did not want them to feel left out and to have a chance to say goodbye too.
Kids grieve differently then we do... They grieve intensly and then not at all. Then they start up again. All three of my grandfather's great grand daughters still talk about him. They go through patchs were they talk about him and miss him; but then so do I.
A lot of times people try to hide grief from kids but that gives them the idea that it is not ok to hurt. Explain as much as needed and save the rest for when they are older. If they seem to be satisfied with the amount of information they have leave them with that. If they have questions answer them honestly, it is the only way they will learn and grow into happy adults that are able to deal with this stuff as it arises in their time.
Look for kid friendly books. We really liked: Always and Forever byAlan Durant, Where is Grandpa by TA Barron, Bear's Last Journey, and another (I do not recall the name) about a boy and his grief after his dog dies.
Growing up I went to my Great Grandmother's funeral and it helped me feel better. My best friend was sheltered from it by her mother and she is still terrified of anything to do with death or grief to this day.

I see you have a ton of advice here, so I'll be short... The first time I ever saw my dad cry was at his father's funeral. I was about 12. I was so overwhelmed by seeing this, I remember crying hysterically at the funeral, not because of grandpa, but my dad...
So, i guess my advice here is to give your son a heads up on your feelings and don't hold it in until the funeral, if he comes. Even though I feel a little tramatized by that moment in my life, as I became older, the memory of it reminds me of dad's heart.
Good luck with your son and God Bless.
S. H, too:)