Over Attentive Aunt???

B.,
Hi I am in a hurry so this will be quick.
I just wanted to say that my sis and I have a relationship where we take eachothers kids to the potty etc... My guess is that your sister hasn't thought about the fact that you have a lot to do - b/c you keep taking your neice to the potty and you keep doing things for her etc....My suggestion is just to say no. When it is suggested that you do it or your neice asks you, tell her to find her mommy - b/c you are busy, only do it isf you really do have the time. Tell them you just got a chance to sit down for a minute and that she can wait or find her mommy.
Does that make sense? Then it won't even be a "thing" and eventually I would think they would stop asking you.
NOW go put your feet up! : )

I agree with Caroline. If your niece says she needs to go to the bathroom, tell her to go find her mom. When it comes to her getting into things, I would politely but firmly go tell your sister that her daughter is doing something that she is not supposed to be doing and go and get her. As long as you do it, she will assume that it doesn't bother you and you are willing. Make yourself an unwilling party and she will have to do it herself. Don't feel bad. You are pregnant and should be resting as much as possible. As for going out to dinner. Sit as far away from your sister and your niece as possible and then you can't cut up her food and be asked to take her to the bathroom.

Yeah stick up for yourself, there's nothing wrong with saying no. If she indicates you should help your niece with something, say 'i'd kind of like to sit and relax for a minute' and laugh or something like it's not a big deal. My OB even said the most important word a mom can use in terms of taking care of herself is 'no'.

That is terrible. Does your sister just expect you to do those things-take her kids to the bathroom, etc or do you always jump in and help?

I went through a sort-of similar thing with my sister in law. She does not discipline her kids. Which is fine at their house but not in my house. I end up prying her 6 year old off of my 4 year old, taking toys away from her kids, picking up after them, etc. It bothered me for so long that I finally had to say, "I'm sorry but they can't play here anymore if you can't control them." She was angry for awhile, mainly just avoided each other but she came around.

I would cut her off for a while. No more coming over unless it can be enjoyable for everyone- including you! Can you get your Mom involved or the husbands. Sometimes it is easier when someone else can tell her that it really stresses you out. If that doesn't work- throw a little humor in and tell her how much you charge an hour to watch her kids!

For women, confrontation, speaking our truth and resentment are a gigantic issues.

We are so afraid of the reaction that we keep silent, and then we get resentful...what a vicious circle.

I would recommend going to a neutral place..maybe the mall, or a coffee house- without the kids...with your sister....

keeping in mind that you love her- and her apathy is casing her daughter to suffer- you must tell her your truth AS YOU SEE IT..from a loving place....

Here is the trick...you must detatch from the outcome- and she will probably react since she is in a bit of denial.... then drop it...

People- especially women- stew over what is said to them- whether they like what they heard or not....

setting a personal boundary for yourself- and not trying to change her is the bottom line...

Let me know how it works out..but suffering in silence is making your home less happy....

M.

Time to put a stop to it. I would suggest telling your sister that you don't mind helping your niece out here and there but it has gone overboard. When your niece comes to you tell her no she needs to go to her mom. Tell your sister you have enough to do as it is and she needs to tend to her own child and that she is the mother and not you. Your sister may get angry with you but you need to put your foot down and worry about your own family. Your sister needs to take responsibility for her own child. Good luck! Also congrats on the new baby on the way!

Be frank with everyone. Tell them they need to step up snd share the locations of gatherings or limit them to a few times a year.
It sounds like your sister is bullying you and your daughter may be bullied by her daughter if things don't change soon.
Maybe you should take your sister aside as soon as they get to your house or call her and lay it on the line. Or make it her idea. Tell her you need help. Could SHE do all the potty breaks and cutting the food because you have so much to do. See what she says.

I have a story sort of like your own only it was a friend. She would never disapline her daughter. She said she never listened. The little girl once spit in my hair because she was not the center of attention. Well we were all at a picnic and the kids were playing yard darts. Yes the old dangerous ones. Well she kept hitting me and throwing things at me. I told her firmly to stop. Well she took one of the rings apart and hit me so hard I had a welt for days on my back. It snapped so loud it sounded like a gun going off. I nailed her bottom. I agreed too hard but I was use to paddling through really thick boys training pants not big girl underwear. She wore my hand print for as long as the welt was on me. Her mother made me even more mad by sitting on her behind and saying I guess that's what she needed I just cannot control her. I thought she YOUR child not mind. It's my responsablity to correct my child. Yours should be yours.

Hello B., it seems to me that the only thing u can do is tell your sister how u feel. u have your kid's and she has hers. She's your niece not your daughter. Don't be afraid that you'll offend her, how can she get offended when she's taking advantage of u. Let your sister know that u don't mind helping, but actually B. your not helping her, your taking care of her daughter for her.

let your sister know that you are little worned out. being pregnant. not to seem rude, but when your sister asks you to watch her daughter, refer her to watch your daughter in return. she might get the idea, or just ask her husband outright.

My opinion is that you should tell your sister that it is her responsibility to take care of her daughters needs. Understandably so that your niece wants you to do things for her. Maybe that is an area that ur sister lacks skills. Your niece, seems to value you and your input. She must sense although being a disciplinarian you are intuitive to her needs. So my assumption is that your niece values that balance.

It seems that your sister may not be in tune with her daughter and is comfortable with pushing her duties off on others. You can be polite about it...but I would inform my sister that she should take care of the needs for her child. Or if you are uncomfortable with that, make sure that you place yourself away from your niece in the sitting arrangements at the restaurant to ensure that you wont take on the task of cutting up everyones food but you and your daughter.

B.,

Sounds like a pickle. I would be feeling the same way in your situation.

As much as I am adverse to playing games, I say play the 'pregnant' card as much as you can. Like some of the other moms put it, "Gee, Sweetie, I'd love to help, but this little girl inside me is wipin' me out! ... Go find your mom"

Or another suggestion is the bait and switch. "Gee, Sweetie, I was working on setting the table. Get your mommy to do THIS task, and I'll help you with yours" Perhaps your sister will even overhear and get the hint.

Much luck to you!

B. - When you are together whether it be out to dinner or at ones home the next time your niece asks you to help, start by candidly saying, "oh honey, I am a little busy right now, you need to ask your mommy or daddy to help". If your sister is the one telling you that her daughter wants your help only, then say, "You know, I would love to but I really can't right now, I am having a conversation with ??? or I am busy doing ??.

B., you are unfortunately going to have to take some risks in changing this behavior and this may include hurting your sisters feelings or offending her. I agree, she does need to take responsibility for her own children. We would all enjoy the break every once in awhile however, that does not mean at the expense of someone else who does not want to take over all the time and she needs to understand this.

I am a true believer in communication and I am sure that if you and your sister just sit down and talk, it will work out. She may be offended, she may be upset and not talk to you for awhile but in time, she will realize that this truly is she and her husbands responsibility and not yours.

Good Luck!

oh - I am in your shoes often and don't really know what to do either... I will read all the responses you got and see what others have to say to help!

Hello Beth, I would just tell your sister the truth. You don't have to be mean or rude, just honest. It's your time to enjoy yourself too and you'd like to be able to relax. Just tell her you love your niece and you're flattered that she's so attached to you, but that it's keeping you stressed. The only problem is that the niece might notice a difference in the attention you give her. You might just ween yourself from her. Maybe you don't need to say anything to your sister, just tell your niece that her mommy will have to do whatever she's asking you to do because you promised yourself you're going to relax this time or that you're right in the middle of something else. Hope this helps. God Bless! N. L.

If I were you I would totally use my pregnancy as a excuse and sit down and let everyone else take care of the children...Believe me no one will have the guts to make a pregnant woman get up and do things if she does not feel like it....The beauty about it is that you have at least 3-4 more months to go and that is plenty of time for your sister to get the message and the habit of taking care of here own children when you are around... Good Luck M.

I hear you loud and clear...though mine is usually our friend's kids. I love children. They are interesting to me and usual if you're kind they like you...not always true with adults. But still you want adult time with other adults. And people are more then will to "erect a somebody else's problem field"...not everyone...I know some really good moms. Because I like kids, I usually end up with the job you are talking about. It's a compliment...the kids like you...you give them the positive attention they're desiring. My daughters friends love me and listen to me really well. Well all that said I have two simply pieces of advice that are the hardest things to do...I fail often in practicing them...simply don't do it. Act like they act who put the responsiblity on you. Obverse them and you behave the same way. And because you've taken the role on before some people will just expect you to do it...so the slution is to "ask for help." You're pregnant...you're tired...ask her for help and word it so you say help. Not nasty...just ask. Here an example...the potty...her daughter asks you to help her. You go find her mother and say I have "X" to do. Could you help me? BLANK wants me to help her to the potty but I'm really busy...or I'm not feeling good...or I'm really tired from being pregnant...or my daughter needs me right now...or I'm having a conversation with BLANK. Could you please handle it? I know she loves me but I could really use the help. Do that enough times and who ever will get the picture. It goes back to the simply don't do it. Difficult children love me too but take a break. There's a saying I like..you define how you are treated by what you are willing to accept. It's a rough lesson though...especially if you love children. The child will still espect you to do it. Again ask her for help...like "Honey, I can't right now I'm busy...my daughter needs be...I'm talking to Uncle Frank. Could you help me out and go ask your mom or dad? Her responce might be "No! I want you!" "Well I'm sorry sweetheart I'm not available right now to help. Please aske your parents. Here let's go find them together." You're not being mean or nasty. Just putting things in place.

Deb

I don't see anything wrong with giving her a break. I help with my nephews when we visit, I think it's nice to be taking care of someone else's kids for a bit. Why is it so hard for you to help her out if she feels like she doesn't get a break at home? Next time your niece wants you to help her do something, let her know how much you love her by helping her and if your kids need help with something, tell them to involve your sister as a trade off.

You've gotten some great advice already, but I just wanted you to know that you definitely have the right to ask her to take care of her own children and to let you take care of yours (and just yours). If you don't she'll just keep up the actions and will never change.

Like some other ladies have said, she'll probably be aggravated with you for awhile, and then be better. So just be prepared, and enjoy YOUR parties that you've worked so hard to put together!

I think you should in a very nice way tell her take care of
her own children and you will take care of your own, and if
she is offended well that is her problem and not your's. The
way I see it is if you are nice enough to open up your home
to everyone then the least she can do is help out alittle too.
I have a disfuntional family too, not in that way, but it gets to you when they act the way they do sometimes. I got into it with one of my sisters last year, it's too long to go
into, but it wasn't pleasant, and I didn't want to talk to
or have anything to do with her for a few month, but I finally
desided it wasn't worth worrying about the situation anymore so I changed my tune alittle. So I do speak to her now.
Families! you can't live with them but can't live without them either. And maybe if you can stand up to her alittle, she may get upset at first, but then she may come around after while. Who know she may even become your best friend
in the end. Hope I helped you some. K.

I have three sisters and can see the problem you are feeling. The first thing is decide what you will do and then you can pick how to deal with it. At dinner have a plan if your neice wants to sit by you have an aprrppriate responce ready, I have no problem saying your mommy needs you next to her so she can take care of you, and if your sister has the oh no she wants you, a simple i'm out also and want a break too! then their is staged sitting. The idea that you have a little girl that wants to be with you is a compliment, if she wants to sit by you tell her dad or mom to take the otherside and when she looks to you return the responsiblity to your sister. You don't have to be rude, as i have had to find my voice you do too we are not here to make everyone happy and we do have a right to enjoy our self. I told my sister how to discipline this week and that was not easy she is strong willed and opinionated (like me!!) I simply said stop negotiating for your parental rights and claim the your the parent what you say is the fact. to my surprise she didn't leave she said after claiming her athority it wasn't untell you said that, that i relised what i was doing. so if you are close then tell her befor you go how you feel and what you need from her, we fail to tell people what we need and then don't like how we are treated, funny hu.
M. V

In your situation I would pray about this because so that you do not say the wrong thing... Jesus I pray Lord that you would give B. words of wisdom. You said in your word if we ask anything in your name you hear us. You said in your word if we ask for wisdom you will give it to us. I pray that you would give her the words to say to her sister. I pray that her sister will have an understanding heart. I pray Lord that you would help to say the right thing. IN Jesus name I pray amen. Be blessed. :)

Dr. Phil has an oft-mentioned saying: You teach people how to treat you...not always true, but most of the time it is. The way you solve this is to change the rules. Next time everyone is over, tell them that you have decided that it's time for a change in the family gathering process. You are going to start taking turns for the family gatherings, and it starts with the next one. Don't ask a yes or no question next, just say which one of you -- brother or sister -- wants to host next? Then say to make it simpler for everybody, each family will bring the dessert or two side dishes to the host house and that cleanup will be a shared event each time; men first time, women next and you take turns. And think about hiring a babysitter to watch after/monitor the wee ones while you are having dinner. I am sure a local teen would love to have a three hour easy watch and it would be worth every penny to be able to entertain in peace. The other siblings can follow suit, or not, when it's their turn. Let us know it this works!

J.

Sit at the farthest end of the table away from your niece and sister. Also say that Aunt B. is busy with her little girl and can't help her this time but lets plan to come to my house on a Saturday just you and my little girl.

Your sister is lazy. There is no nice way to put it. As long as she can get you to do it, why should she? Make sure you don't sit by her or your niece at the table so your niece will be less likely to ask for your help & if your sister asks anyhow she will have to do so across several chairs & just politely decline. Maybe your husband will give you the night off & take care of your girl which makes it easier to just say, sorry, I'm off duty tonight. As you get bigger pregnant, this could work at home too. I would change the way things are sooner rather than later.