Out of Control Teen--how Do You Handle a Kid Who Fights You on Everything?

Take it all away.
Everything.
Take the phone, the computer, the ipod, even the bedroom door... everything.
Leave her a mattress and a blanket.
Drive her to school.
Walk her into the building and drop her off with the principal every day.
She'd go to school and come home.
When she gets home, she would do homework and chores.
She can have dinner with the family.
She can spend time with her family or she can spend time in her room.
No friends.
No movies.
No TV
No video games....
Nothing.
As her grades improve and her attitude improves, she can get things back. I'd start with her bedroom door.
The mother needs to step it up now -- before it's too late.
LBC

I know a lot of parents who associate their kids being happy (at any age) with being a good parent.

It's an easy trap to fall into. I've done it, and I'm sure most parents have at one time or another. Because a house where everyone is happy, even for 5 minutes is RELAXING, and relaxing is good, right?

Yeah, not always.

Especially when they're babies... happy baby means BLISS / everything the need has been supplied. (Although the converse isn't true, a baby can be miserable even with everything they need taken care of because of medical issues, colic, etc.) But babies only have needs. Kids have wants. As parents it's easy to fall into the trap BOTH ways, of assuming babies have wants and punishing them, and that kid's wants are needs... and doing *anything* to keep them happy.

I remember the day that for the first time my son was miserable and I wasn't stressed out/ guilty/ sad. I was actually grinning beacuse my son was FURIOUS about being in trouble. Hahaha. SO cute. It was also like night and day. He was miserable, I was happy. Instead of in reverse. Because before, everytime he was in trouble I'd be tearing myself to pieces, bawling in the hallway, wracked with guilt. But not that day. And not most days following. He NEEDED to be in trouble, and he needed to be unhappy about it (otherwise, why would he stop doing x?). My husband still freaks out when my son is upset. If my son's upset because he's in trouble, I smile to myself and grab a book or cook, or whatever (and frequently call my mum to share). These are lessons he needs to learn, and I had to learn that courage is doing the right thing even when you're scared to. I have status amongst his friends (come to find) as a "cool" mom. Awesome. I always kinda wanted cool mom status. And, frankly, that status could vanish at any moment so I have to revel in it before I'm too embarrassing to walk within a block of. Because I don't want cool mom status more than I want my son to learn how to live well. Because he still gets grounded, loses privileges, and sent on timeout. My son and I are tight (hope it stays that way), but he's also frequently in his room grumbling about me in 4 different languages.

It can be REALLY hard as a parent to separate out in your own mind and heart them being unhappy is often the BEST thing for them / what they need.

It seems that mom was the friend and not the parent and now the child is out of control because there were no boundaries set. So now mom who is friend has to become the mean person "parent" and parent with tough love. Yes take off the bedroom door and take back all the privlieges she has such as cell phone, computer (put a pass word on it) and any thing else. Like one person said, drag her to school in front of all her friends and keep a short tight reign on her. If she won't clean her room take all the stuff and put it in a trash bag and "throw" it away (put it where she can't find it) and let her learn that if she doesn't want or need it it is not going to be there. Make her life rough and not nice. Let her see what the real world is all about people not getting what they want.

Advise her that when she pays the bills that come in her name she can have a say as to what goes on in the home. The good "Who is the parent, who is the child?" Have mom say it over and over until she gets comfortable with it. Otherwise this is another child headed to the wrong side of life at a fast pace.

Your friend is going to have to grow some big balls and thick skin in order to survive the next 4 years. She is going to have to get over feeling guilty and become strong as she wouldn't let a complete stranger do this to her. Stop being a doormat. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or something so that she sees where her "things" went to help someone out who is appreciative of what they get/have.

Have your friend contact parenting classes for help. If she doesn't get help she will be another mom like one the other day where her 18 year old daughter hit her not a good scenario. Maybe a change in counselors is in order.

The best to your friend and her daughter.

The other S.

PS No one said parenting was easy as there is no how to manual.

Um, a teen cannot refuse to go school - that's called truancy and is illegal. Mom is the one who gets in trouble for that. Mom should be driving her to school every day and watching her walk into the building. If Mom is not home when the child gets home from school then Mom needs to find a Boys & Girls Club or a YMCA program for the child to go to after school.

A teen who does not follow the rules should not have computer privileges - or any privileges - so that solves the FB problem.

If the counselor is naive enough to be manipulated by a 14 year old the Mom needs to find another counselor pronto.

The key here is consistency - if your friend is not consistent in her dealings with her daughter then the child will never listen. An out of control teen needs to be dealt with firmly and consistently. A clear set of expected behavior and responsibilities should be outlined along with a corresponding clear set of consequences.

Your friend is the adult. She needs to make that clear to the child. That means taking away any and all privileges, cell phone, computer, TV, time out with friends, until the child learns to behave. Your friend is obligated to provide a place to sleep, food to eat and clothing for the girl. I would strip her room of everything but the absolute basics, take the door off the room, and let her begin to earn things back based on proper, respoectful behavior. Yep, this includes her favorite jeans and her favorite snack food.

Sounds harsh? It is - but I am assuming that the child did not wake up at 14 and become out of control - this has probably been building for years and unless your friend firmly takes control now it will not get any better. Imagine this child at 20 and still living at home but without a high school diploma, and no job.

And just to let you know, I have stripped my son's room of everything except a bed and dresser when he was about 9 - worked wonders. At 14 he knows I am serious about his behavior and his responsibilities. We have a good, close relationship but it is respectful on both sides.

I have a friend who called the police on their child & had them "arrested". Even had them taken to the police station and "booked". Of course, the parents were waiting in another room to pick them up. However, the cop told the child they were letting them off that time, but the next time WOULD be for real and there would be charges filed.

Mom needs to step it up and play the parent. If the child is refusing to do things, Mom needs to make her. Drag her off to school. Walk her inside. Call the teachers and check in with them daily to make sure she's in class. Mom will need help from the school to do this, yes, but Mom also needs to coordinate the efforts as well. Get rid of the computer and cell phone. Put bars on windows and remove the bedroom door. Have a tracking device put on her as they do on those under house arrest. The child is just that--the child. She's 14 yrs old and she's going to have to learn that Mom is the parent and what Mom says goes. Mom has allowed this child to walk all over her too long. It's time Mom takes control of the situation again. GL

As a teacher, I see this type of child & parent often. Nothing will change until your friend toughens up. The child knows his/her mother will not take charge and therefore is taking charge.

At any age, children long for structure & discipline. They are too young to manage that on their own. This child is crying out for that.

Suggest your friend go to the school & get some help their first. However, she should not expect the school to do everything. The team of professionals at school can work with the mom to come up with solutions for getting the child to school & maybe their is a teacher there the child feels a connection with.

Then, your friend needs some personal & parenting counseling. If she really wants to solve this problem, she has to stop crying about it & do something about it.

It sounds like this teen is testing her mom to see how much she loves her. Your friend needs to dial in to her daughter. Your friend needs to remember she is the mother and the adult. When she is not using "tough love" techniques (removing and forcing the earn back of things her daughter likes), she needs to be "leave it to beaversish" by asking "Daughter, such and such is playing at the matinee today, ya wannna me and you go see it? I'll buy ya some popcorn.." OR "I'm thinking of going to the mall today to look for a new sweater, would you like to go with, maybe we can find something for you as well.."
I'm assuming they FIGHT about everything right now, and your friend being older and wiser, needs to learn to manipulate the daughter. 14 is still pretty "dumb" and easy to pull the wool over their eyes. There is always more than one way to skin a cat. Your friend needs to say "Today things are gonna change and I'm going to use a new way to get to my daughter". And then she needs to just do it.
Don't forget to be there when she needs to vent. Teens are a scary species sometimes :)

My house my rules. I was a tough mother and school was not to be gone to on a catch as can basis. School is where you learn. If they did not go I drove them. Block the Facebook and other things she abuses.
The mother is the one who needs counselling. She's got to toughen up.

Its tough! I'd advise your friend to go to the counselor as well, same one. She needs to figure out how to deal with her guilt, so she's not afraid to give her daughter consequences for her action. Also so that the counselor knows the whole story. Then he/she can best advise the mom how to deal with the teen.

As a mom I believe a teen who is not respectful should not have privileges! No phone, no TV, no computer/internet (outside of homework, and that needs supervision since she's not trustworthy), no music. She can regain things as she becomes respectful. She can't go out with friends either. Mom needs to mean what she says and stick to it.

Have her watch Super Nanny episodes, it helps to empower you on how to deal with kids/teens that are out of control!

Best wishes!

Unconditional love, keeping the lines of communication open, firm boundaries but somehow also making it clear how much she loves her and wants the best for her, trying not to deal with her out of anger, choosing her battles very carefully which means letting a lot of small stuff slide (too much makeup etc.), accepting that you can't control her life but working to keep her safe, getting her on birth control shots, taking her out to eat & asking supportive questions about her dreams & goals, showing some physical affection no matter how you feel like kissing her goodnite no matter what, praying really, really hard, seeing the counselor herself. These are all things I did with 2 of my 4 who put me thru the mill and they are very close to me now as adults. It's very tough but if you think long-term and do what you can to keep them safe, it can work out.

Check CMT.com for "World's Strictist Parents" ...??
Might give the gal a wake-up call and mom can get some counseling, too

Ok, so what do you do when you've already done everything that's been suggested in all of these answers?
My 14-yr old stepdaughter has learned to be a master manipulator and flat-out liar! I've only been in the picture for 2 1/2 yrs. Just before then, she was caught sneaking around to talk to some 16-yr old boy that she liked and was trying to arrange to see him secretly. She was taken out of public school and "home-schooled" by her mother (who didn't take the time to actually home school her. She just enrolled her in online schooling). The result: she failed the 7th grade. When I moved in with her father, she came to live with us. It was like teaching a 5 year old the difference between right and wrong. However, when she moved in, I went through a pain-staking effort to give her all the luxuries I never had. I painted her room the crazy colors she wanted. Bought her all new bedding and decorations (things I mentally noted that she said she wanted or liked). She had a 27" TV, game console, stereo and laptop in there. She had a very good life. We put her back in to public school. We had several parent/teacher conferences, helped her with homework anytime she had any and I tried to keep contact with her teachers. Despite all our efforts, she almost failed again. She does nothing all term then busts butt to get a passing grade at the end. And all the stuff she had? She destroyed or broke most of it. Never kept her room clean and what was left was taken away when she was caught "sexting" with some guy she'd been talking to on the computer in the middle of the night. She was left with her bed and clothes. Her stuff (including brand new Christmas presents) stayed boxed up in my garage for over a year because she did nothing to earn them back. She lied and manipulated her mother over that summer and ended up living with her again for the past year. She now goes to a Charter School and her grades improve quite a bit at first. Then her mom gave her a phone again. An Android with full internet capabilities. Her grades immediately dropped and we went through the same fights. Her mom tried counseling for her but she just lied to the counselor, blaming anyone but herself for her actions. She moved back in with us before the end of the school year (3 weeks after her father and I married) because she and her mother could not get along. I knew then this was her crying wolf; she wasn't doing what she was told and getting in trouble for it. Not even a month after she moved in, she was failing her classes because she was too busy using an app on her phone that allowed her to IM someone without us being able to see it... so she thought. I looked through her phone and found everything. Again, phone and computer priviledges - gone. We tried to let up a little and let her hang out with friends, feeling she may just need some peer interaction. A week ago, her father caught her sneaking out to meet up with her boyfriend that we knew as a friend. She cut the window screen completely out to do it. We spent the weekend changing the whole house around so that she now shares a bedroom with her 5 yr old sister who is a huge tattle-tale. She again has a bed and her clothes. But this time I am making her sell all her belongings in a yard sale to pay for the damaged property. But most of it, she's either painted on, cut, carved or broke.
She's admitted to us that she feels she should be allowed to do whatever she wants, because she wants to. She has no sense of personal responsibility and shows no respect to us or our property. I fear she's learned nothing and doesn't seem to want to. We are at our wit's end! What else can be done?

M.,

Another resource for your friend: "Scream Free Parenting" by Hal Runkel.

Until your friend learns how to handle her own emotions she won't be able to handle her teen. She needs to get control of herself now so she can put consistent consequences into place for her daughter's poor choices. She also should increase her support at the school (principal, teachers, counselor, etc.) and with the parents of her daughter's friends.

Right now her daughter NEEDS her to lay down the law and become a parent.

Good luck. You are in a tough spot and I hope your friend is able to listen to, and take, your advise.

C. J.

Your friend has her hands full for sure! A clean room....mom needs to choose her battles. I always just let the rooms go, close the door and ignore the mess, it's her room. If she want to live like a little piggy, oh well, her choice. I would take the computer away, go to a counselor who talks with both mom and daughter TOGETHER. Advising her to put her daughter "in the system", for me is NOT a good idea. "The system" will eat them both up...she has guilt now, give her a few rounds with the state. Unless she is dangerous or doing somethng illegal, I would stay as far away from that one as possible. All teenagers will challenge parents on many levels. Interesting, daughter choses truancy as one of her ways to challenge. Actually it IS against the law for a 14 year old NOT to be in school. What is up at school that she doesn't want to go? She is only 14.....middle school? Mom needs to go to school and talk with the principal and guidance counselor to see what may be going on. It could be a case of bullying, itimidation whatever...kids are SO MEAN to eachother. All this can be enhanced on Facebook....get rid of the Facebook! I feel her pain...I have three girls who were all teens at one time. Mom needs to do whatever it takes to find the ROOT of the problem. Keep us posted if any of the mamapedia advice helps!!

I have an out of control teen as well, I honestly feel like i'm ina abusive relationship. No matter what I do take things away and her frredom. And it still comes back and now I have scrathes on my face and arm from where she has attacked me in a heat of an argument of her lying and be disrespectful. I would loved to know what to do because, I done everyrthing. She has even been in and out of medical rehab places, picked up and visited by law inforcment. My last resort is getting her removed from my home. She has even hit and yelled at our other children. I just am tired and slowly getting weaker from all the stress. I feel like I have to walk on pins and needles just so she wont explode !!!!!!!

Unfortunately, kids know how to guilt parents.....this is a sad situation. It sounds like the parent doesn't know how to take charge, set boundaries, etc. so the child is.

My suggestion would be to pick your battles, but it sounds like the daughter keeps her busier than a one legged man in an ice storm.....

When my daughter (soon to be 25) was a teen, it was REALLY hard...we didn't have cell phones or Facebook, so I am sure it's really hard now. I picked my battles about her room. Lies were not tolerated or acceptable modes of behavior. If she lied, she would be given extra chores, loss of tv/computer time (we had plenty of computer games!!) and she wasn't allowed to go anywhere but straight home. Rules were rules.

if she's a single mom- will the dad take up some of the slack?

Your friend is needing strength in many ways - she needs to learn how to set boundaries and enforce rules. no means no. She needs to stand up for herself, stop with the guilt. She's doing the best she can - now she needs to stop the child from ruling the roost. Tough love works, it's not easy - but it works.

When my daughter was 13 - we were in Germany - she was having a truly rebellious time. Over the summer I sent her back to my sister's house in Las Vegas..not to get rid of her, but to show her we're not TRYING to be mean. We are her parents NOT her friends. And that's hard - you want to be your child's friend, especially as a teen, but YOU MUST BE THE PARENT - guide through the rough spots, showing your child how to maneuver through life. While she was gone, she realized that we weren't so bad and realized we were trying to prepare her for life on her own.

If the daughter steals, turn her over to the police - that will be the hardest thing EVER - but it might be the wake up call the girl needs.

Has she been tested for drugs? Alcohol? Has she been tested for psychological disorders that can be controlled with medication? I'm sorry - I feel kinda funky - as my daughter wasn't this bad.

I will say some prayers so that your GF can get the backbone and tough love she needs to handle her unruly daughter.