Texting, Too Much Media?

I agree with the other posters, as long as his work is done and you set limits he should be mature enough to handle texting either starting this summer or starting next school year. The facebook and myspace issue is out of the question in my house. I don't want my kids' identity out on the web like that untill they are at least 16 and can handle the responsibility. My son is 13 he's in 7th grade and doesn't have a cell phone for himself or a computer in his room. He's "plugged in" enough with video games and his music.

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I got this book, and I think it would apply in your situation as well. http://www.amazon.com/Strong-Mothers-Sons-Raising-Generat... I got it first at the library, then bought a copy, because I knew I would need it at different ages. It goes over a lot of what is normal for boys, pulling away from Moms, and it at least helped me to understand what was normal developmental boundary issues, and how to talk through them.
Good luck,
D.

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Hi there,

It is amazing how much more there is in the technological world for our kids now, than when we were kids. It has its' advantages, but it certainly has its' disadvantages as well. One of the many disadvantages is that with text messaging, IM, email, etc... our children's outside contacts are becoming more "private" to them. Our monitoring, as parents, becomes more difficult, and we need to become more creative.

It sounds like you have the right idea around setting parameters and boundaries around your son's use. It's admirable for any parent to do that, because it is so difficult in today's age.

One large component of allowing your child access to all of this "technology" is Trust. But even with trust between yourself and your child, there are dangers. And a lot of them.

I am a drug test consultant. I own NorthEast Drug Test Services. (www.nedts.us) One of the things I do, is try to educate parents around one of those "dangers".... that would be DRUGS. With increased privacy in our children's day to day activities, there comes increased access to illicit drugs. Your son is at the perfect age for you to start (if you haven't already) talking to him about drugs, and their dangers.

One of the motto's I have as a consultant, is Trust But Verify. My company offers parents several ways to monitor children's possible substance use. One of those ways is through having a family implement a "family pledge" stating the family position on drugs and alcohol. It's a great way for parents to open the lines of communication between themselves and their children. Another way is for parents to regularly test their children for substance use, with at home kits. My company also offers drug detection assessments, where we can detect the presence of drug residue on any surface.

I'm only mentioning this to you because I am sure you are aware of the potential dangers our children face, which is clearly why you are worried about how to limit and monitor your son's use of today's technology. I'm not sure many parents are aware that the technology to monitor kid's potential drug use is out there. It is much easier to establish parameters and boundaries now, at your son's age, than when they are older.

Good Luck with whatever decision you make regarding limiting your son's use of technology. I would be interested in hearing your decisions, and how it works for you. I have 4 children myself, and I imagine the same battles once they reach your son's age!

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As a middle school teacher, I LOVE your plan. And let him know that plan. The truth is, Facebook technically is not allowed until they are in high school (though I know that Facebook doesn't seem to care that people break their rule). You need to remind him (with a smile) that he has no "rights" in your house--he gets what you let him have, nothing more, so being rude about it to you isn't really productive on his part, is it?

Also (again as someone who teaches this age), 7th grade is the worst year. I know he's getting a head start on that, but I warn you it will probably get worse before it gets better. In 8th grade, they seem to relax and start showing signs of the mature high schooler they will one day be. In the meantime, do not get into the arguments. Simply lay down the guidelines without emotion (the worst thing you can do is to visibly take one word he says personally), and stick to what you say. It then is HIS choice if he gets those things and can only blame himself if his attitude loses himself a privilege. ("That's too bad that you mouthed off that way when you were just one month away from getting texting privileges. I'm surprised you chose to do that since I thought you wanted that...")

Also, I just had a parent come in to talk to me about this very thing. I was surprised that she was apologizing for this kid's attitude--he is an A student who never mouths off to me! So, I spoke to him and asked him to cut it out with his mother--whatever respect he musters up before he comes into my classroom, he needs to double it at home, and that I would be checking in with her to make sure of it. My point is--use the school as help if needed.

Good luck!!

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HI J.,

You can always limit his texting. He is a straight A student and a good kid, why not. I would not let him if he is fresh with you, that would be the deal breaker.

D.

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Hi. I thought that I would answer this from my professional perspective rather than as a Mom. I hope you don't mind. I am a school counselor in a 7-8 school. I see first hand how kids, even good kids, can get messed up in texting and facebook drama. Kids use texts like personal computers. What used to take a few days to make it through the rumor mill now only takes a few minutes. Kids can receive inappropriate texts simply because their phone number was in someone else's contact list. Don't forget that texts aren't just words. They can include pictures, links etc. Kids at this age are still learning how to make good decisions. Now if they make a poor choice it is immediately spread not only through the school but also beyond. Messages are sent to siblings at the high school and to other schools.

If you decide to let your son have texts and facebook it is really important for him to be clear what your family values are and what is expected. Don't be afraid to take away the privilege if it isn't used responsibly.

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Let him text. We buy a plan $5 a month per phone for 250 texts (incoming and out going)
I have 2 teenagers, house rules
1. Cell phones get charged in the kitchen EVERY NIGHT, week ends too.
2. Keep track of your minutes (375 each per month) and texts, the record is right on the phone menu.
3. Always have your phone on you when you leave the house.

I would be a bit more concerned about the Internet connection in the bedroom though.

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It sounds like your family is very connected to each other. It sounds like overall you have a good relationship with one another. Your son just wants to fit in, like every other kid. He is getting good grades. You sound like you and your husband have rules for how long he can use the computer and phone and ipod. IF your son is listening to these rules and his grades aren't slipping, I don't see the harm in texting. If things change, then you can always take things away. Open communication with everyone involved is the most important and making sure he understands the rules. I have two teens 17 and 16 that just got cellphones a few months ago. They do have facebook, and instant messaging, but just within the last 6 months. Their grades are not hurting because of it, so far. Good luck.

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That's tough. Everything nowadays (I feel so old saying that and I am only 26!!) is about cell phones, texting, myspace and facebook. I really think you should let him have access to texting and facebook. I know it sounds cliche saying that all of his friends are doing it, so he should too, but in some cases it is true. He might feel left out. Plus, he sounds like a great kid so you shouldnt worry. That is such a tough age anyways! I remember that age (middle school) and it was no fun!! It is all about fitting in, etc.

Whatever you decide...good luck!

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Good for you, standing up to "all the kids are doing it" nonsense and being proactive about raising your sons to be mature, productive, engaged young men! Keep at it!

I second everything the 7th grade teacher who responded said.

And I recommend taking a look at _Bringing Up GEEKs (Genuine, Enthusiastic, Empowered Kids): How to Protect Your Kid's Childhood in a Grow-Up-Too-Fast World_ by Marybeth Hicks. She's a columnist and the mom of four kids. She and her husband take a proactive approach to parenting in a way that encourages authentic character development and rejects inappropriate, trendy, pseudo-adult behaviors and activities.

I don't agree with everything she says and recommends but I think it's a great jumping off point for thinking about how to raise your kids thoughtfully rather than just reacting and crossing your fingers.

Best of luck!

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I completely understand your dilemma. My son is 16 and he tries to make me feel bad because he has a cell phone but it is pay as you go (He runs out of minutes fast).I only buy a certain amount of minutes a month. He wants a "real" cell phone and I refuse. I feel he needs to pay for it himself if he wants it (get a job). I understand your concern about facebook. I don't know much about face book but if it's anything like myspace you can set it for safety etc. Also you could have an account too and check up on him, if you decide to let him have one. That's what I did when I let my son have an account at 14. At first I even had his password (since I was the one to set up the account for him). Sometimes he gets angry at me because I know "too" much but that's ok. I feel safer this way. I think the bottom line is that you know the maturity of your son and what he can handle and you should feel confident in yourself to make those choices. Also talk to your son about your decisions and why you've decided what you have. Good luck!

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Hello,

a book you may find helpful is "Raising Boys" by Steve Biddulph. It helped me with our son a lot (and with my husband, surprise!). It's a quick and enjoyable read. My son is only 3+, so i cannot say anything about your situation, but Biddulph covers puberty thoroughly.

best,
D.

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You've received a lot of good advice so far. I would just add that, if he is old enough and mature enough to handle texting, then he is mature enough to not give you attitude. You can reinforce to him that he has made good choices so far, and if he continues to, he will get more privileges. You are paying for everything, I assume, so he can force himself to show you some love and gratitude. Another thing you could do is make him earn the money to pay for the texting portion, either thru chores or working for someone else. Remember that he will be judged in the future by what's out on his public profile NOW - employers, colleges, etc., all check those things to see how immature or mature the kids are. And that's not even counting the predators or the cruel things kids do to each other. Stuff in cyberspace never really goes away - it's out there somewhere for someone to see. One of the other problems is that all the e-contact keeps kids from developing social skills - they text rather than talk, they use abbreviated text script rather than actually learn how to spell. It causes huge problems later on. Many colleges require mandatory writing courses first semester because even smart kids are functionally illiterate and cannot express themselves in a coherent fashion. And the plugged-in experience actually alters their brain development so that they learn in a totally different fashion than the school curricula address. So you are absolutely wise to limit it and to be sure there are other forms of communication put into practice. For example, you could have him write out a proposal for you about why he needs to text/have facebook, how he will manage it responsibly, etc. - have him write it as if it is to someone who doesn't know him. It will force him to be as articulate as possible, help him share his opinions and organize his thoughts, and require him to be respectful. If he can't justify it, then he can't have it, you know? If he's not mature enough to deal respectfully with someone with whom he disagrees, then he's not old enough to have the privileges. Work with him, find a compromise, and work out another contract as you have with other things. Good luck, and congrats on all your hard work!

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Let the boy text! All the kids ARE doing it - it is the way they communicate. Limit when he sends and receives text messages - not during dinner, homework, not after a certain time at night. Keep limits on TV, video games - and phase in the Facebook for next year. Your son will be mad at you sometimes - he needs to rebel! Let him get mad at your other limits - not this one. I am the mother of a 15 year old son and an 11 year old daughter.

Kids are plugged in these days, that is their reality. I don't think there is any harm in texting especially if he's IM-ing etc. It is the culture he is growing up in.

My son is 14. We try to give him all the freedom we can since he is such a good kid we feel he should see rewards for that. He does his homework, chores, gets A's in school & without complaining & generally without us having to remind him. That grants freedom like texting. We have 2 other sons who get less freedom.

I took a class on the Millennials,this high tech generation, that helped me to see this is who they are.

Preventing him from connecting with his friends is one of the worst things you can do to a kid his age. They value relationships very highly, including the one with you. Texting is a way of communicating not a game.

Also they actually do process information differently then you & I do. They can process on both sides of their brains at the same time & handle information coming in from a variety of sources at the same time. I am sure you have seen him doing multiple things at once. Actually they are more effective that way. Use his skills, ask him to research stuff for you on-line when you need information, you'll be surprised how effective he is at navigating though the maze of information and he'll appreciate that you value his skill.

My son doesn't have a Facebook page so I'm not sure about that. Maybe he can open an account to see what others say without setting up his own page. That might be a compromise? 2 years seems like a long time to wait to me, maybe base it on his grades?

That said, you need to decide what is true for you & your family.

I recommend www.N2millennials.com. Do some research & see if that helps you find some balance with your son.

blessings

J.,

I really like your plan. He is a bit young. Most kids are texting all over the place, but it is not a necessity and can be a huge distraction. Especialy as young as he is. I think you are being very reasonable. He won't agree, obviously, but then again when do they? My 12 year old has had a phone for a while, but it is only for emergencies and for contacting parent/grandparents. She is not allowed to text on it or use it socially. My 14 year-old step-daughter just got a phone and, she too is only allowed to use it to contact us and is not allowed to text.

As for facebook: Not too sure. My kids are not allowed either facebook or myspace. I have a fecbook page and don't really see a problem with it other than they're too young to be spending so much time on the computer.