Computer Acsess, My Space and Facebook

Go to www.kimkomando.com and you can find a wealth of info and usually free downloads and recommendations about what key logger to put on your computer. Some even will give you the passwords. The other advise here is right on target. No computer till the homework and chores are done. This is from personal experience. My kids did this and had the computer in there rooms unsupervised and things did not go well with them. They are 22 and 19 now and were exposed to things that they had no business seeing. My daughter can't do the simplest cooking or cleaning. She was always on the computer . Some keyloggers can be over rode if detected so the kids don't need to see or know you have one on the computer.

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If I didnt have the passwords to check them when I wanted to then she would have no access to the computer at all. My Space and Face Book has the potential to cause lots of problems to unsuspecting teenagers. Not a good thing grandma. Many a kids have died from the innocent chat with a person a child thought was much younger and turned out to be a pervert waiting to prey on kids. Get control of that now.

As far as the phone goes that is normal. I have a 14 yr old girl that would glue the phone to her head if I let her. She is on the phone more in 1 day then I am in 1 week. It starts from the time she gets home till she goes to bed. I could care less because if she is on the phone then I at least know where she is at. It drives my husband nuts.

The not doing homework would not fly with me also. I wouldnt care if she was getting good grades. My girls know that if they miss a homework they are cut off from the phone, computer and tv till the next report I see says that they are doing homework on a regular basis. School is their job right now and they have to do a good job. If they cant complete homework at school then how good will they do when they have a job?

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What if your granddaughter were of driving age, and you gave her a car, and she took it out for a drive every night, but never told you what she was doing, where she was going, who she was seeing, and never let you come along. Would that be acceptable? Would you be suspicious?

She's 13 years old, so entitled to a little independence and privacy, but not online. She is not old enough to understand the dangers of being online, and could get into a lot of trouble from people posing as her own age when in fact they're adults preying on innocent teenagers.

Having a computer, like having a car, or having anything else other than basic necessities, is a privilege which you can revoke if she doesn't live by your rules. (She may be a very bright child and doesn't need to do homework, or she gets it done during school, so has little or none to bring home; since she's getting good grades, the amount of homework she has is less important.)

The computer should be in a public area of the house -- the living room and not her bedroom -- so that you can pop in and see what she's doing (but of course, she can always quickly shut down a site she knows you wouldn't approve of, so you need to be aware of this). I'd suggest an internet filter like BSafeOnline, which can let you block inappropriate websites, monitor her online activity, and allow internet access only at specified times of day. I think it will also email you a list of all the sites that your granddaughter has accessed (or tried to), and maybe even text of emails or other things. I've heard this filter as being highly recommended, but my kids can't even read yet, so we don't have it.

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Hi R. and Happy New Year!

The internet can be a very dangerous place for children. That being said, my advice is simple. She either gives you her password or she loses her priveledge to use the computer. It is for her safety and well being that you stand your ground on this.

I know that it must be difficult raising grandchildren in this era of technology, but I would truly suggest that you take some computer education classes or find a friend who is computer savvy to help you. You not only need to know what she is doing on the computer, but you need to put blocks and parental controls in place.

The people at Besy Buy or another electronics store might be able to assist you.

God Bless, S.

I'm sorry to say it but people she knows doesn't equal people you know are safe. So, unless she provides a password so you can supervise, I'd say pull the plug.

I've not only worked with children/teens who were placed in unsafe positions because of the internet- I was one myself. In a faceless environment, such as the internet, it's ALWAYS going to be better to err on the side of caution.

If you go to the websites, My space and facebook and read the FAQ - it will tell you what rights you have as the parent/guardian to accessing their site as well as closing down the accounts.

Not only should you have all the passwords to all online activity, but you should also lock your computer so you control every aspect of it. Also, you should only allow her a limited amount of time every day, 30 minutes is reasonable and then you can always renegotiate that if she shows responsiblity and maturity. I have a step-daughter who is now 15 and her mother allowed her to have a my space page at 13. She experienced cyber-bullying and also problems at school due to her page. I did sign up for my own page and she did add me as a friend. When her father saw some of the provocative pictures and writings, he was very upset and spoke with her mother who in turned closed out her account on My Space. You need to be completely aware of what the children are doing while on line!

Good Luck, it's going to be tough, but "tough love" is needed in todays world!

G.

That's easy. You're the adult in charge. Take the computer away completely. Once she's obedient and respectful enough to have earned it back, allow her limited access on a trial basis to prove herself only AFTER you install a stroke memory program. You can research those on the web. Also, Vicki Courtney mentions a few in her book "My Girl".

YOU are the parent, you will have the password...that is one of those "non-negotiables" in our family. If the child is a minor, I have the password. I have closed my son's myspace account a couple times for various infractions...the first time because he gave someone our home phone number and address!) I let him open a new account a couple months later and removed it again because of some "attitude" issues. He has a new account now,and is behaving more maturely about it...but he recently turned 16. I don't demand to know my 18 year olds account info...although since he does still live at home I could...but we have decided to give him that privacy. I have friends who allow their children to lie about their ages so they can get myspace/facebook before 14, but that is also a non-negotiable with me. My 10 year old daughter realy wants facebook since she sees me messing with it, but I refuse to allow her access to that until she is 14, and then that depends on her maturity level when that time comes.

With regard to the my space, you have access and passwords or the computer is gone...

First of all, you are a great "gram" for doing what you are doing! At 13, it is time to talk with her, if you haven't already, about the dangers of computers and stalker types out there. I agree with some of the others responses when they say if she won't let you have access, take the whole computer away. Give it back when she agrees that you have her password to myspace and facebook, and e-mail. You want to have access at all times just for safety reasons. The fact that she won't let you have them makes me suspicious that she is doing something wrong. The minute that she changes her password and you find that you can't log in, you will take it away again.
You can even get the school counselor to talk with her about these things if you are uncomfortable with it or feel like you don't have enough information to do it yourself.
Good luck!

No password = no computer. You need to get a blocking software & you can block those sites until she does give you her password. IMHO as long as she's your responsibility & in your home, you need to know what is going on in her life. Most all kids will say that but to them 'knowing' someone is someone they 'know' online, it's not always someone they can sit & have a coke with IN PERSON.

The internet IS a very scary place & although she may think she can deal with whatever on her own, it can be overpowering. So yes, you need that password & yes she'll probably hate you for it but too bad. We don't go into parenting, or grandparenting in this case, to be popular. And her computer time needs to be earned by her doing her homework & school work, regardless if she's getting good grades. Because once she hits high school & college it gets harder & often homework counts for a lot.

Best of luck to you & I admire you raising these children.

Hi R.,
If it's your home and your comoputer, you might want to rethink your right to passwords. I have a teenage boy who likes these things, too. When we give them freedom and then have to take it back because we have realized possible dangers or other negatives, teens can respond harshly. As my son said, "Mom, I would rather you give me little freedom and then add to it, over giving me more freedom and taking some away." Asking around, there are many teens who aren't even allowed a facebook account or online gaming! And many teens whose parents make it perfectly clear that they have rights to ' look in' on their activity from time to time to hold them accountable. Don't let your gdaughters scare you away from protecting them. It is your right and perhaps your duty to have access. Sheer inexperience makes them naturally vulnerable. And try to be kind and respectful when you do look in on them. Because these electronic friendships are such a huge part of their social network, you might consider helping them develop good friendships/activities in person to balance them out.

Dear R.,

You are correct to be concerned. There is no way that I would allow a 13 year old to be on the commputer if I couldn't be aware of where she is going online and with whom she is talking. There is software available to track kids' online activities. Just because she THINKS she knows the people she is talking with doesn't mean that is always the case. She needs to understand that your knowing is for her protection and that if you can't know then she can't be online. Just that simple. I can't imagine what it would be like to parent grandkids. It would definitely be best to set some ground rules and have them in place before you head back to work. Having that done will give you a much better frame of mind when you have to leave them for work. If you need to talk, I am here..We grandmas need to support one another too. :>)
Take care and God bless,
B. B

Speaking from experience, Get That Password!!!!!!!
My daughter was very upset when she found out that I had her password and was monitoring her activities online. What I stopped was here talking to someone in Alaska that wanted to meet her. We were able to track down the address and sent the police to talk to the guy. He turned out to be 16, but he could have been much older with very bad ideas about what he could do to my daughter. She was banned from the computer for 1 year.
Even tho she is now in college, I have people monitoring her websites. She posted something on one site about being suicial. The police from her college called me to try to find her. She is 4.5 hours away so you can imagine how upset I was when they called me. Everything is OK, she was just "playing". I gave her a piece of my mind about what her "Playing" did to my piece of mind. You can't be too careful when it comes to the internet. There are bad people on there in every website. Better safe than sorry.
Mom that's been there and was lucky,
W.

We required passwords for all computer access. Our kids are 18, 17, 16, 13 and 12. My husband and I have the log-in password for the computers. The three older kids have MySpace and Facebook pages, but the "rules" of the sites state that you have to be 14 or older to have a page. We stick to that even though many of their friend's parents don't.

We also require all of their passwords for email, MySpace and Facebook. Our oldest son is now graduated and in the Military. I don't require his passwords anymore however, no one is allowed on his laptop but him unless they are following the rules of all the other computers in the house - mainly no computers in the bedrooms. We alos have the rule that they must know all their "friends" in person before adding them to the MySpace or Facebook pages.

You are the adult and the authority figure in the house. You have the right to set whatever rules you deem necessary and the responsibility to know what your grandkids are doing on the computer.

She won't allow you to have her password; you shouldn't allow her computer use at home. She'll still do it at school, but hopefully they have filters in place to prevent the worst stuff. You should have filters in place too, that block bad content and a program that lets you know what websites she has visited. AOL has this capacity, and probably other internet providers too. Also, what if you made computer use contingent on her having an outside activity and actively participating in it? There will likely be fireworks when you lay down the law, but stand your ground. Good luck!

Facebook is a little more secure in my opinion than my space. However, you need to be able to check up on her and everything she does online. Passwords not just to these accounts but also any and all email addresses, instant message accounts, etc. You need to have the ability to do any online she does. This has to be a requirement for her to have the privilege of using the computer. If you don't have full access, neither does she. You need to keep track, not only of who she's talking to but also what kind of information she has out there: her address or phone obvuously but her school name, any groups or clubs she's in like band etc. An internet stalker/potential pediphile can use tiny bits of information to find out just about every about her and her family. Until you get access to her accounts try googling her name. You will probably be able to see what kind of info she has out there about herself at least.

An alternative to having her password is to get an account on Facebook/MySpace and become friends. I know on Facebook you can see her activity (it updates what your friends have been doing when you sign on). The only thing you can't monitor are her messages, but you can see what's been written on her wall, any pics loaded, etc. That's just a suggestion is you don't want to go the other route. However, I am a firm believer that computer,etc are priviledges and are done after work is completed. I do know that taking a harsh stand can sometimes blow up in your face (but being firm is different). Sounds like some ground rules need to be laid. And putting a password to log on to the computer is not a bad idea either. :) Good luck!

If she won't give you her my space password then take her computer away. obviously she doesn't need it for homework. Let her know you do trust her but its the poeple who stalk children and teens that you do not trust. She has already lied since you have to have a parent's permission if under 18 to start the account (I believe).

Hi R.,
I agree with what others have said about taking computer priveledges away until she gives you her password. I also think it's a good idea to set up your own accounts as well. My niece is 15 and on facebook and myspace and she claims she knows all 200+ friends she has aquired which I know otherwise. I have accounts on both to correspond with relatives far away but to also keep my eye on my neice. She accepted me as one of her friends but won't put me as one of her "top" friends cause that isnt cool of course to have your aunt as a top friend:) But it helps me see what she's up to. She also doesn't act like herself at all. She swears, acts tough and posts some provacative pics. She has a very rough homelife so I try to be there to check up on her. If things look down I txt her to see how she is doing. Also you might want to check the age allowance as I think it's illegal to have an account if your under a certain age. Good luck and God Bless you for being such a good Grandmother to your Grandkids!

Hi R., You do have valid reason to be concerned. There's a lot of yucky stuff out there. This book really helped me-Logged On and Tuned Out-there's also a website...www.loggedonandtunedout.com
By allowing her free access to the web w/o guidelines is like giving her the keys to your car and telling her to drive on the busiest highway. You wouldn't do that-no parent or grandparent would. Check the history on your computer and see what sites she's visited. A lot of appealing sites to this age group are less than wholesome. This is one area where there should be very strict rules-simply b/c whatever is said on "myspace" "facebook" and others can never be erased. A whole bunch of cyberbulling goes on, along with the whole stranger danger aspects. Follow your gut on this one. Remember, if she uses your computer and something happens you will be held liable. I don't mean to scare you-I just want you to be an informed grandparent. My Space & Facebook are not necessarily bad sites, but w/o supervision could lead to lots of trouble!
Hope this helps and doesn't repeat very much!
God Bless.

Privacy?? Not in my house, it isn't safe. If she won't allow you access to the password notify the websites of her email address and have her blocked. Would you let her go out for two hours and not tell you where she's been? Hang out with people you have never met, and who may be adults with not so moral characters? She may be doing nothing wrong at all but for her own safety you should know what she is up to. just my two cents

I agree with the password comments. I also would suggest that you get a page yourself. We did this and I can check into who my daughter is talking to without having to log on through her account, as long as your grandaughter adds you as a friend- you may find it as a way to connect in some way as she can help you set up your page and show you what is what. Also with face book you have the option of who can see information and my kids have to keep it set to friends only.
Homework, chores and then fun is the way our after school time works for us.
Best to you-

I'll echo the advice of several others. Pull the plug unless she gives you the password, limit her time on the computer, make sure you are in the vicinity when the computer is in use.
I'm hard core, old-fashioned, with kids and grandkids. No homework done, no household chores complete, bad grades, secretive about friends, not involved with any activities or hobbies, these are all possible red flags, not to be ignored.
Take away the phone privileges if necessary, and even the music. I would urge you to use a little "tough love", because if she's doing these things at 13, by 16 it's bound to be much worse (if not before).
If she gives you too much hassle, also consider counseling.
You have an opportunity NOW to prevent more serious problems later on. IMHO there is NO reason for a 13 year old to be allowed to spend time on the computer, the phone, listening to music when they exhibit no accountability or responsibility for other things. They should EARN the privileges!!
Be a super gram to your precious girls, don't be afraid to parent them, love them unconditionally, and you'll reap the benefits later on, and so will they!! Best of luck to you, and thank God those girls have a gramma who cares.

No password, no computer. Make sure the computer is not in her room. Make sure it is out in the living room or kitchen or wherever you can keep an eye on it. Also, why don't you set up a Facebook or MySpace page? It's not hard to do and then you can keep a check on what's on her homepages.
Best wishes to you!

Hi R.,
You need to put your foot down honey.I don't know all the particulars of your family dynamics, but it sounds like you may be giving up your control to a 13 year old. Don't let her manipulate you like that. Make it to where she is unable to even use the computer, and/or put blocks on all sites except for the ones you approve of, unless she gives up the passwords to you. That is not asking too much. She is 13, not 18, her internet habits and behaviors need to be monitored. There are too many child predators out there ready and willing to corrupt a child of that age. And also there are some pretty racy and inappropriate my space pages, even for me and I'm almost 40. Does she pay the internet bill, the electric bill? I think not, even if she did, it's still your house and your rules. Don't let her make you feel guilty for protecting her. One day she'll understand when she has kids. She'll get over it. Stand firm....be strong!
M.

the rule around our house is you might get a myspace at 15 if you show me you are responsible, and I have to know your password until you are 16. Over 16 I will be on your friends list and have full access to your page. If I think it is inappropriate it comes down. My house, my rules, don't like 'em? You don't have to have a computer.

I would first say, "you either give me your password or you do not have access to a computer any longer"...YOU are the parent! Set the example now. Then, I would put a block on your computer, maybe a site that you could google for blocking bad things from kids. I would not let her on Myspace, I think it has many, many more bad things and ppl for her to find than on Facebook. Get yourself an acct and see what you think. I googled 'safe website blockers for kids' and several came up for you to try. She is not old neough to be telling you what she is and isn't going to do.

She lives in your house and therefore by your rules. If she "doesn't allow" you to have her password access then you certainly don't have to allow her to use your computer in your home....
She has to know that it is for her protection but really won't understand that until she is grown...then she will appreciate you for it.
I would get her involved in good works and church activities to keep her busy. Maybe even encourage her to do some tutoring on the side or be a "big sister" role model to someone who needs it in order for her to understand how it feels to "be responsible" for someone else's well being...
She needs to know that in this economy she will need a strong education and extra cirricular activities on her resume to get a decent job....that might help her get out of her little world and thinking more towards her future.

R.,

You need to check up on her computer/phone use. My daughter was using those to arrange pick-ups from friends. I didn't realize she was sneaking out at night and partying until it had been going on for about 8 months. Not saying they're all doing that but, you need to know.
As for school -- my daughter's incredibly bright and always aced classes without doing homework except for the few who made it a large part of her grade. She even passed finals and EOCs without attending (it was the attendance issued that made her fail). There isn't much you can do about homework, if the teacher doesn't make it count. It becomes a little more difficult to get by like that in college because they don't review everything.But if she's smart, she'll figure it out.

not to sound to rude, but tell her either she gives you what you need to access her web pages then shes not allowed on the computer. and check it regularly. very dangerous stuff. adults pose as kids and just chat with them.and kids dont realize that just telling someone where you go to school at is enough for a predator to find them.

A quick question, do you have a myspace? If you don't ask her to help you create one, then request (thru myspace) to be her "friend." Do the same with facebook. This will allow you acsess to veiw her page, her friends, her comments, but not her personal emails. This may be a good step to basically asking her permission to invade her privacy in a not so invasive way. You may want to encourage homework and other activities by trading computer and phone time for good practices and behavior. Maybe if the limit is two hours of computer a day, if she devotes an hour eacch afternoon to homework you'll give her a half an hour computer time. Or if there is anything she might be remotely interested in (school activities or local community events or activities, check around thru your local chamber of commerce, city council or ymca, boys and girls clubs...) tell her if she picks something and sees it thru you will give her and extra hour of comp/ phone time on Saturday or something. That said, the same works in reverse as well. No homework time = way less computer time. Maybe you could find something her and a friend could do together, something a one time/day fun class at a community college, like pottery making or an art or computer class.

I wishh yopu the best of luck and a Happy New Year!
A.

R.,

I am the mother of an 11 year old with a my space page, however, I have her password and the email address is her father's address. Any person that wants to be her friend or talk to her has to go through him. My space also sends him a message if any emails or messages are passed between our daughter and her friends. My advice to you is to tell your granddaugther that she will no longer be allowed on the computer if she does not provide you with her password. I am not an advocate for imposing in my children's privacy, however, in this day and age it is our job has parents to protect our children. I hope this helps and good luck to you.

Password protect your computer and don't let her back on it until you know her password. Tell her that she doesn't need to be saying or doing anything online that her grandmother cannot see and if she is to stop. Kids want their privacy, but there are too many online predators out there and you have to make sure she is not getting in over her head. 13 year olds are a prime target for online predators because the penalties in many states go down when the child turns 13. So, many predators target 13 year olds. Good luck with this!

The fact that she won't "allow" you would not be an option for me. You are in charge of a thirteen year old and if your not there is a problem. I would obtain the password and randomly check her sites. If she has a problem with that then she would not use the computer. It is as simple as that. There is to much out there for you not too. Predators are just waiting to grab hold of the right child and expose them to the wrong things.
It is a scary world and a 13 year old may think they have all the right answers but they don't. It is our job as parents to protect them as much as possible. Good luck...

Hi R.,
You are the parent here, so you take control! Get that password or don't let her use the computer! I think you can even get the password without her knowledge by installing software that records every keystroke on the computer.

Another mamasource mom asked a similar question not too long ago - here's the info I gave her:
A police officer who works specifically to stop crimes against kids via the internet came and talked to our community group at church about this topic. I have been hunting high and low for the information he gave us but was not able to find it. I did find a couple of brochures that he handed out - I'd be happy to scan them and email them to you if you want to send me a private message with your email address. Also, he recommended a program called "Mandiant Web Historian" which I think is for keeping track of what web sites have been visited on your computer. He also said that there is a video on the internet put out by John Walsh (the America's Most Wanted host whose son went missing and was never found) that talks about kids and strangers vs. non-strangers. The project that this police officer is involved with is called delete online predators (www.deletepredators.com). Other websites mentioned in their brochures are www.NetSmartz.org and www.ikeepsafe.org. Hope this is helpful to you! Best of luck!
Cyndi

is she otherwise a good kid? if so dont worry about it. or if you are worried set up your own account become friends with her so you can see her list of friends. if theres some one on there you dont know ask her about it. they also have days where parents can sign on and see who the kids are chatting with which i think is a total invasion of privacy but who know... good luck