Nothing Is Ever Enough for My 12 Year Old, So Frustrated!

Read the 5 languages of love. His way of feeling loved is from getting gifts. It's frustrating for those of us who feel love other ways but this one is hard. They often don't feel like they're loved at all because they are seen as greedy and selfish. But in reality they feel love from that person when they get a gift.

Come up with a way he can earn money to buy the items he wants....

Extra chores, stuff like that.

That way, when he asks, all you have to do is say "Do you have the money to buy it?"

That will also help him realize that some things are more desirable than others......

Can you sit down and think objectively about your family as a whole? I'd try to look at the family as an outsider might. Is it possible that overall, he's the kid who gets a bit less attention than his siblings, for whatever reasons? Does he have a sibling who's a standout in some way (academics, sports, etc.) who gets attention for that, and/or a sibling who gets attention because that sibling needs more help with things somehow? It's possible that son "four of five" gets a bit (unintentionally!) lost in the mix if he has brothers who need more help or stand out more. This is NOT some fault of yours; it's just family dynamics, but it can result in a kid who does whatever he can to draw your attention--even if what he does gets your "negative attention." Negative attention (yelling, disciplining, etc.) is still a form of attention, period. It seems strange to an adult, who might think, "Why on earth would he annoy me to get my attention? Why not do nice things etc. to get it??" but to a child's mind, things don't work that way all the time.

So...think about whether this is not only about greed for stuff but about pushing your buttons enough that he gets yelled at and he's cool with being yelled at....On a certain level this may indeed be about "keeping up with the Joneses" and having and doing what other kids have and do. But I'd suggest the following:

Talk with him, as others suggested, about how this is both bad manners and hurts you; you feel like you're seen only a source of Stuff. Be gentle about the talk. Do not have the talk when he has just been asking for stuff; choose another, calmer time and have the talk alone or with dad there -- no brothers around. Don't make it about "you're so bad to do this" but about "When you do this, I feel...."

Then when he begs, ignore him. Or give him the cold stare: It can be very effective, with a child who is used to hearing you yell, to go VERY quiet instead of yelling! It can shock the kid a bit. He asks. He expects you to argue against him or even to yell. But instead, you stop and look at him. He will flounder and then you can say very quietly, "I'm waiting." He will figure out that it's time to stop talking.

And most of all, give him extra one-on-one attention when he's not expecting it and not asking for anything -- catch him being good, take him to do something together when he has not ever asked for it, etc. Be sure to focus on activities the family can do together, not on purchased objects.

Find things to praise him for: Schoolwork, something he did for a brother, a chore well done. You may have to go out of your way to do this and may praise him for things you feel he should just DO as a matter of course: "Why should I give him extra praise for taking out the trash? Geez, he's supposed to do that anyway!" But if he's pretty good about remembering it, and doesn't fuss about doing it, tell him you see that and appreciate it. This will sink in if you do it consistently.

Controlling your own reactions is tough, I know! But it's crucial here. That's why going very quiet and cool when your natural reaction is to yell and get heated about it can really get HIS attention. Talk to him like the near-teen he is and show you expect him to understand; go cold when he asks, not hot; and praise him and find ways to give him positive attention unrelated to the begging.

I have a 7 year old like this. He is extremely outgoing and active and wants to be on the move at all times. He's always thinking of the next thing he wants to do. If he had it his way, he'd do 8 things in one day, because he loves to stay active and gets an idea in his head and wants to do it immediately. I don't consider it a problem with gratitude. I know he appreciates all that he gets to do. I am working on explaining that we need to plan outings and can only do one or two things in one day. He's learning that we can set a day and time and he can wait until then. It might be more of an issue with time management and maturity. My daughter used to do this too and now understands that we can't do everything she wants to do as soon as the thought pops in her head. It took her a while, but she learned that we usually can plan for it and make it happen. They also both know that they are responsible for coming up with the money to buy any toys they want, so if they want something right away, they either have to borrow from each other or wait to get it. I have noticed that has really helped with their expectations about buying things.

I would consider this wanting in part as not necessarily wanting an item perse (although it comes as such) but could be a few things.. one, maybe he loses interests quickly and tends to want to move on to the next thing. Two, it might be his way of needing some extra attention and maybe the way he tries to soothe that feeling is with something material... (many adults do this all the time) whether it's with food or shopping or what have you..
My son, although he doesn't ever ask for much, what he does do is we'll be on vacation for example and while on it, he'll already begin to talk about our next vacation.. Or when it's Halloween, he'll already be talking about how we will decorate for Christmas.. his mind has ALWAYS been ahead of himself...
What I do with my son is try and get him to focus on the present moment... I talk to him about his feelings.. which is what I would do with your son.. Ask him about these needs.. when my son begins to focus on yet another "future" place or thing, I have to bring him back into the present moment...
now, I only have one child ... so he isn't vying for attention, but I well imagine with more than one, a child at some point might feel they aren't getting their needs met.. try and view this as more of an emotional need than that of material.. IF you were to ask an adult whom for example had a shopping addiction if the material things fill the void for long, most would say no.... I am wondering if your son is just trying to fill a void of some sort, but in his case, whether it's emotional or material, either way he has to go to you.. at least for now...
definitely sit him down (alone) and talk about his feelings... I approach this in a gentle manner..

good luck

I urge you to read the 5 Languages of Love, per Gamma G's post. how unfortunate for your son that you are putting the responsiblity of your relationship on his shoulders. He's 12. that's tough responsibility.... to know that you are not what your mom wants, but it's not something you can control.... because it's just who you are.

I urge you to see this from HIS point of view.... not your point of view.

I don't think this is anything you "did" or anything you can "undo" because it's just how your son *is*. It's unfortunate that you are letting it ruin your relationship with him.

Please re-think how you see your son. And more importantly, who is responsible for the relationship you have with him.

You control your responses. Stop yelling at him. Stop refusing to take him places. These are not mature reactions of a loving mother. If that's how you want to be... then continue. But, if you want to get to know your son.... then stop treating him poorly and comparing him to the rest of your children. Start having CONVERSATIONS with him and teaching him how to communciate his needs. And start responding to him differently - in a way that fulfills his needs instead of what you are giving him now.... which is tearing him down.

I wish you both peace.

Does he get an allowance? If not, maybe you should think about it - it will give him some spending money and he can practice spending vs. saving. Then if he asks for something, ask him if he has the money for it - and if the answer is no, it is no.

Also, have you ever just sat down with him when you are calm (rather than in the heat of the moment) and told him how it makes you feel? Maybe he needs to be made aware of how much you do already and he doesn't need to keep asking for something else, but without you getting worked up about it when it's actually happening.

My daughter just turned 6 and she has a tendency to do this too - I think it's just her age and not having much perspective, and living "in the moment." But then I have to gently remind her that we just did XYZ, she just got XYZ for her birthday, etc. and that will need to be enough for now. We just got back late last night from a week-long beach vacation and this morning she was asking me if we were going to do anything fun today - I told her flat-out NO...we were tired, and we needed to spend time unpacking and grocery shopping and getting ready to go back to work tomorrow.

If he is just asking, that's one thing...if he's pestering you about it, or pitching a fit because he isn't getting his way, he needs to be disciplined for it. Maybe he needs to lose a favorite item or activity for a while whenever he acts up over not getting "extras". It's also a good opportunity to talk to him about wants vs. needs. Try to look at it as a learning experience for him, rather than just annoying behavior you have to nip in the bud. If it's just a matter of him being greedy, maybe some volunteer work at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen will do him some good.

You have 5 boys. That's a lot of kids. I wonder how much attention he gets if he isn't trying to GET your attention. You tell us here that you yell at him, you NEVER give him anything. I'm sorry, but in my view, it seems to me that you treat him differently than your other kids. He's the more difficult one and you let him know just how much he annoys you.

Instead of yelling at him, why don't you sit down with him and TALK to him? And why is it wrong for him to ASK you for something? You don't know how lucky you are that he isn't DEMANDING something, throwing tantrums and screaming and kicking like some kids do.

You say that you get so upset that you don't want to be around him and you refuse to take him anywhere. The problem is really YOU, not this child. When you decided to have 5 kids, did you REALLY think they'd all be the same? You've doomed this child to always be so aware that you don't like him that he will act out more and more.

Go talk to a counselor and get ahold of yourself before you have a real problem TEEN on your hands. If you don't think that treating your son differently from all his siblings and treating him the way you do will end up costing you in the long run, you are wrong. There are moms on THIS site whose adult children will NOT talk to them. I wonder sometimes if they learned their lesson. I hope you will learn before that happens to you.

Ah!
The gimme, get me, buy me's!
Every kid will try it at one point or another.
I was horrible with getting spontaneous gifts for our son till he was about 4 yrs old.
Then I started scaling it back.
When he asked for something I'd say I'll keep it in mind for his birthday or Christmas.
He started asking less and less.
If he asked for something really outrageous, I'd laugh and say I'd like to win a really big lottery but I don't see that happening anytime soon either.
He still asks occasionally but it's really rarely, much more reasonable and he says it's for birthday or Christmas.
Try not to get upset about it - just laugh it off as you say no - and tell him he's REALLY going to have to get a good education and a high paying job so he can afford to buy and maintain all the toys he wants.
Then make him go clean and/or organize the things he already has.

It was like that recently for my 12-year old. She is constantly asking for stuff, acting like we "owe" it to her to take her places and do things for her, etc. She used to act very spoiled, then it seemed like she stopped for a while, and now it's back. She can be very demanding, and she gets super upset if she can't have her way.

What we've done is we make her earn everything. If she wants something, she needs to have earned the money to buy it. If she wants to to somewhere, then she has to earn it first by doing her share of the work around the house. Not extra work, just her share. I'm not going to drive her to the mall to meet her friends if she hasn't completed her chores.

If she gets into the BEGGING mode (and I would certainly call it begging) then she gets ignored until she can speak more respectfully.

By helping around the house, she gets to see that it's hard for us, as parents, to do everything. She also sees that our time is valuable too. Once in a while I will negotiate with her. For example, her friends called up and wanted her to come over in 1 hour. I would have to drive 30 minutes there and 30 minutes back, so an hour of my time gone and she wouldn't have time to complete her chores before we had to leave. So she said she'd do extra that night, and she did!

I think it's important for kids to learn that they are part of a family, not the center of the universe. As parents we sometimes make the mistake of making them the center of our universe. I do things for my daughter all the time. I just get a little more strict about her helping out when she starts to get demanding.

I would teach him how to earn what he wants.

"Well, Son, how much does that thing cost? How would you earn the money? What else would you give up for it? Do you really need it or is it just something that looks cool?"

I would also look at other things. Is it just materials or is it things like not being able to hold back from taking another snack, or wait in line or whatever? Look for ways to teach him perseverance and patience.

He may fight back, but stay calm. If you say no, you won't just give it, maybe he'll come up with a plan.

When my SS was 17 he lamented that he was losing his childhood by being forced to work. When he was 18 we made him learn to drive - or get other transportation. He had a way to school and work and beyond that he could take the bus, get a friend to drive him, etc. OUR taxi days were over. It took a few months til he was motivated to renew his learner's permit and work it out. Whenever he started looking for a ride, we just laid out that sure, we could take him x place, but he'd have to wait for our schedule. Or no, look up the bus schedule.

You can also preface outings with, "You often ask for things when we go out. I am NOT buying anything and you are not to ask. I will ignore any requests and if you continue to harass me about it, then x will happen (like losing a privilege or another item)."

He's 12. Nuff said :)

My son is 10 & has recently started acting the exact same. I was also getting frustrated & yelling more than I should . Now , I'm trying a new approach... " ignore bad behavior". We'll see how it goes.

When my kids ask for stuff, my first question back to them is "do you have enough money for it?" Usually the answer is "no" in which case, the conversation is over. If they DO have the money, we'll have a discussion about what they want, do they REALLY want it, are they willing to spend their own money for it, etc. If they really, truly want it, and have enough money to pay for it themselves, I'll take them at MY convenience to get it.

As you can imagine, I don't spend TOO much time taking them to get things.

*Necessary* things, of course, I WILL get for them. If all their socks have holes in them, I'll get them new socks. But if they want that new Xbox game - well, that's on them, no way I'm paying for THAT!

I also suggest that he earn the money to buy what he wants. He's definintely old enough to learn how hard money can be to come by and to prioritize his "wants."

I would sit him down and give him a chart of extra chores and what they are worth. Tell him he no longer comes to you and says "this is what I want." From now on, he decides that he wants, how much it costs and then earns the money to buy it. When he sees that he worked for four weeks and spent all the money in one lump sum on something, he may think harder about what he wants and whether or not he REALLY wants it. If so, earn the money. If not, move on.

From now on, it's not "I want" but it's "I'm earning the money to buy..."

Two suggestions (which may have been already suggested by others :) --

Schedule some one-on-one time with him, doing something fun that he likes to do. Could be playing the Wii, or going geocacheing, or a bike ride together or watching (and talking about!) a favorite TV show. Schedule doing something like this at least 2x per month, or even weekly.

Second, sit down and talk to him about this. He's 12, and becoming a young man. Don't be emotional, and pick a time when he's calm and in a decent mood, if at all possible. Tell him that you notice these things (DO NOT make it a criticism), and you'd like to try to troubleshoot this with him. Ask his help in solving this (I wouldn't label it as a "problem" because it's not really a problem, per se). Ask him some ideas on what might help (maybe making a wish list, some of which could be total fantasy items, like getting a Corvette when he's 16, and some could/should be do-able), and then come up with a plan for and with him to be able to afford some of his "wish" items. This means that you need to explain that while you wish you could give him everything he asks for, it is simply not possible to do that, and still be able to pay the mortgate, car insurance, for his extracurriculars, etc. Treat him like an adult and ask him to understand the basics of the family budget. Then, ask him to come up with some suggestions for how he can earn money toward his items on his wish list. Do not dismiss any ideas at first; just write them all out. Once you have a few ideas, go through and talk about the pros & cons of them and any other realities that might make them more or less likely to be viable solutions. Then, pick one or two to implement, and follow through with him on his progress. You can of course, also give him some "seed money" for his wish list items, but make sure you set a limit (as part of the budget) and that he knows it, and that his continuing asking is not going to help or do much besides irritate you.

I highly recommend "How To Talk So Your Kids Will Listen" as a good book to help with these communications/parenting issues.