My oldest son is 4 and anywhere and everywhere we go he says I want this or I want that. My husband and I don't give in but try and redirect him by saying yeah thats really cool but Christmas is coming up, or yeah that is really nice but you already have tons of toys. How do you explain to your child that they dont need anything and everything they see. I reallly think it is a phase but it is starting to get old and actually hurt my feelings b/c I feel like maybe I dont give him enough attention so he thinks he needs more of something. For the record my husband and I do work out of the house full time, I take him to school and pick him up. Our time in the morning and in the evening is limited but he does get our attention and he gets special time with us before bed. Any advise is greatly appreciated.
P.S. We do as a family donate to Toys for Tots and have for the past couple of years so he understands that there are kids out there that dont have toys and he loves to pick out toys for that and also they do many "helping hands" donations at his school through out the year so he gets that part.
There's a Berensten Bears episode that deals with The Gimmes. It helped us. When he would ask for something, I'd ask if he had a case of The Gimmes. Before heading to a store, I'd warn him not to have a case of the Gimmes. I still tell my son (7.5) "You are not getting O. thing at this store so please don't even ask."
I had to laugh a little because when I am out and about, especially at the mall I always think to myself “Oh I want those cute shoes” or “I want that purse, those jeans, that great color lipstick”! LOL!!!! I never buy any of them unless I’m at Kohls and really do need a new pair of shoes =-)
Kids are no different really.
You are teaching him that you can’t have everything you see/want. That is a great lesson because as he gets older, like me, he will still see things he wants but will have self-control.
Don’t feel guilty Mom! All kids are like that as well as all of us right? He’s only 4. What you are doing now is teaching him. What may also be good is taking him to volunteer to give toys to kids that are less fortunate or walk into the store and show your son one of those boxes that asks for donations like Toys for Tots. Tell him you will be buying a toy and have him put it in the box and explain that it will go to a child, just like him, that doesn’t have any toys.
My 4 y/o now asks me to buy a toy to put in the box or for coins to put in collection box to donate to Children's hospitals =-)
Its not just a phase, so how you teach him to handle it now is key. The episode of the Berensten Bears mentioned below is really good. This time of year I use 'the Christmas list'. Whenever we go somewhere I tell my kids whether or not they will be allowed to get something. If yes, then how much, usually around a few bucks. If no, then no.
That doesn't stop them from asking, but now the say things like 'Mom, can you put that on my list?' we write it down, then I go on Target.com or Amazon.com and actually create the list so that they know that I'm not just pulling their leg. They also know that the list is a list of ideas and that just because its on the list doesn't mean they'll get it.
Even when they are watching tv and see a commercial, they'll yell 'mom, come put this on my list!'
My son does the same thing, but I try to ignore sometimes or re-direct, knowing that they don't understand that not everything they see is up for grabs. I think you are explaining too much and it is going right thru his ears. Just say "No, not right now" or "no, you cannot have that". The whining will start, but he will understand in time that no means no. I think when you put explanations to the request you are indeed entertaining more "I want, I want" because they get the impression they can negotiate. For an older kid, you can explain more why, but a 4yr old doesn't need to question why you as the parent decide that something he wants is not good for him.
When it is something that he wants and I really can give it, I say "when you get home" or after you clean up your toys, then you can have xyz, etc. I allow him to "earn" what he wants instead of letting him think that mommy can give him everything he asks for.
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My son was just doing this to me yesterday - he is 2.5. When he said, I want this (he had no idea what it even was). I said, yea, that is really cool, I wish I could get that for you, oh, isn't this cool, and this, oh, and I really like this too. We then say good bye to the things and move on. This usually works for us....but he is 2.5. Luckily, I was buying something and he latched onto that....I may have to share it with him now.
dont' let it make you feel guilty mom...my daughter used to say that all the time, and still with every commercial, either she wants to get it for me or wants it herself..i just flat out tell her the truth, it costs money and that's something i don't have right now, etc
if you let these comments make you feel guilty you might as well go get a loan and buy him a yat.....he's just begining
No more TV with commercials. It's really funny, but when I asked my 3 YO what she wanted for her bday, she didn't know - and only then I realized that, because we do not watch ANY TV commercials with her, she doesn't even know the latest "must haves" out there.
I love it!
Hi J., the two 'redirection' examples you gave here are not actually redirections. You need to completely ignore the request/behavior and completely change the subject in order for that theory to work.
Keep that up and eventually if you REALLY stick to it and NEVER EVER not even once buy him a thing because he asks for it, you're right, the phase will pass.
Good Luck!
I remember when my son was about 2.5 and we had a limited funds I would say to my son that I didn't know if we could afford the x. Many times I could but I didn't want him to think that just because he saw and said he wanted it he should get it. One day we were in the store and he came to me with a toy in hand and asked if we could this? I said we could and we bought it but it was nice to know that he got the message and asked about it in a big person way.
So there are ways to curb the wants. Just like others said we have to teach them to wait for self gratification otherwise they want everything yesterday and that can't happen. No child deserves to have everything on their want list even if mom and dad can buy it. I used to get the Christmast toy catalogues and give each child a crayon and let them mark everything they wanted and hubby and I would go over the list and decide what they should get. The kids had no way of knowing what item(s) they would get only that they would get something. They were some of the best holidays I can remember when they got something and were happy about it and no complaints.
Just put a dollar amount to it and when you reach it then you are done. No credit card payments to worry about until September of next year.
The other S.
My son is the exact same way. He is getting close to 7 now and he is still like this. It drives me crazy. Now that he is older we tell him he needs to save his own money for those things he wants and this makes him think more about what he really wants to spend his money on. But honestly, he has not changed at all with always wanting things. It must be a personality type.
When you tell him "Yes, that's cool, BUT…," you have, in effect, told him his wish is not legitimate. Our wants; yours, mine, and the baby's next door; are legitimate – we don't choose them so much as they choose us. We're stuck with them, until we figure out how to handle them.
So teach your son how to deal with his completely normal unmet desires, rather than discounting them. This is a multi-step process that can be approached from several directions.
First, be sure he's not just hungry, thirsty, tired, or overscheduled. If he has unmet needs in those areas, all his other wants will feel more like needs to him.
Second, empathize with him. Get into the desire he's expressing as if you were a kid with the same wish. "Wow, look at those wonderful (details) on that (item)! I love that." Or "Oh, yes, I wanted one just like that when I was little." Once he feels understood, some of the urgency will disappear from his request.
Then start to shift his attention away from right now. "Wouldn't it be cool to have that toy under the Christmas tree? I'll help you write it on your Wish List." or "You know, you could do some extra chores for the next few weeks and earn 10 stickers for that."
Another tack: Plan ahead. BEFORE you take him anywhere, lay out your expectations. You can be very clear that he will not be getting a treat this trip, because it's just a quick run for milk and bread. (You might wish to bring a small refreshment or toy with you from home.) Or, if you'll need him to be on good behavior for a longer time, tell him he can pick out ONE item only for ($) or less, if he helps you shop. Have him agree to this – a verbal contract. He will agree, because he'll be eager for his treat.
While shopping, ask him to find a few simple items he can hand you or drop in the cart. If he begs for everything, and he will at first, just smile and remind him of his agreement. A hundred times, if necessary. Stay calm and cool, and expect his very normal repeated requests. A phrase that always served well for me was, "Sweetie, the answer was no last time, is no this time, and will be no every single time you ask." If he starts leaning toward a tantrum, which could happen if he's tired, hungry, or otherwise at the end of his emotional rope, be prepared to abandon the trip and quietly take him home. You won't have to do that too often with most children.
Finally, be aware that if you or Dad give in often to your own impulses, at home or in public, he'll be seeing that as model of how the world ought to work for him, too. So live by the principles you want him to learn. Kids learn best from example, and parental double standards are, quite reasonably, infuriating. A good example "takes" more slowly than yelling or correcting, but takes for good.
Good luck, J., and stay calm. Your hurt over this is normal, and it's wonderful that you are looking at your daily patterns to make sure they are as healthy as possible. And your son is just doing what he's emotionally wired to do. The world is full of so many goodies, and he doesn't yet fully comprehend why he can't have them all. He'll learn if you're calm, loving, and consistent.
We treated that as rule. We never got any kids in the habit of getting things at stores. Their gifts are from friends or once in a while we'll give them a surprise treat AT HOME or for a birthday. At this point, it wouldn't occur to them they COULD point at something and get it, but when they occasionally say "I want this" we can politely say, that's really nice, but it's not your birthday" in a friendly tone, or, "That is something you could save you money for, it's really nice, come on let's go" or, just plain "no" and they would know not to keep pushing or we would say, "That's enough" calmly, and they would never press it past that, because they have been warned and a consequence would soon follow, but honestly, it's never even come to that. Sometimes they even get something small if they ask and it doesn't get out of control. Just be firm and confident. Let him know that from now on if he says "I want" after he's been told "no" his consequence will be x, and follow through. It's a basic manners skill he needs to learn. Fun at the store should be having fun together at the store. We have a blast even if all we buy is dish soap at the end of the trip. You can have that once he learns to behave well.
