Not Typically Something I'd Ask

Updated on October 19, 2011
J.H. asks from Grain Valley, MO
17 answers

Okay, so I've asked two questions today (not typical) and I also would not normally ask this sort of question, but here goes. I had my dd four and a half years ago and I am a completely different person (also have a 10mo old son). Everything about me has to do with being a mommy and a wife. The job I have (I do love it) is a job I took so I could be a most of the time mommy...most of the friends I have are people I met with kids of similar age and we met at mommy outings (they're wonderful women). So when someone asks me, "what do you like to do for fun?" I truly have no answer. I have a couple of friends who have these hobbies/ activities that are totally for them and for them only and they spend quite a bit of time doing them. I have other friends who go out on lots of dates with their spouses. My hubby and I go out, but rarely. We find that when we make plans something happens with one of the kids and don't want to leave them. I guess this isn't much of a question, but I'm wondering are there others who feel like they've lost who they are and feel they are only mommy/ wife? I'm not saying I don't enjoy it. If I could, I'd stay home full time, it's when I'm happiest, but there are days I get overwhelmed and there's not much of an outlet.

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So What Happened?

Thanks for the responses. I actually feel a little better! In a funk tonight I guess. I really do love being a mommy/ wife; it's what I pride myself in being and when I'm truly my happiest. I just sometimes see others out a lot or doing different things and I guess started wondering if I had missed the mark or something. It sounds like maybe I haven't, that I'm right where I'm supposed to be and that's an awesome thing. Thanks fellow mommies! ;)

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A.V.

answers from Washington DC on

What I do for fun is hang out with friends and my family. There's nothing wrong with that. I do go out with friends occasionally on my own, but quite often my closest friends and I (who have kids) end up bringing the kids, too.

I don't feel like I'm just mom/wife, though. I guess the friends that I had pre-baby keep me feeling enough like ME that it's okay that I have limited social outlets right now.

I also volunteer a little, and work PT (at home though) so that helps.

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R.Y.

answers from New York on

I read all the time and do lots of crafts--both of those were long time hobbies. I love my kids but I need some time to myself to recharge.

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T.C.

answers from Colorado Springs on

What do I do for fun? Iron while watching a good movie. :)
I love to have people over for dinner and games. And we love to go to other people's homes as well to do the same. I despise the idea of going out with the girlfriends and hanging out at a bar or something. Yuck. Maybe a movie that my husband wouldn't want to see. Maybe. I'd just as soon wait until it comes out on Netflix and watch it while I iron. :) I love to be home! Seriously. We will occasionally go out to a restaurant with another couple. That is enjoyable. It isn't that I feel like I've lost who I am, but rather I have become who I am. I would never want to go back to my old life (which I can barely remember). I am not *only* wife/mommy. I *am* wife/mommy. And, I thank the Lord everyday for the privilege of these roles. He blesses me so much!

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P.K.

answers from New York on

When my kids were young, we had a big group of friends. This is what we
did. We formed "The Gourmet Club." Once a month we picked a country.
Then we created a menu and everyone had to make something from the
menu. If you hosted you did not have to cook. You also brought your own
drinks, wine, beer etc. Host provided water, soda etc. At the end of the
meal, everyone put in what it cost and then it was divided by the number of
couples. It was an inexpensive night out for adults only! It was a nice sit
down meal with wine glasses and water glasses etc. We did this for years.
We also never had to travel far. It rejuvenated us every time.

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M.M.

answers from Washington DC on

In 18 years of marriage and 22.5 years as a mom I have left my kids once with my husband. That was 6 weeks ago, and I was with one of my daughters at a girl scout camp out.
My life is my kids and my husband. Everything I do is for them.

I do not have any hobbies, passions, or outlets. I am the taxi, nurse, teacher, target. I also have 7.5 years left of this life. I dont' want to miss it for anything.

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R.J.

answers from Seattle on

I first made my profile when my son was 4. I've updated the ages, and added homeschooling, and alter the bottom all the time (except it hasn't let me 'edit my profile' in a month! Vexing)... but the top is essentially unchanged.

__________
__________
Full-time Mum to a wonderful (gulp) now 9 year old. (Hey!!...where did the time go??) Homeschooler. PT college student. PT teacher. PT artist. Ex many things. On-Hold many things. Excited about sooooo many things. 32, married, & in Seattle.
__________
__________

As he's gotten older (aka I have more TIME!!!) I've gotten to take SOME of the 'on-hold many things' OFF hold.

What did I do for fun when he was a baby? Sleep! Have sex! Go to the grocery store by myself!! And a lot, lot, lot, of kid stuff.

Which is what I usually told people "I'm mostly doing kid stuff right now. Looking forward to being able to incorporate x, y, z, again as he gets older and I have more time."

And I slowly, but surely, and sneaking them back in!!!

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J.V.

answers from Chicago on

About a month ago, I discussed starting a"serious" book club with a friend. We are already in a book club, but it isn't very serious, mostly just a MNO. I use to read -- a lot --and would like to tap into that old aspect of myself.

About the same time, hubby and I decided to have baby #3. When I told hubby about the book club, he just kind of laughed and said, "when are you going to have time for that, you have a hard enough time reading for your other club and those are fluff books!"

It's funny. On most days, I know I am living the life. I know I found my true calling. But sometimes, I do feel restless, I miss aspects of my old self that I haven't seen in a long time. Yet, I love the new me too.

Hubby and I have date night at home. It works for us. It's cheap, we can drink as much wine as we like without worrying about driving, etc. So almost every Friday I make a nice meal, we have some wine, and just hang out. It;s better than going out, since we love to just sit around and talk politics while drinking. Yes, it doesn't really start until 9 pm when the kids go to bed, but it works for us.

My whole life revolves around my new roles (free time is spent couponing, meal planning, cooking, gardening, etc.) Lots of friends tell me I need more "me time," but honestly, I don't. I just need more sleep! ;-) Funk days are usually due to being tired (and hormones).

What do I do for fun? Read with my kids, cook, garden. Some people see these things as chores, I see them as the fine details of life, as tending to my garden and corner of the world, making it a better place.

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S.K.

answers from Dallas on

I totally know what you mean too! And what I've noticed is that as busy as life has gotten with 2 kids, one being an infant who is not sleeping through the night yet, my husband still retains his hobbies. He's into fantasy sports so he goes to his fantasy football draft each year, keeps up with his fantasy teams online, watches games to keep up with his players, etc. Sometimes it irks me, but it is what it is. I firmly believe that even in this modern era, on some not-super-deep levels men and women are still so different. Men, even those who are awesome husbands and fathers like mine, kind of add kids and family life to their list of life's obligations. We women totally immerse ourselves, these roles wrap us up completely. Sometimes that wrap is comforting and warm and feels like the perfect fit and other times its binding. But its just the way we are made. Try to appreciate that about yourself and be proud of it, but respect the variations of it too! Maybe there's something you already do that you could tweak to become more of a hobby. For me this is cooking - I've always liked to cook but there are days when I cook because I have to do to feed my family and other times when I look at it as a hobby. I experiment, try new things, and in the process I'm still fulfilling my role as "the best cooker in the whole house" as my 3 year old says :) You're a mom and a wife. You are awesome.

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L.C.

answers from Houston on

Totally. I think it comes with the territory. I started reading The Girlfriends Guide to Getting Your Groove Back, until I realized it's for moms with older kids than I have.

I used to scrapbook. Pictures now sit in piles and I am so behind there's no point in trying to catch up. In fact, I'm really behind getting pictures printed.

My husband and I had this conversation the other night. I don't do anything just for myself. I hope this is just a phase that I'm going through because all my kids are so young. I'll have more time and patience for myself one day, or so I keep telling myself :)

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V.W.

answers from Jacksonville on

Yes, I feel like that sometimes. Part of it is because the things I enjoy are very solitary type things usually. And they also take large chunks of time, which I rarely have anymore. I love to read. But I don't like to read for 20 minutes here or there. I like to sit with a book, snuggle into the sofa with a blanket and some chocolate or chips, and read for HOURS. Seriously. I think I read Ken Follett's 'World Without End' in a week. Mostly at night. I am now trying to read "The Hangman's Daughter" (which is in a similar vein) but am getting frustrated, because I have to keep putting the book down when I am not ready to.
I also enjoyed dabbling in watercolors. But that is time consuming to sketch, dry/stretch your paper, paint, and clean up.... I don't have uninterrupted time to do any of it. So it stays up on the shelf in the closet.
I bought a sewing machine last year thinking I would start some smaller projects around the house and learn to sew. And make a quilt for my daughter's bed. Ironing and cutting the blocks was SUCH a HUGE project, and I still haven't got the thing put together. :(
So, yeah... I pretty much do the shopping, and the laundry, and the homeschooling stuff, and make meals and clean the house and take the dog to the vet and the kids to karate, etc.... and try to enjoy it all the best I can (and some days I really DO), and squeeze in dinners out with my husband and other couples.
My husband has always tried really hard to give me "fun" days where he does dinner with the kids --like just yesterday--- around 2:30, said.. hey.. why don't you call your friend and ya'll go do something. I can do dinner for the kids and you can go do whatever. Ya'll go eat somewhere or see a movie, or whatever.. ? Ok. Sure. I did, and it was fun. :) But, I was booted out of my house, lol. Can't paint in the car, or curl up on the sofa, or work in the yard, when I'm not home.... ya know?
So, yes, I know what you mean. One day the kids will be independent though, and I'll start getting some of my mojo back. lol

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P.M.

answers from Portland on

My very most favorite activity in the world is spending a whole day (or two or three!) with my grandson. And I simply adored being with my daughter when she was young, too.

I love doing all sorts of art, gardening, reading, dancing, listening to music, going for walks, sewing, and ALL sorts of other things, too. But being with a growing child, really being with him/her/them, watching, listening, laughing, loving, teaching and learning, is about as much genuine fun as I can even imagine.

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S.L.

answers from Boston on

I totally understand what you are asking/saying here in this post. There are days when I feel like "just" a mommy and/or wife. I can't really say I have any "hobbies" either. There are lots of things I love to do but I'm not sure I would call them hobbies. I love to read (even though it may be only a page a night because I can't keep my eyes open!), have dinner with girlfriends, go on dates with my husband, hang out with family, exercise (this one makes me laugh though, because I actually do like exercising but I just can NEVER find the time to go to the gym!), cook (more than just mac & cheese!).... oh and then there's my embarrassing interest in reality tv (there I said it!).
My husband is a huge support system when I it comes to doing things for myself or providing opportunities for us to go out alone. Even when money is tight at times he will suggest we go out to dinner and my immediate response is "but.....". He will stop me and remind me that just because things are tight this month doesn't mean he's going to let our marriage suffer because of it. We can afford one dinner out alone - even if its not at a super romantic, pricey restaurant. Finding "me time" is super important and I've learned that over the past 3 years (I have 3 year old twins). "Me time" can be doing something by yourself, like taking a bath, going shopping, getting your nails done, etc.. Or it can be spent with your husband or a close girlfriend. The way I think of it is "me time" is essentially time away from your kids! And I don't mean that to be cruel, but as mothers we need a break. Just a break. Thats all. :) Don't worry to much about not having a "hobby." Right now, your kids are your hobby, your passion. Best wishes!!!

A.G.

answers from Houston on

I dont really have fun either.....all my extra time is spent trying to get into shape. I totally get you there.

L._.

answers from San Diego on

I was exactly the same way when I was younger and still am to some extent. I think that I want to go out for awhile sometimes and just read or sit and have a soda by myself. But when I get out of the house, I think only about the kids. I'll call home and ask if my mother has checked on a child that's sleeping or if she remembers to have someone sit on the potty. Once I've checked in at home, I realize that I really don't have anything to do and I'll just pick up and go back home.

When my daycare parents go home at the end of the day and I it's time to lay down my night kids, I migrate to my computer and upload pictures I took or see what my daycare parents are up to on facebook.

It's a wonderful thing to love what we do and do what we love :)

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H.G.

answers from New York on

I think we all know how you feel. I think it's typical that we devote so much of ourselves to our children that we get lost - at least for a few years when they're really little. I only have one child. When she turned 3, I was feeling very much like you do now - I loved being her mom, but what about who I used to be? I started a Pampered Chef business and even though I only got out a few nights a month, I felt it was a creative outlet for me. A few years later, I was asked to sing in my church's praise band and I've been doing that for a number of years now. I absolutely love that 1/2 hour a week that I get to be in front of people using my voice to hopefully inspire people in a small way. You will find something you like to do again - maybe when your kids are a little older?

C.M.

answers from St. Louis on

My parents always taught/preached that having a balance or good proportoned 'pie' in life is the best way to happiness. IE: if I spent all my time talking to or seeing my boyfriend, then my friendships/school would suffer. I feel this way about life being married and having kids. I adore my family but also feel it's important to socialize and spend time with my girlfriends and people away from my husband and children.

Once a month I go out with girlfriends - out to eat, bingo, bar, etc. Just a night away from spouses/significant others/kids, etc. Twice a year I go with my mom to a scrapbooking weekend at my aunts house four hours away. And about 3-4 times a year I go out with friends on the weekends (hubby works weekends) and my MIL stays overnight with the kids so I can sleep in the next day.

I love to scrapbook but don't do it very often. My 'what do I do for fun' is listed in the paragraph above. Or I get my fun at work when I eat out with coworkers or occasionally go to the movies with my sister. My mom and I also have lunch together every week.

So I think it's very important for your sanity as well as the relationships around you to spread your time / energy on all the things you love. Otherwise you get to an age where the kids are grown or gone all the time as teenagers and you wonder what the heck to do because they are not there.

I'm not saying that you having friends/a job based on motherhood is bad, so please do not think that :)

F.H.

answers from Phoenix on

My husband and I are in a blended family so our ex's have the kids on the same weekends so we have NO kids every other weekend. I love that time with hubby. You NEED to have time with just the two of you, its very, very important. You trust your babysitter enough to take care of the kids when you are gone so you need to allow them to do that so you can go out. I don't know really what I like to do for fun either. All of my time is with my husband or kids. We on occasion go out with friends to eat or a movie. I love to read and watch tv. Pretty boring, I guess I'm more of a homebody but my family has always been my priority as well as my husbands. He NEVER goes to happy hour with his friends, he always comes home after work and he doesn't fish or hunt or anything else, he is home with us too. So if you are happy the way things are then you are ahead of a lot of people. If you are not happy, then you are the only one that can change that. Good luck!!!

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