Not Sure What I Could of Done Differently

Hey S.,

I have to say that I can see why he was upset. I know that weekend time is tough for my family too, my husband stays at home and I work full time. So weekends are really the only time we get to be together, but also have a lot of other things to do. After spending all day with the kids, I can definately see why he would want to take care of a couple things on his own (handle bills = catch a breather) and then spend the evening together. It just sounds a little like your priorities ruled the day, and he felt like he wasn't one of them. It wasn't wrong to want to go to the BBQ, but it was maybe not the most considerate thing to push it on him. You guys just really need to talk about what you individually need on the weekends to make sure everybody's needs are fulfilled. You had your scrapbooking party, maybe he deserved his night at home with his wife and kids. Just some thoughts.

Hope you guys get this all resolved,
D.

S.~hello,

Sorry that-that happened, sounds like your hubby doesn't like the idea of "last minute plans".

You should just talk to him and tell him how you are feeling about the whole matter and how it hurt your feelings when he acted the way he did towards you by not talking w/ you and making you feel guilty for him going ahead and agreeing to even go over to the friends house, and just see how he responds.
Sometimes things get miscommunicated and then disappointment and mixed emotions comes. When you talk, see how you both can come up w/ a plan for when an issue like this may happen again and how next time both of you can be happy:) and honestly come to an agreement,instead of how it ended this time. Sound like he may of been drained from watching the kiddos:( ...LOL.

I don't think you were in the wrong, you were just trying to make plans for the family, but it kinda went sour when he had already made assumptions in his own head how the night was gonna go.

~A.~

S......I sure wish I knew what to tell you as I am going through the same with mine. I will say that I would have done the same and would have gone. Just keep your chin up and I would suggest that you confront him as to how it made you feel and hopefully can come to a compromise so that it wont happen again.

I think that you need to establish some very clear guidelines of what you will and wont tolerate. If he didn't want to go he should have stayed home and you should have been able to go without him.

I think you have painted a clear picture here. He was irritable about something and would have probably found something to complain about no matter what. There is no reason for people to take things out on each other in a relationship. We are human and it will happen sometimes. If this is not a regular habit for him maybe you need to just let it go. But if he is developing or has a habit of treating you this way then you need to establish right
here and now that you will NOT tolerate being treated like this. The hard part is finding a way to enforce it. Obviously it's not good to make threats in a relationship and we are supposed to give each other unwavering unconditional love. But maybe you can establish a new way of handling things. Either you could have completely ignored his behavior, much the way we step over a 2 year old that is rolling around on the floor and pretend we don't even notice, or.. You could have taken the car and left him at the BBQ and left him there! Let him get his own ride home.

Suzi

Well, I think he made it pretty clear that he didn't want to go to the BBQ. He also let you know that he had things to do. It sounds to me like you both need to communicate better. Sometimes, I know I will try to plan too much in a day. My husband will get irritated that I'm not spending enough time at home, or family time, minus friends. I think this is understandable. If he could communicate with you better instead of blowing up, maybe that would have worked. If you had asked him, well, would you rather I just stay home then? You didn't have to go to your friend's BBQ just because she asked--you even called home to check with your husband-- but then decided to go anyway. From what you reported, he never really agreed to go. Yes, he shouldn't act like a baby, either, but I think that you both could have communicated better, and you could have put yourself in his shoes and been more understanding instead of pushing the issue when you knew he was doing something he didn't really want to do in the first place.

I think maybe he just wanted to relax and spend some time with you guys as a family. You were gone at a scrapbooking party without your family, then you wanted to go back and hang out with them. I just would have called my husband first to ask what he thought, and when he got upset just apologize for forgetting he had stuff to do and tell him you would love to hang out and eat as a family. I would not have gone after he said he wanted to spend time as a family. Good luck next time!

Hi S.,

I am not sure how your relationship is..but my hubby is about like that most of the times, he want things his ways and he is always right and me always wrong, and I think:

When I am upset, everybody can tell and it is not something I can hide, even if I try to be nice to people...it usually shows, or at least I look tired or sad.

When he is upset.....he can be as happy as he can be with everybody else but me, that means that he is not really upset, he is just trying to control the way things be (His way). I don't agree with that, but I kind of gotten used to accept his way since it doesn't bother me much, but I still think is not right. We are originally from Argentina and our families Italian, so it is a different culture in which men are usually the ones that makes decisions.

Be happy, talk about it if he listens (mine doesn't).
Don't take me wrong, he is good... just a brat! And I am a little responsible for that since I treated him like a king until the kids were born... Now since he doesn't help me with anything (but works), I do my best but obviously can't do everything.

He does gets use to the way it is but still acts like a brat sometimes!

I share your feelings....I guess.....

Mariana Abadie
www.MyKidsFirst.com

Communication is the key. You weren't "wrong" for wanting to go. He wasn't "wrong" for wanting to get his errands done and have dinner with his family. What was "wrong" was that the two of you didn't sit down and talk it through before you went to the bbq....and now he's mad at you for something that is really no big deal. I'd sit him down tonight, after dinner, or after the kids go to bed, and talk it out. Find out what he's so angry over. That you ASKED him to go somewhere with you, or that you weren't home cooking him dinner and waiting for him to get there. Men can be such a pain sometimes, but this is exactly how my husband used to act. He wouldn't explain anything, he'd just blow up & then give me the silent treatment. After being married 14 yeras, we finally went to a professional counselor. She told him that what he was doing was mentally abusive. It really made him rethink how he behaved. We're on the right track now, but I'd say communication, in marriage, is one of the hardest things to figure out, because the two of you probably communicate in two very different ways to show your displeasure. Instead, you should be talking it out, it's the only effective way to communicate.

I hope I helped? Oh, one more thing...why couldn't he have run some of his errands when he had the kids at home with him? Couldn't he have put them in carseats and done a little running around so that he'd be done that much sooner and be SURE to be home in time for dinner? Just something for the two of you to think about when schedules aren't matching up.

S.

From what you said it seems like your husband overreacted.

Looking at it from my point of view. I do think spending time with family is a very mportant thing. My husband and I have set Sunday aside as our family day. We don't do anything that day unless we both agree to do it. I do understand why he wanted to be home with all of you but I don't agree with the way he handled the situation. Both of you should have sat down and talked through what both of you wanted and made some compromises. As for the way he treated you at the party...he acted like a child. I think it is rude and childish to display your feelings like that for all your friends to see in public. If my husband was upset with me we would have worked them out before we went in and he sure wouldn't have ignored me. I'm sure your friends knew something was wrong. I am sorry for your situation but men are hard to deal with sometimes just like women are. Marriage is hard but communication and compromise are the 2 main componets!

Sounds like he had a bit of a tantrum issue. In polite society, a man should not rant and yell at his family and treat "friends" better. Sit down with him (it's never too late) and explain that your feelings were hurt when he blew up and you and felt he treated your friends better than he did you and the kids. Ask if he loves the friends more than you and the family. If not, why would he treat them better. Don't be confrontational...but really earnestly ask him. Maybe he doesn't realize how hurtful that behavior is to you.

I'm not sure how old you are, you don't say in your profile, but sometimes the younger couples lack the maturity to communicate as equals.

If he was upset, and it's understandable when he lacks the skills to keep the kids from trashing the house, he should have calmly told you that he still had plans but could meet you there or that he would prefer to have a quiet dinner at home and please cancel the BBQ plans. No reason for anyone to get mad and angry. Simply state what you are going to do and do it. Both sides. As adults.

Good luck. Communication will make or break a marriage and it's well worth learning good skills.

you werent wrong to want to go, but you had told him you were on the way home, and he HAD told you he had things to do. Perhaps you could have approached it differently, asked rather than declaring a change of plans, or who knows. Apologize for not taking his plans into account when y0ou changed yours, and maybe hell apologize for his pouting afterward and itll all be good again