73 answers

Do You Ask or Tell Your Husband About Going Out?

My girlfriend gets annoyed with me because usually when she asks me to do something with her and her kids, sans husbands, I tell her I need to ask my husband first.

Not that I’m getting permission, but more out of courtesy in case he had wanted to make plans or whatever. My husband works for the most part so I ask only when I know he has the day off.

She never asks her husband. She does what she wants whether he likes it or not.

Since our husbands work a lot we get together often at the park or our homes in which I don’t have to let my DH know ahead of time.

Here is an example of when she gets annoyed – she asked if me and my kids wanted to go to dinner this Saturday night without our DHs and I replied that I wanted to check with my husband first since he has the day/night off. Her reply was “whatever! Why do you have to check first? You either want to go or you don’t.”

Do you check with your husband first? Or are you like my GF who doesn’t ask, just tells her husband what she is going to do?

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

To respond to some posters - my DH wouldn't mind if I take the kids out to dinner this Saturday. He works A LOT and he does work weekends so never really gets to just enjoy being at home in peace! He wouldn't protest a night to himself with a big screen T.V. and his sports! =-) Plus I can count on one hand how often we go out to dinner. I rather cook our meals at home. 98% of the time if my husband is home, we spend time as a family.

Thank you all for responding! I'm so glad that you all feel as I do!!!

I'm going to have a heart to heart talk with my friend about this. And yes her marriage is rocky and her husband is just as inconsiderate, but she will just have to respect the relationship my DH and I have, which is built on respect, courtesy and love.

Featured Answers

I have RESPECT for my husband, so I always ask! He asks me as well for anything. I will admit, though, it always comes back to me preferring to do stuff with my husband as opposed to without him.

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I always ask. I know Id be irritated as hell if my husband 'told' me he was going out to have fun without me instead of a asking. We respect each other!

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I don't ask or tell! I say, "Honey, do you have plans on xyz?" He either says, "Yes" or "No, why?" Then we discuss.

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Um...how about you want to check with your husband because you never see him and if he gets the night off you and your family want to spend it with HIM and not HER. Obviously you and your husband have mutual respect for one another-unlike your friend.

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Jeez, I ALWAYS at least check with my husband first. It's common courtesy to let a member of your household know your plans. How sad for her that she doesn't share her plans with her husband and even sadder that maybe he doesn't even care enough to call her on it. It's not about "asking permission", it's just being considerate.

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I ask out of RESPECT for him... Just like he asks out of respect for me. If it's something I really want to do, I let him know and he is almost always perfectly OK with it. If he had been planning something, or just wanted to spend the time with me, we will discuss it and come to a resolution. Heck, even if he isn't going to be home, I check in with him and let him know if I'm going out, just so he doesn't worry if he goes home and I'm not there. He has the same consideration for me, and it works out really well for us.

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Always, always check with the hubby first. only common curtosy in my opinion. Just like he checks in with me for everything he does also.

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I always check with the hubby first. I think it is the right thing to do, as well as the respectful thing to do!

I would be pissed off at my hubby if he just 'told' me what he was gonna do...so I do not 'tell' him what I am going to do.

I do not look at it as having to ask permission either! We are a team...a unit, we work together on our family and our relationship.

~When I talk to him about this kind of stuff it's not like I am saying "Honey can I go out"? It's more like "So and so has invited me out on Saturday for dinner. What do you think"?

My mom is like your friend, so is my sister...they always do what they want and are always giving me grief about these sort of things. Sometimes it bothers me, but others I just shrug it off. I am content with how I/we manage and handle OUR relationship and that is ALL THAT MATTERS!!!

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I think it's a respect thing, so I definitly would ask my husband if he cared. I would want the same in return from him.

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I don't really ask if I already know what's going on that week, and if it doesn't mean he has to watch the kids. If the kids are coming with me I already know he would be more than happy to eat fast food in front of the TV in peace for a night!

Now, if I need him to watch the kids on his own because I want to do something with friends, I definitely have to give the courtesy of telling him before hand. Usually I can commit to it before even asking him though because I already know if he is available or not. We communicate every night anything we are planning outside of the regular 9-5 grind- hair appts, trips to the store after work, whatever.

Either way, you just have to be in sync with your hubby and each others expectations for scheduling personal time. It sounds like you are, and your friend may be as well if she doesn't even need to check with her man.

Maybe to avoid getting her annoyed in the future, say "let me just check with the hubby to make sure we don't have anything going on that I forgot about"... it makes it sound like more of a general communication rather than a woman asking permission from her man to leave the house :)

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I would ask my husband first! I think he would be pretty bummed if I made Saturday night plans and didnt even ask him what he was doing. As I would be upset if he did the same. Just because her relationship doesnt have communication doesnt mean everyones should.

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Your friend obvious does not show her husband the same respect you do. I am the same way you are, when I ask my husband it's not for permission it's to acknoledge that he may want to do something as a family. We all let each other know where we are going just in case one needs to get a hold of the other. Her marriage life to me does not sound like a happy one. I've been married for almost 30 years, asking is a show of respect not seeking permission. J.

Updated

Your friend obvious does not show her husband the same respect you do. I am the same way you are, when I ask my husband it's not for permission it's to acknoledge that he may want to do something as a family. We all let each other know where we are going just in case one needs to get a hold of the other. Her marriage life to me does not sound like a happy one. I've been married for almost 30 years, asking is a show of respect not seeking permission. J.

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There is a difference between asking for permission (not a good thing) and respectfully discussing with DH to see if he was planning on spending time with you. My hubby and I do and inbetween where we inform one another as respect and make sure we are not forgetting something otherwise. It is all about RESPECT for your partner.

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People go out on the weekend?? :)

I think my hubby and I are a bit different to others. This is going to sound pretty lame, but we don't really have other commitments/lives outside of work and family. My hubby and I both work full time during the week so he would be crushed if my son and I went out without him during a time he was home. We hardly get to spend time together as a family, which is much more important to me than going out with friends.

I would absolutely ask hubby if he minded if I went out without him. But more likely, we would go out with friends as a whole family.

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Sounds like she is not very happy in her marriage if you ask me. Since she has so much time without her husband, she should be soaking up that time when he IS home. As should the kids be spending that time with their father! Since she IS including the kids, why don't you suggest including the dads next time?

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I usually double check just to see what we have on tap, not for permission. He does the same for me. There are times when we forget something (like I forgot his reunion in May) and if I didn't mention it, I would have double booked myself. Or he forgot that the school play was at 1 and not 3 so it was good he mentioned helping out his friend before he actually did it. It's just respectful to talk to your spouse vs making him or her wonder where you are.

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I always let me husband know if I am trying to make plans. It's just common courtesy.

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It's courtesy and respect to ask your spouse/partner. My husband and I always ask each other in case something we'd like to do conflicts with something already planned. It's extremely rude to make plans, especially when it involves another person, without asking them what their plans are first. We're not asking each other permission, we're just making sure both of our needs are met without ignoring the needs/wishes of the other person.

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I don't ask permission, I just make sure our schedule's jive before I agree. Sometimes, I just say yes, and let him know the time if it is far in advance because I figure we have time to work something out if he can't be with the kids either. But I probably wouldn't say I was asking him, it sounds weird to me. I say, I'll discuss it with my husdband and see if it can work out. Ask implies permission and I think that is the rub for her.

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I know I do not need permission. And he knows I do not need permission. But to be thoughtful to one another we phrase it as both a statement of what is going to happen as well as a question that sort of asks if it is OK.

Something like...."Honey, did we have plans on Friday? If so, we will need to juggle some things because the girls and I are getting together for dinner at 6:00."

That way, just in case one of us has a very valid reason for nixing the others' plans (i.e. a child needs to go to Urgent Care or one of us has to work late), we have at least given the other one permission to speak up.

FTR -- I am the all-knowing-keeper-of-the-family-schedule. So 99% of the time, I already know what I can Yes or No to.

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I don't ask or tell! I say, "Honey, do you have plans on xyz?" He either says, "Yes" or "No, why?" Then we discuss.

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I always ask. I know Id be irritated as hell if my husband 'told' me he was going out to have fun without me instead of a asking. We respect each other!

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I think you are being considerate and I do pretty much the same thing. It's not about "permission" it's about consideration.

I respond "I'd love to! Let me check with XYZ before I say yes."

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I ask , just to be courteous. I guess, making sure he has nothing going on. I would want him to do the same for me.

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If you want my opinion, then she had better watch out, because if she doesn't feel the need to discuss plans with her husband in advance, then what ELSE does she not feel the need to discuss with him? Doesn't sound like the kind of marriage I would want to be a part of.

I discuss things like that with my husband. Doesn't mean I am asking "permission" when I say I need to "ask him about" it. It just means I am being considerate of his feelings and putting him and my family ahead of a friend-- not ahead of myself necessarily. She sounds rather self-centered to me.

If you and your husband are happy with how you make decisions, don't feel the need to defend yourself. It's not like you have an abusive situation/relationship that you are literally ASKING if it is OKAY to go somewhere...
Some people just go too far trying to be "independent"... one day they might actually get what they think they want.... Being married isn't about being "independent". It's about joining together.

4 moms found this helpful

I have RESPECT for my husband, so I always ask! He asks me as well for anything. I will admit, though, it always comes back to me preferring to do stuff with my husband as opposed to without him.

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I always double check with my husband out of courtesy, just like you said. I wouldn't like it if my husband told me he wasn't going to be home. We both do it out of respect for the other.

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If you want to have a good marriage where there is mutual respect, you need to ask your spouse first out of courtesy and respect. You are not literally asking for permission, just being nice and polite. So I am wondering why your friend wants to go out w/ you on a Sat. night and not her husband? Or did he have to work? It doesn't seem like your friend has a good marriage at all. She doesn't seem to have respect for her husband. Good for you for asking your husband first - of course, I do the same (and he asks me as well).

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Well, I think from your description, you are using the wrong words when you are talking to your GF when you say the word "ask" or "check with". Asking him or checking with him to see if it's okay with him sounds like you are asking for permission. If instead you are making sure he didn't commit to something else, or not feeling well and needs you, that's something different.

If I want to go somewhere out with friends, I make sure about my kids homework or tests first. That includes knowing when my husband plans on coming home so that if they need help, he's there (specifically for the math which I cannot help with!) If everything aligns right, then I let my husband know about my plans. Unless he has a problem with it for a reason I wouldn't have known about, there is no issue, and I go.

My husband travels on business fairly frequently. I only get to travel twice a year to see friends where I used to live. He understands me being stuck at home and is glad that I have a chance to go out with friends. And I am so glad to have something to do that doesn't involve staying at home. But do I ask for permission? No, I don't. I wouldn't want to be married to a man who I had to do that for.

D.

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Of course. :) How rude would it be to do anything else. And how crazy angry would I be if he just up and left w/ the kids to go hang out w/ someone else.
Every great once in a while on Saturday morning I have breakfast w/ friends...but the rest of the weekend is family time.
Dosen't sound like your friend has a very good relationship. :(

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My husband travels for work so is really no need to ask but I like to tell him anyway so he doesn't worry and because I like to talk to him about my days and plans. Since I only see him on weekends I don't do plans those days, but our teen some times needs to go places so I tell my husband and he normally comes with us.
I think your friend is misunderstanding your communication with your husband with submissive.

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It sounds like she doesn't respect her husband.......

We always discuss plans before agreeing to do something with OR without each other. (However, we rarely are apart except for play dates with the kids' friends.....)

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I don't ask for permission, but I do ask out of respect and courtesy. We are partners in the life we have with our two children. It's mainly to just discuss what's going on and whether the timing works. I seem to go out more with my friends than he does anyway and he never has issue with it, I just can never imagine just going without discussing it with him first. It's simply about respect and courtesy!

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for the most part I say weekends are off limits, my husband is home and we need family time- I don't need to ask I know I like him and I want to spend time with him.

If it is something that will only happen on the weekend, I ask if it would be ok if my husband came. Most of the time those type of things are adults only so either I need a babysitter or I see if husband wants to stay home with kids (not so much can I go but do you want to go with me). As far as bring kids....really depends on the schedule.
NO way am I going to eat out with kids and leave husband at home to fend for himself. Might as well leave kids with him so he can feed them and himself and I go out for a night off. In that situation it is about me making sure he will be home to care for them.

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My husband and I both check with each other out of courtesy. If it's during the day, I let my husband know that I am getting a babysitter so he can be on call in case the babysitter(ie my mom, his mom, one of my sisters) can't reach me.

It's important to show respect for each other in a marriage. Don't let your friend make you feel bad for showing courtesy toward your hubby!

EDIT***** Before people start coming down to hard on your friend, she just doesn't understand your relationship dynamic. She may be selfish, or she may be like my friend who has a husband who doesn't care one whit about her. My friend doesn't ask because her husband doesn't even care about her and only wants to think about himself. So my friend tries to make things fun for her kids and makes plans without him.

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Well, I'd be pretty pissed if my husband said to me "I'm going out on Friday night; I don't care what you think." So yeah, we check with each other first. To me it's about courtesy and respect, not permission.

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I'm like you. My husband would never tell me not to go out with a friend but I think he would like to know when he can expect me to be home or not. He also has a busy schedule so we do have to compare notes sometimes just to make sure that we don't have a schedule conflict or have actually scheduled some alone time together. It just practical and courteous.

I actually find your friend's attitude and response kind of odd. Does she even like her husband? Does she see him as being a separate person than she is? Why marry him and start a family with him if she is just going to go on acting like she's a single person? And, most of all, even though she has this particular type of relationship, why doesn't she get that other people may have different ways of running their own? She's sounds a bit out of touch to me.

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If it were during a time when he is home I would include him or not go with her.
If it were in the middle of the day, I would go without asking or telling and probably call on the way home or tell him at dinner.
She is monopolizing your time away from him. This does not a healthy marriage make. I would let this friendship go.

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I ask DH unless he's been in controlling jerk mode - then I tell. But that's because HIS particular weaknesses sometimes REQUIRE I be super assertive.

I suggest you just change the way you say it, "Let me check in with DH first - that's his night off and I want to make sure he didn't plan a date for us before I make plans with you!"

By the way, I think your friend is being rude to you.

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Since we have no one to watch our children for us (babysitter), I have to check with my hubby that he hasn't made plans of his own. It's only fair.

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I agree with you.....she sounds very selfish.....

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I don't ask for permission or anything, but I check with him to make sure he doesn't already have plans on his own or if he doesn't have plans for both of us to go out together. It's common courtesy IMO.

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I tell him and I think it's weird when my friends have to ask their husbands. He's not my father, I don't need permission, just a courtesy notice in case he has plans for that day/night! =)

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I ask, but it's not asking for permission - more as a courtesy, running it by him and giving him a heads up kind of thing. And making sure he didn't have other plans in mind at the same time. It's no different than if he was going out - I wouldn't say no, but I appreciate the courtesy of him asking instead of him just assuming it's okay. Like some others have said, it is a mutual respect thing.

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I don't check with my husband if someone wants to do something during the day. But after work hours, it's totally inconsiderate to not check with your husband! If I am taking the kids to Costco to pick up some groceries, and we are going to be late, so we'll just eat there in their food court, I call and tell my husband!!! Because what would he think if he gets home and no one is there and there's nothing for him to eat? That's not a very nice thing to do to him.

And I'll just add right here that I still do that for him even though right now, I feel like clubbing him with a frying pan. I'm trying to figure out how to get him to move out because he's an abusive jerk. But he's still a person, and I don't treat ANYONE with so much disrespect as to leave them hanging like that.

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I don't ask for permission, but I would never make plans without consulting my husband first - especially if they took place on a weekend. My husband works a lot, and we have limited family time as is. Oftentimes, the weekends are all that we have together as a family. I think this is more about an issue of respect and consideration for your partner. Your friend seems inconsiderate of her husband in my opinion. I agree with you.

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If it would not affect my husband, I would not check....like something that happens when he is at work. If the event will take place when he would be home, etc., of course I would check with him. It's common courtesy that should take place in the marriage. What if the husband had been looking forward to some family time after a long week? What if the husband was thinking of doing something special with the family? So, yes, you should check and it's not because the husband is in charge. It's because you are a team and team members communicate to keep the team winning. I believe your friend is wrong, but if it works for her marriage fine.....it does not need to be part of your marriage. If she continues to give your trouble, you should probably find a new friend.

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I check first. I guess the assumption is that we have plans with each other (and the kids) and so we want to make sure that it's okay that we "break" plans to do something else. If he's working late or something I don't check - I just make plans. But otherwise, I would be super annoyed if my husband made plans without me and didn't check first.

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I check with my hubby for the same reason as you, as a courtesy. My husband is not my boss he is my partner, and I know he would never make plans without checking with me first. Whenever he does have plans then I make plans to do something out with the girls. I think it is just a respectful thing to do. My hubby and I work very hard so I would like to be sure he is up to any plans I make, and he affords me the same courtesy. I don't think you are wrong at all.

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It's just a courtesy. You would want your hubby to ask.

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I wouldn't call it permission. I would simply call it respect. You're friend is rude and inconsiderate to think you're just going to up and make plans without thinking of your husband first.

Would your husband make plans without you this coming Saturday night? I wonder if her husband does.

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I always ask my husband before i make plans and he does the same. Its not really that you are asking for permission. Its just showing respect for each other. I let my husband know just incase he might wont us to do something together. It really doesn't seem like your friend has a good marriage and it looks like she don't wont you to have a good marriage either.

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I check with my husband if it is going to be during a time when he is not at work. I am not asking his permission, just checking to make sure there is nothing else going on. He does the same with me for plans he may have.

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I ask, and he asks me too.
I don't work but he works a lot of hours. When it's his day(s) off we ask each other so we can coordinate family time.

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hi there. It's interesting how we worry so much about others and the differences we have in relationships and that we actually have issues with friends over them. I am in my second marriage. I am very good friends with my ex husband and father to my first 3 children. Our marriage was a close friendship...not a partnership. I was more like your friend in my first marriage and am far more respectful of having a significant other and partner in life with my current marriage. It is how you view it, not how she states it. You are not "asking" permission, you are respecting the partnership and the home. You are a family first and then comes the outside fun and life...You just live your life and let it go with her. The only thing you might want to do is clarify your reasoning and establish that you are not explaining yourself to her but since she has made a statement regarding your decision to consult with your husband and sees it negatively, let her know that this is a huge positive in your life and not a negative to your outside relationship with her. Have fun, enjoy dinner and come home to your loving husband....she just has a different take on things..not bad, not good, just different from yours.

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I check first. I can only think of one instance when he had something else planned, but we only have one vehicle, and babysitters are spendy, so we usually only let one of us out of the house at a time :)

J.

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WOW - you are being shamed for being a courteous and thoughtful spouse? Maybe you can enlighten your friend by explaining that you treat your DH the way you would like to be treated. Sorry to your girlfriend, but it is simply respect.....I am wondering why she feels the need to put you down about it? I have been in a relationship going on 29 years and I always check in before I make plans for the same reasons you do. My DH would never think to limit my activities, and I do what I want when I want to - it is not a control issue.
LL

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I usually ask, but not for permission. Just like you said, it is out of courtesy. He does the same thing for me. If he is not around, I usually tell my friends that I just need to check my calendar and will get back to them.

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wow. rude friend. you gotta 'check' to make sure there isn't something else going on. perhaps she doesn't feel important to you and that's more the issue.

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It sounds like I'm like you. If he is working, I don't bother to say anything as it isn't going to impact him at all. If he isn't working, I definitely ask. Most of the time he wants to hang with us as he is working so much that we don't get a ton of time together. But other times, he will gladly enjoy the house to himself.

I would be kind of upset if my hubby just took the kids and went off and did something w/o me w/o even mentioning it!

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I've been happily married for 20 years and my husband and I ALWAYS check with each other before making any plans. It's more than just a courtesy, its a matter of respect. Does your GF's husband do the same to her? Just imagine how you'd feel if your husband always made plans without consulting you! Most of the time my husband supports me in whatever I choose to do (as I do him) and I think that's why our relationship is so strong. Always trust your intuition! Your GF is responsible for her own feelings, so what if she gets annoyed, your relationship with your husband is more important!

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I ask him if he has any previous plans made because I am trying to plan to go out an do not want to miss out on fun with him.

Usually he says "go and have fun".. So not asking his permission, but just trying to make plans as a couple would.

Tomorrow night I am going to a Bday party for one of my friends.. he does not even know her. When I first received the invitation, I asked him if he had plans for that night? He said no.. So I said "well I am going to this party.". Then I wrote it down on the calendar we all share as well as my calendar,., So maybe she is misunderstanding.

I cannot imagine an adult having to ask their spouse for permission, but I can see just verifying there are no previous plans you may have forgotten with your spouse.

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Hello, In a good marriage, each person has respect for the other. I think you are right to ask if the plans are for a time when he will be off. In fact, with her attitude, I would tell her that I am available when he is at work and that the time we have together as a family when he is off is very important to us. (Unless, he would like a day/evening off) If she can't understand that, too bad.
Good luck.
K. K.

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I check with my Husband, only so we can check our calendars and make sure someone will be home, to be with the kids.

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Wow, your friend is pretty rude to her husband. Your husband is supposed to be the love of your life. That's the goal anyway. How can he be your best friend and lover if you don't even check to see how he feels about the weekend plans. Maybe he wants to spend time with you and the kids after working all week. I'd certainly expect he'd mention instead of doing whatever he feels like without any mention. Your friend is an overgrown teenager. Tell her to Grow Up!!!

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I think I'm somewhere in the middle. If I make an appointment for say my hair or nails, I tell him. If it is something like dinner with a friend, I usually make sure he doesn't have anything going on by telling him I would like to go, not really asking, just making sure there is nothing that would prohibit me from going.

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I check with my husband first, also out of courtesy. I would want him to "ask" me, and of course I would say YES YES YES!!!!!!!

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My hubs always asks me, I always say yes, but I still think it is polite as we share our life together. Same for me, I ask, but he always says yes as well, so long as there isn't something else on the agenda we have forgotten about. I think that spouses showing each other basic courtesy is so important bc that is supposed to be the person you treat the best, not the person who gets the dregs of life. So I think you are doing a great job!!

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i never want to go out. i avoid invitations to go out at night at all costs. if he happens to hear someone asking me to do something with them sans hubby and kids, he insists i go. in cases when i do want to go out (shopping or whatever) i tell my husband and ask if it is ok. it is courtesy. i treat him the way i want to be treated. i'd hate it if he told me he was going out. i would hate it if he went out without us frequently. we just don't do that. we're a family.

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I do both....but I always give my husband the COURTESEY of communicating with him, so I hope I get the same back. I tell him, what I intend to do and make sure it works with our schedules, since we have 3 kids and a business together. I never tell anyone I need to ASK, but rather use the word CHECK with my husband and see what our schedules look like.

If I had no one to communicate with, then clearly I don't have to take anyone else into consideration.

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Neither of us asks the other for permission to go anywhere or do anything, but we do discuss our agendas with each other to make sure that someone is available to let the dogs in and out, or to see if the other had wanted to do something else. We're having to coordinate even more closely right now, since his car is DOA and we're having to share mine.

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Everyone is different and all situations are different. Sometimes I tell, sometimes I ask, sometimes I just do. It just depends. But you have to be respectful. But, my neighbor, she HAS to ask her husband about EVERY little thing. I'll say, can your daughter come spend the night, and she'll say let me ask my husband. Seriously? You can't make a decision? LOL

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You are being respectful of your husband. Nothing wrong with that. Since he does work a lot, maybe he wants to have dinner with his family,the one night he is off. You and she get together often so he is the priority regarding Saturday night. She's acting selfish and not respecting your boundaries when she acts annoyed with you.

1 mom found this helpful

Well I sure do have an opinion here. I ASK my DH because that is common courtesy! My husband sometimes wants some down time without the kids running around while he relaxes at home. There are times also that he has wanted or planned for us to do something already. It's not your's and your friends relationship (marriage), it's a marriage between you and your husband, she's not your husband. If she has such a problem with it, tell her to take a hike! I can't stand people who think their way in relationships are the only way. Let's see who stays married longer, or who's husband just might have an affair, let's see who keeps walking all over their man and see how long they stick around. I say what you have with your husband is respect. Each of you have respect for one another!

1 mom found this helpful

Nastasha G. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking your husband when you want to go out with your friends. I completely understand that you are asking out of respect and it sounds as though you and your husband have good communication and that is great. If your girlfriends get upset, let them. You continue to do what works for you and your home life. I would venture to say your friend's home life is not as happy or stable as yours. Continue to love, respect and communicate with your husband.

I agree with you, it out of respect and yes, they could have something planned as a surprise. I do the same thing with my husband when I want to go out and he does the same with me as well. Evidentally, she doesn't have a good relationship with her husband.

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