New Neighbor Trouble

I would give it some time and see how things progress. The situation could change. People are very touchy when it comes to their children, but I would in fact say something if the problem still exists in a few weeks. Winter is coming! Good luck

I have a neighbor who places a sign on her door certain days which states that her boys are busy and unable to play. She writes in the sign to do not knock or ring the bell. This has worked wonders for her!:)

Hope this helps some!

MC

I'd speak to her first. Firmly set the rules and kindly let her know the consequences for breaking them. If she continues, then go to the parents. You are allowed to discipline other peoples children in that context. Sometimes we are afraid to offend, but the parents are probably not paying much attention to her being busy moving, so they would appreciate knowing someone else is keeping her in line. She'll probably love you for it in the long run. Kids look to adults to set boundaries.

You need to establish firm boundaries with her and tell her parents what you need/expect from them in regards to their daughter.

She sounds like one who will take a yard if you give her an inch. When she's on the car give her 30minutes to play on it for "her turn" when that 30minutes are up she's done she has to get off the car. You may even set a timer for her, then immediatly have her get out of the car and either give it to your son to play with for 30minutes or immediatly put it away out of sight (like the garage or a shed) and move onto something else. As for opening your door or coming over unannounced that's a pretty common kid thing to do. We have a "Closed" sign that we hang on the door when we are doing family time, or if someone is sick and can't play. The neighbors know that if the closed sign is up they may not ring the bell, or play in the backyard. Don't be afraid to use your "Mom voice" to redirect and correct her behavior, this is your space and you have the right to have your space and things respected.

I've had the same type of problems with my neighbors. I talked to the kids. I told them NOT to come over unless we were outside. If they had continued to show up ringing my bell or just coming in my backyard I would have talked to the parents. I'm glad it never got to that point. Don't be sticky sweet with her just tell her "I really don't want you coming over unless we are out. That means don't ring the bell or go in my back yard. If we are in the back and you want to come over ask first." Then ask her if she understands what you are saying. Most kids don't want to upset people so I'm sure she'll get it. Don't be afraid to tell her no if she asks to come over later on. It's your house not the neighborhood daycare center. Good luck!

You are in a catch 22 situation. I would see how things go after they move in. Her parents may not pay any attention to her, as well as she may not have any children to play with where they lived before. How does your son feel about the situation with the new neighbor. If he is old enough to understand things, maybe getting his opinion and then you both work together on the problem.

P.

Sounds like it's time to set some boundaries for the girl. Maybe she can only have a 20 minute turn in the car, only allowed to call onyour sone to play twice a day, not allowed to enter without being invited. I went through this with a neighbor's grandson and setting the guidelines worked wonders!

We have a rule that unless the neighbors are out, you may not go over. Ours are always outside unless it is nap time, dinner, etc. We all talked and have an understanding that if the garage or front door is shut, please don't knock. Maybe you could talk to the parents and set up a "rule." It works well for us and we rarely have the door bell ringing.

C.

Hi Nancy,
I had a similiar situation with my neighbor-only we were the new neighbors and the problem escalated to their son pinching my David who would not hurt a thing. My David was rightfully getting more upset becasue he didn't understand someone wanting to hurt him. This child also took the liberty of walking right into our home. You said you love good conversations so I am guessing you have a great wealth of words on your side to choose from--I found the answer to be to talk to the parents. I have also found that beginning and ending with a positive note is always better-snadwich critisism between 2 forms of praise.
" I really think your daughter is a doll and I'm so glad that she and David are friends and play so well together. I'm sure you are unaware of this but for her own safety I thought you should know that she is just walking into my home. As a mom, I would worry if David was so confident that he would walk into a home of people he just met. I am teaching him to be more cautious when I am not with him. She also loves his car! Might be a great Christmas gift for her! I limit the time David uses it so he plays with more toys and gets more stimulus than the car and I've noticed that she doesn't respond to my limits. And on and on! There are some words to make your own-but you need to talk to them sooner rather than later--good luck!!
Ps 15 years later my David and Calab, the pincher, are very good friends! E.

It sounds like the parents aren't paying much attention to what their daughter is doing. Still, I would tread VERY carefully for now, as sometimes parents can get very defensive. Since you don't know them well, you don't want to start off on the wrong foot. Trust me, I've seen my mother have wars with the neighbors and it can get ugly and nasty and extremely childish, and it all started over them taking offense to something almost as innocent as what you're talking about. Wars with neighbors are not pretty, and in this housing market, you're pretty much stuck with your neighbors.

If it were me, here's what I'd do...

1) Establish a good relationship with the parents as quickly as possible. Perhaps invite them to dinner, or make them a casserole for a night when they're busy unpacking and don't have time to cook. Be the best, most thoughtful neighbors possible, as long as you're not going past your comfort level. Go out of your way to look for ways to offer help or offer to lend them something, though not anything that you value so much that it would cause hard feelings if it were lost or damaged. (e.g. "Oh, you're painting? I have some canvas tarps and painting supplies if you'd like to borrow them.") If you dare, you might even offer to watch their daughter while they paint one afternoon, etc.

Basically, build rapport so that when you do need to talk to them about their daughter, you'll know them well enough to guess their reaction and know the best way to approach them.

2) For now, I would stick to talking directly with the daughter to set limits. Since the parents aren't paying much attention, they'll probably never know anyway.

With the car, I would say, "My son is only allowed to ride it for 30 minutes a day, so it's only fair that his friends can only use it for 30 minutes, too." Then when the 30 minutes for both of them are up, it goes away and the battery comes out. If she won't get out of it, say, "Sweety, I'd really hate to have to go tell your mom that you aren't listening. You need to get out of the car so we can put it away now."

Keep your gate locked if possible. If not, try not to keep anything back there she'd be interested in, and watch carefully. Maybe wait until you catch her back there again to say something. Same goes for her coming in your house. Do NOT put yourself in a position where you're accusing her of lying. You may be sure she was in your house, but you didn't see her, so there's room for doubt in the parents' mind. If she tells her mom she wasn't in there and you didn't believe her, mom may become defensive (My daughter doesn't lie!).

Do you have pets? If you have a dog, that could be a legitimate and understandable reason to casually mention something to the parents now rather than later. (e.g. "I noticed your daughter coming out of our backyard the other day. The latch can be tricky and sometimes kids can't close it properly. Our son and whole family would be devestated if the dog escaped. I think it's best if she doesn't go in our yard without us.") Unless you can think of a specific reason like that, I'd wait to say something...first to the daughter, then to the parents only if she keeps doing it.

well....it's a new situation...she's in a neighborhood that she doesn't know, and your son is nice to her, and you are nice to her and other kids toys are always so much more fun that your own, so it's probably all she has to do.
i know its annoying for you, because it is a change in your routine, but it's all new...the excitement of it should all wear off over time...and it will most likely work out.
you can definately make rules and set boundaries...but give it a little time...like you said...they haven't even officially moved in yet...her toys aren't there, her stuff isnt' there...what would you do in the same situation?

Tell her to go home and tell her parents that your son is unable to play. Maybe that would scare her a bit. It makes me wonder what kind of parents this girl has. Aren't they watching her. I would never let my children go and bother people all the time. It seems that people just want to pawn their kids off on others. It's so annoying. We had a neighbor that was constantly sending her 4 year old down to our house because she was napping. I finally told her that I would love a nap too and took the little girl home after months of this nonsense. I hope things get better. :)

You need to have a chat with her parents. As time goes on, she will get more comfortable and she will become bolder in her actions. That is a tough one as I am sure you want to be on good terms with your new neighbors. I would imagine her parents already know she is not as honest as she should be. Just the fact that you know she just walked in to your house is a bit scarey. You can't assume she is a nice girl. We had some bold neighbor kids and later found out the boy was taking things from our house and others in the neighborhood and trying to sell the items door-to-door! Set your boundaries NOW! Good luck!

Wow... I can't imagine allowing a 7 year old over to someones house without me knowing she was invited.

I would talk to the parents, from a concerned parent standpoint. Maybe they don't know she is doing this? I would give you the opportunity to plan together how you would like your children to play, to set some boundries.

On the flip side, if they know about it coming to them as a concerned parent (instead of a person that doesn't want the kid over all the time) should make them feel embarrassed and make them cooperate.

Nancy - You never mention what your son thinks of your new neighbor. My guess is that her behavior bothers you a lot more than it bothers him. It seems that this little girl is fascinated by this great "toy" that she has never had the privilege of owning herself. Maybe you should just let her have her fill of it as long as she is not hurting anything. She is 7 - the novelty of the car will wear off sooner than you think, especially if she is not restricted from it.

K

That is a sticky one. But, if her parents aren't paying enough attention to know that she is in your yard or knocking on your door, they probably aren't going to tell her not to. I'd just kindly say "it's not ok to ...." That's what they'd tell her in school. They also tell the kids to use words. Your son could use his big voice and say "I don't like it when you ...". Maybe she'll get a hint. If not, you may have to be firm.

Good luck.

S.

I'm curious as to how old your son is. The parent's should not be letting this happen. I would start by telling her that when she sees you outside it is fine to come over, but other times you are busy and cannot play. You could also mention in a nice way to the parents that she entered your house...couch it as, I just wanted to let you know b/c I wouldn't want something to happen to her if she entered an unfriendly house...

Hopefully once they are moved in they will keep a better eye on her.

My suggestion would be to set up "play dates" give her certain times that it is okay to visit. Talk to the parents about your schedule, and tell them that you are not comfortable with her being at your house unsupervised. IF she is still persistante about coming into your home uninvited, then lock the doors. Maybe you could take David over to their house so they can play together, you can get more comfortable with the parents, and the car won't be such an issue. Keep your gate locked at all times unless you are outside. She is old enough at 7 that you should be able to talk to her, and she respect your boundaries. If all else fails, you'll just have to be the firm one, and just tell everybody straight out how it is. They will get over it eventually. It is always hard to get or be the new neighbors, but I'm sure in time you will all learn to co exist on the same block. Hope all works out for you and that I may have been of some help!!

I wonder if she wants to keep her daughter busy while they do work on the house.

I guess I'd wait and see what happens after they move in. Then if it becomes a problem set rules and limits.

I would continue locking the gate and removing the battery to the car.

Nip it in the bud right away. I had the same kind of problem for 8 years! I was too nice. Everytime the child does something you are not comfortable with, let her know. Please do not go in our backyard without permission, please do not enter our home unless we say you can and when the car is going to be put away, out she goes. They are your rules and it is your home/property. I would hope the parents of the girl would understand this and respect your wishes. I'm not saying be rude and mean but stand your ground. Good luck!

I think I would start out by saying..... These are the rules at our house. <just say it nicely the first time, but firmly> ... you may not come into our yard without permission and xyz...
If she still continues to be bothersome. Her parents may not be aware that she's doing this. Don't confront them, just have a conversation with them and say.. OH! BTW... you daughter loves that ride on car of our sons, but she's coming into the yard and entered our house with us in the basement.. ringing our bell ... etc...and just say, I'm not sure if you were aware that she was doing that.... I thought I'd let you know. <i did this with our neighbors with their barking beagle>
Anyway... If it continues to be a problem.. I would then confront them in a more serious way. Its very poor manners to allow your child to be irritating like that.

maybe it's a childhood crush she has? maybe she's just plain lonely. Maybe you do need to tell her that you appreciate her coming and using either the bell or knocking but may not just feel at home and walk in. Not until that IS cleared with you at a later date. But make it clear that your son's stuff is not community property and she and David have to be playing for his stuff to be shared. If he's sick, his stuff is off limits. If her folks don't set limits, it's your home and you have the right to set limits.

I think you should definitely speak with the parents and just let them know that you are uncomfortable with thier daughter coming over while you're not home and if they would please talk to her about respectng your and your son's property. If she's only 7, she really shouldnt be allowed to go to other peoples houses alone anyway imo.

We had a neighbor kid like that before we moved, and the reason he was so bad, was because the parents didn't want the kid in the first place, and just didn't care what he did. He got no attention at home, and wanted to be around normal people. Hopefully that is not the child's case, but I would mention it to both the child and the parents that you have "a safety concern" with her using the car and being in your yard without you there. Explain to the child that your child also needs "family time" sometimes, and have a few words about respecting other peoples boundries. good luck, I know this can be a hugely tricky issue to address...been there.

Talk to the child first. From having teaching experience, you can really get to a child with strict words and almost "scare them away" from your house. If that doesn't work, just mention to her parents that she has come to your house unannounced. Make sure you don't point it out as a parently flaw on their part, make is sound as if you are worried about the childs safetly (which I'm sure you are too). If it really gets out of hand try the stop sign approach. Hang a stop sign on your door if you don't want company at the time. Hang a go sign if you are free to play. The kids will get the hang of this and understand it pretty quickly. Good luck!