Help with My Nieghbors Kids

I saw this in a family fun magazine, and it has worked for us. We hang a little laminated sign from the front door, one says, "the kids can play at ___ today"(fill in the appropriate time), another says "The kids aren't home right now. Check back later", another says. "Sorry, we can't play today." It has done the trick for us. I wish you luck. It is a pain to have the constant open door policy. Do what you feel is right for your situation.

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I have had a neighbor as you have. We called her crazy neighbor because she wouldnt know where her children were. Ages 4 and 3 at the time. I mean Hours. One time they were at my house for more than 8 hours. I think she knew that they were with me but dont you think they needed food or a nap or something. I was not their mother. Anyways, what I did was take the kids home one day and asked to talk with the parents. I told them that I enjoy their time over at my house but I needed to keep my children on a schudule. So I put a Time that We were available to play each day and amount of time to play. The parents were not happy but they excepted this because I let them know that their children were always welcome but only at the appointed time. I enjoy having children in my house but sometimes a little quiet time is what I need.
B.

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First of all LOL about turning 30 and hating it...it was a bad time for me too. Now I remember why we chose to live in the country, this has it's drawbacks too, absolutely no kids but their own siblings to play with. This kind of behavior is so annoying but is absolutely the parents fault. If talking with the parents is not a viable option then you need to speak to the kids directly. The kids obviously have no boundries physical or otherwise. It's unfortunate that you are having to take on the responsibility of kids that are not yours. You could explain to them that you have a schedule, nap time, and other activities. You are going to have to be very firm with them. You could put signs on the door red and green. Red meaning do not ring the bell, the kids can not play, green meaning it's ok. If the kids come into your home you must explain your rules and they must agree to them and obey them. You also need to set a time limit for their visits. I realize that you don't want to have a reputation as the mean neighbor but these kids obviously don't talk to their parents so I seriously doubt they would say anything about your rules. As for the parents I would not care one bit what they might say about you. You have to do what is best for your kids and family.

best of luck...

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I am sorry that you are in such a difficult situation! I too have neglectful neighbors, they let their kids run wild 24/7. It really sets a bad example for your own children who are not allowed to do some of the things that their neighborhood friends do. We have one little boy who comes and knocks on our door constantly, as late as 10:00 at night (school nights too) when my kids have been asleep since 7:30! The child's Dad comes over at all hours asking if we have seen his son, the parents never know where he is. We have not allowed this little boy to play inside our house ever since I found out that he was stealing from another family in the neighborhood every time he went over there to play (he is only 6!) I will let him play with my kids only in our yard under my supervision. Since the parents are so uncoopertive the only thing I can think of is that maybe you should call social services and just let them know that you are concerned that there may be some neglect going on, I may do that myself, I have a hard time butting in but I shutter to think what this little boy will be like when he is a teenager without some help!

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Oh C. I feel your pain! I find myself in the same situation. ALL the neighbor kids find their way to my house and there are two children, 5 and 7 that show up at the same time everyday. I discovered that mom was leaving at that time to go pick up dad. She never asked me or even told me for that matter. I was shocked that anyone would just leave their kids but she does. I even sent them home one time and they came back cause she wasn't there. I have huge issues with this and have felt the same as you are feeling now. This is how I have handled it so far....
I'd rather have all the kids at my house cause atleast I know where mine are. Infact my children had gone over to the "absent" moms house and she called me not knowing where they were. ( They had infact left her house and returned to mine as usual) I just feel better knowing that they are ok. If that means I have a gaggle of kids so be it. I also quit making it so comfortable at my house. No inside play, only outside, no snacks and only water. My house doesn't seem so enjoyable anymore. Also it doesn't hurt to just say NO!
I sometimes send the kids home when i know that she is going to leave without asking me. I just say that it isn't a good time and off they go.
Hope it helps to know that Im going through the same thing.
PS.. 30 is awesome! I have never felt better. Just wish I could have this hair and my 20 yr old body back!

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You need to have a talk with all of the parents. Tell them your kids need a certain structure or they have a really bad day or something. Tell them that they need to call to ask if their kids can come over to play. Ask them to please make sure to tell their kids this and make sure they obey. Tell them that to be helpful, you will let them know if their children are not obeying, and coming over without their parents calling first. Good luck!!!
K.

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Be thankful you're the "fun" house. At least you know what's going on and can put your spin on any disagreements. You should have no problem setting and enforcing rules. Teachers do it all the time to other people's kids...what's the difference for your house? We have a neighbor kid who doesn't like my rules....he leaves pouting, but always comes back eventually and has learned to follow the rules. So, I'd set the first rule as, if you ring the doorbell more than once, you cannot come to my house for the rest of the day. Then, when they are not listening, call the parent or march the kid over and explain to the other parent the problem and ask them to please take care of the problem - you may have to do this more than once for both parent and child to figure out you mean business. Set the rules for playing with the dog, if they're not followed, dog goes inside and they have to leave. Yes, this is going to be a lot of work for you at the beginning but hopefully you'll end up with neighborhood kids that behave (at least at your house) AND still be the place to hang out (so you can keep an eye on your kids). Snacks are tougher...it can be expensive to feed the whole neighborhood but you don't want to model rude behaviour. If the other parents are not doing snack time some days (which it sounds like they're not), I see nothing wrong w/keeping track for a week or so and then asking them to pitch in.."I love that all the kids play together. I've done snacks for little Billy every day this week. It's really starting to pinch my budget to feed the whole neighborhood. Would you mind helping out?" If they don't pitch in, just start sending the kids home at snack time. Also, start imposing on the neighbors. You need to run to the store? Walk the neighbor kids and your kids over to the neighbor's house and say, "they've been in my backyard all morning and I haven't gotten to the store. I'd love for you to watch them in your backyard while I run to the store." and then walk away and go to the store. If being assertive starts neighborhood wars, so be it. do you really want to be friends with these people? I'll bet the kids will still come to your house and if you've been polite all along, there's nothing your neighbors can do and you'll be more sane because everyone will be following your rules.

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I would start by setting some very specific rules for when friends come over that you are comfortable with. Go over them with your kids first and make sure they understand them and the consequences of not following them (like they have to go home and can't come back for a day or so) when friends come over. Be sure to enforce these rules all the time at first. The neighborhood kids will catch on, and maybe they won't be too happy at first, but obviously they need structure and kids really do crave it and knowing their boundaries.

Also, if playing with them inside your house is just too much, you could have a rule about how many friends inside at a time. Hey, it's your house, and if you don't have room for every kid to be there, then you make that rule. Another rule could be how much time your kids are allowed to play at a time. You can tell these kids that when the time is up for the day, that you will not answer the door or respond to the knocking on windows kindly unless it is an emergency and they need help. They obviously haven't learned what is rude/polite.

We have had to deal with this in our neighborhood, too. The moms have gotten better at telling the kids that what they are doing is rude. If you do this, be sure to tell them what is appropriate to do. At first doing these things may seem like you're mean and that the kids don't get it, but they will as long as you're consistent. You have to follow through with the consequences every time.

I don't mean to sound harsh or mean for you to make some harsh rules, but I just think that this will help them understand a bit. I do think they need some good adult influence in their lives, and you could be the one. Good luck! I know it can be very hard.

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OH BOY....!! Sounds like a lot of us have had (or have)this problem at one time or another. I wish all this communication was known to me 5 years ago....aaarrrggg. I had a wee one and our house got the "kid bombs" every single day wether my oldest was home or not. Napping was impossible for my little one. I finally put up a RED sign and a GREEN sign. RED meant no playing or RINGING the door bell. GREEN meant it was ok. And yes, you have to set boundries, and it can take a bit, but it will work. Everyone here has some great input, it is awesome. My youngest is now six, and she is starting to get kids coming over to play, (yes, ones that I have NO idea where they are coming from let alone who their parents are) and I think summer will be interesting....I am so glad this subject was brought up. This helps us all, since there is a lot of this going on. Good luck, and I think you have some great suggestions here. I know I am going to take some of it right here and now...:) LT

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I have a friend down the street with nearly the same situation. The difference being that the mother of the kids that are the issue is her daycare provider. She really doesn't want to start any issues but needs the continual interruptions to stop. My friend has decided to put a stop sign on her door. If the neighbor kids come to the door and see the stop sign, they are not to knock or ring the doorbell. This way, no naps are interrupted or family time taken away. If the stop sign is not on the door, they can ring the doorbell and see if her kids can play! I thought this was a great idea!

***I didn't read the post right before mine. She had the same idea!

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C.,

WOW! I can't even tell you how similar your situation/experience is to mine!! The only difference is, I only have one neighbor with kids that aren't properly supervised. I know exactly how you feel. I actually feel bad for our neighbor kids because it's obvious they don't interact with their parents much at all. I absolutely don't trust my kids at their house to play alone because of the lack of supervision so when we first moved her I made a conscious decision to make my house the play house. Well, that was two years ago and I've finally set my boundaries fairly well and I "think" things are finally somewhat tolerable. My first rule that both my kiddos and our neighbor kids had to understand was playing in my house is unacceptable. If it's snowing, raining, sleeting outside then my kids stay in - unless they get their winter gear on and play with the kids making snowmen... Anyway, I got sooooo tired of cleaning up after them and dealing with several of my kid's nice toys breaking on a regular basis because they have no idea how to respect things. Actually drawing that limit with both my kids and the neighbor kids helped them all understand that I was pretty serious so they took my other requirements more seriously, like - no ringing the door bell at 7am in the morning. I'm actually very stern with these kids. I figure that's probably how they've been disciplined so the only way I'm going to garner any respect and obedience is to do the same. I've also made "play-times" for them and am very strict to the schedule. For example, they can come over and play outside with my kids for two hours on Tues. and Thurs. after naptime which for us is around 2pm. Anyway, I really do like the kids, they're a little rough around the edges but I don't mind it in the least. I think about some of the kiddos I used to catch water snakes with in the river and I'm sure my folks went through exactly what we're experiencing, but I still played with them. Like you, I found no success dealing with their parents. The only thing that worked for me was to be very stern and direct to them. I also don't let them get away with much while they're outside. I can't monitor their every move but I leave a lot of windows open and listen in on their conversations. The minute I start to hear swearing or fighting I walk outside and tell them that while they're on my property and playing with my kids I want absolutely no disrespect. If I hear it again I go out and send them home. At the same time I try to keep things fun. Last week I broke out a big watermelon for all of them to eat and they had a great time! They run through our sprinklers on a regular basis and play soccer and badminton on occasion. I hope this helps. I know everyone is different with how they handle these things, but I couldn't help but respond since our experiences were so similar. Good luck and hopefully you can have a somewhat more relaxing summer...

Best,

J.

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Hey, C.. I can totally sympathize as I expereinced this while we were first moving into our neighborhood. The parents (where are they and what are they doing?!?!) would just send their kids out and they would come striaght over to our place to play on the swing set. I'm talking everyday - I was starting to hide...from kids!!!!!!!

Since I don't like it when others tell me how to parent, I figured suggesting something to another parent would make me look like the bad guy in this situation. So, our rule is now, "Sure we can play, as long as your Mommy plays with us!". Only one mom has responded by coming with her kids and we've become good neighbors. The others probably don't even know their kids are at my house knocking - the little ones respond, "My mommy's too busy" to which I say, "Bummer, buddy. Maybe next time. See ya!" wave and close the door.

It also will be so much easier to turn the kids away once your kids get into school and has other friends to play with.

Good luck!!! OH, BTW, sorry to hear you don't like being 30. I'm 34 and have to say it only gets better...keep your chin up and grab a friend to join you for margs. You're still allowed.

1 mom found this helpful

I am soo sorry that you have such neighbors that have no clue what it means to have children. This is frustrating to me since I am many I know have a hard time getting pregnant. If I were you I would set a time limit during the day. Obviously these parents are not going to, so you have to. I would make something that is a visible reminder as to what time is appropriate (for example a balloon or a Crafted Flower that you wouldn't mind on your house). Then explain to the neighbor children that the only time that you are okay with them knocking is when this object is up. If they can't respect that then you call their parents every time they disrespect your rule. At some point the parents should at least encourage them to respect your rules if only because they won't want to be interrupted so much. I would see what you can do with the kids. You could possibly even get them (kids)involved in the solution. Good Luck this is a hard situation.

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I feel your pain. When we bought our house in '04 my daughter had never had neighbor kids to play with and it was exciting to see children close to her age. Well, come to find out our neighbors have now 8 children (3 since we moved in) and the oldest is only 14. They are unsupervised most of the time and at one point we had them literally crawling all over our house. They are always losing children and asking "have you seen our 3 year old? We can't find him" At first I tried to be polite but firm with my rules but they did not respond. My daughter was learning some of their not so nice behaviors and my husband and I had enough. Like you, we did not want to punish the children because it isn't their fault but our first responsibility is our own children. We did have to cut all contact with them at first just telling them "not for awhile" and disconnecting our doorbell. Then mom came to ask "why" and I responded by telling her that we were working on getting things back on track with our kids and this is what we needed to do for awhile. Surprisingly she was at least respectful to this and they quit coming around. That was 2 years ago and now my daughter can play with 1 or 2 of them at a time only if myself or my husband are around to watch and they still don't come inside. Now when they do come over they are respectful and listen well. Good Luck to you. There is a lot of good advice on here and I am sure you will do what is right for your family.

1 mom found this helpful

Been there done that, moved to a neighborhood without kids and now I miss it. What worked for me was to have very strict rules about playing at my house. The kids never thought that I was mean. It tooks lots of reinforcment but after a few days the neighborhood kids understood. We also made a stop/go sign for our door. I told the kids that when the stop sign was out it meant that they could not come play (sometimes my kids wouldn't even be home and they would want to come over). When the go sign was out it was acceptable to knock or ring the bell and they could stay for an hour. I even set a timer so they wouldn't ask. This worked really well for us as most of the kids were seeking a firm hand anyway. We also had a designated play space where public toys were available. That way if one got broke it was no big deal and my children's toys were not being ruined. Once, one child ended up at my house until very late, I tried walking her home and there was no one there. I called child protection services and reported an abandoned child as I HAD to go somewhere else and did not want to leave a 5 year old alone at night wandering the neighborhood. That was the last time her mom left her and she didn't come back but I still today feel like I did the right thing.

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The kids don't understand boundaries because they don't have any. I have had simular problems with nieghborhood kids. I have 6 and they knew not to do certain things-like ring the door bell more than once.

I would tell these kids that these are the house rules if they can fallow them they don't get to play with your kids. It may sound mean to not let your kids play with them but is this the influence you want around your kids? Tell them they are aloud the play at these time other wise your kids can't come out. If they come at nap time, tell them they forfit their right to play even with the dog! It is hard but stick with it they will get it after a while and you might be labeled the mean mom (oh well!)
Just so you know not all big families are like that. I always knew who my kid were with and where they were. If I didn't they sure told me once they got home!!!!
Good Luck,
C. B

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LET THEM IN!! Don't you remember being a kid? Me and my brothers and sister would play outside for hours. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Just be glad that there are kids to play with. In my neighborhood, there is nobody even close to my daughters age. The closest is her 8 mo. old brother. She gets very lonely. Besides, if you always make your home the place where the kids all want to hang out, then when they are teenagers, it will be easier to keep track of what is going on in their lives, because you will see them more. Your kids aren't going to get into as much trouble (drinking, smoking, drugs, or just plain old mischief) if you always know what they are up to.

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My neighbor across the street has a sign she hangs on her door when her kids are napping which says "kids napping, please don't ring doorbell or knock on door". The whole neighborhood knows not to bother them during this time. You should do the exact same thing, then tell those other kids that when the sign is hanging, you are home, but you WILL NOT be answering the door. Tell them that when the sign is not hanging, they are welcome to come and play. You do need to set some rules, or you'll become (or have already become) the neighborhood babysitter-for-free. It may be that you cut off all contact for a little while so the other families know you mean it. Your kids are 2 and 4, there's no reason for a 5,6 and 9 yr old to be at your house all the time. Another friend of mine lets her kids play with all the other kids as much as they want at her property, as long as they're OUTSIDE in the yard. No one is EVER allowed in the house. She says if they're kids and the weather is nice, there's no reason to be indoors. The other kids know and accept her rules, or they can't play with her kids, that's it. So, set some rules now or it'll just continue the way it is. Good luck!

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I have had problems like this. One of them just recently moved. The parents had no clue. The kids would come over, play with my children's things and not let my children play with them. It seemed to me that they just wanted attention and interaction. But they really made me mad. I called thier mom once to tell them they were over here and to make sure they didn't have any food allergies and she acted like I was an idiot. Apparently these kids went to everybodies homes. I finally just kept giving them excuses for my children couldn't play. Eventually they left us alone. We also have some who leave thier children in the middle of the crying, they have often told me that mommy and daddy won't let them go home. I feel sorry for children with parents that don't seem to care. I keep a close eye on them while they are outside to make sur they are okay. You need to try to remember that these children need something. Attention, counsel, advice, interaction, etc. They need to know that someone does care. I would set limits. Give them certain days of the week and certain times that they can play. I have done this and it works well. And set rules for them while they are at your home. Have them abide by your house rules. They are in your home, they need to go by your rules. If they can't follow these rules then they can't come over. Make sure they see that even your children have to go by the same rules and that you aren't picking on them. I have a sister who has even done this to nieces and nephews because they are too mean to her children. These kids need love and affection, and they aren't getting it at home. Also, if you believe in it, pray for them, they need as many people on thier side as possible.

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Actually it could be a lot worse. Your kids could be at the other houses.

Keep saying no when it isn't convienient. The kids do need boundaries and it is good to know who your kids are with, and if they are your house they are supervised. You might even set certain times when they can come and play, when you are prepared to watch all the kids and maybe make it a time when you can be patient telling all of them the rules and enforcing them.

If you can do that you may find that even the kids that people think are out of control will behave. I used to have all the kids around and it worked for us. Good luck, you'll need that too.

1 mom found this helpful

We have a few neighbor kids who just don't seem to understand when we don't answer the door (they'll knock and ring the bell repeatedly, too) or even when I say my kids can't play, they'll come back 30 minutes later. I just tell them thanks for stopping by and close the door.

I try to avoid having them in my house if at all possible. Mostly because they throw and break toys and have even put a couple of holes in walls and love to dump all the toys out of the toy box and then go home leaving my kids and me with the mess. They basically have no respect for other people's things. Actually, they have no respect for their things because their mother tells me they are always breaking toys and she's always replacing them. So when they come over to play, I tell them they can only play outside, which works out a lot better for all of us. On the off chance I do let them inside, I give them ground rules to follow and one warning when they inevitably break the rules and then I send them home telling them that they are only welcome to play when they follow the rules. They usually just go home at that point.

As for their parents lack of supervision, there isn't much you can do about that. I can't tell you how many times I've found my neighbors 3-year old in the street or watched as he was almost hit by cars. All you can do is supervise your own children. And I think someone else said you should be thankful your kids aren't playing at their houses, which I agree with.

Anyway, I think you just need to set some rules - the kids can only play after noon and before 5 pm, or whatever, if we don't answer the door on the first ring/knock, please don't continue to ring/knock, (I liked the idea of a sign someone else suggested), follow house rules or you can't come back, etc. Make sure that you explain this to all the kids and if they just don't seem to get it, then you may have to just tell them they can't play with your kids anymore. Chances are, their parents won't really care because they don't even seem to care where their children are at any given moment.

If you're worried about your kids not having friends, I would suggest looking into www.momsclub.org or www.mops.org Both are groups from SAHM to interact with other moms and kids. I'm a member of Moms Club and it's been a lifesaver! Both my kids and I have made many friends and playdates.

Good luck to you. Just know that you are not alone in dealing with this sort of thing.

1 mom found this helpful

well your situation makes me feel better about mine! i do understand the frustrations you are having. it's so upsetting when neighbors don't teach their kids to respect others' belongings, property, rules, etc. there are two similar families in my neighborhood too. the lack of parental supervision is very frustrating. we have attempted to speak with the adults and teenagers of these families (we're not sure who the mothers of the children are) and they completely ignore us. i just don't allow the children to play in my house at all. we have no fence so i have no control over who comes to play in our front yard, but i don't mind telling other kids the rules of my yard (stay out of the gardens, pick up your trash, take turns, don't climb the small branches of the tree, etc.) i leave very little of our belongings outside because i know they will play in our yard when we aren't there (and sometimes take things). it's a little frustrating keeping our bikes in the house, but i think it's worth it. if i don't want to feed all the kids who come, i have my kids go in the house for snacks and drinks. if the neighborhood kids ask me for food, drinks, bathroom, whatever, i just tell them they need to go home and ask their parents for it. if a neighborhood kid is bad about sharing our toys even after a few of my reminders, the toy gets put away. my kids don't seem to mind because they recognize that these kids aren't keeping the rules and they want to protect their belongings as well as i do. it's frustrating to be the monitor of so many kids sometimes, but my kids are so happy to play with others that i feel it's worth it. stick with your rules and don't be afraid to teach them to the neighborhood kids. they need to know that there are boundaries at your house. just because they are technically guests doesn't mean they are above the rules. as far as the doorbell ringing, window knocking, etc., i don't know what to do either. i just close the curtains, tell them nicely that we can't play right now and they need to go home, and try to distract my kids with something else. when my youngest was a baby, some of the kids liked to ring the doorbell and run, which was very disruptive to nursing and nap times. i opened the door one day and angrily yelled out to whoever might hear me, "the baby is sleeping! please don't ring our doorbell!" i couldn't believe that worked.
i'm also trying to get over my disappointment of just turning 30.
good luck with everything!

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C. , I can sympathize with you . It happens at our house too . Kids like to come here but when my children go to their house's they can't go in . Not fair at all . I tell my kids no more friends in the house they can play outside . Or yard can get overrun also , I have to put a top to it . Myabe one friend for each of my two children but that is it . Again if my children can't go in their house then why should I have open house . Also the snack thinkg can get out of hand . I don't want to teach my children to be stingey . But honestly when their friends are here they constantly want snacks and will eat them all before they leave . Againg when my children go to their house snacks aren't allowed to be given out . I too would like an answer to this .

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I think all of these responses are pretty good tactics. We had luck with giving the rules. When questioned, I answered, because that's the rule at our house. I did NOT let the neighbor kids into my house. I just didn't want to deal with that, my house is barely big enough to endure he storm of my own kids!
An extreme option is to have a police officer stop by and talk to the kids (in a friendly and non-threatening manner). Even if there are only a few, word gets around. At that age, they are quite impressionable and will probably listen.

BTW--What's so bad about 30? I'm 38 and it's great! My granny-in-law had great advice on aging: "It's better to keep having birthdays than to face the alternative!"

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I have older kids but I also have the same problem. I bring my kids in when there is trouble. Most of the kids in my neighborhood lack parental supervision to say the least. Last week the three year old from next door, was playing in the back of a small pickup and fell out. Almost all the kids were there. Mine were with their dad, thank goodness. But no adult was watching the six of them. She didn't get hurt beyond a few bruises. She was lucky. I'm very strict with company. I can't handle noise. My kids are really very good but there are fights because there is no supervision. I've been the only one to come to someone's aide if they cry.
I'd start now, getting all the other kids to learn their boundries. My youngest son's best friend knows when to come and when not too. I had to make a rule. I don't let them come in the house. They can all play outside.

1 mom found this helpful

I know how you feel! My kids are a little older but the neighbors are the same. I don't think telling them they can't come in is a bad thing, try doing something else, like letting them play in the yard, Then their not in your house. As for the puppy. Its your puppy, if you don't want them to play with it then don't let them. I know this sounds bad but, there will always people who don't like you for one reason or another, so why let the ones who don't like you bother you. Set times that they can come play, and ask them to not come over any other time then those times. It might work but, I know its easier said them done. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

I don't have any neighbors where I live, but I do know what you are talking about. I love the ideas of placing something out that signals to the children it is ok to knock on the door. I would sit and talk with them and let them know the new rules, and then give a punishment that they will understand, lets say if they knock when the signal isn't up then your children won't be able to go out and play with them, you have to siganl a couple times a day maybe once in the morning and once in the afternoon. It will probably take a little time, but I think if there is consistancy it just might work.GOOD LUCK!

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I read an article last week about this, I think in Wondertime. I don't know which edition. One thing they recommended was having a door hanger for the neighbor kids. "So and so are not available to play right now" "So and so are doing chores and will be available after ____ time" They had a few other suggestions. You might talk to the parents and say their children may not knock or ring the door bell if the sign is out. It does sound like you need to talk to the parents together since their kids are cohorts. I'm so sorry. I hope you figure out a good solution and have a great summer!

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Maybe you could put a sign on your door when it was OK for the kids to come over and play with your kids. The older ones should be able to get the idea. As for the younger children, if their parents are worried about where they are, what they're doing, etc., perhaps you should call the police (anonymously), and report them. Two and four-year-olds should NOT be running around without supervision.

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While I totally understand your frustration let me first say be grateful! (keep reading I have advice too)We've lived in neighborhoods with lots of kids running around seemingly unsupervised and we've lived in neighborhoods where we needed to call and schedule a play date just to play with the kids three doors down! I much prefer the "unsupervised" neighborhood - it's more like what I think childhood should be like.

With that being said though - there are great ways to set boundaries that are pretty simple. In one neighborhood we had signals that said it was ok to ring the doorbell and come over. It could be the blinds are open not closed or your front door is open and the storm door is your front door for the day. Find something to use - even your front porch light. Just tell the kids AND THEIR PARENTS that when the signal is "on" your house is open and when it's "off" please do not come over (tell them it's nap time or "quiet time" etc.)

I've also had to tell kids, "sorry but if you want something to eat go ask mom" etc. Then they can bug mom more than you!

Good luck - but appreciate that in the end this is really a good thing! Enjoy!

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Hi,
We have a little red piece of cardstock, it is laminated and a rubberband stapled to it. It reads "family time-no friends" and has a smilie face on it. When we don't want friends to knock on the door, we hang it outside. The neighborhood knows the rule (I explained it to them all) and now they don't knock if it is hanging out! Hope it helps.

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Hi C.,
I have a very similiar issue except I am almost 40 (hate it too) and my kids a little older than yours. It started a few summers back and I just finally resorted to having almost no contact with the neighbors. I thought that I was punishing my kids by not letting them play all the time with the neighbors. It too was an uncontrable situation and I had to make the decision that my sainity was more important than what the neighbors might think was rude. The parents didn't want to listen to me so I just told the kids every time they asked sorry but my kids can't play with you. It did cause bad feelings between us as neighbors but as time has passed we are cordial to each other. I was never rude I never gave an explaination just simply as nice as I could said "I am sorry but my kids can not play with you" There is nothing wrong with boundries it is hard at first to enforce them but eventually everyone realizes that the answer is going to be no and they stop asking. Now a few years later and the kids are older I am thankful I went with my insticts. My kids have other friends they hang with and are good kids and I don't worry about them breaking curfew rules, or breaking the law etc...these neighbors that didn't have boundries have alot of troubles with rules and staying out of trouble. I guess the advice I am trying to give you is that you know what is best for your kids and you are responsible for them and they will take the lead from you as what is expected. If you start now while they are young they will know that you care enough to give them boundries, Don't take me wrong they will hate it, but they will know that you are not a push over with the kind of friends they will choose later when you don't have as much control. Face it if the kids your talking about were not your neighbors they would not be the kind of kids you would have your children exposed to anyway. You want friends for your little ones that have parents with the same kind of boundries you have for your kids. Hang in there! It is worth your sanity!

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As far as the other kids' parents go, maybe you can ask them to come over for a play date at the park or a bbq or something. Just say something along the lines of how nice it would be to get to know the parents of your kids' friends. That can be an eye opener sometimes. Or if you don't really want to do that, maybe you can just introduce yourself and ask about any allergies that they may have. You'd hate to give the kids a snack and for someone to have an allergy. Other than that I don't know how they can let the kids go to other people's home and not at the very least meeting the parents that live there.

As far as the kids go. I've had to be pretty frim w other neighborhood kids before. The first few times a "new" kid is over I ask all the the kids (mine and their friends) to sit down and put on their listening ears and I tell them That I have house rules that I expect to be followed and then I list them (use your words and be polite, share, when you're all done w something it must be put back were you found it and if you don't remember then please ask and to treat my home the way you would want someone to treat yours, if you don't like some one throwing your favorite toy or jumping on your bed at your home then please don't do it at ours.) That's usually my "speach" Short and sweet and to the point. And it helps if you ask the kids to repeat it to you, point to one and ask if they can tell you one of the rules if they don't answer then ask if anyone else knows. The kids will usually pay attention to each other a little bit more and also it seems to help them remember it they have to repeat it. Then I tell them to go have fun.

I check in on them ever once in awhile. When I check in on them I like to ask if they'd like some juice to drink or a snack. Most of the time they'll say yes and then you can ask them to pick up the toys while you get the snack. The kids seem to do a better job at getting the room picked up if they know they'll have a snack waiting on them instead of me just telling them to pick up.

If I notice kids fighting over a toy I give them a warning w a chance to work it out (I'll say something like -I know we aren't fighting over that. I'm sure you can work together and share and it would make me really sad if you can't because then I'll have to take it away and I know you guys don't want me to take toy do you?) And if I have to I put the toy in sight but out of reach. If it's in sight but out of reach then sometimes they'll come out and ask to play w it or for me to get it down for them and I'll tell them no and I'll ask why. If it was a kid that was not fighting over the toy then I'll tell them that I put it away because people were not sharing it. If it was one of the kids that where fighting over it then they'll usually answer 'because me and so and so did not share it' (or something like that) and then I'll tell them that that's right and maybe next time they'll do a better job at working together and sharing. All of this can be a pain in the neck sometimes but it's super helpful because it gives you the chance to have them think about the rules.

I've also gotten many "well, that's not how we do this and that at my house" type coments. To this I say as nice but as firmly as I can "I understand that your mom and day may do things differently at your home and if I were I your home then I would follow their rules. But at our home we do not do (what ever it is) and I would like if you followed the house rules at our home just like I would follow yours at your home." Most of the time just that does the trick but they're all sassy and not listening then give them fair waring that if they can not follow the house rules then they will not be allowed to come over and play. If their sibbling is behaving and listening then tell them that their sister/brother can are still welcomed because they are behaving.

And as far as always calling or ringing the bell if my kids can not play at that time I tell I will have my kids call or come get them. If my son is cleaning his room (or something) then I have had to tell a couple of kids before that the more they come ringing the bell or calling the longer it will take him to finish cleaning his room. When they give me they "what are you talking about" look I tell them that every time they come to the door you kid stops working and the more you child stops then the longer it takes for him to get the job done. I've also had to pretty frim in saying, that just because we are home does not always mean my kids can play we have other things to get done sometimes. Sometimes its been helpful if my kids come to the door/phone and tell their friends that they can't play right now themselves and that when they're done they'll call em. Also, sometimes my 6 yr old wants to get all whinny and cry about nearly everything (this just started about 4 months ago) and when he gets like that I make him "rest" (he usually ends up taking a short nap and then is all fine agian) but instead of telling his friends 'oh, he's napping right now' I tell them that he wasn't feeling well and wanted to rest for a little while and he'll call you when he's feeling better.

There has been one kid that I've had to do the 3 strikes and youre out thing w. He and my son will just start fighting sometimes. The 3rd time that i have to brake it up w them this kid gets sent home and they can't play together the rest of the day. That seems to be helping.

So, that's about everything that I have found that works for me. Hopefully you'll find something that will work for you.

Sorry I made this so long...

Good luck!

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I am very interested in the responses to this question. We have new neighbors next door with 3 kids around my kids ages, and I have been having the same problem. We recently put up our swimming pool and trampoline and now the prob has gotten worse. They ask everyday to swim and I say only if your mom can come over and watch them as there would be to many for me to watch. She did come over a few days ago. I was trying to open the lines of communication with their mom as she doesn't seem the least bit interested in where her kids are. She did come over and I talked to her as nicely as I could about what her kids have been doing and she apologized and said she didn't know about it. But since then nothing has improved. Anyways I am very curious how others will respond to this.

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I can't wait to hear the responses! I have experienced this too; to the extent that the parents call or come over at 1030 at night wondering if we had seen their kids that day and if we know where they are currently. Good luck to you!

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I don't know if this would help but maybe you could get some kind of sign that you could hang on the door. A red stop sign and a green go sign. Then when it is okay for friends you could put up the green sign and tell the children that your children can only play when the green sign is up. It might stop the door bell ringing in the middle of naptime if you explain that they are not to ring the door bell when the stop sign is up, because you need your kids to take a nap.

Good luck I've had many afternoons when I don't feel like having neighbors over and yet you don't want to punish them or your own children, but I think sometimes for our own sanity we need to set boundaries for when we and our children are available.